Tears and Pain

[Terrence]

Hello People, it's been a while since I've posted something on here and at the moment I'm hurting, I'm confused and I feel that both my head and my heart are done in and I really can't take much more of this. I really need some guidence...

Last year was a bad year, I got dumped on my birthday by my ex and then I hit rock bottom, I then tried to change things in my life, I changed my job, and put my name down for counciling, in hope of liking myself again. Then in my new job, fell for my boss, that didn't happen either. My main thing in life was to focus on bettering myself through the counciling, but instead I would just help other people instead of myself. Then in the end i would have it all thrown back in my face by those I'd helped. In this time I have thought bad things of myself and tried to take my life a few times, but something stopping me. But to me the above is nothing, the following is my main low...

Imagine meeting the one person who you would only dream of, the only one true person you thought could never do you wrong, and that person possibly being your soul mate. Well in October of last year, I got talking to a lady a few years younger than myself on the internet. She lived in London and myself in Newcastle. Now due to previous events on the net, I was always very dubious of people on the net in chat rooms. However I felt this one was differant. She was honest. I knew even though I was only ever wanting friendship, I knew what I was getting with her. She was married (unhappily) and had two lovely daughters. As time went on for the first few months from october to february this year we would only chat on the net, each gradually opening up to each other, finding out differant things about each other. Then towards the end of feb we exchanged numbers and started texts, now i know in the past while chatting to her, she met one guy who she messed with, he was cheating on his girlfriend, and she got chatting to another who was into violent crap! I would advise her through stuff, knowing we could say what we wanted to eachother, we'd fall out occasionally, maybe cos we knew what each other was saying was true and were afraid of saying it. As we got more and more chatty, we would flirt through messages, and then we even mentioned if we ever did meet that we would be close friends with benefits. Now i have never done this and i know before she got married she once went down that road, but it seemed the more it was mentioned the more she would say i was just after sex. This annoyed me and have come close to ending the friendship and then we just decided on just friends, we then started talking on the phone since Easter and for everyday since then have been talking none stop right until about the middle of June. In this time despite the odd disagreement or misundersatnding, this lass has helped me through my counciling and problems and she has been brilliant. The more we chatted the more we got used to eachother and cared for one another. She moved house in London and then was getting crap off her fella, In stead of focusing on me I would give her confidence, boost her esteem! We then met towards the end of may this year, I went thru to London and we met for the first time, despite having issues with myself, when i was there I felt genuinely happy for the first time in months maybe even years. We ate , we chatted, we walked and kissed, holding hands and each other. It was a day of dreams, a total day of perfection. But we both knew that with her situation and my personal problems, we couldn't really start anything and because of the 3 hour distance too. But we definitely wanted to see each other again, spend some more time together and have another magic day. The babe then kicked out her husband, not for me, but she felt strong enough to help herself and then in june the whole you just want me for sex thing started again, but the thing is we didn't do that. I was gonna end it with her again and then she would say I was a good person and basically helped me like she kept doing until now and then I asked about the just friends thing again and then she went off it, she said I had to decide whether I wanted her or not, and I said that i didn't know cos of all the crap i was trying to sort through from my counciling. She then said that despite that i would still know deep down whether or not i wanted her or not. I just didn't want to do something i wasn't sure of, I was confused and she just said that i let her in so far and that I push her away, she even thought I was playing games I was confused, she was even suggesting that I didn't want her and didn't want anyone else to have her either. She then asked what i would think if she got back with her husband and she did. I felt a little gutted and then I questioned why she had got back with him even though she stated she wanted me. She said that it felt right with me, but I still wasn't sure and then later she said she heard from the violent guy off the net who she was contemplating seeing. I couldn't believe it and argued the fact that it was screwed up that she was with her ex then wanting me and then this nutter!!! I couldn't believe it and she then said I was the problem, I don't know what she meant by this, she later then decided against this nutter and said she was pretty screwed up, but couldn't help but thinkshe might be missing out on a chance of happiness with him or her ex because thay were saying the right things, we would then argue more, it seemed like everytime we spoke we argued, her and her ex split in a week and our messages were getting less and we were talking less, her reason was because of the expense of phone bills, but then she told mewhen i was on a family holiday that she was giving it a go with this nutter. I was gutted, I errupted by sending and exchanging nasty texts with her and then i stopped it, no more contact with her. I felt lied to and betrayed and everything just thrown in my face. I felt like crap again. I was upset and hurt. When i got back home, she text to say she was sorry that i thought she lied to me and how she never meant to hurt me, and how she will always care for me etc. I didn't reply, but then there were the bombings in London, I got worried and called her, thank god her and her kids were ok, but she wanted to talk to me some more, but I couldn't. All i could think of like the past week was her being with him, him doing things that I now wished i was doing. She got a bit arsey with me, but I had to block it out of my mind, the following few days I felt alone, the people I helped didn't bother, I was truly alone and I missed her, I tried to take my life but for another unkinwn reason couldn't do it. Then on wednesay of last week i got back from the pub to a message from her on an instant message on the net, hoping i was ok, I got back to her and said i missed her, maybe even saying I loved her, she said I couldn't do this to her, and said how she had to stop loving me and then saying later she loved me. We chatted again on the phone, I appologised for the nasty texts and she said I hurt her, we hurt each other. But now she's happy, she says he says the right things. Just like I did i might add, but each time she mentioned him i would begin to torture myself, asking her about what he does for her, and if he's better than me. I get angry eachtime we chat, but it seems that everytime we have a laugh, she then reminds me of the things i've said, and the hurt i've done too. Keeps mentioning how "we have a friendship" and I can't tell her how I feel because of the situation I'm putting her in. Yeah, i told her i love her! But it don't mean a thing now. I ended the contact, i left her a voice mail saying I loved her and couldn't cope. She text and left a voice mail saying she's always there for me and how i'm a huge part of her life. But she has him and I can't be just friends, not now. I'm crying all the time, my friends say i don't love her, but I feel as though I do, Iknow its a long shot, but I really need some guidence here...

