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Why do cheaters expect us to feel sorry for them?


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I don't get it. Why do so many cheaters expect everyone who answers their posts to feel sorry for them and not to sympathize with the victims of their cheating instead. Sure, I think it's cool to give someone advice on what to do when they are trying to move on after cheating on their bf or gf with someone else but I think it's totally ridiculous to complain when posters don't feel sorry for the cheater. Thoughts?

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Its human nature for a person to want others too feel sympathetic to their particular situation no matter what the situation is. I personally dont feel sympathy for anyone in the cheating situation. Is it sad, sure it is but it happens it makes no sense for any person to dwell in their sadness, its not making positive steps towards anything. What I cant understand is why people gang up on a cheater, yes they cheated they are human and humans make mistakes. Most of the time people dont make informed decisions about the people they date and simply pick the wrong people and then are actually surprised when they cheat.

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Although I have little sympathy with cheaters, having being cheated on once myself (she tried to hide it, I found out on my own), I do understand why they want people to sympathize. They are going through a rough time. Usually they know what they did was wrong, they want to make up for it and they're trying to come to grips with it and are reaching out for help to do that.


Although, like I said, I can't really sympathize with these people I do believe that if someone is going to answer a post that they keep that in mind. Some of the posts I see here are full of finger pointing and I'm sorry, I know that's your opinion that they should pay (it's mine too), but that really doesn't have a place here. They know they did wrong and they came here for our support.


just my $0.02.

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Well I think sometimes people act before they think....they make big mistakes and only realize it later when their world comes crashing down. They take their partner for granted and do dumb things. Yet that doesn't mean cheaters still don't legitimately hurt inside. They have to deal with the guilt of what they've done as well as the loss of their partner. Even if it's self-caused. I'm sure it still hurts.


I think it's totally ridiculous to complain when posters don't feel sorry for the cheater.


I don't have much pity for a person who cheats, and loses their partner. ( I actually commend their partners for leaving, since I myself would NEVER stand for cheating- but that's just me) I realize my own biases, so I just don't bother responding to posts from cheaters because I'm certainly not going to tell them what they want to hear, nor do I want to upset them further.




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I think it's totally ridiculous to complain when posters don't feel sorry for the cheater. Thoughts?


You could extend this out to any problem posted here. If one chooses to post a problem in a forum such as this and ask for others' opinions/advice, one shouldn't complain if the opinions/advice are not to one's liking.


Sometimes we need to hear the things we don't want to hear.

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Sometimes it's because they feel so guilty they want somebody to ease their burden a little. They want some hope that they can make a fresh start without that crushing responsibility.


Most importantly they want advice about how to make amends and to move on.


They need to know that they are not alone.

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I still think you need to call a horse a horse in this aspect. A cheater is simply that -- someone that felt they needed to find pleasure with someone else other than their spouse without telling them. I know that we all make mistakes and need to be forgiven, but like Belladonna said I would NEVER trust someone that had cheated before much less on me. If he/she has done it before there's no reason to believe they wouldn't do it again. Sure they might not do it again, but I'd rather not take that chance. If my girlfriend cheated on me, that would definitely be the end of the road. Sure it would hurt like hell, but infidelity is something that you can prevent.


Once my ex-gf scared the crap out of me when we were discussing what constitutes "cheating" in a car ride home. She said that kissing someone else, in her eyes, wasn't cheating because you never had sex. This scared me because IMO cheating is giving any part of yourself -- mental or physical -- to another person that is not your significant other. She said that if I was drunk and kissed someone on the dance floor that she'd forgive me just as she'd hope I would forgive her if that happened. Now, I've been drunk, and while your inhibitions are down you DO KNOW what you're doing is wrong. Needless to say we've been broken up for about 2 months now, but I should have seen the warning signs from that discussion long ago.... ahh hindsight.

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I think one thing to remember is that this is an advice forum about relationships. If someone (a cheater for instance) asks for advice on here and gets no constructive advice, but just a lot of insults and criticism saying they shouldn't have done whatever they have already done, they are not being helped. Other people in similar situations are unlikely to ask for help for fear of the same thing.


Expressing adverse opinions on someone's behaviour is all very well and I have done that myself. But at some point the exercise becomes futile - the damage is already done and advice is needed to fix it.

