Need help, trying to be a better man.

[sorryJason]

I have posted here before, but have not been happy with my responses, I know that some of it is for my own good, but it still hurts, I am looking for support right now, please help me.

 

Just to let you all know, I know that my ex-fiance has used this site in the past, and I don't know if she is still using it, but oh well, here it goes...

 

I am an abusive person, when it comes to relationship, I could blame it on my abusive father, or other things, but I will not. I am a man, and I must take responsibility for my actions.

 

Problem: I had a fight with my fiance(sp?) in which I hit her, It ended up ending a six year relationship, that I did not want to end, I have trying to be good about it and do what she says according to the break, we were living in a house together and I am moving out on her request even though some people are telling me that I have legal rights which I should assert.

 

I just need help in dealing with this, does anyone know of any site where an abuser like me can get help? I am going to consouling, hypnotherapy for it, but I would like to have a site I can go to too. Thank you for any help. BTW if you want to know the whole(long) story, just search for my name as an author, sorry again for the long post.

[BellaDonna]

link removed

 

Try that website, they might have some resources to help.

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available for both victims and abusers: 1-800-799-7233

 

I am an abusive person, when it comes to relationship, I could blame it on my abusive father, or other things, but I will not. I am a man, and I must take responsibility for my actions.

 

This is a very important step for you. Realizing that you did something wrong, and trying to take active steps to correct it.

 

I think you need to confront all of the feelings you have about your father. You may also want to take a long hard look at your views toward women. Usually most men who will hit a woman not only have anger management issues, but also a feeling of superiority toward women. This may or may not be the case with you- but it is a trend in other men. Either way, to overcome this you may have to ask yourself some difficult questions and challenge your usual way of thinking. This a deep issue, and there are no quick fixes.

 

I think you should be commended for posting this here, as I'm sure it's not an easy thing to do because you are potentially opening yourself up to a lot of judgement.

 

-BellaDonna

[Hope75]

Have you considered counseling? I think that you have already approached the first step, and that is admitting you have a problem with violence, and accepting responsiblity for your actions. The next step is to get to the root of why you feel this way, and what you can do to constructively change that attitude and thus change your actions and reactions to conflict in your relationships, and within yourself.

 

As the previous poster mentioned, anger management is a skill you need to work on, and help from a professional could be a tremendous help to you.

 

At this point I think the goal you need to set is to get yourself on track, and not to win back your gf. She may never come back. The important thing is that you improve for you, and then later consider a relationship.

 

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can follow through on treatment and that you sincerely want to change.

 

My ex beat me severely for 5 years and very nearly killed me, and it's tough to be objective when talking to someone who is on the other side of the fence for me, but I know you need help in working on your problem just as much as I needed help understanding that I needed to get away, and deal with my problem of accepting such treatment.

 

Please keep us updated.

[sorryJason]

First of all thank for trying to understand my position, I don't want to be abusive, and now that I lost a 6 year relationship to it, one that I thougth was going to be my life, eg marriage, children, I truly realize that I must fix myself once and for all. Unfortunately,I live in Canada, but you have given me an idea about looking up phone numbers for abuse lines in Canada, I always thought they were only for the abusees not abusers.

 

I am actually going to hypnotherapy this week, my sister said it worked for her and she has problems with anger as well. I don't think I have a superiority problem with women, but maybe I do. I feel like I am never good enough for who I am with, that I have to be super successful, that I have to have lots of money and buy my love. And when I can't afford to do that I get anrgy with myself, then it ends up coming out on them, weird huh?

 

I am definitely changing the way I think, the day that my ex-fiancee told me that it was over, the anger died inside of me, it is funny but the little things that used to bother me, don't even make me the slightest bit angry now. I now go to Church, which I never did before and I know that it will take quite some time to fix this problem, I have made a year long contract with my consoulers to keep going until this is fixed.

 

Thank you for commending me, by all the other posts I read about abusers on this website, telling me that they never change, I was starting to think that there was no hope for me, now I know that is not the case, if I make the choice.

[HajiMaji]

F that dude, there is always hope. Be brave! Dont sufficate in the guilt, no matter what people do to make you feel bad about yourself. Weve all made mistakes man. Weve all hurt other people. Its ok, just try your best to improove and one day you will be happier with yourself!

