Need help, trying to be a better man.

[Hope75]

Hey that's OK, we are here to listen when you need to vent.

 

I just want to die, I hope I get into a car accident on the way home. I can't bear this pain any longer, I keep praying ever night for God to help me, but it never gets easier.

 

That won't solve anything will it? You still deserve to be happy you know. You just have to learn to relate to women without violence. You are taking the right steps, and if you can change your habits, you will do just fine.

 

Don't you want a chance to change and learn to treat woman kindly, and then have a rewarding, healthy relationship? It really is it's own rewards.

 

And breakups hurt. It takes time to get over someone, no matter what the circumstances are. Give yourself some time, sometimes it takes a long time.

 

It's important that you keep taking care of yourself and trying. Be patient, you will get your chance.

[sorryJason]

Well today, I sent the last email to my ex, possibly the last contact I will ever have with her. I did something stupid last night(again) I woke up (2:00am)from the middle of a dream about her and tried to phone her, I know, I know, stupid! She picked up, and all I wanted to say was sorry and how much I missed her and that I love her, but I couldn't speak! I just heard her say hello, and my heart hurt so bad! I hung up. Then this morning I phoned her at work to tell her that I was the one that phoned her last night and that I was sorry if I scared her, then she starts telling me about some email she is going to send and I tell her no I don't want an email. She says that me getting support from her mother is unfair to her and that me and her mother are driving her crazy!

 

Well I get upset and start talking about legal stuff, that I will leave if she settles the legal issues around our breakup, what a moron I am!

 

So then I calmed down a little later in the day, after talking to her mother and I write her the last email ever. In it I tell her how much I love(d) her, that I am trying to understand her situation and about why it is so hard for me to let go. Then I tell her that I will never contact her ever again.

 

It was a hard email to write, I had 12 emails on my computer that I was going to send to her, but never did because I was trying to leave her alone, like she asked.

 

Do the breaker uppers not understand how hard it is for the breakees? She says I was stalking her, but I only emailed her 2-3 times and saw her once in the last 2 weeks, after 6 years of being together it is like she is part of me, and I am trying to let go, but it is not easy. I am even dreading going grocery shopping tomorrow, because we would ALWAYS do that together. I just wish there was a pill that could make this better, I know it eventually get better, it just hurts so much right now.

[Hope75]

I know that you are hurting right now, but you need to respect her wishes and leave her alone. She's asked you to leave her be, and it will be hard, but it's the right thing to do.

 

I'm sure on some level she is sorry that your relationship is over, and she will miss you and the times you shared, but that does not mean she wants to get back together, or that she feels she made the wrong choice.

 

You have a right to grieve, but do that in peace and try to leave her be.

[sorryJason]

I am sorry, if I sound upset, but I know the things you are telling me already!

 

If you have read my past posts you know that I am trying to help her in anyway possible! I hope that this is not me ex giving me advice!

I am trying to repect her wishes, and I think I am doing pretty good considering we had 6 years together and she was the only woman I ever made love to!

 

I don't mean to sound hostile, but I don't think she is sorry that the relationship is over, and I really don't blame her, I hurt her, and she is happier now, I just keep thinking about what it could have been like, I remember the "real me" the guy I always liked being, not this abusive piece of crap that she sees. I am not thinking she wants to get back together, part of me knows that maybe she would be better off without me, and part of me thinks that I could change back to the good man for her and still make her happy. I am not saying she made the wrong choice, but I don't think you understand how much our lives were bonded, I guess I should have dated a bunch a women when I was younger, because now I don't think I could ever risk going through all this pain again.

 

I am trying to leave her alone, but I have only ever really dated one girl before this one and my ex was the first girl I ever slept with, lived with, really loved, and was going to marry, and I am 28 years old! I wish I could have become more jaded like everyone else in the world, I think dating a whole bunch of people makes you think that you can just use people and throw them out if they don't completely match you in every way.

 

Maybe we should go back to the old fashion way, were you had to really chose each person you were going to court and then date, and then marry and the sleep with.

 

I am sorry, about this post, I am just in a lot of pain right now and needed to vent after writing my best friend for the last time ever.

[Hope75]

I am sorry, if I sound upset, but I know the things you are telling me already!

 

If you have read my past posts you know that I am trying to help her in anyway possible! I hope that this is not me ex giving me advice!

I am trying to repect her wishes, and I think I am doing pretty good considering we had 6 years together and she was the only woman I ever made love to!

