possible rape? feeling lost.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

To make a long story short I went to the pool with my bf. He wanted a to *do things* and I wasnt exactly up for it. He eventually conviced me into the bathrooms. Nothing major happened at the begginging, but at one point he was begging me to give him a handjob. I repetedly said NO, but he continued to push me against the wall, hold me there and make my hand do it and what not until I gave in. And then after that I was pretty mad so I just wanted to leave but he wouldnt let me and he fingered me without me actually wanting it. (I said no to that, too)

 

I know that it was my fault to put myself in that kind of situation & he apologized a million times and hasnt dont anything like that when I was unwilling since, but I still feel really awkward, afraid and closed up when thinking about any of that kind of stuff or when I do it.

 

Is there something wrong? something I need to do?

 

PS -- It's irrelevant if it was real 'rape' or not, and I don't want to send anyone to court for this.

[jna35]

It is NOT your fault!! He had NO right to violate you!! I am very sorry that this happened to you!!! I would not be so quick to let it go. What if he does this to someone else? I would also suggest that you speak with a counselor to help you sort out your feelings. I'm glad he's sorry, but he has to understand the magnitude of what he did to you!

[avman]

Hello there,

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Any time you are forced or coerced into sexual activity against your will it is considered rape (sexual assault in legal terms).

 

I know that it was my fault to put myself in that kind of situation

 

No, that is wrong. You weren't in any "situation". You went to the pool with your boyfriend. That doesn't give him the right to pressure you for sex. Don't ever think that you were the cause of this. Ok?

 

If you don't want to prosecute him (which I would recommend, but it is up to you) then I would get some counseling to talk about what happened. It sounds like this has really affected you and you should talk through what happened.

 

And I'd recommend you break up with your boyfriend. A decent guy wouldn't have forced you to do anything you didn't want to do.

[dpressedone89]

their is deffinately something wrong with that.he had no right to do that, and it is not your fault at all, and i agree you might not want to be so quick in forgiving him, what if he does it again? or to someone else? im so sorry you had to go through that

[melrich]

I agree with avman. It is in no way your fault and it should never have happened. Going to the authorities probably seems a very scary thing for you to do at the moment but clearly this has traumatised you to some extent. I'd suggest that you seek out an adult that you trust and talk to them about it and get some guidance. If you know of any counselling services in your area that may also be a starting point.

 

Cut off contact with that guy.

[DN]

You should certainly break off with him - it was sexual assault and it is likely he will do it again the next time he feels frustrated. If he can't control himself once he may not be able to control himself again and it could be worse next time.

 

You may find it useful to call a sexual assault hotline or rape crisis center where they will give you advice on how to deal with this. One thing you will certainly have confirmed is that it was not your fault. You said 'No' and he continued. That makes it entirely his fault.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

We already broke up of course, and tonight was his last night in my city .. now he's in florida I believe.

 

Today he wanted to to see me again before he left and I said no and told him that I was scared even though I missed him and everything. And I didn't end up seeing him.

 

I'm kinda proud of myself for that cause I ussually give in.

 

I don't know of any adults that I could talk about this to, or any counseling things I could go to. My parents are really strict about my whereabouts and they'd get suspicious.

 

I don't know how I could do anything about this.

[melrich]

I am sure that there will be a sexual assault hotline in your area. You should be able to do a search on the net or use the phone book. These services will guarantee your anonymity and will help you decide what to do about this as well as assist you with getting some counselling if you feel you require it.

 

They are of course very experienced with situations like this and wil be very sensitive to your circumstances.

[DN]

here is a website that may help you.

 

link removed

[Nkaleidoscopic]

thank youuu

[jna35]

I'm proud of you for cutting it off with him! There are hotlines you can contact for free. Also, once you are back in school you may want to speak with your school counselor. They may be able to recommend a support group for you for other girls that have experienced sexual assault. I do hope you will reconsider bringing charges against him. That's one way you can take your "power" back so to speak. I would really hate to see him do this to someone else. I would also suggest that you talk with your mom. I'm sure she loves oyu VERY much and would want to help you through this. Just remember that it is not oyur fault and you're not alone! We're all here for you!!

[DN]

You're very welcome. My real thanks would be to know that you will get past this relatively unscathed and stronger. Don't let this idiot make you weak or fearful of men and know that it is not your fault.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

I know I can talk with my mom, but I dont want to. She's been going through alot lately and if she hears about this she'll be really sad. I can't bring myself to telling her.

 

I feel weird about contacting the hotlines, and talking to people I don't even know or see.

 

I don't mind counselors as much, but im afraid to. Last time I talked to a counselor about something half my friends & my parents found out. (And it was NOT something that was going to immediately harm me or whatever)

 

blehhhhh.

[jna35]

Sweetie, being a mom myself I can tell you that NOTHING is more important to your mom than YOU. Of course she will be sad because she loves you, but she can help you through this if you let her. As for the counselors, the one site I sent you is completely confidential, so no one will find out unless you tell them. I know it's scary and weird to talk with people you don't know, but you've trusted us enough to share, why not give them a try. They are there to help. Again, please feel free to contact me ANYTIME.I mean that sincerely. I wouldn't want my little girl to go through this alone.