[Hope75]

I read about abusers on this website, telling me that they never change, I was starting to think that there was no hope for me, now I know that is not the case, if I make the choice.

 

Honestly, it's rare. Most of the cases you read about here are ones that the abusers feel no remorse for what they are doing and see nothing wrong with it. Those types of people are unlikely to change, and have to do what you've done and accept and acknowledge fault and responsibility first... you don't see that too often.

 

Counseling is good, church is a great place to be spending time, I think if you really want to change, and you seek the proper resources and really make a concerted effort, you have a fair chance. It's just sad that you had to lose a 6 year relationship in order to see the depth of your problem.

 

However, that can now be the catalyst for change, you can take something negative and turn it into something positive.

 

Keep us updated, ok?

[sorryJason]

Having another bad day, eg where I miss my ex so much, it physically hurt, but I guess it is a good motivator!

 

Just got back from a hypnotherapist, wasn't what I thought it was going to be at all, but I think it helped, I feel different, weird but different. She says I have a powerful mind, very imaganative, so it is easy to work with me, I am going again on the 27th!

 

I think maybe what happened was for the best, because now I really have the motivation to get better, and work at it until it is cured, I just wish it didn't have to involve losing my best friend in the world, my ex-fiancee.

[sorryJason]

Well, I did something I never should have done, I was having a bad day, packing all my stuff so I can get out of her(our) house, and I found some pics of us, and it made me start thinking about her, and I needed to see her, so I went and took the keys I have to her car, which I wanted to give back to her anyways and put some of the pics I thought she might want of us in her car along with her keys, I waited for her to come to her car then I walked up and said, hi. Man I was shaking like i was made out of jello. I know I should have never done this, but I wanted to tell her I still missed her, and that the only reason I was not try to contact her was because that is the way I thought she wanted it.

 

So I told her I miss her and she told me that she never wants to speak to me again, I told her that was fine, well long story short, she pretty much told me that she just wanted to have fun in her life now, even though she was just talking about marriage, a week ago! She said she found herself, even though I was the one that said she should explore herself in the first place!

 

I think maybe I shot myself in the foot, I encouraged her to go out with her friends, to go into a theatre group, in which she found a new boyfriend and is replacing me with him. Should I never let a woman out of my site, should I have been controlling? I don't have a clue what is going on with her anymore, I suppose I shouldn't care, but we were going to get married, now she doesn't even want to know me. I guess I can't blame her I am a terrible person, who would want to know me.

[thegirl_00]

You both need to move on. Just like in all relationship breakups... someone gets hurt and then they have to move on. You are on the right road and you will become a great husband to someone else. life alwyas goes on and with the help your getting you'll have alot of support to get through this.

[Censored] happeneds everyday man, and what doesn't kill us really DOES make us stronger.

[Hope75]

Should I never let a woman out of my site, should I have been controlling?

 

I think you know the answer to that Jason, don't you? Of course not. This relationship is just too damaged to fix, and you know you can't blame her for that. In the future, you should know that women are not possessions, and that a woman will be with you because she wants to, because you will treat her with love and respect, not because she feels she has to be with you, or feels threatened if she wants to leave. You should never try to control another person. Try being loving and respectful, and giving her the freedom to be her own person and stay with you because she chooses to. Don't ever try to force a woman to be with you.

 

I think you know better than that. Try to learn from this experience and take what you've learned to use it in future relationships.

 

I know you said you were doing hypnotherapy, but are you talking to an actual counsellour as well? you should be, if you are not. To help yourself learn to deal with your anger and controlling impulses.

 

What do you think?

[sorryJason]

First of all, just let me say I am feeling really funny today, sad mostly, and really hurting from last night when I saw my ex after 1 week of NC. Sorry all.

 

I thought that anything could be fixed? If not the a broken heart will always be broken, no?

 

Yes, I know better than to be controlling, and I wasn't in this relationship, quite the opposite, I taught her many things, and last night, she even told me that I taught her to be independent, I just felt like, ouch... I taught you to be so independent that you didn't need me anymore??? Do you see my point?