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Cheaters cheat for all kinds of reasons -- as simple as they want sexual pleasure, to all kinds of convoluted things they don't even know how to describe. Would you have sympathy for a cheater -- yes, as a kind of lost person who in trying to find their path did the wrong thing. Of course, there are very shallow people who don't think anything of their cheating -- no symptahy for them. But it's better to look at things case by case instead of judging someone by one action or given them the label "cheater," unless of course the person continually shows disregard for the sanctity of a relationship.

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I recently replied to a cheater post and I don't know if my advise was for or against it, but was truthful. It's obvious if you cheat, it's either your doing it because your partner probably is also, and your both not happy, or don't care, in the relationship/bad relationship. I think in a marriage, cheating is a downright sin, cause the other person gave you their word of honor for life. But I believe a cheater will ultimatley have failed marriiges and bad relationships period, in their lives, if they believe it's an okay thing to do.

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No it's a word and a description. I suppose I could look up cheater and give the dictionary definition of it and rephrase the question using that definition, but it would still mean the same thing. I mean if we can't use words to describe something, then what good is language?


That's like Bob asking Fred if, based on what he knows about this other guy, Tim, does he think Tim is a smart guy, and Fred telling Bob that that's just a label.


Well said. The word is accurate - it is whether it is correctly applied that is important. In the case of the original poster, it is exactly accurate.

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  • 6 months later...

my husband cheated to me five months ago, now his sorry, really sorry, after discovering all the things that he was doing with this woman, it is hard for me to decide what to do with him. She did everything to him, kissing him all the time, having sex twice the same afternoon, sending romantics songs to his emails. gave him a nickname and who knows what else. he said to me she did not means anything to him, he stoped seeing her after i found out. He was having sex with both of us at the same time. We were having probling since las year, i let him sleep by himselg for weeks and he did not say anything about it. If i did not look for him, hi did not move any finger, now that I know his infedelity with all the details, he is sorry, very sorry, I don't know what to do please if any of you have been with two women at the same time let mi know what it feels, how a men have sex with two women in different days, it made it them feell more machos?

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  • 8 years later...
Different situations must be treated differently.


I would not be so harsh on a cheater who felt remorse and was upset.


But in the same breath, I wouldn't have sympathy for a cheater who didn't think they done wrong.


Cheating is not a mistake it is a choice! It is a choice that can lead to the destruction of another's life. You never know how you are going to accept news that someone you loved has been lying to you and sleeping with another man. The cheater puts your health at risk,your sanity at risk as many betrayed spouses suffer PTSD and other anxiety related illnesses after they learn the truth.

You have to understand all the lies and gas lighting that goes on before you find out the truth makes you question your own instinct and that alone can drive some close to insanity. Then after the truth comes out you the betrayed now see every day of your life together as a lie. You now see your hopes and your dreams all crashing down around you. There is no hope on the life that you thought you had just the day before. The cheater takes away you security, your trust. The cheater steals away any good that was ever in your relationship. And the worst thing they do is make you reach out to them to help put your life back together. They have no punishment if you can forgive and they expect you to forgive and forget, and almost all of them including the remorseful cheaters will call it a mistake a year later when you mention anything about the affair. It can take years for some to get over the intense pain from being cheated on. It is even harder for male victims because cheating affects their manhood and makes them doubt everything about their life and how their spouse sees them. I know everyone is affected by low self esteem after being cheated on but it is much harder for men to find forgiveness as they are still trying to find their pride that was stolen from them. The only real recourse a man has is to divorce and walk away, even if they love their wife. My advise after dealing with being cheated on a year and 3 moths later is to simply walk away. You cannot get the thoughts from your Your mind, and when you forgive her you will also remember that she had her fun with no real consequence. It's far easier to lie and cheat when you have done it before, and you learn better how To not get caught.

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It is even harder for male victims because cheating affects their manhood and makes them doubt everything about their life and how their spouse sees them. I know everyone is affected by low self esteem after being cheated on but it is much harder for men to find forgiveness as they are still trying to find their pride that was stolen from them.


You describe really well how it feels to be cheated on and how it effects one's life, but it is no harder for a man than it is for a woman.

A woman also feels a loss to her femininity and the other things you mention. It is not a gender thing. People in general experience a loss in their value and their pride because of cheating and deceit.


That being said,

I have no sympathy for cheaters in any case, it is either lack of self control or an act of cowardice, selfishness or lack of morals.

But, this is a support forum, an anonymous one, a cheater reaching out is still a person reaching out, deserving to be heard when doing so.

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