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You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!


SuperDave71
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This post is awesome....I've been reading through it for an hour now and it's like a good book I can't put down. I needed to hear so many of the things said here. Like so many others I wish I would have found it months ago, but you can only go forward.

 

I have made so many of these mistakes - the guy I was seeing and really really liked (I am not sure if we were ever actually boyfriend-girlfriend, I just assumed so) started slipping away and I got so scared. I would fret after a day or so of no texts or speaking and would text him, only to not get the answer I wanted or even worse an ambiguous one which made me fret more. Every second of every day I was stressing about it. I thought that if we didn't talk he would forget about me or think that I was the one who didn't care. Or maybe he wasn't talking to me because he thought I was upset at something he did. (Looking back, I can't believe how little I thought of myself - I really had reason to be upset! and I blew it off and buckled!) So I would text so he would know I wasn't upset. Finally after 2 months of that I sent one last text and let it go.

 

That was only 6 days ago, but I feel free. I still get sad and doubt and worry but I just tell myself I did all I can do and I have to get on with it. He will either come back or not. Nothing I can do will change how he feels, only he knows what's going on in his head, and I would want him to stay only because he wanted to. So this thread just reiterates that NC is the way to go. Even if he doesn't come back, at least I am able to stop bouncing off the walls in a million different directions and start moving forward in one. It certainly isn't the one I wanted and I'm still clinging onto false hope that I know I shouldn't have, but at least I'm moving again.

 

I wish you all the best, and not that I ever want anyone else to hurt but it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one feeling so hurt and confused, heart-broken and helpless.

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Hey SuperDave,

 

I'm doing ok. Getting some things accomplished and living my life. That is about the most that I think that I can do. What will be will be and I expect one day that things will be good again. Maybe even today!

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Great advices coming in this thread, and I need some myself!

I understand all this NC-thing, but I'm in a difficult situation:

 

My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, but we live together in the other side of the country from my home and friends. We don't know too many people there, and living there had made the relationship.. well.. not good! We didn't do anything together, just sat by the TV and.. gave up, I guess..

The problem is that we have to live there together for 2 more months!

As we do still talk and are trying to be friends, there are no hard feelings. But what do I do?

I still love him, and want him back. I just don't see how that can happen when we have to live together..The NC-thing won't work for me here, as it is impossible!

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Hi SuperDave71 -

 

I'm new...and I think posted in the wrong area so I recapped it, and posted here...I broke up with my boyfriend in October....because frankly I was putting more in then I was getting out. I was going through a divorce, but it wasn't an ugly one, in fact, I never talked about it. I just rolled with it, and worked it out.

 

Anyway, I really liked this guy at first. We worked together. He just turned out to be a selfish, insecure, and pretty cheap. I was constantly giving him reassurance. Something was wrong with this picture. The icing on the cake was after a year, he never asked me one personal question. Nothing. Not even, where were you born? He never even asked why I broke up with him.

 

After a year of this, I broke up with him. We continued to argue over chat, because he was always trying to get in touch with me, and I would tell him to stay away, because I would never heal otherwise.

 

He then chatted me, and told me he was dating someone, and was having problems. It broke me in a million pieces....I never told him anything about what I was doing, because I wasn't dating. Why? As much as we fought, I still wouldn't hurt him because in my opinion its rude and disrespectful to tell an ex about new loves..because the other person could still be hurting. I wasn't sure why he would intentionally hurt me.

 

A week ago, he sent me a chat telling me I was beautiful and started flirting with me...I didn't know what to do.. so I didn't do anything. It confused me. I haven't heard from in a week...

 

Yesterday, I blocked him from my chats, and emails. I feel alone, and stupid...and I have these visions of him having the time of his life...meeting people...enjoying women...and replacing me. I'm really trying with the NC thing. I wonder if blocking him, is a stupid move..or immature. A part of me really wants to hear from him, but I know it's not right. If he didn't even want to know about me, then he will never fight for what we had. I don't want to do any of those stupid IM's, or texts either, because that is something I would REALLY do.