 

 

I can see that you are in alot of pain, and for that I am sorry. It's a tough thing to go through, believe me I have been there.

 

I'm sorry if you don't like hearing what I have to say, or if you know it already. You came here looking for advice and I am trying to help you out. No one put you in this position but you. By all rights I should be tearing you up, having been on the other side of the fence in an abusive relationship.

 

You say you are trying to help her in any way possible. It does not sound like she wants your help. It seems that the best way you can help her is to leave her alone.

 

I doubt that after 6 years together she will miss nothing and not remember anything good about the relationship, but either way, it's over and that is something you both have to deal with.

[sorryJason]

I should be very thankful, because you are the only one who is repsonding to my posts anymore. For that I am very thankful. I guess the real reason I am so upset, is because I don't go into relationships very easily, I am choosy who I date, and my heart is very tender, I get hurt easily. The thing that makes me the most upset is that all of this is my fault! If I would have just kept going to conselling the last time we broke up this would have never happened!

 

The only way I am trying to help her know is to stay out of her life, forever, as I have written before, I sent her the last email ever and I am determined not to contact her in any way, as with her parents I am not going to be contacting them anymore, (even though they are my only real support through all this) after tonight.

 

For me it is hard to believe it is over, because I was trying so hard at the end, and in my mind that tells me to never try that hard again to please a woman. I know this is not true, but that is just what it feels like.

 

I think for her though, she is does not remember the good times we had, and for that I cannot blame her, because at the end of our relationship, things were not going to well. As for me, I am the one who made all those things happpen, and all I remember is everything good she did for me. Oh yeah, I went grocery shopping today, man that was hard, I broke down crying at one point and a lady came up to me and asked what was wrong, I didn't know what to say so I told her, my wife left me and we used to shop together all the time, that was hard in itself. But she said it would be ok. Geeze I never thought that would have happened today! I was so embarrassed.!

 

Again thank you for repsonding to my posts and I will try to be more respectful of your feelings in the future.

[melrich]

Hi Jason,

 

It is good you are accepting responsibility for becoming violent with your ex. Part of that responsibility involves also accepting theconsequences and I guess that is what you are faced with right now.

 

What you have decided now is the right thing to do. Get out of her life and that includes cutting contact with her mother and family. You are in for a tough year ahead I am sure but you have to keep focussed on the end game. Things will improve, you will love again but most importantly you have to commit yourself to learning from the mistakes you have made.

[Hope75]

Jason,

 

Melrich brings up a very good point-- part of accepting responsibility for your actions is accepting the consequences of those actions as well, and in this case that means losing your gf.

 

You are going to get through this, keep up with your counseling and your anger management and try to forgive yourself so that you can move forward and learn to live without violence.

 

You should not be trying harder to control your anger and impulsive abusive behaviour for any girl, but for yourself so that you can stop the cycle of violence in your family and have a chance to have a healthy relationship and truly feel fulfilled.

 

You do deserve that too, and if you work it, it can be yours in time.

[sorryJason]

Again, thanks for replying to my posting.

 

You are both very nice for giving me such a big boost, that I really needed.

 

I went to my hypnotherapist today, and it really helped, this time I was in so deep, it was weird. I also learned today that I am a good person, and that one day I will make one luck woman very happy.

 

I have a lot of good to offer, thing that no one else has, I am a very special person, and once I deal with my problems, for myself, and love myself, I will have so much to give that one woman!

 

I am not like every other man, I am willing to do things for a woman that no other guy would do, at least I think so. One prime example(I hope you don't mind me posting this, but it makes me feel good that I am a good person). My ex had a very bad yeast infection and she was taking pills for it, and it wasn't working, well I wanted her to feel better, so I looked up on the internet, home remedies. And found out that you should keep the area dry and eat garlic, etc. So even though she was on her period I told her to lay down on the bed and take off her underwear and I setup a fan to blow on her area. I think most guys would be disgusted by this, NO? That is just the tip of the iceberg. See, I think I am very good man, I just have to fix the bad parts, and I know I can do that now!

 

Wish me luck with the rest of my therapies!

 

Thanks for being here for me!!

[sorryJason]

I had a terrible night last night, even after my hypnotherapy and consellor.

I dreamt about her all last night. I can't take this anymore!! I can't go shopping, I went to the IMAX last night, everywhere I go, there she is!! I can't stand this, I just want my memory erased already!!! She is everywhere! I guess my memory is better than I thought.

