Protex Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 2:30. That's the time that was written in the e-mail; or at least he thought it was. He flipped open his laptop and logged on to his web-server. Yes, 2:30. 2:30pm. 2:30pm at the Sipping Tree coffee house. He took another glance at the modern-shaped clock hanging on the brown wallpaper of the cafe. 2:51. Twenty-one minutes wasn't so bad. It's really a small amount of time if you compare it to the hours he's waited at this same coffee shop before, only to leave alone. At least with being stood-up that much, you develop a certain amount of experience. He had the technique of awaiting the internet-mystery girl down pact. You walk in and first, you order a medium coffee. Not a small, that might come off as impatience; and not a large because well, you don't want to seem like you have no other plans and this one internet mystery-girl is your sole purpose for life, and thus you need to order the large coffee because you plan to spend no less than an eternity trying to fall in love with this random person. Exaggeration? You'd like to think so. Secondly, the newspaper. It has come to be believed that your most commonly read news section reflects your personality. You do not leave the newspaper open to the Comics because he does not want the girl thinking that you doesn't take things seriously. You do not open to the Finance section because you don't want her eyeing your chequebook upon arrival. You definitely do not open to the Sports section because then you are immediately a typical guy and it ends right there. If you have the nerve to open to the obituaries than you deserve the weird look and shiver you will receive right before she walks out of the coffee shop. The section you do want to be open to, is Life. You can't go wrong with Life. It's not too forward, it doesn't suggest anything and it doesn't really sterotype you, it's just there; neutral. 2:57. He decided that he wasn't going to pull another hour long wait for the inevitable hurt he would feel when he walks out of the coffee shop alone. He placed his laptop into its case, tossed the Life section back into the newspaper and drank the last sip of coffee from his cup. As he stood up he heard the clangning of the tiny brass pipes that hung over the door. The ensemble of a shiny orchestra that played an infamous clanging everytime the door was opened. He was use to this sound, it was the sound that he heard over and over and over again. The sound that caused him to look up at the door and expect the entrance of a woman. A woman who's intent was to meet and fall in love with him. This was the sound that caused him to sigh a sigh of self-pity when he looked up, waited, and remained seated; alone. He took a quick glance, probably out of habit and noticed a tall blonde woman step into the cafe. She was wearing a long red coat, and her hair bounced around with every step she took. She's carrying a red handbag and a newspaper. Her face was gentle, and welcoming. She wore a bright green scarf, an emerald green. The green however looked dull if you compared it to her eyes. They were also green, but a green so rich in character and so deep that they resembled thin leaves lying on top a translucent pond lit by the light of a full moon. Beautiful she was, more beautiful than any other woman he's ever shared a room with, e-mailed, or tried to approach. The sight of her only added to his feeling of worthlessness. It was life's way of mocking him. Here, he had been stood up, again. He had been heartbroken again, only to have to bear witness to the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen. Slowly, with his head down he began his walk to the door, his walk of shame. Not looking, he stumbles over the leg of a chair and his shoulder makes contact with the mysterious blonde, nudging her and causing her to drop her newspaper. He quickly apologizes and bends down to pick it up, the sections are all out of order. He apologizes again, and stands up to hand her his collaberation of the daily news. The first section he hands her reads 'Life'. The woman giggles and tells him to calm down, she seems somewhat entertained by this mans clumsiness. She gives him a thank you and then turns to the cashier and asks if a man was been waiting for someone. He, being halfway towards the door stops. His mind races. The very girl he thought would be added to the long list of girls-that-stood-me-up-list did not stand him up! She was there, two steps behind him. He slowly turned around. He was shivering and his nervousness shone through him like sun through clouds. "Erm... are you Miss. Payton? Uhmm, if you are I might be the, erm... I'm the guy from the emails? Have you gotten them? Well of course you have, silly me. You wouldn't be here if you haven't. Well, that's if you're Miss Payton. The Miss Payton from the emails. Which, if you didn't read the emails you wouldn't know about the emails and this wouldn't really make that much sense and might be kind of creepy --" "You must be Micheal.", the lady replied in a sweet, giggle-filled voice. Micheal's mind rushed again, it was her. This is her! This is the girl. The girl that he has been talking to for months, the girl that now he finally gets to see. "Yes, yes that's me.", he says with a nervous laugh. "I take it you are Miss. Payton then?". "Miss. Payton, what am I? Your grade 3 teacher or something? Please, call me Irene.". His heart started to beat quickly and his nerves started to tingle. He started to think, 'Irene Payton, what a beautiful name, fitting for someone so goregeous, someone so elegant, someone so -' "Shall we sit down or do you always like to pretend you're on a crowded subway?", she joked. He stopped his thought, realizing that he was holding his newspaper and his cup in the same hand, and his laptop in the other. He was so nervous that he was standing as if her were some military soldier waiting for his next command. "Yes, let's sit.", he said with a laugh of his own. Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 hours he's waited at this Correction - he had waited. Watch your tenses. Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 That's the time that was written in the e-mail; or at least he thought it was. He flipped open his laptop and logged on to his web-server. Yes, 2:30. 2:30pm. 2:30pm at the Sipping Tree coffee house. He took another glance at the modern-shaped clock hanging on the brown wallpaper of the cafe. 2:51. Twenty-one minutes wasn't so bad. It's really a small amount of time if you compare it to the hours he's waited at this same coffee shop before, only to leave alone. At least with being stood-up that much, you develop a certain amount of experience. He had the technique of awaiting the internet-mystery girl down pact. You walk in and first, you order a medium coffee. Not a small, that might come off as impatience; and not a large because well, you don't want to seem like you have no other plans and this one internet mystery-girl is your sole purpose for life, and thus you need to order the large coffee because you plan to spend no less than an eternity trying to fall in love with this random person. Exaggeration? You'd like to think so. Secondly, the newspaper. It has come to be believed that your most commonly read news section reflects your personality. You do not leave the newspaper open to the Comics because he does not want the girl thinking that you doesn't take things seriously. You do not open to the Finance section because you don't want her eyeing your chequebook upon arrival. You definitely do not open to the Sports section because then you are immediately a typical guy and it ends right there. If you have the nerve to open to the obituaries than you deserve the weird look and shiver you will receive right before she walks out of the coffee shop. The section you do want to be open to, is Life. You can't go wrong with Life. It's not too forward, it doesn't suggest anything and it doesn't really stereotype you, it's just there; neutral. 2:57. He decided that he wasn't going to pull another hour long wait for the inevitable hurt he would feel when he walks out of the coffee shop alone. He placed his laptop into its case, tossed the Life section back into the newspaper and drank the last sip of coffee from his cup. As he stood up he heard the clanging of the tiny brass pipes that hung over the door. The ensemble of a shiny orchestra that played an infamous clanging every time the door was opened. He was use to this sound, it was the sound that he heard over and over and over again. The sound that caused him to look up at the door and expect the entrance of a woman. A woman who's intent was to meet and fall in love with him. This was the sound that caused him to sigh a sigh of self-pity when he looked up, waited, and remained seated; alone. He took a quick glance, probably out of habit and noticed a tall blonde woman step into the cafe. She was wearing a long red coat, and her hair bounced around with every step she took. She's carrying a red handbag and a newspaper. Her face was gentle, and welcoming. She wore a bright green scarf, an emerald green. The green however looked dull if you compared it to her eyes. They were also green, but a green so rich in character and so deep that they resembled thin leaves lying on top a translucent pond lit by the light of a full moon. Beautiful she was, more beautiful than any other woman he's ever shared a room with, e-mailed, or tried to approach. The sight of her only added to his feeling of worthlessness. It was life's way of mocking him. Here, he had been stood up, again. He had been heartbroken again, only to have to bear witness to the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen. Slowly, with his head down he began his walk to the door, his walk of shame. Not looking, he stumbles over the leg of a chair and his shoulder makes contact with the mysterious blonde, nudging her and causing her to drop her newspaper. He quickly apologizes and bends down to pick it up, the sections are all out of order. He apologizes again, and stands up to hand her his collaboration of the daily news. The first section he hands her reads 'Life'. The woman giggles and tells him to calm down, she seems somewhat entertained by this mans clumsiness. She gives him a thank you and then turns to the cashier and asks if a man was been waiting for someone. He, being halfway towards the door stops. His mind races. The very girl he thought would be added to the long list of girls-that-stood-me-up-list did not stand him up! She was there, two steps behind him. He slowly turned around. He was shivering and his nervousness shone through him like sun through clouds. "Erm... are you Miss. Payton? Uhmm, if you are I might be the, erm... I'm the guy from the emails? Have you gotten them? Well of course you have, silly me. You wouldn't be here if you haven't. Well, that's if you're Miss Payton. The Miss Payton from the emails. Which, if you didn't read the emails you wouldn't know about the emails and this wouldn't really make that much sense and might be kind of creepy --" "You must be Micheal.", the lady replied in a sweet, giggle-filled voice. Micheal's mind rushed again, it was her. This is her! This is the girl. The girl that he has been talking to for months, the girl that now he finally gets to see. "Yes, yes that's me.", he says with a nervous laugh. "I take it you are Miss. Payton then?". "Miss. Payton, what am I? Your grade 3 teacher or something? Please, call me Irene.". His heart started to beat quickly and his nerves started to tingle. He started to think, 'Irene Payton, what a beautiful name, fitting for someone so gorgeous, someone so elegant, someone so -' "Shall we sit down or do you always like to pretend you're on a crowded subway?", she joked. He stopped his thought, realizing that he was holding his newspaper and his cup in the same hand, and his laptop in the other. He was so nervous that he was standing as if her were some military soldier waiting for his next command. "Yes, let's sit.", he said with a laugh of his own. Spelling mistakes fixed, And Micheal should be spelt Michael. But I'll leave that one to you. Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 I especially like the part about the news paper and how you can tell what kind of guy he is from what he reads. There was something there that kept me reading on. Good work and Good Luck with it. You have potential, especially for your age. Link to comment