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This forum has been a lifer saver. I fell in love with someone I should not have. I involved myself with a Mother of 3 whose husband is a schmuck and she was working on a divorce. Never, I mean never involve yourself with a person who needs or even might need to be rescued. It is a recipe for disaster.

 

 

Ok so here I am on day 13 of no contact, she has texted me and emailed me, after she broke it off with me cause she found a text message from her husband's g/f saying to each other they love each other. This apparetnly struck home with her the vows of marriage she took. So she breaks it off with me, mind you she did it over the phone ( upsets me quite abit to know I mean less to her than this ( a face to face I'm sorry or I do care but can't)) ending. I know she has 3 kids and maybe very pressed for time to be able to do something like this but a phone call or message would suffice explaining. To complicate things she has some stuff she'd like to return ( I can do without it since the pain aint worth it) and is using this to attempt contact ( ie her email). Ok so she emails me catching me up with stuff and asking what is going on with me. Then the next day she texts me wishing me , a "Happy Easter" ( mind you I was the texter and she would always say she wasnt savvy to ttexting and not respond for a day or two) . Then today 2 calls, one to the house and one to the cell but with no messages.

 

 

It amazes me how much these strings and stories of the dumper follow a very similiar timeline. They are just as insecure as we are, we have to remember that. We retain power now that we decide what happens to our hearts, now that they cant "excerise control over it" . I am getting better, stronger, and more insightful. Following my head and not my heart as we have been taught and shown (Hollywood thank u so much) in books, movies and culture. She doesnt deserve me, just like the majority of dumpers dont deserve the posters I have gotten to know thru thier posting. I do love her though.

 

 

My goal right now is to use no contact to see if I mean enuf to her to be a friend. I believe I deserved better than how she ended it asking for time and space, but wnating to remain friends. She has not done anything yet proving she is worthy of a friendship with me. It has been about her and keeping power for her. Forcing me to contact her after texting and emailing, No message after calling, she broke it off she wants to be friends, be my friend and treat me like a friend not worrying about messages. Just say hi and ask how I am doing / hope all is well. Does that make sense? I do it for my friends.

Love is war

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Ok she sent me a email thinking I was mad at her. I tore my heart out. She has some of my stuff and asked where she can return it. I am playing it off that I was just busy and lost track of time.

 

Here is my response.

 

Why do you thhik I am mad, I have just been busy, gym, Cam, Running, lost 15 lbs ( refocused ) just busy, sorry have not gotten back to you. Saw you called cell phone yesterday? Uhm I guess I have should have got back to you sooner, thanks for Easter wish by the way.

What makes you thik I am mad, should I be mad?. Is there something I should know that might make me mad. Like I said just have been busy and actually was taking a nap when you called yesterday. Why wouldnt you leave a message?

Ok dishes. Just bring them by. I will be home tonite, and tomorrow morning. I work tomorrow nite at 7pm as usual. Do you want me to just swing by and pick them up at Mercy?

Cam and me are all good, his mother is still problematic and has problems thinking things thru.. Same old same old. Wish there were more hours available at mercy but I am sure you are suckn them all up. Getting by though.

 

 

John

 

Mad? You really have me curious and thinking now, should I know something?

 

 

I think pretty upbeat and straight fwd, Could have been shorter but Just wanted to address couple things. Ok should have kept NC in place, but I did not want her to think she still has control by me having anger with her. That puts her back in drivers seat. Better that I acknowledge her and tell her no big deal than for her to see that she affects me still. Right?

 

Zeus

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I guess this is like a journal for me.

 

Ok been 24 hours and I feel like a dumb * * * * *. Should have let her think I was mad, what does it matter if she thinks I am mad anyways. No contact was for me and she was thinking about me leaping to conclusions. Dumb on my part.. Word of advice to future no contacters stick with it no excuses. Dumb can I say it enuf? Now just got to be cool and put on the happy no big deal face. Sooner than I would have liked but now no choice. Dumb.