 

Please God, help me forget her. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to live my life.

[Hope75]

Jason,

 

this is going to take time. It's going to be raw for awhile. You've spent the last six years of your life with this woman, of course it is going to be a big adjustment to get used to a life without her and learn how to be on your own.

 

Try to have some patience and understand that it's going to be tough for awhile. Are you working out? I know it seems everybody asks this, but believe me it helps take your mind of things for awhile and makes your body feel good. When I went through my most recent breakup I hit the treadmill with weights, and I lost 18lbs. It really helps.

 

It's important to try and keep yourself as busy as possible. The less time you have on your hands, the less time you have to dwell on this. Have you considered taking a night class? Something fun that has always interested you such as cooking, or photography, writing, finance, dancing? It's a great way to meet new friends and is a boost to your self esteem. It also fills up your evenings. School was a wonderful distractor for me as well.

 

Hang in there, and try to be patient. If nothing else, breakups teach us patience, because as dumpees we really have no choice.

[sorryJason]

Thanks for replying Hope, you name really does give me hope. I am going to the gym and that is helping a lot. I think maybe not talking to her mother is helping too, because then I don't hear things that might upset me.

 

One thing that I am worried about is the legal issue, I don't know what to do, on one hand, I don't want to make an enemy out of her, (because I have made it my lifes motto to have no enemies on this earth) and on the other hand I don't want to get screwed in the end.

 

I want to be fair to both of us, I really wish I could deal with this later, when we she is not so angry with me, but I know somethings are time sensitive. I know she is normally a good person, but I have a feeling that her friends are influencing the things she is thinking, so I don't know if I can trust her to live up to the verbal contract we made, regarding things.

 

I know you are going to say that I should not worry about her, and but I am just that sort of person. Especially now that I have done those things to her, I want to make up for it, by not making it finacially hard for her.

 

Please give me some advice, and I am not using this to get back with her, so please don't tell me that. Thanks for all your help!!!

[Hope75]

Hi Jason,

 

What legal issues are you talking about, your house? Who's name is it in, and do you have any other shared property?

 

( need a lil more info before I can give you any suggestions! )

 

How are you doing today?

[sorryJason]

Hi, thanks for replying

 

The legal issues have to do with the money my parents gave for a down payment, they are not worried about it right now, but I sometimes I worry, also my ex said she would by the deep freeze my parents gave us, again my parents are not worried about that money. I have put a lot of work into the house, although sometimes I guess I didn't pay my fair way, I guess. I did pay for some stuff though and I did leave her a lot of my stuff, in the way of dishes, etc, I was going to leave more, but some people are making me crazy with worry about this situation. I hate dealing with lawyers and people in law, because they don't care about peoples feelings, they just look at it from the legal perspective.

 

I don't want her to lose the house and her car, and everything she has worked so hard for, things that I helped her achieve. She would probably have to move back with her parents, and sell her car, if I started this legal stuff, as her parents couldn't afford to get a lawyer. I wanted to leave this issue until we could at least talk face to face about it, but there are time sensitve things, eg, if I leave things in her house too long they become hers. The house is in her name, there is a lot of stuff that is shared property, I just recently bought her a beautiful dresser, and lawn chairs. I don't want them, I bought them for her, but maybe one day I will feel differently about those things. I am so frustrated about all this. I guess I deserve this and worse though! Dealing with all this legal stuff and everything else is killing me! I have finally got my smoking down to about 2-5 cigarrettes a day, pretty good considering I have smoked 4 packs in the last 2 weeks, which is a lot for me. I used to smoke 1 about every second or third day!

 

I have quit buying lottery, and doing other things I don't feel right discussing on this forum, I have gotten rid of all the vices, addictions that were plaguing my life before, but I now I am coughing all the time, and I am trying to quit smoking, my therapist tells me that I am trying to punish myself for doing those things to my ex. Maybe she is right, I feel so bad. Sorry!

 

So, if you can please help me, I know my ex is a really good person! Just sometimes what I hear from her mother, or things that I read on other websites, about how some women screw men over with this legal stuff, I get worried! I don't want to get screwed, but I don't want to ruin her life any more than I already have, please help me God!

 

Maybe I will pray on it tonite, and tomorrow at church and God will give me an answer.

