Because cheaters are sorry...

[eljose]

Another poster asked "Why do cheaters expect us to feel sorry for them?"

 

Well that's easy. We want the recognition because we are sorry. We know we screwed up. That things did not turn out the way we hoped. That I behaved at the limits of my ability, and I still came up short.

 

Here is my sob story. Married faithfully for 14 years. No fooling around no flirting, no nothing. My wife has some control issues, I have some avoidance issues. 14 years of her trying to mold me into a good church going milk toast person. 14 years of struggling with that, the last 10 of me retreating into a shell of depression and self doubt. Trying to talk about it but hitting a wall. Not her fault though. I should have stood my ground, but I didn't.

 

What do you do, when you wake up and find that your love has broken and all you have left is a void that is voracious?

 

That is the sorry part. I have been sleep walking for the last five years, knowing it has been over for the last year. And to make matters worse, I have met someone who loves me as I am, and the sun is shining in my soul again. I had forgotten what that was like.

 

Sure I should have pulled the plug a year ago. I didn't. Now I have to do it after the fact. After cheating. That I havent had intercourse is irrelevent. I have lied. I have kissed this woman. I have told her she has my heart. I am a cheater. The one thing I never thought would describe me.

 

So there it is. Sure thing I did wrong. I screwed up one day at a time, and I have to break the news to my wife this week, and I know it will be harder for her than for me. I can't go back.

 

You bet, I AM sorry.

[misery12]

You've cheated yes. But you have the will to let yourself, and your wife that you are sorry. Believe me, she will be happy in the long run that you told her now, instead of another year.

 

Get on with your life, and she'll get on with hers.

[DN]

Who are you most sorry for?

[eljose]

I am most sorry for her of course. She is a wonderful woman, that is why I married her. She has done her best.

 

Although I feel sorry for her, the sorry part concering me is that I AM sorry. I have failed her and our marriage.

[Hope75]

When will you tell her? ( your wife that it)

 

Are you planning to leave? Do you have children?

[DN]

A little contradictory - you said she has control issues and was trying to mould you. And would not talk about it.

 

I think you are justified in feeling guilty about cheating, but you should not confuse that with feeling solely guilty for the marriage breakdown prior to the cheating. It won't help any of you.

[Yonik]

My advice is do not tell her! Unless of course, you want to end the marriage. I'm currently involved in an affair for the past 5 months. It has made my life at home much easier to deal with and has provided me with the affection I was craving for so many years.

 

Contrary to what many might think, affairs can and do last years if you're not too careless. Your wife still gets your support, you're still home for the kids, and you and the mistress share love for each other.

 

I know it goes against society's rules, but then again, many of these rules are stupid.

[Hope75]

Yonik,

 

Do you think wanting to be devoted to one another in the vows of marriage is stupid?

 

Do you think that a wife expecting that once she is married that her husband will love and honor her, forsaking all others is stupid?

 

...hmmmm.... wonder where she would get THAT stupid idea?

 

A healthy marriage is about love, honor, mutual respect and caring. If one partner needs to go outside the marriage to have his needs in the bedroom met than obviously something is wrong with that marriage.

 

Don't you think your wife would be devestated if she found out you were stepping out on her? What kind of model are you setting for your children, showing how little respect you have for their mother and your marriage?

[DN]

Am I missing something here. I thought that what you were about to tell her is that you are divorcing her?

[GettingOverIt]

Yeah, I am little lost here, too... So, are you divorcing your wife, or are you continuing the affair?

 

Of course, none if this truly addresses the topic of the post... I was a cheater, and let me tell you the LAST thing I want is for people to feel sorry for ME, for crying out loud! That is absurd for someone who is stepping outside the marriage to expect to be pitied!! Aw, poor baby, you didnt get what you needed at home, so you stepped out... Aww... it's okay... Bull. It's not okay. What you do after the fact is what makes the difference.

If you leave, then you leave. If you go back, then you go back. I have been there, and I can promise you that I have never once wanted to be PITIED because of how things were in my life as any type of 'justification' for what I had done... Should I have had a relationship outside the marriage? No. Should I have gone back after things fell apart? Who knows. The point is, the cheater gets no pity-party. Yes, there are feelings of remorse, regret, sorrow, hurt, shame, you name it... But to go out and SEEK the 'poor me' for something YOU did?? Uhhh,no...

[melrich]

To the original poster,

 

Things happen in life despite our best intentions. Yes you may have been the one to overtly step outside your marriage vows but as DN said there is nothing to be gained by rationalising teh breakdown of your marraige as being all your fault.

 

You are in for some difficult times. Hold on to the fact that resolution will take time and effort but ulitimately, if you make a pact with yourself to respect all parties and do the right thing from here on in, in the long run things will work out and become manageable.

[eljose]

Thank you Melrich, I think that sums up my feelings pretty well.

 

I personally do not want to pitied for what I have done. But what happened did so with out malice or evil intent. I do seek understanding.

 

As I mentioned before, I knew a year ago things were toast and failed to act on that. I imagine once you are in that space, you can only coast so long before either you reach out to someone, or someone reaches out to you. Either way though, the responsibility lies with me.

 

As far as what happens next. I have suspended the affair, and will tell my wife that I will seek a divorce. That needs to stand on its own. If the other woman is still around when the dust settles, that would be nice, but that is another issue.

