You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[LadyV]

Here's a few thoughts.

 

FCTex

The conversation you had with her was good. Keeping it light, friendly & upbeat is the only thing you can do. Carry on acting like you are fine & that you're getting on with work, etc. I acted like a d*** when my ex walked away & at first (for 6wks +) i couldn't speak to him without talking about what'd happened or crying, etc & i know that i only pushed him away. I, like u, had a great conversation with him about a month ago & although it was hard, i was friendly & upbeat etc & i was the one who ended the call. However, 3 days later when i was feeling v down, & asked him to call & he did. The conversation was awful & i felt s*** again. Whilst we text & things seem ok, i haven't spoken to him since the call & have no intentions of phoning. I guess what i'm trying to say is carry on doing what you're doing & as hard as it may be - don't call (let her do it). I've no idea what she's thinking but if you hold back on making contact, you'll know if she's contacting because she wants to, instead of just replying to your attempts. Good luck & keep smiling (i've got my fingers xd).

 

Rickster

I know it's hard & you're obviously struggling with contact (i did too at first) but please try to hold back. I can't say i was v good at not contacting because i was c*** but it only pushes them further away. If you're contacting everyday, try at first every two days & then three, etc. I'd like to say STOP but if you can't, try to lessen the amount you're doing it. Try to look at it this way - How do you know she wants to speak to you? The only way you'll know is if you sit back & she initiates it. Maybe she won't call but if she does, at least you'll feel more positive about yourself. Good luck

 

Can anyone give me any ideas about my situation (see earlier in the post)? All thoughts would be good - thanks

[SuperDave71]

You must rememeber...you can only deal with YOUR situation....Not theirs. Work on yourself and even if they are doing teh same thing you are ( N.C. ) you are BOTH better off for it ( right now ) Eventually, someone might end up breaking it..but only after time and some degree of healing occurs....OR ...you have healed enough that it wouldn't matter in the first place.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Rickster]

ladyV- i read your post. however, im not the best person to consult and that's why Im here. Im here to understand people's feelings and emotions and apply the best in my situation. sorry

 

ive tried not calling my ex for 5 days, it was tough work and after that i broke that chain cause I couldn't handle boredom(because when I was with her I let go all of my friends just so that she knew she was even more important than my friends and also to give more attention and time to her) and that feeling where you just want to know what she's doing(unexplainable). well now shes gone for a holiday out of the country so i can't contact her and havent for a week. somehow i just dont think this no contact isnt going to help. do you really think she will call me when she gets back, i think the possibility is low, and the stupidest thing i said before she left i asked her to text me a message to keep in touch like friends do when she goes there.

 

 

SuperDave or anyone else willing to help, i believe in my situation the no contact rule wouldn't work because there was this time where she called me and text me about computer parts and what-nots. and she told me after that like 2 days after that, that her boyfriend got angry at her doing that (jealousy i suppose). and thats why she will not call me or text me. and she said that if she ever goes and see me alone he will get really very angry at her.

[waiting]

Rickster - Am in a similar situation with my ex. She wont stop the seeing the new boyfriend, but doesnt want to totally let go of the ex. (only in my case i doubt he knows all she is saying to me and "trusts" her....)

 

Though it comes to a point when you have to ask yourself - who is more important to her?

 

In my case, she doesnt want to lose me, but doesnt want to stop seeing him either. But she knows she cant have both. And yet she cant still say its never going to happen for us again. Its a cruel game they play with us, and it doesnt matter that they are confused or unsure of what they want.

 

Sounds like you have to what I am doing - let them know you love them and you hope for them to come back. But stay away. She cant have both, and if she wants him - you are gone. No weak excuses to call, no asking for help with anything, no nothing.

 

You have to be firm and its as hard as hell. If they really love you, they will miss you and maybe only then will they start to think. If you stay around, she gets it both ways and its not on.