[Hope75]

HI Jason,

 

Well, there are a few things you can do. Since your ex is reluctant to talk to you about it, you can make a list of the things you would like returned, and send her a registered letter asking her to get in touch with you about them. Tell her in the letter that you would prefer to keep it out of the courts if possible, and work it out between the two of you. Ask her if what you've listed seems reasonable to her, and ask her to call you to talk about it. She can always set the things by the door and have you pick them up when she is not home, if she prefers, and let her know this.

 

Ask her to respond within two weeks, and then if she does not, you can try to call her once, leave a message. If you get nothing back, bring a copy of the list to your lawyer.

 

As for the money, put that on the list as well, itemized so she can see exactly what you are asking for, and tell her that you would be glad to accept reasonable payments as she can afford (if this is OK with you) but that you are expected to pay back your parents, and so you need the money. Tell her in the letter if she has any questions or think the amounts are unfair, that you would be glad to discuss it with her.

 

Make sure you send the letter registered, so she has to sign for it and you know that she got it, since if it does go to court, she could always say she never got a letter. Keep a copy for your records, and keep the dated receipt the post office gives you when you mail it.

 

Hopefully you two can work it out without involving the court system, but you will have to see.

 

What do you think?

[sorryJason]

I guess that sounds ok, but I think I might just leave it for a while longer, it should be ok to do that, I will research it more, and maybe that will give her time to heal so we can figure this stuff out.

 

As I said before, I really don't want to make her upset, I don't want any enemies in my life, and I think it would kill me if I couldn't even be her friend one day, I know that day may never come, but a person can hope can't he? I am doing better and I hope she is too, but I worry that me doing this would just prove to her that I am the terrible person she thinks I am. I really don't want to do this, but I am scared!

 

Oh yeah, I have an update that you might want to hear, my consellor told me that I should be able to talk to her mother, so I have been, but I have tried to stay away from her parents house, but I sent her mother a pic of my ex, and something she sent to me, only a couple of weeks before we broke up, a big long thing about us trying to fix our relationship, maybe I will post it here, I was just trying to vent to someone, to cry a bit about my ex. So her mother was sick that day and didn't receive it until the next day at work, she sent it to my ex, which I didn't want her to, and my ex went ballistic. I told her mother that I was very upset that she would send that to my ex, and she said she was sorry, and it wouldn't happen again. So then my ex also told her mother that she thought I was driving by her house, which I was not, and I have proof, I was out jogging, but my car was at home, but my ex is soo sure it was me, like there are no other cars with roof racks in this city!!!

 

So then she tells her mother that she was out walking at 9:45 around her house! She shouldn't be doing this, it is not very safe! By herself, at night, I am really worried about her now, I worry that if something happened to her, I would die. I know this sound weird, me being an abuser, but if you really knew me, you would know that my abuse and violence is not a normal part of me, it is a diseased part of me. I know I shouldn't worry about her, I know I shouldn't let her mother tell me about her, so don't give advice about that please. I just needed to vent to tell someone, thanks!

[sorryJason]

I am bored at work, so I thought I would update this yet again, I know I do this too much, I am getting addicted to it, but at least it is helping me no do my other addictions! (kidding, I am working on those though!) Anyways, I just wanted to inform you the today was going a bit better, even though I have been worried about the legal thing.

 

I went kayaking today, which was hard because we always did that together, then I went for a jog around the park, which she always did by herself, now I wish I would have went with her, the park is so beautiful now, especially after they fixed a lot of it up! I think I stayed out too long though, I got a sunburn, not too bad, but it kinda stings. I wish I had that aloe vera from her house. I guess I'll go buy some, or does someone else know a good cure for mild sunburn? So I had some fun today, but my other best friend is gone this weekend, and I am kind of lonely, I wish I had someone to go to church with, except my sister, I can't talk to her about this, because she just can't understand me at all. She never had it as hard as I did with the abuse, and She partied a lot and has been with a lot of guys. Maybe that is my problem, I need to date a whole bunch of women and become jaded like one of my friends.

 

I just learn of something fun, my friend from college is coming to the city this week, and he is fun, and someone to go out with, plus he is a babe magnet! Not that I am going to jump into bed with anyone or anything, I know I need time, not a body in the bed to help me through this. But it should be fun anyways. Al is always alot of fun, he makes me forget about my worries.