Why am I always the teacher/fixer? Am I drawn to women with problems that I then go on to fix?

 

What to learn from this relationship is not to try to be nice to a woman? I tried really hard all that last week, and all she did was treat me worse.

 

And yes, I am going to see a "real" counsellor, actually 2 different one, one for alternatives to violence, and one for anger managerment/healing.

 

Just honestly though, think of it from my side, I helped her gain finacially freedom, helped her buy her car and now the house, and now all of a sudden she wants to be free? That really

 

hurt me. I know I deserve to be hurt, but I just feel like no one ever helps me like that, maybe I should look for older women?

[Hope75]

Just honestly though, think of it from my side, I helped her gain finacially freedom, helped her buy her car and now the house, and now all of a sudden she wants to be free? That really

 

hurt me. I know I deserve to be hurt, but I just feel like no one ever helps me like that, maybe I should look for older women?

 

You also were physically abusive to her. That in itself is more than enough grounds for her to walk away from you. Her heart will not always be broken, nor will yours. You will both heal, and you will not likely be together again, and you know why. That does not mean that neither of you will find love again, with other people.

 

I don't think you should be looking for any women for awhile. Keep going to your counseling, try to accept and understand that although your actions may be forgivable, she is likely not coming back and there is good reason for it. When someone harms us we tend to not want to be around that person, no matter how much they try to make amends.

 

You have to forgive yourself for what you've done and truly try to change your pattern of behaviour, and part of what you had to learn was that abuse is so unacceptable that you lost her, for good. You still have a chance to find happiness again. First within yourself, and later, when you learn to control yourself, with someone new.

 

Hang in there, you can do this.

[sorryJason]

I am not meaning to be hurtful here but, I just wanted to make a point that my consellor helped me with

 

I just found something out about my ex, she was setting me up to fail. I just don't understand why, she told one of her friends I know, that she was getting ready for us to break up, and that she was going to be mean to me so that I would break up with her, so that she didn't have to feel bad. I know that doesn't mean it was ok to hit her, but isn't that like giving an alcoholic alcohol, when you know they are alcoholic?

 

When someone harms us we tend to not want to be around that person, no matter how much they try to make amends

 

My dad abused me physically and mentally for 19 years of my life, and yet I forgave him, even though he doesn't admit he did anything wrong and I still see him.

 

I know you might say, that is a different type of relationship, and maybe you are right. But for people like me, it really hurts that no one understands us, I have been abused almost all my life, and no one is asking my father to change. Our society has changed in the last 20 years so that physical abuse is wrong(which I agree with) but society doesn't want to deal with the skeletons in the closet, like me. They just figure that we will just fix ourselves, meanwhile we are out there hurting other people, continuing the cycle of violence. Society has all this help for alcoholics and drug abusers, but not for violent people, why not?

 

Sorry if this offensive, I just had to get it off my chest.

[Hope75]

I just found something out about my ex, she was setting me up to fail. I just don't understand why, she told one of her friends I know, that she was getting ready for us to break up, and that she was going to be mean to me so that I would break up with her, so that she didn't have to feel bad. I know that doesn't mean it was ok to hit her, but isn't that like giving an alcoholic alcohol, when you know they are alcoholic?

 

It might be like offering an alcoholic a drink, but in the end it is the alcoholic's choice to pick up the drink and drink it, or choose not to, knowing that it's bad for him and likely to harm him, just like abusing your gf harmed her and was bad for her and your relationship. No matter what she did, you had to choice to walk out on her, and to not lay a hand on her. You control your reactions to her actions. You made the wrong choice.

 

My dad abused me physically and mentally for 19 years of my life, and yet I forgave him, even though he doesn't admit he did anything wrong and I still see him.

 

I am sorry that your dad did this to you, it's a terrible tragedy and probably has alot to do with how you have learned to handle stress and negative emotions in your life and relationships. I hope that knowing this you can move forward and learn to change that pattern.

 

Forgiving your dad and choosing to see him is your decision, and it is a different type of relationship, but it doesn't make it any less terrible, or any more excusable, what he did to you. You could just as easily have chosen not to have him in your life if you wanted, and it would be totally understandable. However, he is your father, and you only get one, and so you chose to forgive. Some people can get past it, and others can't. Those who can't cannot be faulted for that.

