why is my ex making her life seem crappy to me?

[settinuplife]

Well, last time I posted I talked about my ex calling me and ripping me a new one saying I disrespected her boyfriend by rolling my eyes at him. After that last phone call she hasn't tried to call at all, and she's the one who started calling after 2 mos. of NC implemented by me.

 

Well, I figure she is soo pissed at me she just decided to stop calling, period. Well the other day I'm driving out while she's driving in to the apt. complex (we both live in same complex) and she drives over directly in front of my car "chicken style" acting like she's gonna hit me, then she backs up and drives up to my window and we start talking. I guess she's not that mad at me anymore if she's joking like she's gonna ram into my car and she pulls up to talk.

 

The thing with her that's got me so confused is she right away complains about all the bad stuff in her life to me, like she got denied of her loan application for school this upcoming semester, and that her dad won't help her w/money for school, also she has to sell her car cause she can't afford it and buy a junker, and that she has to go to court for something she got in trouble for. I tell her, sorry and talk about how things are going w/my new job, but that's about it.

 

She doesn't talk bad about her relationship though, and didn't bring it up when we talked. Does anyone know why she is always complaining about stuff to me and making her life seem crappy to me?

[brando]

Is she being honest, not that her life is crappy, just that these are actual things that have been happening to her?

 

Do you expect her life to be better, or without any struggle?

 

 

Not sure where your thoughts are leading you...

[princess81]

I know this may sound crazy but maybe she just feel's more comfortable talking to you about her problems than she does with her boyfriend she could be missing support and some good advice. Just a guess!

[shes2smart]

Does anyone know why she is always complaining about stuff to me and making her life seem crappy to me?

 

Maybe the answer is as simple as...because she knows you'll listen. I know that's the case with the only ex of mine that I have kept in touch with. My college bf (we broke up about 15 yrs. ago) was my non-professional, no-charge shrink simply because I knew he'd be that.

 

Out of respect for the other parties involved, I didn't talk to him as much when I knew he was seeing someone seriously or when I was seeing someone seriously. Since we've both gotten married (to other people), and no longer live in the same city, I rarely talk to him at all...although we do visit with spouses in tow when we're in the same city. Oddly enough, all 4 of us like each other and we've had a number of pleasant evenings out together.

 

However, when he was single & I was single and living in the same town and I was havin' man trouble, work trouble, parent trouble, money trouble or any kinda trouble I was on the phone to Dave A LOT.

[settinuplife]

when she came to my door in tears one day weeks ago, she made it seem like her life went downhill after I quit talking to her and that I was her support. She said "how can you go 2 months without talking to me" and I said I sent her an email explaining that I needed NC to get over her, and she said she never got it (whatever). She also said that day out of nowhere that she didn't want to get back together w/me (I didn't ask her if she wanted to at that moment), and I said that I didn't either (I don't know if I would or not). She said because our relationship was one-sided. She knows I've changed for the better. If we ever did get back together things would be different.

[heloladies21]

If anyone else were to read your whole situation it would become obvious that this chick enjoys manipulating you. She can push and pull you into and out of her life at will and you keep coming back for more. Nobody here can make you stand up for yourself and cut her off for good. That's a decision you're going to have to make on your own. It pains me to see you in this state though friend, but she has another man now and things between you and her were over some time ago. Next step is letting go...

[Miss M]

Not really sure if this is accurate, but my first impression is also that she's using you, manipulating you because you're willing to listen and care. Sounds like she's playing a game of look-how-pitiful-I-am-now-don't-you-feel-sorry-for-me. And that's not good for you if all she wants is your sympathy and attention, and doesn't care about your well-being or how you're feeling. Some people like to invite you to their pity party because it's a way for them to get attention while not giving anything back, while not caring for the other person. It's one-sided and selfish. If you're the kind of person whose heartstrings can be pulled, someone who is obviously sympathetic, empathetic, caring, this might be a possible explanation. It sure doesn't seem like she's respecting your boundaries, nor is she considering how this might be unfavorably affecting you. And your ending comment about possibly getting back together... what's that about?

[settinuplife]

I was just saying that she knows I have changed for the better, and if we ever did get back together I would be great relationship material now.

[Miss M]

I guess it occurred to me to ask because you said she has(?) a bf? If she's with somebody else right now, those thoughts about getting back together seem to add confusion.

 

And what about her? Do you think she is good relationship material now?

[settinuplife]

She is a mess seems like, not the same girl I knew. Seems her life has gone downhill since I havent been in it. I have tried to get on w/my life and ignore her and I am. I will talk to her only when she calls, but I dont call her. Sometimes I feel she needs someone who cares and will act like they care - which is why I question whether I'm doing the right thing sometimes.

[Miss M]

You seem like a caring person and that's very admirable. And in her you see someone who you think would be better with you in her life. There's also nothing wrong with that, and many of us have felt that way. But sometimes we get so caught up in caring for the other that we don't realize when the other person doesn't feel the same. From what you've described, it sounds like she's yanking your chain, toying with your feelings, and is not concerned about your well-being. And while you've been trying to improve yourself to be worthy of her, she has gone downhill. Something about that seems lopsided, especially when her response has been to toy with you. If she is a doing badly it seems a better response from her would be to regard you with appreciation for what you might now offer her, and congratulations and admiration for working on yourself to be a better person. (But even with that you should still be careful because I've seen some who express false admiration and appreciation as just a way to manipulate.)

 

And for a relationships to be successful both sides need to be capable of caring, giving, loving, appreciation. Consider whether she has the ability to care about you, and whether she is capable/willing to give back what you're willing to give to her if she were ever able. If you only do all of the giving, and she does all of the taking, that's just exploitation and you'll soon be very emotionally depleted.

 

And besides all of that, the bottom line is she is still in a relationship with someone else. Getting pulled into something like that seems messy and risky.

[heloladies21]

Well why can't you be a little selfish for once? Why can't you worry about want insdead of what she wants? Why even take her calls at all? You need to start looking out for #1 cause nobody else is going to...