 

I am making some new friends at work, which is good. I hope that one day I can get some of them out to the bar with me. Well I think that is it for now, Sorry about the rant, but I just had to get it out, thanks for listening!

[Hope75]

Hi Jason,

 

Let me ask you something. I know your therapist said she thought it was OK to talk to your exes' mother, but why do you?

 

Why do you think that is OK, and why do you feel the need to? Personally, if it were me, I would not be talking to my exes' mother, because that is her mother, and as your ex has asked to be left alone by you, if must feel very violating for her to hear that not only are you talking to her mother, but that you are sharing intimate details of your relationship with her with her mother. You are putting her mother in the middle, whether you mean to or not, and if any side should be picked by the mother, it should be with her daughter, and you should not really be talking to her, if you ask me.

 

Why would you do that? Don't you think it's stepping over the line? Is it really necessary? Do you think you could stop, out of consideration for your ex? I don't understand why you feel you need to maintain a relationship with the exes' mother. It seems out of your territory, and as if you should stop it.

 

I would stop, if I were you. How I would feel if I were her is, my mother is my mother, and I wouldn't like it much if my ex was keeping a relationship of any kind with her, and wouldn't see why is was needed, or wanted, or what my ex would be getting out of it. I would feel it was unfair and want my ex to leave myself and my family alone.

 

Just some food for thought. What do YOU think?

[sorryJason]

I shouldn't talk to her mother, and I am slowly weaning myself away from her family, but it is not easy, my mother never hugged me, and her mother hugged me all the time. She has really been the only support for me through this, my sister isn't here for me, my friends don't understand, or are depressed themselves, so I really had no one to turn to. I know it is wrong, but like I said I am weaning myself away from her family.

 

I don't know what kind of support system you have in place, but I have none except for her. I also tell her mother not to talk to my ex about me, and she has told me she isn't, I hope this is true! When I confess things to her mother, I don't think they are that intimate, maybe I am wrong, by intimate, what do you mean?

 

The whole reason I am trying to wean myself away from her family is for my ex. If it was just for me, I would go over there everyday, just being around them makes me feel happier, they joke with me, her dad has forgiven me, and they are nice to me.

 

My mother is on her side, she is very angry with me, as is my sister, they try to hide it behind their words, but I can tell they are mad at me, that is just another reason I can't talk to them. I don't think I could even tell my dad, believe or not, the person that abused me my whole life would probably beat me if told him what I did to my ex.

 

I do understand her and your point of view, that is why I am weaning myself away from her family(sorry for the repitition, just making my point), but try to see my point, I really have no family, not one that understands me and my point of view anyways. Her mother was the only one I could turn to at the time, and I am sorry that I need her, but she has helped me, I have asked her not to talk to her daughter about me, and for the most part I think she is doing that. I really care about her, and her mother has health, physical and mental I think, so I can relate to her better than my totally dyfunctional family who refuse to think that there is a problem. I tell her mother to support her, and take care of her, but sometimes it is hard, I told her to go see her at the theatre production my ex was in, but she said she wouldn't go without me, and I knew my ex didn't want me to go, so I told her mother I would pay for her ticket if she would just go and support her daughter, but she said she didn't have anyone to go with so she wouldn't go.

 

I think my problem is that I still want to take care of my ex, even if I can't be with her, I know it is a big problem especially trying to help her with things and not contact her, or see her. I feel torn, because I helped her some much in her life(even though I abused her)I helped her with finances, I helped her be safe on the road, I help her learn how to grocery shop, I even helped her be more independent, and it is hard not to be there for her now, when things are the toughest for her. I know what you will say, the best thing I can do for her right now is leave her alone, but after I learned about her walking that night, when she thought she saw me, I was worried about her safety. I wish I could prove to her that it wasn't me that night, it is important to me that she feel safe, not that I am stalking her, because I am not.

 

Sorry for the long post, I know what I have to do, so I will. Maybe I should have disappeared myself, then she wouldn't have to deal with anything with me ever again.

[Hope75]

Hi Jason,

 

I understand being close to her family, I was VERY close to my exes' mother when we split up, and it was almost as hard to lose her as it was to lose my ex.

 

However, now is the time you need to learn to find another support system. As much as you feel close to these people, and as much as they have been there for you, they are her family and it is incredibly unfair to her that you are still sharing your life with them and talking about your relationship with your ex with them.