 

Having said that, it is still not an excuse for being physically abusive to your ex. You are not her father or a family member, she has no familial ties to you, and so yes, it might be easier for her to walk away. She is under NO obligation to forgive you and come back to you and I personally can see why she chooses not to come back, even though one day she might forgive you.

 

When my ex abused me, I walked too. I don't need that kind of treatment in my life, and I didn't need to stick around any longer to see if he was sorry again. I forgave him, I had to for myself, in order to move forward with my life, but I would never take him back. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.

 

I know you are sorry that you did that to her. I know you wish it might have been different, but it is what it is. You can't take back what is done, and in this case the damage is irreversable. A million I'm sorries and a lifetime of treating her nice can't change what is already done, and she is perfectly reasonable is doing what she did in leaving you. Once is all it takes for some, and others put up with it for years, but once is still wrong, and still grounds to leave.

 

Society has all this help for alcoholics and drug abusers, but not for violent people, why not?

 

 

There is alot of help out there for victims and perpetrators of domestic violence. It's a huge problem and I don't think society is by any means ignoring it, and you cannot blame society for what you did to your gf. You have the power to change you thought patterns and actions. You had it all along. You did this. You accepted responsibility, don't go back on that now. You just have to know where to look, but there is alot of help available.

 

Here is the number for the National Domestic Abuse Hotline:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

 

They can send you in the right direction, Anger management and counseling is a great thing you are doing as well.

 

Sorry if this offensive, I just had to get it off my chest.

 

 

Don't be sorry. You can vent here when you need to. We are hear to listen.

[sorryJason]

I know what I did was wrong, I take full responsibility for my actions, yes it was my choice and I made the wrong one.

 

I know it is not societies fault, it is mine.

 

I am not trying to get her back, I know that I have hurt her and I can't take it back, or make her forget, as I have with my father.

 

I really thank you for continuing to post replies to me, sometimes it hurts, but is also helps.

 

Thank you all for helping!

[Hope75]

Hi Jason,

 

I am glad that you are accepting responsibility for your actions, and really making a concerted effort to change. There are not many people in your position who would do the same, and for that you should be commended.

 

Your father did this to you, and then you in turn did this to your girlfriend, and now you are trying to break the cycle of violence, which is so important.

 

Keep trying. You will find love again, when you are ready and when you love and respect yourself and your new partner enough not to have to resort to violence.

[sorryJason]

In my previous post I said I am not trying to get her back, but I should say, I do want her back, not a day goes by when I don't think about her, and I know that someday I may get over it.

 

I just wanted to be totally honest, and at the time I was kind of half trying to get her back, you see I bought her a kitten, a cute little siamese cross, I thought maybe it would calm the waters between us, because we have both being thinking about the legal problems included in this breakup, and worrying about what the other person is going to do legally. So I bought it for several reasons, also including the fact that she always wanted one while we were dating and I am allergic to cats, so we couldn't have one and I thought she might be lonely in our house, so now she has someone to keep her company.

 

But, I know that there is nothing I can do to get her back, if she ever does want me back, that will be up to her, not me. And I think the chance of that happening is slim to none. Which I can sort of understand, I am not going to say totally, because I have never been in that exact situation.

[sorryJason]

Hello all, I am having another hard day, spent all night dreaming of my ex, I am finally eating somewhat normal, but sleep is just so hard even with my pills(lorazipam, for those of you who want to know). I am still talking to her mother, because my mother is not helpful in these manners, and talking to her mom at least makes me feel better. I know I should not talk to her mother, but I don't feel like anyone else understand the situation, and yes I have explained everything I did to my ex to her mother, which wasn't easy.

 

Anyway, I finally finished moving out of her(our) home, which was very difficult, but I guess it is for the best, I left her instructions on how to change the alarm code, because she doesn't feel safe at home. It really hurt saying goodbye to that house, I really felt like it was going to be my home for a long time. I know I deserve all the pain I am feeling right now, I just wish I had more time to spend with my friends to heal this pain, but I work at night mostly, but fortunately it sounds like that will change soon! It looks as though I will be getting fulltime in October!((I am currently just casual at my job)

 

I guess that's it for now, I have more, but I know I make my posts too long as it is, I guess I am just a talker.