 

Thanx. I would never be able to get thru this with out having looked like a complete dumba$$ withouteveryone's prior postings and experiences to guide me.

 

Zeus

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Zeus2007 -

 

Don't stress and beat yourself up over this. Go back to NC!!! It's the hardest thing you could ever do. I'm going on day 9 and every day is getting better. I blocked him from IM, and email. He knows how to get in touch with me if he wanted. Obviously he doesn't want to, so now the truth comes out. I blocked him so I wouldn't be tempted.

 

Just erase her IM, email, and don't TEMPT yourself. It's only torture for you in the end, and your heart doesn't deserve that...it's not fair.

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Hi SuperDave71

 

 

 

 

At this moment I'm at a quite same situation! My ex is meeting once in two weeks a "friend" she knew from the past. She said it is just a friend and nothing else. I never told her to stop seeing him, but from inside this situation

makes me very unsure. It is about 4 moth ago she broke with me. We lived in the same apartment, but now she haves her own apartment. In the meantime we were still dating (no kissing or sex). Until last week I implemented the NC. Four days later she called me, but I did not answered the phone. My question is: did i implemented the NC too late to make her realize the consequences of her choice? It is not a game I'm playing with her. I'm also using this time to rethink about our relationship. I gave a lot and received almost nothing from her. I still love her... but I'm just I human not a prophet! Please do you have any advice for me?

 

Thanks

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Okay, i haven't read this whole thread, so i'd like to ask a question.

 

What if she decides to call you after N/C? What should you do then? What if she tells me that she was wrong about it, and really misses me? Is it okay to accept her back then? or should i continue my N/C?

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Great advices coming in this thread, and I need some myself!

I understand all this NC-thing, but I'm in a difficult situation:

 

My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, but we live together in the other side of the country from my home and friends. We don't know too many people there, and living there had made the relationship.. well.. not good! We didn't do anything together, just sat by the TV and.. gave up, I guess..

The problem is that we have to live there together for 2 more months!

As we do still talk and are trying to be friends, there are no hard feelings. But what do I do?

I still love him, and want him back. I just don't see how that can happen when we have to live together..The NC-thing won't work for me here, as it is impossible!

 

Kenna,

 

I'm kind of in the same situation. Me and my ex lived together and then broke up, but I couldnt afford to move out right away. I ended leaving about a month after the B-Up, but as she grew distant in that time, I became enamored again.

 

When it came time to move I was devastated. Like at first I was ready and excited for the fresh start, but then the time until the move allowed emotions to percolate and rekindle old flame. For me not her.

 

I guess I'm saying becareful not to fall for him if he's completely through with it.

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I agree with your posts....I guess i have done everything wrong since my girlfriend and I broke up and i did a lot for her birthday before i said my final goodbye and let her have her space... i wasted almost 1000 dollar but right now i feel that was the right things to do for her....but it been really hard, it only been 3 days since i haven't contact to her....all those crazy thoughts goes to my head about she forgetting me and stuff.

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hey superdave...

 

My girlfriend broke up with three weeks ago, she said she needed time alone to get her self together. i chased her a week, then i stop and she started calling constantly for like another week. then she stop, i didn't bother but i called her once on sunday of the 8th and she got very insecure about me talkin to my ex..and we got into arugment i ended up calling her immature and insecure about it. THen she said i am done with you, i am not coming back to you no more and respect my wish leave me alone. I didn't leave her alone the next day i called her and tried to convince jus to see me a day before her birthday. She did and i have left her alone for 4 days now, haven't called her. I know that she has many other guys calling her i feel so replaced...

 

 

Well i am just asking if you can read my post "it been really difficult" and give me your feedback please...thank you

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Dtman85...

