I think I'm stronger now

[lakergal]

Have been going to the health club for months now - since our breakup... he knows this.

 

For months he's not been there (we broke up 3 months ago, but we were together about a month ago and then busted him 4 days later with someone else)... and tonight?

 

He's at the club...

 

Wondered if I should go in - was I strong enough to face him? Was I strong enough to not shed a tear if I ran smack dab into him? Could I deal with it?

 

I went in (gold star for me!).. saw that he was swimming... scampered up the stairs to the machine area... and when I got done with weights and machines he was still there... now I wondered with who...

 

As it turns out - no one... then he left and as he drove through the parking lot he slowed by my car... he knew I was there.

 

So my question is: why the pain of seeing him again? I loved him. I gave him everything I had - emotionally, physically, financially... BUT

 

I want to be with my best friend... the one that has, for 15 years, made me smile, made me laugh, let me sob on his shoulder, healed my hurts, stuck by my side... and loved me even though the words have never been spoken.

 

This past weekend that friend and I were at a concert (go Martin Zellar!!)... when we returned home, his family business was ablaze (no one hurt but the fire was immense)... and I knew when I gave him a hug for the night (I stayed for a few hours to help the family, talk to the firemen), he gave me the best hug back...

 

So, why does seeing the idiot hurt???

[workaholic]

i can see great things happening between you and your friend in the future..

And don't worry about the idiot..he'll fade away once your friend or another male friend brightens up your life.

 

Peace!

[smallworld]

and I knew when I gave him a hug for the night (I stayed for a few hours to help the family, talk to the firemen), he gave me the best hug back...

 

Woohoo Lakergal! 8) I knew this was a ongoing story.

 

So, why does seeing the idiot hurt???

Just my two cents: link removed

[lakergal]

Small - the friend and I saga has been ongoing for 15 (!) or so years... and I'm sure it will continue... I know, by his actions, he loves me... I can sit and tell stories for hours about the kind things, compassionate things he has done for and with me... stories about our adventures together... stories where I likewise have tried to be there for him (his beloved grandfather's passing, and other events like that)...

 

As for my filthy ex, I read your link - I'm lucky I'm not suicidal and I'm not obsessing over my ex - - - most times I don't think of him at all with good thoughts only the trash that he did to me...

 

Tonight tho - it was weird... he hasn't gone to the health club in months (years) ... it was one of those places I felt "safe" - that he'd never show up there...

[smallworld]

Lakergirl, I know you're not obsessing or suicidal. I just thought that post would give you some insight as to why seeing your Ex might still hurt even though you no longer want him in your life.

 

Ah you mentioned the word "safe." Now it all makes sense. He invaded one of your sanctuaries. Good luck with the friend. It sounds promising!

[lakergal]

Invaded is a good word!

 

In another forum when I wrote the below, they warned that he'd probably try to contact me... that they thought there was a very good chance he'd try to either get me back, or get back at me...

 

So, anyway, I sent this to him about 3 weeks ago... BTW? The knees that were injured when he threw me to the concrete whilst calling me a f/n female dog? It's STILL not healed!!!

=============================

I read your post on KotWR boards... It disgusted me, not that you care or ever did.

 

You talk about RL on there and your lack of energy as if it was my fault. Please don't start with that "I own my share of the responsibility…" you don't, you never have. It's all lip service paid as part of your manipulation.

 

Honestly... the three last significant women (well, four if you count Jackie) in your life are all in counseling because of the emotional, physical, mental abuse suffered at your hands. In fact, it's called "emotional rape." I imagine the "raping" is draining, hmmm?

 

I'm sure you'll show this to Tesla (hi Tesla).

 

Wanda put up with more than I could ever imagine... Linda, Glenda, Cindy... and I wondered why she got so angry with you... I don't anymore. I imagine she, like me, was willing to do almost anything to make you happy. But she couldn't, you're not able to be happy or content. I imagine when she'd had the last of her dignity stripped away by you, she lost control. I imagine when she lost the last bastion of self respect because of you, she lost control.

 

Cindy and Wendy... wonder what you put that one through. Don't bother trying to explain... I know... trust me, I've been told more than I cared to hear.

 

 

You twisted, rationalized, and justified your actions with those two to me. I bought it all.

 

 

And now, there's me.

 

 

 

I came to our relationship a very healthy, independent woman. I fell hook, line and sinker for your lies and deceit... your charm, your wit, your helpfulness, your everything. God I loved you. But everything you said, everything you did, everything you said you felt, it was all a mirage.