[sorryJason]

I guess my ex has been reading my messages on this forum, which is unfortunate because I have not tried to find her profile on this forum, even though I think she does use this site. I guess I will stop using this site, or maybe I could just change my user name, any suggestions?

 

Or should I just say who cares, and keep posting? I wish she wouldn't read these posts, as they are only for my own purposes. I guess I really have no way of seeing if she is viewing these messages..

 

Maybe I will change my user name, after all, if no one has anyother thougths on this.....

[Hope75]

If she knows your user name and you are uncomfortable knowing she might be reading your posts than go ahead and change your user name. You can talk to the admin about how to do it if you aren't sure.

[sorryJason]

Hi, again, thanks for replying to my posts, I think everyone on this forum hates me except you, maybe you hate me too, I don't know.

 

Should I be concerned about her reading my posts? What is your opinion? Should I change my user name? I have tried to sign up under a different name, but I only have one email account now(hotmail) and don't want to sign up for another one. Should I feel uncomfortable with her reading my posts?

 

Thanks for you replies

[Hope75]

Hi, again, thanks for replying to my posts, I think everyone on this forum hates me except you, maybe you hate me too, I don't know.

 

Should I be concerned about her reading my posts? What is your opinion? Should I change my user name? I have tried to sign up under a different name, but I only have one email account now(hotmail) and don't want to sign up for another one. Should I feel uncomfortable with her reading my posts?

 

Thanks for you replies

 

I don't hate you. I don't hate my ex either. Ever thought about how much energy it takes to hate someone? It poisons your soul. That doesn't mean I would take my ex back, but of course I don't hate him.

 

It's really up to you. Is she on the forum? If you feel it's personal and you don't want her seeing, or you are afraid you may begin to use this forum as a tool to try and win her back instead of asking for advice and getting help, than yes, go ahead and open a new email account and get a new user name.

 

I personally don't think you have said anything on here that she will find offensive, but it's really you decision to make.

[sorryJason]

Thank you for your quick reply,

 

I don't want to use this forum to win her back, but maybe her reading this will allow her to understand somethings about me, but I am worried that the part of me that really wants her back will try to use this as a way to get her back. Yet again, I don't think I can actually do or say anything to get her back anyways, if (and I know I can't hope for anything here) we were ever to get back together it would be up to her not me, so I guess anything I say here doesn't really matter all that much.

 

Plus I when I post I don't think about her reading it, I just pour out my feelings,(as you could probaby see in my first HUGE post) and the truth about what I am feeling, so I don't think it matters if she reads it.

 

Thank you again Hope75, you are a real miracle for me, and your name is like a sign for me to have hope for a better future.

[Hope75]

I will be more than happy if you can learn to live a life without resorting to violence, and if you never lay your hands on a woman again.

 

Don't be afraid to vent here when you need to.

 

How is your counseling going?

[sorryJason]

Why does it seem like everyday goes by and I hurt more and more, and I have tried going out with friends, etc. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her! I have tried to be angry at her, as I heard that helps, but I just can't be angry at her. She doesn't want me anywhere near her, and she doesn't want to even talk to me. So I have been trying to stay away from her, for her sake. I have only seen her once, just see my other post, in the last 2 weeks.

 

I keep thinking about the life we were going to have together, marriage children etc, Everday I die a little more inside, and she is so happy, I can't really blame her I guess. I just hurts me to be so sad and missing her and to have her not miss me at all and so happy I am gone. Yes, I know that she is happy now because she got rid such a terrible person out of her life, but I don't think she remembers the good times, and that's all I do.

 

It also hurts me that she is always with the friends that always tried to break us up and hating me thoughout our relationship, even though the husband of her best friend was/is always hitting on her, she says, that he such a good man.

 

I just want to die, I hope I get into a car accident on the way home. I can't bear this pain any longer, I keep praying ever night for God to help me, but it never gets easier.

 

Sorry for the long post, needed to vent