 

It sounds like you are really hurting, and I wish I could make it better. I'm doing the NC thing, and it's been sooooooo hard, but sooooo good. Let her come back if YOU are ready. Don't chase her....just take this time to figure out what makes you happy. Give yourself the space you need....you are worth it.

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I hope that someone can give me advice about my situation. I started dating this guy a couple of months ago and things have been great. We knew each other before but at that time we were both married. I have been separated from my ex for nearly 10 months now. He and his ex started having problems about 7 months ago but officially moved out of the same house 5 months ago. When we ran into each other I wasn't looking for a relationship, he said that he wasn't either. We kissed that night and he said that it was the first time he kissed someone since he and his ex split. From that moment on he started to shower my with affection. He called and texted me at least 6 times a day, he brought me flowers on Valentine's Day to my work! This was something completely unexpected because we hadn't even had an official date before that. After V-day, he started spending nearly every night at my house. He charmed all of my roommates (and they are male) by bringing wine and including them in conversations. He met all of my friends and he introduced me to all of his. This went on for weeks until one night one of my friend's asked him if he was my boyfriend. I hadn't heard but later he told me that he had said "yes," and waited for my reaction. This continued for over one month. He would always say what an amazing woman I am and how he has grown attached to me so quickly. He frequently told me how he couldn't believe how comfortable he felt around me and it seemed like he'd known me for years. He also told me how he couldn't believe they way I charmed all of his friends and everyone I met. I couldn't help falling for such a nice, romantic man. We had the best conversations (something he said that he never had with his ex). He was always very open with me. From the beginning, he told me that he wasn't sure if he was ready for me because of just getting out of the relationship but since he was always showering me with affection, I didn't think that he thought too much about that. The only concern he voiced was that he was getting really attached to me (I always said that was a good thing). He also made a couple of comments in a sort of joking way that our romance would end after I graduated because I would leave. All of my friends encouraged me to date him because they saw his reaction around me, the way he looked at me, etc...

 

Things were going this way for over a month until one weekend he didn't come by. I was disappointed but since he works late on weekends, I thought that he was just tired. Later I found out that he spent the weekend thinking. This was Easter weekend. This was the first time that he said he thought that maybe we have different goals in life. I am not sure how so and didn't ask him to elaborate because I am currently working on a dissertation and didn't want to have an in-depth, emotional conversation until the dissertation was due (it's due in 3 weeks).

 

From that moment on, he started to text and call me a lot less. He stopped saying how attached to me he is, stopped saying that he adores me and stopped coming to my house as much. He was always still nice to me and affectionate when we were together just showed it a little less than before (texting less and not expressing his feelings for me). I still didn't say anything because of my need to focus on my studies. We never fought and still had great conversations.

 

After a few weeks of this, he started a serious conversation with me. He and his ex are still friends and apparently they had a fight the night before, which still affected him the next day. He told me again that he was afraid that we have different goals because he wants to return to Brazil in a couple of years. (He's Brazilian and I'm American and we are living in the UK). I told him that I don't mind because I have no problem to go there again to live (I lived in Brazil for nearly 5 years, speak Portuguese and have a Brazilian green card). He questioned if I really liked him and I said of course. We talked a bit more and he seemed REALLY happy. He kept smiling, started kissing me and said that now he has new questions in his mind.

 

He called me that night to say goodnight (it was a Wednesday) and called every ight after that but still hadn't come over (something rare). I had thought that after the "talk" things would improve. Now, when he called his voice didn't even sound as happy to talk to me..but he still called a couple of times a day. Then that Friday night he told me via telephone that he needs some time alone to sort himself out. I asked him if he thought this would take a long time and sort of laughed but he said no. I was really upset but I tried not to show it and said ok.

 

The next day my roommates and I had a cookout with some friends. I sent him a text to invite him but he called later and said that he couldn't because he was busy. A few hours later my friend called to say that he was at her restaurant (this is normal because it's near his work and he has friends there). She had asked him about me and he told her (according to her, whom I believe) that he was still in love with his ex so he needed some time to think. I was sad so I asked my friends to go out with me that night.