 

 

 

Once you "had" me you changed. I remember the first time, 3 weeks into dating you, you whipped that wrist guard at Garret and I swearing like a trucker (rhymes with what you called us). But you called and apologized and were so damn charming and sounded so sincere and said you were so sorry you'd behaved like that. It was the first sign of what was to come, wasn't it?

 

 

 

I was stupid to stay - that disgusts me. I remember looking up narcissism in July of '03 while working at Honeywell... it fit you to a "t"... but I wanted to believe you, and believe in you… and still did until you showed your true nature 4 weeks ago. How long did you exactly lead me on? Years? Did you ever really love me? No… I don't think you ever did.

 

 

 

You all but cheated on me. What you do and did with Tesla is a precursor to cheating. You never understood that. When you rely on another female for relationship advice who is not a licensed counselor, who doesn't bother to find out BOTH sides of the relationship, you are inviting dissension into your relationship. And you did. That relationship was too close.

 

 

 

You loved mentioning the other women - Linda sending you chocolates, Wendy still emailing you, Jill, Cindy, et al and if you didn't mention them by name you did as much in other ways. As my counselor says, you wanted me off balance... it's what predators do.

 

 

 

When you go to another female for comfort whilst still in a relationship you are disintegrating the one you have and could have rebuilt… harm's way.

 

 

 

You are justifying, rationalizing, and blaming us for the end of KotWR. And ironically, you're using your sadness with our ending as a reason to get the guild to feel badly for you even though it was you and your lack of treating ME with the respect, dignity, and kindness that you demanded of your guildies that really unraveled us. What great manipulation!

 

 

 

You blame me, and rationalize and justify, why we were failing. Instead of looking inward, you look to others. I imagine it's too painful for you to take a good long look at yourself and inward. Ian, it is painful for everyone to look inward at themselves but in order to grow and change, we must.

 

 

 

Your hatred of women… that came long before me, long before Wendy, and long before Wanda.

 

 

 

That is not fair to me, but then I don't expect you to be fair. You weren't to Wanda, you weren't to Wendy, and 4 weeks ago, I found out you weren't to me either.

 

 

 

The police called you a sociopath, my counselor calls you a psychopathic liar, psychopathic charmer, and worse - a danger to himself and to the society in which he - get this - preys. He's just "wired wrong" they said.

 

 

 

You are a predator. You prey on loving individuals who have great capacity to forgive and understand the misguided and insensitive nature you truly exhibit. They have the great capacity to try and help you through your issues relating to your childhood... yes, I believe as we all have, your issues come from childhood...

 

 

 

In blaming me for anything, or Wendy, or Wanda, you lack the ability and capacity to grow yourself. You lack the ability to change the hidden evil ways inside your head... and at this late stage of your life, I'm not sure you can without a lot of help.

 

 

 

Until four weeks ago, I still believed in you and the good I saw in your heart... that mirage I fell in love with 2 years ago.

 

 

 

Mirages fade into reality.

 

 

 

Batman Begins has a line that had me in tears today – unfortunately, the love I felt for that mirage, never faded

 

 

 

"It's not the man's heart underneath that defines him, but his actions, that do."

 

 

 

Sadly, your actions continue to define something that is twisted and sick. Each and every time you've had the opportunity to change your twisted and sick course, you choose not to. Each and every time you've had the opportunity to have real love in your life, you've chosen to chase hormones and something that treats you as poorly as you feel about yourself.

 

 

 

The women who treat you like absolute garbage are the ones you really want... how sick and twisted is that? If they cheat on you, you're dying to get them to love you. If they throw you away again and again, you chase harder. How sick is that?

 

 

 

When someone actually cares about you, actually tries to help you, actually tries to do things for and with you, you throw them away. Repetitively, you've done this. Honestly, you can't get back at your childhood by hurting adult women. You just end up hurting the women again and again.

 

 

 

I loved you with all my heart. You led me on for over a year and a half. You twisted something good into something else. You gave everything for a game and then when we had a chance to get back what we had, you threw me out like yesterday's trash (my knees are still healing) and then have the audacity to blame me for a deteriorating relationship in the game that caused the issue in the first place.

 

 

 

But that's what a con man does - he weaves his lies, and his deceit, and his charm into a package that's irresistible. He hunts, chases, kills, feasts, and gorges himself on his victim. It's all part of the game you play in RL and unfortunately, your last prey was me. And unfortunately, your last gorge was my heart.

 

 

 

It is not the man's heart underneath that defines, but his actions on the surface.

 

 

 

You kept saying you're so screwed up… Ian, I mean this in no mean spirited way, but you truly are screwed up… and I must be too for still caring about you.

 

 

 

I will never forgive you for the abuse… of me and of Garret. I was not trying to see Tesla that day – I didn't care about her. I wanted to talk to you inside rather than out… but in doing so I did find out your true nature… and unfortunately, so did both of my knees. The one is infected. Hard to do when one "trips," but that was another twist and rationalization.

