My boyfriends a dealer

[thegirl_00]

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6 months. We get along so great, the sex is great. We go everywhere together and i get along with all his friends and he gets along with mine.

The problem here... He's a dealer. He has been dealing for a year now, and he wants to start making MORE money but only for another 6 months (so he tells me) and then he wants to quit. I am SOO against the dealing situation, he only sells pot, but i hate it. He's so smart, he did WAY better in school then i did. I know he's addicted to making money and if he continues doing this he will never have motivatoin to get an actual education. He will continue making easy money and i fear he will never stop.

I mentioned this to him tonight for the first time. He get a little angry and said we needed to stop takling about it because he didn't want to get into a fight. This has been bothering me for sucha long time. I'm afraid for him because i can see this taking over his life and he's such an amazing guy. i really need advice if anyone can help, if not thanx for listening.

[Caldus]

You really need to communicate this issue with him. Force it. It's obviously bothering you a lot so do it.

 

[EDIT] Let him know just how much it really bothers you. Just force it and don't let him just stop the argument.

[naughtycowgirl]

like caldus said..just keep nagging him about it and then express how you feel about him. that will motivate him to stop

[Irishmanco]

If he cares enough for you he will stop. If it's what you want and won't live with he may stop if he cares enough for you. Smart people make good dealers especially if they speak well. If he continues what are you willing to do? Do you care because you think it's wrong or because he can get bagged?

 

Sooner or later dealers get caught. No matter how smart of well spoken. If it continues and you stay together don't forget that what happens to him will affect you and your family.

[BellaDonna]

I am SOO against the dealing situation, he only sells pot, but i hate it. He's so smart, he did WAY better in school then i did. I know he's addicted to making money and if he continues doing this he will never have motivatoin to get an actual education

 

I would suggest:

 

NEVER smoke it with him- it will only reinforce his behavior (I'm not saying you have- but just in case)

 

Don't ever let him hear you say "it's only pot". It's still a drug, and and illegal one at that. Pot can still get him arrested.

 

I agree with the others that you have to be persistent and not let this go. If he refuses to change then you might want to evaluate if he's worth staying with. A drug dealer isn't good future material whether you look at it from the perspective of having him as a husband or even a father one day. If a deal goes ever wrong- being in his presense can put you in danger.

 

Also, the pot could be a stepping tone to "worse" drugs- if prescription meds become more demanded on the streets- he could get into selling those- if the "market" is better coke- he could end up selling that. If he gets used to making money this way- it could easily grow into something bigger....

 

I would let him know that you care about him and you think he's capable of so much more.

 

I wish I could send my father-in-law through a magic machine so your BF could meet him. My father-in-law was a major pothead and dealer since the 1960's. He got arrested many times so he finally decided to stop selling before he had to spend major time in jail. But you can still see the toll smoking took on him and the result of his addiction. He slurs and babbles- he's not as quick or witty as he used to be. He's your typical BURN-OUT. My husband is EMBARRASSED by him. He's scared my husband out of any desire to smoke, even as a teenager.

 

 

BellaDonna

[shes2smart]

Nagging is not an effective method to alter behavior. All it does is piss off the person who is the target of nagging.

 

I assume you've made it clear to him that you disapprove of how he's choosing to make a living? If not, that's the first thing to do. Not in a nagging way, but in a very matter-of-fact "this is what I think" kind of way.

 

Once you've stated your opinion, you cannot make him change his behavior. If he chooses to continue dealing, the only thing you can control is *your* behavior.

 

Here's your choice: accept the risks that come along with being involved with someone involved in illegal activities or decide that those risks are not acceptable to you and leave.

 

Doesn't matter how good other aspects of the relationship are...what you need to seriously look at is the fact that (if you are in the US) what he is doing is illegal. Even if you are not directly involved, you are close enough to the illegal activity that you could easily be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. In that case, even if you are completely innocent, it still takes time to sort that out.

 

When the crap hits the fan, it splatters....do you want to put yourself in a place where you're likely to be sprayed with the splatter?