 

While I was out with them he called me. His voice was different this time and seemed happy and upbeat. He laughed and asked where I was (the music was loud). I told him and he said that if his roommate came home he'd meet me. So he said that he'd call me later. We changed clubs and then I noticed I had 2 missed calls from him. I called him back and he had gone to the club where I had been and we decided to meet up at another club. We did and had a great night (one of my friends said "wow you're boyfriend really takes good care of you" regarding the way he was with me that night. In fact, he stayed with me that night (Saturday), all the next day and night as well. He was super affectionate again. My friends are a little protective of me but told me later that he looked really happy with me. On Monday I went to the library and he did some of his things. I didn't think that he'd want to see me again but he did. He asked me to come to his house to stay the night, so I did. It was great and seemed like things were back to normal-he was so affectionate. He even went downstairs to get his new roommate to meet me. The next day he took me to the restaurant where he works before he stated working and made coffee for us (he introduced me to the few employees I hadn't already met). On Tuesday night he didn't stay at my place to spend time with his friend/roommate at home who just moved to our town.

 

The next day (today) he came to my house to help me translate something. When he got to my house he seemed normal. Kissed and hugged me at the door, smiled when he saw me, etc. When we got upstairs he did the same while translating. (He did this during his work break). He still had some time left so we sat on the bed and started to talk about my concerns about my studies and he stroked my hair saying it would be ok. Then he got serious again. I jokingly asked what was wrong. The he said it...what all this has been building up to: I think we should take a break so you can work on your dissertation and I can think. I couldn't believe it. I asked him 3 times if he likes me or not and he said "yes how could i not" but he needs time to breathe. He said that he needs to find himself. (He and his ex were together for 2 1/2 years). He also said that he was afraid that I like him more than he likes me! That was hard for me to believe considering all the attention he always gave me and the things he said. He also said that a relationship should be progressing at this point (we have been together just over 2 months). He said that he has a lot of pressure on him from his family in Brazil, his son (he has a son from a former girlfriend in Brazil) and other pressures (he didn't elaborate). I told him that he didn't seem worried when he was with me and he said that he's never worried about things when he's with me and that he's very happy. So I said I don't understand why he wants to spend time away from me if he likes me so much. He mentioned again that after I graduate I will want to find a job some place and wouldn't really want him to go (this isn't true and I tried to tell him that). He said that I had plenty of time to find myself after my ex and I split but he hasn't. I asked if he was planning or wanted to go back to his ex but he said no, not at all. He also said who knows maybe he will regret this. He said that he wants to be friends and that he would call me later tonight. I told him I don't know what the point is to call me if he wants time alone. I didn't yell or anything but I was trying hard not to cry, so I told him thanks a lot for adding the extra stress right now.

 

I am now really upset and confused. I am not going to call him to pressure him or bother him. I know that you can't make someone change their mind by begging. I just don't know what to think. Why would someone who seems so happy just decide to do this? I really, really like him but I am not sure if he truly likes me. Could it be that he was just afraid to tell me that he doesn't really like me? I mean, do people who like you ask for a break or need to be alone? Isn't that just a nice way of breaking up? Could his feelings truly have changed? Should I just let go? I am afraid that I will never hear from him again and this hurts so much. Sorry this is so long but it just happened this afternoon and I'm heartbroken. He's the first guy I've dated in 7 months and I was certain he was the one. I liked everything about him. I don't know if maybe I pushed him away by asking if his family would like me, etc. I hope someone out there can help me try to figure things out..

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how much do i hate dreaming about her...it make me so happi when i do but when i wake up...reality just set back in, I go online this morning and see her on but she left a bit after i was on....pretty hurt to see that....day 6

 

Block/delete her and it's not gonna hurt. You are only keeping yourself in the pain man. I knwo it's hard b/c I been through but you gotta do it for you. Nothing you do will change her mind so instead do everything for you.

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