[Tsunami]

No way is that your fault. That is a sick sick thing to do. He should not have put you through that. You did so well to break up with him!! I hope you find someone to talk it through with, something like that happened to my friend and she sees a counciller and it really helps her.

[RayKay]

As others said, this is most definitely sexual assault and not in anyway your fault. I am VERY glad you broke it off, but you DO need to talk to someone as this is something that can affect you now, or pop up later, if you do not address the feelings and scars it may have left you with.

 

One of my best friends in high school was sexually assaulted by a "friend" and his other friend took pictures of it - they broke in to her house to do it. There was no official rape per definition, but it left her terribly traumatized and pained. She did end up charging him, unfortunately he got off quite lightly, however her being able to talk to people - me, other friends and her mother as well as a therapist helped her SO much.

 

I on the other hand had something similar happen when I was 13 or 14 too, and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what really happened, I felt it was my fault for a long time and not telling anyone made me hold onto it and let it affect me a lot longer.

 

So I really do advise you confide in a close friend, parent (I know it is hard to tell your mom, but I think she must know, and needs to know, she will be upset & sad as you are her daughter, but will want to take care of you as she loves you...so please do tell her, she will help you through this, you are NOT at wrong here so do not be embarrassed or afraid to tell her) and a counsellor either at school or independently as referred by a sexual assault hotline or something.

 

Take care, and lots of hugs from me to you sweetie, this is a tough thing to go through.

[kenneth05]

>Is there something wrong? something I need to do?

yes, there is something wrong. your boyfriend is a loser.

yes, there is something you need to do. you need to break up with this idiot immediately.

[Tigris]

It wasn't your fault, you said No and meant it. Unfortunately, some boys/men think that when a girl says no it means yes or maybe.

 

Nobody has a right to violate anybody's body!

 

I wonder how many other girls he's done this too. They may have been younger than you! Other girls would probably 'stand up and be counted' if the authorities were told.

 

He sounds to me as though he preys on young girls!

 

Get help immediately.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Hope75]

>Is there something wrong? something I need to do?

yes, there is something wrong. your boyfriend is a loser.

yes, there is something you need to do. you need to break up with this idiot immediately.

 

kenneth, she broke up with him already.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

he's my age. and the first girl he's ever done things with kinda lured him into it. i know her, she's some horny girl that likes to do everyone kind of person. and then another gf he had was like 18 ..uhmm..

[armchairshrink]

Kaleido, my advice to you is to forget *him* (and anyone else he may have dated) and focus on *you*. Get yourself back on your own two feet. Get help, gather all the support you can. I also recommend talking to your mom, but if she is too sad, can you talk to your dad? Or an aunt? Some interested adult? You really need someone you love and trust to help you through this, and your mother might surprise you in spite of her troubles.

 

You have my sympathy. Something similar happened to me once, so I know where you're coming from. There were no women's centers, rape/crisis hotlines, and no internet when it happened to me (tells you how old I am I wish these resources had been available to me; I could have used them. Since the boy that did it to me was a good, churchgoing, honor-roll student (he was even a Boy Scout!) and was my bf at the time, very few of the people I told believed me at first. It helped that one who did believe me was his brother, and my bf "confessed" to him. Well, it was less a confession and more of a frustrated "Why won't she talk to me anymore? What did *I* do? Why is she being so sensitive?"

 

Whatever it was, it worked. His brother set him straight, and word got out that I wasn't lying or making it up. That, in turn, put me in contact with a trusted adult who helped me get over most of the residual stuff I was feeling. This trusted adult also grabbed the ears of all the teenaged boys at the church my bf and I went to and (without mentioning names) made sure they all understood the limits (turns out my bf was not a serial rapist in the making, he was just a kid still new to relationships and didn't know about limits and boundaries). While this seemed like a violation of my confidence, it actually helped me because the guys I dated later understood the difference between "consensual" and "forced".

 

So I add my voice to the others who have advised you to talk to a counselor, hotline, or other professional. It's awkward at first, but it really does help (my "trusted adult" was a counselor at my church). And a good counselor or hotline will respect your privacy, and will handle things the way *you* want to. They won't tell, and they won't try to force you to go to the police if you don't want to. So go ahead and talk to someone. We're all here for you too, of course, but it's not the same. And try to talk to your mom; she really will want to help you.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Emotional]

Its amazing how many guys get

away with this, its called date rape and it is a crime.

However you went allong with the hand job thinggy,but

you didn't want to and you said no. thats called consenting.

id keep my distance

[Gracelove]

Leave him. How can he be trusted again? That is rape. When you say "no" and they do it any way.

Of course you'll feel closed when it comes to him, it's unwise to be vunerable around him.

[yeawutever]

Reporting him would be it, yes it was rape, he didn't stop when he told him "No". What kind of decent guy would do that, a sick perv would.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

I know this happened/was posted almost 3/4 years ago but I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. Realizing what it is and just facing it is alot better than pretending it didnt happen. I'm happy to say that I didn't let this event take any more happiness away from me.

 

Thank you everyone.