Strictly4MyGrind Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 so like when you realise your novel let me know ok? Gudluck. Link to comment
DN Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 ... internet-mystery girl down pact if we're correcting as well as criticising that should be 'down pat' not pact. link removed Good opening - keep going. Link to comment
melrich Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 You write quite well. But my honest feed back is that whilst this chapter reads OK in isolation, you have to think about the rest of the story and what you are going to do with the characters. I just don't know where you are going to go with "Michael". You have set him up as a very insecure, desperate type unlikely to attract any sympathy from the reader. I don't know how you would bring him back from here. The most important part of any fictional story is the characters, if you get them right, if you make the reader feel for them then the plot is almost irrelevant (witness soap operas). My worry is that you have alienated this guy already which is a problem unless he is a minor character (and if so why introduce him in the first chapter). My second comment is around this passage, Secondly, the newspaper. It has come to be believed that your most commonly read news section reflects your personality. You do not leave the newspaper open to the Comics because he does not want the girl thinking that you doesn't take things seriously. You do not open to the Finance section because you don't want her eyeing your chequebook upon arrival. You definitely do not open to the Sports section because then you are immediately a typical guy and it ends right there. If you have the nerve to open to the obituaries than you deserve the weird look and shiver you will receive right before she walks out of the coffee shop. The section you do want to be open to, is Life. You can't go wrong with Life. It's not too forward, it doesn't suggest anything and it doesn't really sterotype you, it's just there; neutral. This is way to forced and way too long. It sounds like something you read on the internet, a guide to making a good impression or something. I would either get rid of it completely (it adds nothing except to make "Michael" seem even more desperate) or shorten it down to one sentence. Now as darkblue said, watch your tenses and also the third person you are speaking in, Here for example you switch persons. A woman who's intent was to meet and fall in love with him. Lines like the quote below are really weak. Don't try use a sentence attempting to describe the beauty of a woman with the word "email". "Email" completely commercialises and depersonalises this sentence. The "tried to approach" again paints a picture of desperation around this guy. Again, I don't know what you want to do with this character but desperation (in the sense of romance) is probably the worst trait you can give a character. Beautiful she was, more beautiful than any other woman he's ever shared a room with, e-mailed, or tried to approach. "Erm... are you Miss. Payton? Uhmm, if you are I might be the, erm... I'm the guy from the emails? Have you gotten them? Well of course you have, silly me. You wouldn't be here if you haven't. Well, that's if you're Miss Payton. The Miss Payton from the emails. Which, if you didn't read the emails you wouldn't know about the emails and this wouldn't really make that much sense and might be kind of creepy --" Again I do not know what you are looking to do with this character but this dialogue is really typecasting him. "Silly me"...who says that? People over 50 say that...how old is this guy supposed to be? Think about that, what's his age? What idioms would he use if he was that age. The name "Irene Payton"...again sounds like a 70 year old spinster. Irene as a name was popular in the 1930s. Given this is not a period setting (he is using the internet) it evokes a 70 year old woman. If she is meant to be in her 20s look on the internet for names that were popular for girls in the 1980s. there are all sorts of lists that will give you this. The girl that he has been talking to for months, the girl that now he finally gets to see. Continuity is essential. In one paragraph you have him asking if she had gotten the emails, a couple of paragraphs later you have him thinking about how they have been talking (presumably via email) for months. If I could stress 3 things, Make your characters real and interesting. Check, re-check and check again for continuity (biggest, biggest killer) Don't back your characters into corners that go no-where. Forget plot for now and simply concentrate on developing characters. All great writers will tell you that well developed characters will write the story for you. Want to see a great example? Read the Ian Fleming's James Bond series. You write very well. I hope I do not seem over critical, it is easy to sit back and edit. Keep at it. Link to comment
From_Now_On Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 I really liked it. Great job, really. Minus the errors here and there of course, but I assume it was merely a rough draft anyway. I liked it a lot. I do hope you continue writing. -FNO Link to comment
Protex Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 Thanks a lot everybody. And special thanks to melrich for taking the time to post such an indepth post. I will take your advice, thank you. Link to comment
melrich Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 No problem Protex. Writing is great fun and you do it well. Good luck with it. Cheers Link to comment
Recommended Posts