Friend told me he was gay

[first67]

One of my closest friends came into my room last night, closed the door and told me that he loved me. That he was in love with me and that I was all that he could think about. The reaction inside me was extremely violent. In that moment, I don't know why, but I felt betrayed in some way and my reaction throughout my body was anger. I calmly told him to "Get outta my room." He is one of my roommates and has been one of my closest friends for these 4 years in college. I saw him once today. He said hi to me. He has spent most of the evening in his room and not come out. I want to apologize to him for my reaction. I kind of know the reasons for my reaction in my own head. I don't know if he will understand those reasons. I do feel betrayed and I don't know what I want to do about our friendship. But whatever happens, I want very much to have a conversation with him and to let him know that nobody else will know about what happened. How should I approach this problem and my own feelings about this?

[lilium]

sounds to me you have all figured it out, you know it was wrong to react that way and tell him you are sorry, you know the reasons but are not sure he'll understand.... tell him anyways making it clear that you like him as a friend but nothing more, try not to be too harsh, after all he's been a good friend and i'm sure he didint plan it or anything; you are a gentleman and i'm glad to hear you dont plan to tell anyone about this, especially becouse it looks like nobody knows his sexual prefferences and he wants to keep it that way.

 

about how to aproach this, the words honesty and comunication come to mind, but you might want to sort out your feelings first, you wont be able to be completely honest with him if you dont, you could end up hurting him more.

 

i hope that helped a bit, good luck

[venus777]

Hey-

 

This happened to my brother, a close friend of his had a crush on him (but my brother had known his friend was gay but just hadn't assumed that his friend felt more). His friend was in love with him but couldn't handle the fact that it was unreciprocated and now they are no longer friends.

 

I don't know what to say other than you must try and understand that it must have been a very difficult thing for him to do to tell you that. Even though our country is slowly becoming more accepting of homosexuals, it is still a slow process and many people are still homophobic. I live in the bay area and have many friends that are gay and I personally have some bisexual feelings though I've never acted on them, just fantasized. So I'm open to that and nonjudgmental of your poor friend.

 

I think that the only thing you can do is try and be clear about articulating why you responded the way you did but don't make excuses for yourself. Tell him the honest truth, even if it hurts, but I think he'll respect you more for honesty. Think a lot before approaching him, because you don't want to hurt him even more, but you still have to be honest. Tell him that you were surprised and shocked and maybe even feel a little bit homophobic.

 

It IS homophobia BTW. A friend of mine (a girl) wanted to make out with me and I just gave her a hug saying that I was flattered but not into women. And we're still friends, even though I still think she may have felt embarrassed later on...

[melrich]

Hi. Your post has no implication of homphobia or otherwise. A guy making a similar advance to a woman may have gotten the same sort of response.

 

I assume the declaration was a shock to you. Apologise and let him know you were taken by surprise and did not mean to react that way. I am sure he will understand.

[venus777]

you think that a man would tell a woman to get the bleep out of his room???

 

i never heard of that happening.

 

EVER.

 

let's not deny reality now. people ARE homophobic just like people ARE racist but still believe that somehow they are more accepting. Confront reality. Don't deny it. That's the only way in order to really change.

[lilium]

you think that a man would tell a woman to get the bleep out of his room???

 

i never heard of that happening.

 

EVER.

 

let's not deny reality now. people ARE homophobic just like people ARE racist but still believe that somehow they are more accepting. Confront reality. Don't deny it. That's the only way in order to really change.

 

i just wanted to say something to you venus, and no i'm not getting into an argument and i fully respect your point of view.

But this is mine: yes people are homofobic, yes people are racist, HOWEVER i dont think its right to jump and point out people without knowing them, i dont know this guy and i believe he's not, he feels bad already, why making him feel worse?

 

(btw i have seen that happening, a gay friend told her to... does that makes him heterofobic?) this guy obviously knows he shouldnt have reacted that way and it looks like he cares about his friend, he just didint know how to handle it, it happens.