[SimoneTiger]

Nagging is not an effective method to alter behavior.

 

No, but it's a very effective way to force someone to confront the issue. Especially when he's saying he'd rather not talk about it and avoid the conflict such a conversation would lead to.

 

An ex-boyfriend's nagging helped me face and admit my self-esteem problems and overcome anorexia when I was younger, and my family and I will always be grateful for his involvement.

 

My fiance's nagging (and, again, involving my family--even if behind my back) was what snapped me out of my denial, and caused me to seek help for more recent problems with social phobia & depression. And, honesly... Thank God that I did seek help. I don't even want to think about what my life would be like right now if he had not kept asking questions and forcing me to discuss what's going on, and just how much my well-being & future matter to him.

 

My advice to thegirl_20: keep nagging. It's worth your and your boyfriend's future.

[thegirl_00]

Thanx for your advice everyone.

He has thought about dealing other drugs, such as coke, but he didn't because i told him i didn't approve. I NEVER smoke weed with him, and hes cut back to almost nothing because i quit drinking. I have changed him a lot for the betterand he has changed me as well. but the dealing situation is something he doesn;t want to give up it seems. I've really thought about the advice you guys gave me. I don't want to have to lose him over this, but if he doesn't stop i don't see their being a future. I am going to mention this to him tonight and i'm going to MAKE him talk about it with me, hopefully we can figure something out. Thanx for your advice everyone!

[Caldus]

Thanx for your advice everyone.

He has thought about dealing other drugs, such as coke, but he didn't because i told him i didn't approve. I NEVER smoke weed with him, and hes cut back to almost nothing because i quit drinking. I have changed him a lot for the betterand he has changed me as well. but the dealing situation is something he doesn;t want to give up it seems. I've really thought about the advice you guys gave me. I don't want to have to lose him over this, but if he doesn't stop i don't see their being a future. I am going to mention this to him tonight and i'm going to MAKE him talk about it with me, hopefully we can figure something out. Thanx for your advice everyone!

 

If he continues to disrespect like you this then you know what you need to do...

[wadeblues]

He may be an amazing guy to you, but to the rest of us, he's only amazing if he stops dealing drugs and begins to build something real for himself. Drugs are not a future. And he's really not thinking about your future together until he's totally out of the drug scene.

 

He's not participating in society right now, and believe m, I've been there myself. My suggestion: Make him show you his 6 month plan specifically on paper.

[Caldus]

He may be an amazing guy to you, but to the rest of us, he's only amazing if he stops dealing drugs and begins to build something real for himself. Drugs are not a future. And he's really not thinking about your future together until he's totally out of the drug scene.

 

He's not participating in society right now, and believe m, I've been there myself. My suggestion: Make him show you his 6 month plan specifically on paper.

 

Glad someone else shares my views on that. I've never done drugs myself, but have had friends who did them. You can't build a good future for yourself by doing drugs. By being a drug dealer, it speaks volumes about how much you care about your own life and your future (which is probably not very much at all).

[RayKay]

I think this is a situation that you are really going to have to stick to your beliefs on....and realize that what HE is doing also has an impact on you in some way or another.

 

I am not going to get into a debate of whether pot is really terrible or not, but I will say that even if you do smoke it, most would say that dealing in it is not the wisest choice in a country where it is illegal, nor is it wise to focus your attentions on dealing when you can be thinking long term about putting efforts into education and building a "real" career.

 

And more so, the fact that he knows it hurts you that he does it, yet still continues to do something that is illegal is another problem.

 

And what would happen if you were to live with this guy and he got busted with drugs in your house...guess whom else in the house would also be seen as liable to prosecution? What if you are with him in public when he got busted?

 

There are also a lot of safety issues involved..while he "only deals pot" trust me, you don't want to be messing with some of his customers...and what if he DOES decide to move up to cocaine/heroine at some point "where the real money is"?

 

If he does not create a plan to quit, and stick to it, I think you need to leave this situation..for YOUR sake.