[SuperDave71]

If your ex's refuse to stop seeing their boyfriends, it really puts into perspective how important you are in their lives. Let it go for now. New relationships are just that.....new. They have soemone to pre-occupy their time. It's harder for the dumpee's because we are too worried about what happened and how to get them back. Sit tight and start no contact...You must remember one VERY IMPORTANT THING... the new relationship "honeymoon stage" only lasts a possible 3 to 4 months. I suggest in time you start NC. NC is for you , NOT them. IUt doesn't guarantee anything but it sure increases your odds. If you call, beg, email etc etc ...it won't do any good. Let them come to you....The facts are...if they contact you in a positive way....they are thinking of you and that is exactly what you want. The idea is...don't settle for scraps when you can hold yoru head up high and tell yourself I was fine without you before, I can do it again. Learn to let go for now..

 

 

 

--SuperDave71

[Satin]

Hi SuperDave. Great subject.

Sundays are really hard for me...for whatever reason.

Unless I am working of course....then they aren't so hard.

Today is a rough day for me. Just thinking about him a lot.

I am trying to do NC, as you said....but it isn't always easy.

I just keep thinking that it will not be to my benefit if I do....that keeps me from doing it.

I don't think he is with someone else...yet, and honestly I don't want to think about that. I think that would be the dagger in my heart...because at least right NOW I feel like if I can manage to give him space and time..that I at LEAST still have a chance. When you add another person in the equasion, there are just SO many more variables...and it gets messy.

I just hope that he doesn't meet someone ELSE in the meantime, during this NC stage. Yeah ..by then I will be stronger, but I know it will STILL hurt!

Any tips on how to sustain NC without going nuts?lol

[roxtina]

Super Dave I've done everything from N/C and working on myself but I just cant get rid of this pain. Make matters worse I found out his new girl is moving in with him. I thought it was a rebound since he started dating her couple days after me. I'm so hurt Please read my story Its under "becoming so weak after being so strong" name is roxtina. How could someone move on so fast? Do ex's after being in another relationship realize they did love you after all and regret their decision?

[SuperDave71]

Roxtina....

 

It sounds to me that she was a secret...people do not move on THAT quickly as far as I am concerned. If they moved in this fast and it wasn't a secret, I would be shocked and I could almost guarantee it was because they both need someone for their own happiness. It won't last......Keep doing NC and you will start feeling better. Stop worring about him....and worry about what you CAN change.....YOU.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

I hope anyone in New Orleans is doing ok tonight!!!

 

My prayers are with you guys down there!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[skyjuice]

Hi Superdave,

 

Glad to read on this topic.

It really help me a lot.

 

 

[Rickster]

SuperDave i have so much to learn from your experiences. So you are saying I should use the NC rule now... im not sure how long she's been with him but Im guessing 6 to 7 months and as i said he is jealous that she talks to me or that i call and talk to her. So if i call her even more do you think she would ignore me or she might get irritated by him pestering her about me talking to her?

[SuperDave71]

Rickster,

 

 

The NC is for you. I have noticed that when NC is used, it allows the person to slowly let go. This is not a game of I don't call she or he will. THis allows the other party involved to TRULY see what life would be like without you.....and I mean completely. It is very difficult to do but it does work. Even if your ex is with someone else, as long as there is caring and undersatnding for one another.....anything can happen. I believe when 2 people break-up....( especially for the dumpee ) if the dumper wants to leave...or the need time....Give them allllll the space they want...and I mean NOTHING....don't give them anything. Sounds cruel ....but if they didn; want to see you...or they needed space....give it to them if you can.

 

 

--Good Luck to you,

 

 

--SuperDave71

 

 

 

[fantasia2004]

You must rememeber...you can only deal with YOUR situation....Not theirs. Work on yourself and even if they are doing teh same thing you are ( N.C. ) you are BOTH better off for it ( right now ) Eventually, someone might end up breaking it..but only after time and some degree of healing occurs....OR ...you have healed enough that it wouldn't matter in the first place.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

 

When you are healing, SuperDave, is it healthy at all to constantly be thinking that they (your ex) might be doing better than you?

 

You know "the grass is always greener on the other side" concept?

 

Or do you agree with the comment ,"never assume"?

[SuperDave71]

I would only focus on yourself. You are only wasting valuable energy thinking of the ex in this scenerio. NC is for you....NOT to be over obsessing about the ex. I know its difficult not to think of the ex...But you shouldn't dwell on it considering they are not in your life the way you want right now.