 

By intimate details I mean any aspects of the relationship that were personal and shared between you and your ex, and not meant for others' eyes. THe letter she wrote you telling you how much she cared and wanted to work things out, that was for you and I for one would be shocked and horrified if my ex showed a very personal letter I wrote to him to my MOM.

 

I'm sorry that you cannot find support from your mom and sister right now, but that is not an excuse to be leaning on your exes' family. You shouldn't be "weaning" off them. The breakup is done, the relationship is done, so should your contact with her family be, no slowly letting go. You should explain to them that it isn't fair to your ex, and it also prohibits you from going forward with your life, and that you will find support elsewhere. You know it is the right thing to do, Jason, I don't think you need me telling you.

 

If you need more support than your counsellour provides, you should be seeking it from sources other than your exes' family.

 

Have you considered Al Anon? It is not just for victims of violence (which, by the way, you qualify b/c your dad abused you) but for the perpetrators as well. You can learn alot there and feel comfortable sharing what you are going through there. Most cities have local chapters, call your police dept and ask if they have a # you can call. I think you would find alot of support there.

 

The other thing is that you are not responsible to take care of your ex. I know you care about her welfare, and that as a couple you were used to taking that role, but she is an adult woman capable of making her own choices and if she wants to take a walk at night, that isn't your concern. You do need to respect her wishes and let her go on with her life. You need to be more concerned with taking care of yourself, than hanging onto her, and worrying what she is doing.

 

You wouldn't even know about this if you weren't talking to her mom, another reason you need to stop, it's a way of keeping tabs on your ex... not acceptable.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh, I just want to make sure the message is clear, it is not fair and not healthy for you or your ex for you to remain in her family's life.

 

What do you think?

[sorryJason]

I am sorry you feel the way you do, but I would like to ask you some questions,

 

How many people have you been broken up with? I think it gets easier the more people you break up with, that is why it is easy for my ex, and not for me, I am not jaded like everyone else. I actaully believe in soul mates, where as everyone else, (especially on this forum!)does not!

 

I don't think you understand how hard it really is for me, to try to tackle my abuse problems, and not have any type of support, people that haven't had problems in their life can't understand what it is like for people like me. I am being incredibly strong right now, I am not contacting my ex, like she did to me when we broke up last time, I am seeing her family less and less, I don't know if you can understand how hard that is for me. I had to move from living in house for the past 6 years of my life, to living in a room in a house, where I have no privacy, I have given everything up for my ex. You keep defending my ex like she did nothing wrong, sometimes I think you are my ex in disguise. I know I did wrong, but is it not wrong to set me up to fail? To not want to be with someone for 2 months and never tell them? I think most women have real problems with communication, they let things go until it is too late to fix them, that is why when a women complains about something she doesn't want a solution, she just wants it to fester until it explodes and is done with.

 

I am sorry if this post is upsetting, but you have really hurt me with your post, the fact that I have accepted full responsibilty and have done everything my ex has done, and got my self help, these things are not easy, I am trying my best and when you post things like that it makes me want to give up!

[Hope75]

Jason,

 

I don't want you to give up. I am not saying that your ex is blameless. We are dealing with you here, thought, and not her. She is not my concern and she did not ask for help. Placing blame isn't going to help you get better. Focusing on what YOU can do to help yourself is what we are trying to do.

 

I am sorry if things I said to you have hurt your feelings.

 

I have been through 3 major breakups, the last of which we have gotten back together. It does NOT get easier with each subsequent breakup, I can assure you of that. Each time was complete devestation for me, beyond words. I loved each of these men very much. It was NEVER easier the second time I lost a love, or the last.

 

I did believe for the longest time that I would be with my first, (the abusive) ex forever. I accepted a marriage proposal and a ring from him, we lived together for 5 years. I do know what it's like to have your life shattered and completely uprooted, and to be devestated beyond words. I was assualted by this man for 5 years and so I also know what it's like to have "problems" and to also be going through a breakup. Trust me, on the other side of the fence there is alot of healing and therapy that needs to take place as well.

 

While I am not you, and cannot know exactly how you feel, I can relate to alot of what you are going through

I had to move from living in house for the past 6 years of my life, to living in a room in a house, where I have no privacy, I have given everything up for my ex.

 

I shared an apt with my ex for 5 years, and when we split, I had to move as an adult back in with my parents and siblings, into a tiny room with no privacy too. It was humiliating and awful.

