Broke up in December, we're both still hurting

[shaggygrrl]

7 months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 12 years. It was not the first time we broke off. He took it fairly well and since it was hard for him to find a place to live in winter, I told him to take his time and that he could find a place for the springtime. A few weeks after, I realized how hard it was to have broken up with him and still live in the same house (sometimes, in the mornings, I would wake up and find him sleeping next to me), so I started sleeping over friend's places.

 

Then in March, I told him that it was hard for me to be at my own home because when he is there, it makes me feel uneasy because he still expected me to come back to him. I didn't want to hurt him more. I wanted a clean break. I had just lost my father, was going through a hell of a hard time at work, I was still paying a mortgage on a house I couldn't live in. He made 3 times more money than I did, yet he never paid for anything at home. I never wanted to bring that back to him because it was my choice and I didn't want him to suffer more or feel hurt if I asked him to pay at least for the electricity he was using.

 

But in May, he moved out. And I honestly think he never realized we broke up until then. He wrote me a letter asking me why I left him, telling me that we *could* made this work. I told him that I had been hurt, felt taken granted of, used and thought of as a commodity. I told him that I had told him all of this years before, and that I was trying to be patient and understanding and supportive through his endeavours, but it just didn't work out. We have a problem communicating, but no matter how we try, we can't seem to see eye-to-eye in our expectations. So I made the decision for myself. yes, it may have been selfish, but I felt like a part of me was dying, that I couldn't bear all the empty promises he'd made in the past. I felt all the important things in our relationship were pushed aside because *he* thought he was making sacrifices, when all I required was to have him by my side. And I gave him time. I stood by him even though he did stupid mistakes like forgetting dates/night out because he was working late. When I reiterated all these reasons (I had told him that so many times before the breakup, that I felt like I was nagging him)He freaked and hasn't spoken to me much since.

 

I'm hoping that he has had the time to heal, but I received a very hateful and vengeful e-mail. He basically said that he wasted 12 years of his life and that I lied to him about Loving him. He ended up the e-mail telling me that he cannot live without me. I was so torn. The worst past is that I still do Love him, (loosing him was almost as hard as loosing my father), but staying with him would be detrimental to my emotional health.

 

He's demanding that I respond to his e-mail. I don't know what to say that I've already said in the past. And even if I would say the things I feel now, wouldn't it bring about more pain? I want to tell him how I feel, I want to tell him that I still think of him and that I miss him so much, but that I am sure of my decision and that I want him to be strong and go on with his life.. But would telling him these things help him to continue, or would it destroy him any further?

 

I'm sorry this turned out to be such a long post. I really wanted it short and sweet but my heart just poured out into it.

[DN]

The length of your post is fine because it gives background but when you reply to him that message should be short and sweet. And to the point. Just tell him that you are sorry he is hurting and that he feels the way he does but that you have made your decision and it is final. Tell him that you intend to move on with your life and think he should do the same. Be as kind as you can but leave no doubt in his mind that the relationship is over and that you don't want him to talk to you anymore in any way.

[shaggygrrl]

Thank you for your reply... I'm so used to comforting him when he's down, it's hard for me to not to be there for him...

 

But you are absolutely right, I just didn't see it.

 

Thank you again...

[Miss M]

I'm hoping that he has had the time to heal, but I received a very hateful and vengeful e-mail. He basically said that he wasted 12 years of his life and that I lied to him about Loving him. He ended up the e-mail telling me that he cannot live without me. I was so torn.

So, in his effort to get you to return to him he said these awful things to you? From all that you wrote, and then, his reaction here, sounds like it's good you're rid of this one. Real love doesn't turn into criticism and vengefulness and hatefulness like this.

 

The worst past is that I still do Love him, (loosing him was almost as hard as loosing my father), but staying with him would be detrimental to my emotional health.

Ending a relationship is exactly like grieving a death. It's a painful loss and it's perfectly natural to feel this kind of intense and tortured pain. But don't let your desire to be free of the pain cause you to take him back. You gave more than your share, and you were more than fair in the relationship. It really sounds like you got the short end of this one, and you're going to be much better off staying away from him. Take really good care of yourself for a change.

 

He's demanding that I respond to his e-mail.

He doesn't have any right to demand anything of you, including answering his email. Stay clear and just start practicing how to take very good care of yourself. It's probably going to feel very strange for a while, but it's really possible put your own needs first without feeling guilty, but it does take practice. And surround yourself with some supportive and nurturing friends who can help you keep your perspective.

[shaggygrrl]

Thank you Miss M... I felt guilty to have compared the feeling of loosing my ex with loosing my father. I thought I was an ungrateful daughter to have felt that way.

 

I'm sorry if I sound stubborn, but what if reply to him something like: I'm sorry he's hurt, but that I've been hurt too, and that I would really appreciate cutting all communications until we are both healed from this.

 

He's a really good guy, and for him to have said such hurtful things, he must have been through a really hard patch.

