I'm ready, he's taking it easy

[BlkLagoon]

I'm embarking on another LDR- this will be the 1st time for the guy. He lives in another country. We had met online, then he came here for 2 weeks- it was great! There was one strange thing, though- we had a serious talk about how things are in an LDR and I said how hard it is... especially when people have sex- this leads to more emotions. So, he made sure it didn't happen! He explained it was in order to protect my feelings and his own. However, he returned home and had all those feelings anyway, as did I. We decided next time he's here (in two months) we're going to throw caution to the wind (meaning, go ahead with sex... we were physical but just not that).

In the meantime, my issue is- he's still not 100% sure of what we're doing- he simply says he takes it day by day. He explained he was depressed when he got home, but now is back to "normal" with life and finds the whole thing a bit weird, but seems to be fine (communicates with me often and listens to me). It just makes me feel a sort of desperation because I feel certain about "us". It scares/worries me that I have to wait for him to really -know-, while I am all gung-ho about it already. I don't want to push him away, and yet it's hard not to get a definite answer... what I'd want to hear is "yes, we will make this work!" Instead I get "Next time we'll give in! and then go from there." Am I just being impatient? Should I relax and try to match his attitude? It's hard enough not knowing the status of a relationship when it's not an LDR...

[lisica]

You can not really force him to say certain things if he is not feeling that way (yet). You have plans for the future, namely to see each other again in 2 months, so in that respect it is going well. It is not so strange that he wants to spend some more time with you in real life before he can say if he sees a future for the 2 of you. Look at it this way: at least he is not sweet talking you or deceiving you. If you do not push him, when he does start talking about making it work together, you will be sure that he means what he says!

 

So yes, you are impatient, but who can blame you The best you can do is relax and take it more day by day too.

[RayKay]

I can understand you are very excited about this relationship, and since it is an LDR, it is a urge to "rush things" in order to establish "a relationship". However, the important thing to remember is an LDR, like a real life relationship, has to progress at its own pace...just because you are long distance does not mean you can artificially speed things up to "secure" things for yourself. Remember, there are NEVER guarantees, and just because he said "we'll make it work" does not mean it will...it takes both of you to work things out, and many other things such as shared goals, values, and so on.

 

Just as in real life, you need to explore whether this relationship will go anywhere - find out your compatibilities, or lack thereof, your communication, your personalities. It is just like "dating" where it takes some time to determine whether this person is truly "relationship material" and whether your feelings are truly there to want to start things off. It's normal to not want to commit before you really know, and since LDR's are a lot of work, there may be more hesitancy there. It's great YOU feel certain, but he does not, and even your certainity is still based on initial impressions, correct?

 

If you feel uncomfortable with it, you may not want to have sex next time, just "because"...you may choose to wait for a commitment first.

[BlkLagoon]

Thanks to both of you for this sound advice- it has helped me calm down about it all! I explained a little bit to him how I was feeling and his reply was -I understand about all this hun I really do, it's such a difficult situation though it's hard to judge it - or compare it, or anything it! It's new ground for me so I'm not too sure what's expected, but I know what you mean, I miss you as well.-[/i]

I told him I'd take it more by day and keep positive, and that he was doing everything fine.... I think as long as I stay in this frame of mind, it should be alright. I know I can't steer it in any direction if it's not headed there! I have an urge to try and ensure he won't date anyone else, and will keep things up between us, but I guess I should continue to let him decide what he decides without any pushing/questioning/flipping out.