Getting over your lover

[westwind61]

I posted this topic before but it got deleted due to my usage of what was probably construed as profanity. (Sorry mods!)

 

Those of you who were in affairs and had deep emotional connections with your lover, how did you get over him or her?

 

I went back and things are great in my marriage and family. BUT, I am having a terrible time getting over the loss of the other woman.

 

How did you do it? Please help.

[KMSHoney2005]

im only 18 and my biggest fear is becoming a spinster and dieing alone because i unfortunately cannot get over it. i would also like to know a technique, if there is such a thing.

[Shinobie]

im only 18 and my biggest fear is becoming a spinster and dieing alone because i unfortunately cannot get over it. i would also like to know a technique, if there is such a thing.

 

 

Dont worry your a girl i personally believe girls can find a bf a lot easier then guys can find a gf.Ive seen 10/1 of old people being guys being alone.The only real women i ever see being alone are the ones that just had their husbands die.

[saltwatergirl]

I'm sorry but, am I the only one who finds this post incredibly offensive?? You've been given the PRIVELEGE of returning to your wife and family, after you cheated and lied and caused so much pain and devastation, and now you want help on how to GET OVER THE OTHER WOMAN?? This may be the most childish, arrogant, egotistical posts I've read. Amazing. Utterly amazing.

 

My advice for you is to get down on your knees every day and thank God you were able to return to your family and your wife after all of your lying and betrayal. And hope to God she never returns the favor and then leaves your .

 

Some people don't even have famileies, you've had not one but TWO shots to keep YOURS. What the he1l is wrong with you?

 

Salt

[Lily96797]

Westwind,

 

You're back with your wife and family.

 

There must have been a reason that caused you to be with that other woman.

 

Is the reason still there or has it been fixed?

 

If the reason is still there maybe that's the why it's so hard to get over the other woman.

 

My problem hasn't been fixed and I so want to reach out to the other person right now - just to hear his voice say that it's going to be okay. I know can't start it back up or the real reason will never get fixed.

 

I wish you well!

[westwind61]

It's a long story but not uncommon. I was married 20 years. My wife lost virtually all interest in me and in sex to the point where we had it once every other month. In 2000 I asked her for counseling and she did not want to go. I sought personal counseling (for about three months) and took out of that that I needed to improve myself. So I tried to be a better husband and father. I am sorry to say that her lack of physical interest in me was really really hard on me. I should have been more positive as to the good qualities of our relationship. (We worked hard together) She was a hard working mom and church goer and had many wonderful qualities. But she was NOT attracted to me and it was easy to see.

 

In 2003, I started on an anti-depressant, asked for marital counseling again and literally pleaded with my wife for changes. At that point she said she knew that she was not affectionate and literally said "I was pressured into marrying you and have held it against you all these years." That was hard to take.

 

So I drifted into an affair, which was wrong. I freely admit my mistake in that you should end a marriage first and not step out like that. Naturally, in affairs, there are intense emotional attachments and I fell hard.

 

When the affair was uncovered, my wife underwent a massive paradigm shift. She became very affectionate, sexual, cheeful and positive. We separated as a result of the affair and she desperately wanted to save the marriage. This was a situation when she received the proverbial torpedo at the side of the bow: she realized she had to change. I have been remorseful for the affair. She has been remorseful for what she says was a lot of selfishness in herself. I went back because I had, in fact, invested so much time into the marriage and I come from a background where you "stick it out." I also admit I went back "because of the kids."

 

We are in marital counseling and things are going great. But like I said, I fell hard for the other woman and letting her go has been extremely difficult.

 

So yes, saltwatergirl, I am no better than the other deceitful partners who go out and cheat. I have paid a big price. I was excommunicated by my church. Virtually everyone in my community know what I did. My reputation has been lost. My kids know and will carry the fact that their father cheated on their mother. I hurt my wife tremendously. All of which causes pain to them and to me that you can't imagine what it's like unless you go through it.

 

But I fell in love, an so I am struggling leaving "HER" behind. That's why I was looking for help from others who may have gone through what I am going through.

[Lily96797]

Westwind....

 

I am so sorry for all the pain that you and your family are going through.

 

Time is what you need to heal and in time you will heal.

 

Memories take a long time to fade....a scent, a song can bring them back to you in an instant but as time goes on the intensity of the memory will lessen.

 

Thank you also for responding to my thread.....you were instrumental in getting me to recognize that I had to stop before I truly crossed over the line.

 

Mahalo!

[westwind61]

You know, and to answer my question, I am working on:

 

1. Reconnecting with my wife. We go away for the weekend once a month and we talk every night. We took personality tests and understand each other better now.

 

2. Filling my life up with positives. Having more fun. I joined a rock band and am playing in that.

 

3. Exercising my bum off. (Is that ok mods?) Get the endorphines to kick in and try and physically feel better.

 

I was just interested in what others did and was looking for their stories.

[Lily96797]

I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are reconnecting with one another.

 

The both of you are to be commended for trying so hard rather than just tossing it all away.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone....walk with your head held high with the knowledge that you are making every effort to correct and recover from your mistake.

 

I am also sorry about the whole church thing -- it makes me mad that they turned their back on you at a time when you really could have used them the most. I guess they don't need your donation right now.

 

Take Care!

[Mun]

Have you tried discussing this with your counselor ( without your wife present) ? He/She might have some tool you can use to help you move away from that person emotionally.

 

I don't know if you've done this already, but it's very important to let your wife take on the role of best friend that you (maybe) gave your lover when you were with her.

[onehotmess09]

i was with my guy for about 3 years. and lived with him for 2. hes a very controlling guy and ive had my share of mistakes, but were just very different people. and we needed to move on.

i want to to talk to him soooo bad, cuz i dont want to move on but need to. i felt so comfortable and love the feeling of someone being there ALWAYS. and i felt secure.

and of course...we had all the same friends...who are now his friends..not mine =(

its been a week. and i still cant eat and if i do i just get sick.

all i wanna do is sleep, cuz the only time i dont think of him is when im sleeping....ive tried staying supper busy...it doesnt help.

i feel like it only gets worse....

and suggestions?