 

You keep defending my ex like she did nothing wrong, sometimes I think you are my ex in disguise. I know I did wrong, but is it not wrong to set me up to fail? To not want to be with someone for 2 months and never tell them? I think most women have real problems with communication, they let things go until it is too late to fix them, that is why when a women complains about something she doesn't want a solution, she just wants it to fester until it explodes and is done with.

 

Ok, obviously I am not your ex. As I said above I am not saying she had no faults or that nothing she did led to the breakdown of your relationship. I'm sure that neither of you were perfect. There isn't anything you can do about that now, though. The relationship is over and if you spend all your time looking backwards and laying blame, you can't go forwards and help yourself heal and move on. It isn't productive to dwell on who did what. Would you not agree?

 

You are trying very hard, and I do commend you for it. Don't forget that. I am simply trying to get accross that it isn't appropriate for you to be getting your support from your exes' family.

 

I mentioned Al Anon, have you looked into that?

[sorryJason]

I cannot tell you how sorry I am hope, I was just feeling bad this morning and didn't sleep well, as I had a sunburn. I know this is not an excuse for making a post like that, but I guess I can't undo what I have done, or can I? I think I will just leave it out there so that others can see it.

 

I am going to be looking into al-anon, but I thought it was just for people that had alcoholism problems? I have so much going on right now though, with my hypnotherapist, my 2 conselors, and soon I will be starting something called Alternatives to Violence, which I couldn't go into last time we broke up because the person running the group said I had to get over my depression first.

 

I really want to thank you for all the help you have been, especially for this last post, I know it was probably hard for you after that last post I posted, I am very sorry about that.

 

I don't think my ex is really to blame for anything, I was just upset that she would never tell me anything about herself, I guess she thought I couldn't hear her with all my problems. Maybe she was right. I want to take full blame, now because if I had been a Man before, and acted like one I could have fixed a lot of the problems in our relationship, I know I can't undo any of those things, but I affect the future. I heard this saying in a movie and it really helps for me to say it Things are getting better everyday!

 

One thing that worries me again, today, is that my ex is reading this, but again, I know that it doesn't really matter, because all I am doing is saying the truth. I can't control what she does or thinks, so I guess it really doesn't matter.

 

Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me, that is very nice or you. If I can ask, which you don't have to answer, why did you break up with you last ex? Are things going ok now? Does it get harder with each breakup? I want to assure you that I am not using this to get back with my ex. I know that will never happen.

[melrich]

Hi jason,

 

You should not be upset by Hope's post. She is simply telling you the advice you would get from most people. You really should not be talking to your exes Mom about what has happened in your relationship. It is very unfair on your ex regardless of what went on in your relationship.

 

You should work to find another support mechanism.

[Hope75]

If I can ask, which you don't have to answer, why did you break up with you last ex? Are things going ok now? Does it get harder with each breakup? I want to assure you that I am not using this to get back with my ex. I know that will never happen.

 

I don't mind you asking. My bf and I lived together for 2 years, and he broke up with me. It was alot like what you complained of with your ex, him bottling up alot of his frustrations with me and it ultimately exploding. We had some communication problems and I was controlling of our house, keeping it very clean and nagging him about picking everything up and basically not letting him live in our home. We had trouble expressing things to one another when we were upset, and they piled up.

 

We both loved each other very much, and we have worked very hard together over the last 8 months and eventually got through it together. It was a tough time and very trying for both of us, but we both decided we wanted to make it work. I learned to be more laid back and to accpt him as he is, slightly messy and very laid back, and he learned to accept me for who I am, not some perfect ideal relationship he thought existed.

 

We are doing great, and I just moved back in with him last weekend.

 

It was very hard with each breakup. I wouldn't say harder, or easier, but equally painful and difficult. I loved each of these men, (still do very much love my bf who was my ex for a short time). It never gets easier.

 

Don't apologisze to me Jason. You are entitled to say what you feel just as I am. We may not agree but that is OK too.

 

I think it's so important that you take care of you first, and not worry so much about your ex, she is on her own now. And you will need to find support in another form, rather than going to your exes' family.

 

I apologize for mentioning Al Anon, you are right, that oneis for victims of abuse or abusers who use/abuse alcohol or drugs as well. My bad.

 

Here is the number for the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, you can call them 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 24 hours a day. They may be able to help you based on your area find a support group, or talk with your therapist or anger management counselor about getting into a group so you can talk to peers who have been through it.

 

You can do this.