My past is ruining my life....

[geng2]

I realized last night how much worse off i am than i thought i was. What do you do when you can't even talk to your longest and best of friends anymore because you think that every one is going to hurt you? I mean, friends that you never had a problem talking to for years. Best friends that you used to be so open with about all your problems, that now can't even carry the most basic of conversations.....?

[snowgirl]

You need to be more specific here. Why don't you think you can talk to your friend anymore? Why are you worse off than you thought you were? What does this have to do with your past?

 

To an outsider, your question doesn't make any sense, so to get some help, you need to give us more details, okay?

[smallworld]

Geng, I've been in your shoes and can understand why you're avoiding your friends. Considering your circumstances, your depression is completely normal. I did the same thing you're doing (avoidance) and lost several friends because of it. When I lost those friends, it wasn't because of the problems in my life, but because they felt hurt/disrespected when I avoided them.

 

From a previous post it sounds like you don't like the idea of going to therapy (or antidepressants either), but I really believe therapy (cognitive behavioral, not psychotherapy) would help you rethink your situation in a more forgiving light. Situational depression doesn't take very long to work through. You'd probably need no more than 4-8 sessions. And if you consider the costs of constantly living with shame and depression, therapy actually seems cost effective.

 

If that doesn't interest you, you might consider joining a job club. Often times the best medicine is getting support and understanding from others who are dealing with the same problems we are. You're not alone Geng. If you need an "ear", PM me. I'll listen.

[geng2]

sorry, i knew it wasn't very clear.... i'm just going through some hard times right now talking to people. the gist of my situations is that I left my gf about a year and a half ago because i felt she was foolin around with one of my closest friends, so i cut both of them off. tried to socialize afterwards then my dad died. Still trying to come to terms withe the break up and my friend, then my dad, my career took a nosedive.

 

I've pretty much been a hermit ever since. rarely go out. my social skills have hit rock bottom. want to date and meet new people but i can't even keep a normal conversation with my best of friends anymore....

[geng2]

i guess i'm having one of those really bad days that i thought i've left behind long ago

[smallworld]

I've pretty much been a hermit ever since. rarely go out. my social skills have hit rock bottom. want to date and meet new people but i can't even keep a normal conversation with my best of friends anymore....

 

Hey Geng, I'm PM'd you, but I thought I'd post this in case someone else needs the info.

 

Yes I've been to therapy twice and I'm darn proud of it. It's helped make me become the compassionate, understanding person I am today. Before I tried it the first time, I assumed the same things about therapy that you do: It's for weak people. It's embarrassing to tell your problems to a stranger and possibly being judged etc. But the reality of therapy is very different.

 

Therapy is really about getting a life coach, an unbiased 3rd party who hears you out and helps point out the potential "traps" (fallacies) in your thinking that keep you from resolving your own problems. You see all "problems" are really mistakes in thinking, where we get trapped by some false idea of how we think things should be. When you get stuck on "shoulds", it's practically impossible to move forward until you change the way you think about the problem.

 

I've had two different types of therapy: psychotherapy and cognitive behavioral. Psychotherapy was ok (just being heard by someone is therapeutic), but I felt it was a waste of time to talk about what happened in my childhood when my problems didn't have much to do with that. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is all about helping you figure out the CURRENT errors in your thinking and then offering you concrete, practical solutions to resolving your own problems. A good CBT therapist helps you figure out what YOU want to do about a problem. A good CBT therapist encourages you to think for yourself, not become dependent on them for guidance. This is why I said you might be surprised by how quickly you resolve your issues with the help of a professional.

 

I know this will sound pat and ridiculous to you right now, BUT YOU WILL GET PAST THIS AND YOU WILL BE JUST FINE. But you need to make a decision. What's more important? Your pride or your happiness?

 

Making friends isn't that hard if you're happy, confident in who you are, and able to trust others. But if you're still dealing with old emotional baggage, socializing is difficult because you can't be open to whoever is standing in front of you. The baggage keeps you from seeing and getting to know the "real" people that you're attempting to interact with. You need to get rid of the baggage! The problem is baggage is hard to get rid of if you can't talk to your friends and/or refuse to talk a professional. You need a fresh new perspective on the way you've been approaching your problems in order to get past them.

 

This is a bit of a leap, but if you go to therapy, I think you'll quickly realize that your reluctance to socialize has more to do with trust issues with yourself vs. other people. Let me explain. When someone is betrayed by not only a girlfriend, but one's best friend, it's incredibly upsetting because it makes you realize that two of the people you trusted most abused your trust. It makes you question your own ability to discern who's trustworthy and who's not. And until you dissect the past and examine where you may have overlooked the warning signs they gave you, you're not likely to trust yourself or (anyone else again).