[melrich]

I agree. And I did not say a man would tell a woman to get out of his room (though this is possible) I said that a woman could tell a man.

 

There is nothing in the original posters post to suggest homophobia whatsoever.

[first67]

Just wanted to elaborate a little further.

 

My friend was drunk last night when he came into my room. Nobody I know, suspects he is gay.

 

Do I think I'm homophobic? I'm sure I am to a certain degree. I laugh at gay jokes. I'm sure I wouldn't if my brother were gay. I don't have any close friends who are openly gay. I've been to a gay bar with a straight friend and his friend who is gay. I have a close friend who I suspect is gay but in the closet.

 

I don't think I reacted to him the way I did because I'm homophobic though. I honestly felt betrayed. This is a guy I sat around the poker table with and laughed at gay jokes with. I sat around with him freshman year and said 'fgt this and fgt that'. (I was a lot more crass freshman year. I had something to prove. ) I feel like I exposed myself to him and said things in front of him I never would have said had I known his sexual orientation. And last night I was mad.

 

I talked to my girlfriend (I'm sorry, but I did tell one person. my girlfriend loves him by the way) and she told me that it was not about me, that I shouldn't take it personally because he wasn't just hiding himself from me, but from the whole world; not because he was a con artist, but because he felt that he had no choice. According to her this whole thing is about my friend and has absolutely nothing to do with me and that's how I should look at it.

 

I want to tell him all these things when I talk to him. I'm planning on doing it tomorrow. I want to take him to dinner away from everyone else and have a talk.

 

Thanks very much for your replies by the way.

[venus777]

I agree with your girlfriend. That's why I emphasize the homophobic thing. He had to have a lot of balls (excuse the expression) to be able to muster the confidence to say something. I mean, think about it, say you accidentally did something wrong and felt so guilty about it and were afraid you'd lose your friend for something you did on accident (or that was out of your control).

 

I think we all have some homophobic tendencies (except for people who are homosexual of course) ingrained in us from society and all of the homophobic jokes. Probably joking around about homosexuals was hard for him but he kept it hidden...

[lilium]

well you did say, look at the bright side, you actually found a good person to tell this, she's right, your friend is hidding from the world, and to top it off he said it while he was drunk!! the poor thing.

yes this is mainly about him, but not completely, he does have feelings for you, and he's hurt, but above all he must be ashamed, maybe he didint want you to find out ever becouse he knows you have a gf and was afraid to loose your friendship, the booze just helped him to get it out his chest, so you still need to clear that up with him.

 

about the jokes and things you told him without knowing he was gay (and interested in you), i understand completely, but he had to laugh at those jokes becouse thats what 'guys' do, if you believe you offended him by saying that in the past say sorry for that too, but believe me, not everyone gets offended by that, actually most just laugh at the sillyness of the joke itself not laughing at who is directed.

 

i have lots of male friends (in the bunch there are straight/bi/gay) and i dont have many female friends but its the same with them, the thing is, if we are at a friends house a guy could say a joke about females and i would just laugh, i wouldnt stop trusting my closest friends for any reason, i can be completely open with them no matter what, and they can do the same thing but thats becouse my closest friends are very openminded like myself, i think its absolutly ok if a friend wouldnt want to talk about certain topics he's uncomfortable with (so lets just say for example you can stay friends without the need of him telling you the details of what he did last night with his hot date), who knows? maybe there are things that make him feel uncomfortable aswell but he wasnt able to tell you this becouse he thought 'this is what straight men talk about'

[thegirl_00]

Even though what he told you made you angry i am proud of him for having the courage for coming out of the closet and telling you. I can totaly understand why you would feel angry, but he defenitly deserves a chat. IF he was a good enough friend you will find it in you to forgive him. He can't help that he is gay, and he was just hiding it because he was ashamed. Good luck.