Girlfriend's friends

[anotherperson]

Right I would really like to get some advice on this one, because for the last few nights I've hardly had any sleep with worry. Myself and my girlfriend are going a year and a few months and love eachother very much. At the moment we see eachother for a few hours in the evenings after work/college. We are both in our early to mid 20s. This is my first serious relationship and her 2nd. Her last relationship lasted 4.5 years, but after 2 years started to be troublesome. Her ex dumped her, she begged to get back with him, and they did, but things just didn't seem right after that. At that time she started college (while he didn't) and she started going out a lot more with her friends at the time without him. She never cheated on him or anything, but enjoyed the attention she got from other guys while with her friends. I should also add that all her female friends are slightly older than her and have never once been in a relationship, other than one night stands. Then she broke it off with her ex and we started going out almost immediately after. We had already a very good relationship and loved eachother very much having known eachother for months while she was still going out with her ex. I nor she, never made a move during that time, because we both hold fidelity highly.

 

Anyway myself and my girlfriend started spending more and more time together, and would go out with her friends together. Her friends after a while started to get annoyed that she wasn't available to go out with them alone, and were jealous of the fact that she was in love and had a boyfriend (according to her mother). Her closest friend apparently liked me too, but only made this clear after my girlfriend had told me that she liked me. All of her single friends started to drift away from her, and became quite nasty towards her. Only one friend of her's at the time (who has been in relationships before) thought her other friends were being unreasonable and sympathised with both of us. Anytime we would all go out together she never had a problem and enjoyed my company also.

 

So anyway all the single friends completely disappeared off the scene and my girlfriend and I have spent practically the whole summer together and have had a great time. We even went on holliday, and it was brilliant. Her closest friend from before (one of the singles) went overseas for the summer months and sent emails to my girlfriend regularly. These emails have kinda persuaded my girlfriend to maintain contact with this girl when she arrives back home in a months time. All the emails are usually of how she is meeting "hot guys" all the time, but funnily enough never mentions any signs of true romance. I was friends with this girl before myself and my girlfriend started going out. However at this stage my girlfriend has asked her to add my email address to her list of contacts so I can hear all about her escapades first hand also. She has never once sent me an email in the months that she has been away. Also my girlfriend decided to bring up the whole issue with this girl via email and asked her to please be her friend although she couldn't be friends with the others. This girl completely ignored that email and has never brought it up since. I would imagine this is because she is still very good friends with the other single girls and doesn't want to come between them.

 

So the reason I'm writing (at last) and worrying is that this girl is arriving back in a months time. I'm afraid she will try and pull my girlfriend away from me like she did before by showing her the highs of single life. My girlfriend much prefers to be in my company, says this all the time and I believe her. Yet her single friends constantly try and bainwash her in to thinking their way of life is better for her. They absolutely won't respect us as a couple, and treat me as the guy who took her away from them. They are always civil to my face, but I'm sure have a great time talking about me behind my back. Although I couldn't care less as long as my girlfriend sticks by my side.

 

I told my girlfriend that this was bothering me recently and she said that I have nothing to worry about. She said that she's not sure whether this girl will try and pull her away from me when she gets back, but if she does, she will tell her that she has to respect us as a couple or else she can't be her friend. Now although my girlfriend says this now, I'm terrified when the other girl arrives back my girlfriend will be overwhelmed with joy because she hasn't seen her in months and bow down to her every request. I do expect there will be some sort of "talk". But I'm afraid that her friend will brainwash her in to some sort "way of life" under the guise of a "compromise". I understand that she needs to spend time alone with her friends, but it bothers me that her friends would rather her be single than in a loving relationship, always trying to tempt her by showing her how much fun they are having.

 

My only grace sometimes is my girlfriends mother, who says "are they really having fun?, or are they just trying to drag you down to their level because they've failed to get where you have by yourself".

 

What should my girlfriend do?, because unfortunately most of her friends who she hasn't seen in months are of the single variety that have little respect for us as a couple. I've surprised my girlfriend with flowers and the likes on occasion in the past and her friends just couldn't contain their jealousy.

 

My question because this is my first serious relationship. Do all girls want good things for their female friends?, or are female friends people who you use so you don't look silly on your own "on the hunt" in a club?. The latter is all I see her friends as, and that definition is the words my girlfriend used to describe them at one stage.

[birdgirl]

It's natural to worry, but I think you should try believe your girlfriend if she says she won't go with them.

 

And if she does choose the single life over you... then the timing is bad, or she's the wrong girl for you. I know it's hard to think that way, but what choice do you have?

 

And if you try to hold onto her tightly to keep her from leaving, she may end up feeling smothered and pull away when she otherwise wouldn't have. She has to make the decision to be with you over the single life on her own.

 

Try not to show her too much insecurity, as insecurity is normally a turnoff (it's human nature).

 

Basically, relax, pray (or cross your fingers) and wait and see what happens. Don't badmouth her friends, don't hassle her (not that I'm saying you will, but a lot of people would).

 

And as hard as it is, she does need the freedom to go out with these girls if she gets the opportunity, if she wants to. You trust her, and giving her the freedom to choose will make you the better option.

 

Good luck, and try to relax. It's not easy, but... you'll thank yourself later on.

[anotherperson]

Thank you very much for the reply. I was getting kinda worried there for a while

 

Try not to show her too much insecurity, as insecurity is normally a turnoff (it's human nature).

I agree. However it's quite difficult. You see in my girlfriends last relationship she suspected her boyfriend was cheating on her and because she couldn't bring herself to breaking it off with him she instead just started enjoying herself alone with her single female friends out in clubs and away on weekend breaks, etc. She says she never once cheated on him (I believe her), but admits being hit on, many many occasions. To the extent where the guy leaned in and kissed her on the neck, and she smacked him away and got very upset. This all happened before she was 20, and now she's 21. It turned out in the end her boyfriend did cheat on her.

 

She is better looking than all her friends, and I think they depend on her somewhat to attract guys to their group (this is what her mother thinks). My girlfriend hasn't really had many female friends that were in relationships so to an extent she doesn't know what it's like for couples to spend an evening together. Before I even met my girlfriend my male friends would bring their girlfriends out and I would enjoy everybody's company. This is while I was single. It didn't bother me if their partner was there. Actually I enjoyed the fact we had a larger group of people in one place. I respect the relationships my friends are involved in. But because my girlfriend's friends can't commit to a relationship then I don't think they have the right to try and destroy ours.

 

Ultimately I think her friends want her to be like them. Some of them are real feminists and deep down see men as play things. I am completely equal rights accross the board.

 

The first time I noticed something was up with her friends we were all out. While in a club I spotted a table that would better accommodate our expanding group. I left the group to acquire the table. My girlfriend got up after me to follow. From the other side of the club I saw and heard her friend tell my gf to "leave him over there by himself, sit down and enjoy yourself". My girlfriend just laughed and said "I can't do that", and followed me over. Then they followed too.

 

But that kind of behaviour really annoyed me. The girl who did that is the girl who is coming back in a month. I hope travelling has changed her, but from what she's written in emails, I'm not getting my hopes up.

[birdgirl]

Well, it's much more fun when you're single to have all your friends be single, too.... Do you have friends you can go out with, too? So at least you're not sitting home by yourself?

 

It sucks that they treat you that way... Obviously if they were real friends, they'd want to see her happy.

 

I don't understand the idea that they'd want her around to attract guys... wait, no, I do. Because when guys come over, they find that she's taken, and they then turn to her friends...

 

How often does she go out with them? If it's several times a week, I could see how it would make you nuts.