[Hope75]

As far as what happens next. I have suspended the affair, and will tell my wife that I will seek a divorce. That needs to stand on its own. If the other woman is still around when the dust settles, that would be nice, but that is another issue.

 

I commend you for at least recognizing your mistake, and taking the proper measures to correct the situation as much as it can be corrected, and not stringing either woman along any farther.

 

Good luck telling your wife, and let us know how it goes. Do you think she has any idea?

[eljose]

Thank you Hope75.

 

She does not supect this other woman, but her willingingness to talk about our marraige has increased in direct proportion to my desire to get out of it. That is part of what is so hard. If she had been this open to dealing with a few years back, I think we could have made it work.

 

I will keep you posted. Thanks again.

[westwind61]

I'd just tell you jose it's never too late to save your marriage. There are degrees of difficulty caused by the passage of time and trials, but it is never too late.

[Hope75]

Do you have any desire to work it out with your wife, or are you sure this is what you want?

[eljose]

I have a lot of bitterness and resentment right now.

 

To be honest, no I do not have any desire to work it out. Since we got married she has had a marked drive to change the way I live, who I hang out with and how I conduct myself. It makes me wonder, if she is this dissatisfied with who I am, why did she want to marry me? I know I wouldn't have if someone was that alien from me. I tend to take people as I find them.

 

My epiphany came about five months ago when she was out of town. I was at a party with some friends I had not seen in years and the general consensus was "wow, it is great to have you back." And they did not mean physically, they meant emotionally. Made me realized I had mutated in to someone else trying to please her. I used to be comfortable with myself and that came back when I made the decision to leave. Funny thing is without me saying I had reached the boiling point, she picked up on that and is now all willing to work on it.

 

She is not even sure why she went to work on me like she did, but she says she can see that she did. I know she did not mean for it to come to this, and I know I am partly responsible as well. The last five years I have been in a state of total "whatever you say" and that was not right. It was important and I should have stood my ground. Lot of stife when I did though so who knows. Not me anymore.

[DN]

It is a great shame that she is willing now when you have emotionally moved on. I guess she must have fallen for who you were when you met. Although she could be one of those women who always wants to 'improve' men - they way they behave, dress, choice of friends.

 

What do you think her reaction will be when you tell her?

I hope you are prepared for various eventualities.

[Hope75]

I agree with DN, if you can keep it civil, do. I can't remember if you said you have children, but the less anger you have towards each other, the better you will be able to work on a mutual agreement for the children.

 

I know women who think changing their men is a great challange and it never works out for them. I don't understand why you wouldn't accept your partner for who they are when you marry them. Obviously if there is something major that you can't live with you don't marry them, or if things change after the marriage and it can't be worked out, there's divorce to be considered, but I think a whole lot more marriages would last if people went in really knowing each other and accepting each other as is.

[eljose]

DA, thanks for the input. To be honest, I have no idea how this may turn out, but I imagine she will take it really hard. She has always reacted very hard to making any kind of mistake which has been part of the difficulty in speaking about some of these issues.

 

And Hope, I am not angry at her. I still do not see her as being "in the wrong" or having done something bad. At least I am sure she did not mean it. She was just trying to help. You know I used to be one of those life of the party kind of people and lately I have been more like the walking dead. It did not help.

 

I will let her know Friday so at least she will not have to deal with it the next day at work.

 

And yes, we have children. Great kids both of them.

[DN]

Keep us posted - you are all of you in our thoughts

[1love2k5]

i'm sorry, but not to be mean, but i have no sympathy for a person that cheated. a person that cheats has no respect for their loved one. i feel like this: if you'e gonna cheat, don't waste the other person's time or play with their feelings if you're gonna be honest about who you're not messing around with. a cheater who cheats has no respest. have you ever heard of this quote?:

if you love someone, let it go. if it comes back for you, it's yours. if it doesn't, then it never was yours to begin with.

[1love2k5]

if i were you, i'd be a human being and stop being such a coward and tell your wife you messed up. if you wait any longer, chances are, you're gonna make her angry and she'll never trust you again for a long time because you weren't man anough to tell her face-to-face. would you rather be found out or rather you tell her as a man? think abnout it.

[1love2k5]

interesting topic name. because cheaters are sorry. no. i'm sorry. a cheater who cheats aren't sorry. if they were, they shouldn't do it in the first place unless they have a very good reason to do it. i hate cheaters. they have no morals and it makes me sick to my stomach that thay do that behind your back or right in front of your face.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I'm sorry to say, but why are you attacking a guy who posted 3 months ago? Sure, what he did was wrong, he isn't denying that but by this time any advice contructive or not will most likely not be received.

 

I do think that the fact that his decision to end his marriage was a good one. He wasn't interested in trying, so what would have been the point in keeping his wife in a relationship with someone who doesn't love her anymore? He himself said that she's a good woman, he's doing her a favor for leaving her so she can heal and move on with someone who will love her. Sure, I definitely don't believe that him cheating first to come to this conclusion was a good idea. I've been cheated on myself so I know what it's like to have that done to you and would never put someone through that kind of pain.

 

I'm just trying to look at this objectively, he cheated, he's sorry he did and he suspended his affair until his marriage is over. It may have came late, but at least he's owning up to his mistakes and trying to get his life back together. A lot of people would have just kept on cheating on thier spouses....