 

I would've been shy to call up my friends again, to ask for some support. They've been wonderful these past few months and I feel selfish to ask for more. But I think I will be needing them again today...

[gersanos]

He doesn't have any right to demand anything of you, including answering his email.

 

I completely disagree. He does have a right to know why things ended and all, which, according to your post, you have told him so. Everyone is entitled to an explaination as to why things didn't work out, especially after 12 years. "Wasn't meant to be" may very well be the truth, but it does not provide the sort of closure for someone when they don't know what's going on.

 

Regarding the hateful e-mail, don't respond to it. It is obvious that he is hurt here. Is it excusable? I'm not one to judge that, but, it is completely understandable. Does it make things easier for you reading it? Probably not. More than likely it makes you feel guilty and makes you question yourself.

 

I told him that I had been hurt, felt taken granted of, used and thought of as a commodity. I told him that I had told him all of this years before, and that I was trying to be patient and understanding and supportive through his endeavours, but it just didn't work out. We have a problem communicating, but no matter how we try, we can't seem to see eye-to-eye in our expectations.

 

Use this time to heal, and afterwards there seems to be lots of areas to grow upon. It may have been an incompatibility issue, or it may have been a lack of effective communication. These remarks that you made to him about being hurt, did you tell him these things as they came accross during the duration of the relationship, or was this something that was mentioned during the end of the relationship?

 

The worst past is that I still do Love him, (loosing him was almost as hard as loosing my father), but staying with him would be detrimental to my emotional health.

 

I completely empathize with you. Been in this situation before, and love simply was not enough. We loved each other terrribly, and we tried and we tried, but we could not make it work.

 

I wanted a clean break

 

By far the best approach. Dragged out break-ups are so much more painful. The gut-wrenching trauma seems to never go away, even after the deed is done.

 

Take care of yourself. This will take some time. Perhaps you two will speak again on good terms one day, but that is something that is out of your control, and something that you should not be focusing on.

[Miss M]

Thank you Miss M... I felt guilty to have compared the feeling of loosing my ex with loosing my father. I thought I was an ungrateful daughter to have felt that way.

Please don't feel guilty. It may seem strange at first, but it's actually a very natural and understandable reaction/comparison.

 

I'm sorry if I sound stubborn, but what if reply to him something like: I'm sorry he's hurt, but that I've been hurt too, and that I would really appreciate cutting all communications until we are both healed from this.

That's not stubborn, and there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. And there's no need at all to apologize for it. You're obviously a kind and generous person, and you have no need to feel bad for realizing it's necessary to take care of yourself. It's actually very healthy to assert your needs when you've been neglected. Trust the feelings that tell you to be self-caring. Too many of us get caught in this trap of feeling we're wrong for having a good relationship with ourselves.

 

He's a really good guy, and for him to have said such hurtful things, he must have been through a really hard patch.

From what you've described, he doesn't seem all that "good." And I've had those same exact thoughts, "for him to have said such hurtful things, he must have been through a really hard patch." But that's exactly how we get ourselves into trouble. You're gauging his behavior by your generous standards. You're kind and giving and forgiving. In order for YOU to say something so cruel you'd have to be going through something really awful. But that's not at all true for others. He's obviously not like you. You pay your own way and even take care of others with your generosity. If you have kind and generous and thoughtful standards of behavior, don't automatically try to project those onto someone who is very different, very unkind and inconsiderate. That's the mistake I made lots of times before I got smart.

 

I would've been shy to call up my friends again, to ask for some support. They've been wonderful these past few months and I feel selfish to ask for more. But I think I will be needing them again today...

Do call your friends. People who genuinely care about you enjoy being able to take care of you. Don't you enjoy being loving and supportive to others? Give them the opportunity to do that for you. And do be SELFISH for a while. Strengthening yourself during this time with nurturing support just means you'll be strong enough to give it back to someone who needs it later.

 

Take care

[Miss M]

He doesn't have any right to demand anything of you, including answering his email.

 

I completely disagree.

Hello Gersanos.

I think we're going to disagree on this one. He makes 3 times the income, but she moved out of her own house, but still kept paying the mortgage while he continued to live there? He contributed nothing, not even the utilities? In her entire post are all the indications that she has been very thoughtful and considerate of him, putting her own needs last time and again. Yet she's feeling guilty and obligated while he has spent years not plugging in? Sorry, but I don't see how someone like that gets to make demands on her at all. His "demands" are just a way to bully her and she has every right to disregard his bullying behavior at this point. After being neglected, carrying the relationship alone, at this point worrying about his needs, even his need for "closure" is just too distracting and difficult when trying to sort this out during this confusing time. She has already done more than enough to accommodate him and needs to focus totally on herself for awhile.

 

But I do agree with most of what you wrote otherwise.

[shaggygrrl]

He does have a right to know why things ended and all, which, according to your post, you have told him so.