 

 

Focus on you.....and only you right now. You cannot change how the other feels, thinks or does.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Rickster]

SuperDave sounds like you are really happy after your break up... You must be doing well in getting back with her. What if she never calls me after me doing all that NC? Theres something weird about me, I just don't want to forget about her, it's not that I can't but I just don't want to. She's really better than other girls (my opinion).

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

How long have you been doing NC?

If it is recently, it is still too early to tell.

 

If after a long time, and you had tried every possible way to let her go, you just could not. To add, you had also work on yourself and you are happy with your current life. Then, you still feel that she is the right person for you.

 

At this stage, it is suggested that you take some action instead of waiting. However, bare in mind, you could not make someone love you. If she still want you, she would accept you back.

[yo]

Hi Superdave,

 

All this no contact has a chance of getting back your ex ONLY if your ex has left you because she needed space or she thought you were needy etc.. But what if your ex leaves you because she loves somebody else and wants to spend the rest of her life with this man! I know NC will help you heal, but, clearly she wouldn't even care about what you do - NC or no NC. She might feel pity for you or may want to be your friend but will never ever come back. Is there no way to get her back?

[LostAngel]

Hi Superdave

 

You seem to be helping so many enotaloners.

 

Please can you take a look at my situation...I would appreciate your valuable view. You can take a look at my latest post called Hurt again...Is it time to just let it all go??? & prevoius posts.

 

I'm having a tough time & don't know how to get past this.

 

Sorry to bug you...

 

Thanks

 

 

 

LostAngel

[SuperDave71]

To Yo..

 

 

 

My ex left me beause she was "in love" with her ex as well. In other words, it works no matter who did what....If there is an ounce of loving underneath the heartache...you will realize the way to love them, even if they are with someone else, is to let them go for now.

 

 

-- GOOD Luck

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[apricklypear]

el amor no existe pero es maravilloso...

[Echo]

I have a question.....

 

Does anyone still look up ex'es...say like to see if they are still online, etc?? This applies to dumpers and dumpees....

Even if it's just out of morbid curiosity? Is this somewhat normal?

[Enn]

Agh I'm in an infuriating situation! Been 'seeing' a man at work (can see him from here) for two or three months...got sick of the fact he didn't seem to have time to see me (though he IS very busy) and I didn't even know if I was actually 'going out' with him, despite the fact stuff was very definitely going on - all very complicated really but I suddenly lost my cool and snapped. He suddenly retreated and wouldn't accept my apology. He said 'This has sent me crashing and I need time to build myself back up again.' This was one week ago. So I just left him to it, apart from a couple of questionless text messages I sent him at the weekend just to try and be cordial.

 

Have given him all the space he's wanted and more since then (a week ago). And now I'm just getting completely pointless text messages from him. I got my hair cut two days ago. The sum total of his contact to me these past couple of days has been 'Cute hair xx' followed by a text at midnight saying 'Goodnight cute hair xx.' He's just left work for the day and after a day of no contact at all (I'm letting him make first contact every time, of there's to be any) he's sent 'Oh I do like the hair xx.'

 

WHAT IS THE BLOODY POINT?! WHY is he doing this? I've been replying, but only reciprocating with one or two words. Is this a mistake? Will I ever get more than this? It IS definitely a mistake to do more isn't it? He WILL come after me if he likes me won't he? Should I be ignoring the crumbs I'm getting sent?Agh I'm in an infuriating situation!

 

FINALLY: I love this forum and all the people in it!

[Boricua7]

All right. You seem like you know what you're talking about. What happens if your boyfriend tells you he wants to be with you but you have to give him more space than you're giving him, so you do, then he starts calling you all the time? Should you pick up? Play hard to get? What if he IMs you? Should you ignore the message? Block him? I mean, I don't want him to think I'm just sitting here waiting for him to contact me so I'm doing my own thing. I don't want to ignore him either, though. Should I only respond to him if I'm not busy? I'm confused! Is this just the result of NC? Isn't making him miss me and wanting to talk to me what I did NC for? I just don't know what to do now that I've gotten to this point! HELP ME!!!!

[SuperDave71]

Easy....

 

 

Leave him alone....Stop with the childish blocking....Just don't respond.

 

 

Give him what he wants...space.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Boricua7]

I never blocked him. Up until now I just didnt respond. So now I'll just continue to do so. Thanks!