 

Thanks

Terrance

[melrich]

Hi Terrance,

 

It sounds like the two of you have been going through difficult times and have found each other to cling to. I won't comment on whether you are in love with her or not, only you can know that. But there seems to be an imbalance in the relationship. She is leaning on you when her life gets tough and cutting you out when things are OK for her.

 

In short, I think you are being used. I feel there are far less complicated relationships you could get into and I would advise you to put your energy into something else.

[Terrence]

Thank you so much for the reply melrich. You have said very much the same as what everyone else has been telling me, they say she's just playing me. It's her birthday in a few weeks and I said I would have to send her a card and then I said that she wouldn't need one from me as she has her new fella, she said that she wanted one from us both. Whats the point in that? It's him who's gonna be with her... After I got the voice mail from her on friday I logged online to see her on my buddy list and she had sent me an email with a song attached it was the new J-Lo song, it was always a song that she would play to me. She then sent me a message saying how I ignored her text from earlier that night, which said sorry for making you crap, I'll leave you alone and also the long voice mail she sent me and also the email she sent me with the song, in return I didn't chat to her, but sent her two poems I had wrote to her. The poems had a note attached to them saying how I couldn't bare to talk to her knowing she was with him and how it pained me. I didn't hear anything from her, until last night... I got an email. Basically it just said that she missed me and how she really missed the friendship, and how I was a big part of her life and how she feels there is a huge part of her missing, she says she misses how I made her laugh and how i was always there for her, knowing i that she could say whatever she wanted to me, said she misses everything about me, said she wanted to call me last night as she really misses my voice but deleted my number. Hoe she hoped i was ok and regretted the way we lost our friendship and said she was forever thinking of me and if i ever needed her, that i knew where she was. I don't know what to do, it's like you said melrich, I think she is using me, as selfish as it may sound, but all I read was her this and her that, I didn't reply to the email, I need to sort myself out, but it pains me with saddeness each time I think of her, i keep thinking I'm gonna go nuts or do something bad, just don't know who I am any more...

 

Terrence

[thegirl_00]

Seems to me she likes having you around for comfort. Just like melrich said, you might be getting used. Some people like the idea of keeping someone around to love them because they can use this as a back up plan. She had probably been leading the crazy dude on for a very long time too. Her ex husband and her kids have it the worst tho. She has been cheating on her husband, that would be embarasing for him and for the kids. Sound to me like that chic has some issues to take care of. It also sounds like she craves alot of attention, maybe because she's insecure. You both need to take care of personal problems. I feel for u bud, but look at all the guys shes playin. THey will probably get their hearts broken too. If you get a chance with her again you might be looking to get your heart broken again. Time will heal your heart and you will be a much stronger person when this is all over with. Good luck

[Terrence]

thegirl_20, thanks for you're reply. I think you're both right. Got another voice mail from her, wondering if I fancied a chat? Why would she bother me? I told her I can't take this. I know that if i spoke to her we would argue and I would feel like rubbish! As selfish as it may sound, but hasn't she got her new fella? Why would she still want me, she's also tried ringing me, I've seen her on line and can't stay on long enough, I know i could block her, but she'll only try another name. Am I being too harsh, just that I've had all of this before, and I can't put up with the pain, after all I'm only putting myself first for a change, protecting myself, but why do I still feel bad? I ache for her, feel sad, surely i shouldn't be like this, should I contact her? should I reply to her? She's already tried contacting me again since the voice mail. Should i give in, just seems she wants me when he's not around. I really can't let this take over me, like it's already starting to...

 

Terrence

[Terrence]

Hi People,

It's been just over two weeks since my last posting here and i still need help, more has happened with the girl in London. Right after her leaving a voice mail she sent me an email on the same day, basically saying that I was punishing her for something that wasn't her fault. The thing is, I didn't even do anything to contact her, I didn't say a word. She also said for me to not treat her like a mug and to have a nice life. I didn't reply or contact her as I didn't think it would do me any favours, then almost over a week later, last thurday night to be precise, she send me an instant message asking me how i was, I ignored it, then she sent a sarcastic one pretending to be me, I ignored it again and then she sent another saying just tell her to p**s off. I ignored it. Then an hour later she sent me a message stating that she was really missing me and had been crying and how there was a huge part missing from her life and inside of her and how she missed my voice. I replied, and asked why she wanted me when she had this other fella. She eventually talked me round to letting her call me. We chatted and she cried, I cried. We sent each other photos via email, and i complemented her, something she said she could get used to. Simply cos her new fella don't do the same, just in "his own way". I also told her I loved her and wanted her and she said "I was too good for her". Anyway we got talking and she was saying how she missed how we used to flirt over the phone and asked if I thought of her in that way as she admitted she did of me, so when I played up to her flirtation she backed off as she said it was wrong. It felt like she was teasing me, but she said she was teasing herself??? She was asking us to just be friends, but I found it was impossible but said I would give it a go. I said it was weird how she said how she missed my voice and said she couldn't stop thinking about me and that she still fantasized about me. I said it was weird of her to think of a friend like that, if thats how she saw me. And as far as the crying over and the voice missing, she said she's like that with all her friends, but i didn't believe her, surely there is more to this than she's letting on. I said that if thats how she's feeling, then she must see me more than a friend....

 

I'm confused, will someone out there shed a light please...

 

Terrence