 

Actually, he did ask for the reasons why I left him. He felt like he didn't understand why those reasons would compel me to leave him. He said they were trivial, and that after all the sacrifices we both went through, we could overcome them. I told him that they hurt me, made me feel worthless, and left me scarred and rancorous. I told him that it may seem trivial for him, but he's always known they were important for me.

 

But we've broken up before for about the same reasons and at the time, we both made promises to work on the things which were troubling our relationship.

 

I think that I did my very best to comply to our pact, because I didn't want him to feel like our relationship was not worth the effort. I wanted this to work, because I Loved him, and I wanted to be with him. I so much wanted it, that sometimes I would convince myself that I was too demanding, that I needed to give more, that he didn't want to do some of the things he promised because he was uneasy, so I should understand him. I even asked him if he was happy with me, if I was a good enough girlfriend.

 

These remarks that you made to him about being hurt, did you tell him these things as they came accross during the duration of the relationship, or was this something that was mentioned during the end of the relationship?

 

When I get the chance to tell him how I felt, I would tell him. Whether I would be happy or sad, content or hurt. He's always had a hard time deciphering people, so I tried to make it easy for him to understand me.

 

However, I think, towards the end of our relationship, I just felt burnt and I wrongfully withdrew myself. I had told him that I was sad about some things, and very disappointed about others. When I explain why I was hurt, he would apologize and explain his actions. But the communication problem was so difficult to overcome, because even though he would apologize, he didn't understand why it hurt so much. I didn't know that he didn't understand so I'd feel even more hurt if it occurred again!

 

I completely empathize with you. Been in this situation before, and love simply was not enough. We loved each other terrribly, but we tried and we tried, but we could not make it work.

 

Thank you for your empathy. I personally was devastated when I realized that Love wasn't going to save us this time around. I didn't want to believe it!

 

Take care of yourself. This will take some time. Perhaps you two will speak again on good terms one day, but that is something that is out of your control, and something that you should not be focusing on.

 

I truly truly hope that we will one day be able to speak to eachother again. But not if it would hurt him more than it already does.

[gersanos]

I guess I am looking for the contradiction here which is compassion that comes with a break-up.

 

I apologize, but, I was just looking at it from different angles. Most posts on here are skewed, and I try to read inbetween the lines at times. In my experience, there are always 3 sides to a story: his, hers, and what really happened.

 

I got my answer from the OP in that she did communicate issues that affected her. Things that bothered her about him. If she never did communicate those things, then I'd see a problem. But, she did tell him what was going on.

 

Sometimes people just don't get it, or perhaps, it was not communicated effectively. Is there an objective standard? I've seen many guys hurt, and I've seen many girls hurt. Both genders say the same thing in the end: "I don't know what happened," while the other party is alleviated from pain/obligation.

[shaggygrrl]

Thank you all! I was still a little shy to call my friends, but here you are, complete strangers, taking the time to read my posts and console me! I have no idea how I can thank you!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!

 

I think, after reading your suggestions, I will hold up writing him until at least after the weekend. I think I would prefer to write him with a cool head.

 

And gersanos, you are absolutely right, I'm sure he has a version of what happened, else, I don't think he'd feel so sad about our separation. Sometimes, I'd ask myself why was I so sad when he seemed so happy? In a sense, I may have told him how I felt, and a part of me knew that he didn't always understand, so a part of me thinks that I should have changed the way I brought the message. But thank you for bringing this under another light.

 

Missy M, you are such a sweetheart! You sound like my best friend, she's so caring, and fiercely loyal! She has been telling me the same things you have (of course I had a had time believing her because I thought she was biased! ). I guess it's a girl thing...

[Miss M]

Shaggygrrl, dear, even if he treated you like a queen, if you're still miserable, not happy, lanquishing, then you still have every right to attend to your emotional well-being. Never ever feel guilty about taking good care of yourself no matter what. Being an emotional martyr is never a good thing. As long as you have done your best in any situation, don't let the guilt rule your behavior or decisions. We just shouldn't make these important life decisions based on guilt.

 

Missy M, you are such a sweetheart! You sound like my best friend, she's so caring, and fiercely loyal! She has been telling me the same things you have (of course I had a had time believing her because I thought she was biased! ). I guess it's a girl thing...

I'm really glad to know you have such a good friend. We get through these things easier when we have help. And thanks for the compliment, hon. I'm very glad to help. I got these "smarts" the hard way, through a lot of hard knocks.. And I'm still suffering a lot of very awful emotional bruises from the times when I wasn't so clear. Just very glad now to be able to save someone else from further pain.

 

And no, it's not exactly a "girl thing." I'm also noticing the posts of some very caring and thoughtful guys on this board. We shouldn't lump the kind ones in with the knuckleheads just based on gender. Whether it's a guy or a girl, we need to recognize and help look after the ones who are genuinely very caring because it's just so easy to get confused about this kind of thing.

 

Good luck and take care!