 

 

 

My greatest sadness is not for Garret and I, not for the women you will prey on next, or even for your kids – whom you should know I will miss forever. My greatest sadness is that you will never know peace within. You will never understand what true love is because you can't accept it. You mistake lust for love, and adrenaline rush for need.

 

 

 

I fell in love with the mirage you gave me for the first month or so. For the next 2 years I kept hoping, waiting, anticipating that mirage would come back. It never did, because it can't… that mirage of a person you presented never existed. Just as I'm not responsible for your issues now, I was not responsible for you being the "new Ian" as you liked to say. Just as Tesla is not responsible for your happiness, she likewise isn't responsible for your anger, angst, etc. You are.

 

 

 

No person can make you happy. They can satisfy your lust. They can satisfy your need to conquer, "kill", feast and gorge, but not make you happy in the long run.

 

 

 

I saw an old friend the other day… he was saddened to see what a shell I turned into. I told him

 

 

 

how many times you'd called me a "beeping" B for something minor,

 

 

 

how many times you'd shoved me off a chair because I failed to execute something in game (!),

 

 

 

how many times you kicked, shoved, pushed, and/or thrown a chair, mouse pad or other items because of the game,

 

 

 

how many times you'd pounded your fists on the desk because of the game,

 

 

 

how many times you'd sworn at Garret and I because we interrupted your pvp,

 

 

 

how many times you'd tackled/pushed/shoved me around because of the game,

 

 

 

how many times you mentioned other women and their contacting you,

 

 

 

and how many times you came uncorked on Garret.

 

 

 

And you have the audacity to blame me for those actions. You have the audacity to blame me for the disintegration of our relationship. And you have the audacity to manipulate and project your evil ways onto others.

 

 

 

It is sad that it took me 2 years to understand why Wanda never dated again… she gave everything she had for a man she too, believed in. She gave everything and more to give her kids a home with two parents. She gave everything she had to try and help you but in the end, you didn't care about her, or your kids… you only care(d) about yourself.

 

 

 

She deserved better. Your kids deserve better now. I deserved better too. The physical scars of what you did will hopefully fade but the emotional and mental battering we've all taken can never be fully repaired.

 

 

 

It's like the tissue paper one uses inside a present. It comes out of the paper packaging in perfect form without any creases. Once the paper packaging is removed and the tissue crinkled to use in present, it can never be that perfectly smooth again.

 

 

 

It's how one deals with the "crinkles" that makes a life, not the smooth. I pray you learn to work with the crinkles.

 

 

 

As I said in a post in another forum, I still pray for you. I pray that you get help and that someday you see the wickedness you disburse on women. I pray that you solve the demons in your head that cause you such hatred of women underneath so that you may know real peace and real joy, not just the adrenaline rush of lust. I pray for you so that I myself don't fall into the pit of misery and despair you so fall into yourself.

 

 

 

I pray for you because it's the only thing I have left to give you. You took everything else... and sadly, even by me writing this, you still get to feast and gorge on my heart.

 

 

If you've had the decency to read this far, thank you. I don't think I will ever love again. I don't think I will ever trust someone like I trusted you, not to hurt me.

 

 

You win, Ian. You've destroyed yet another person's life. Sadly, I doubt that brings you the serenity you so desire from within.

 

 

Your actions define you, not your heart.

[Echo]

Lakergal....wow, I read your last post ..and that guy sounds exactly like a guy I dated about 10 years ago!!! I "dated" him about four months..if you wanna call it dating. Same description...the guy could play you like a violin...with his charm, wit, good looks, humor...etc...

I too fell hook line and sinker for his b.s. . come to find out at the time he was dating TWO other women from where we worked!!! Oh he tried to weasel out of it...of course it was NEVER HIS fault. These women were

"crazy" and wouldn't leave him alone. Ha!!! Just makes me wonder what he said about me to them. Oh......then after a lot of digging I found out it was a pattern of his...and had actually been seeing countless women from where we worked. I only found out because I got sick of his b.s. lies and followed him one night....and surprise!!! Someone else was at his house (which he had lied about where he lived) ..gee..wonder why???

I know exactly how you feel....REALLY REALLY stupid and naive!! It took me months to get over the humiliation. I quit my job, and eventually moved out of state. Yep..it was THAT bad. I pity the poor women still believing his crap.

Lakergal, these kind of guys are exactly like men who beat women. They NEVER EVER change. Stay far far away from him, he will slowly destroy you inside...but it's a slow death because the way these guys play you is like a cancer...it is slow but it erodes you to the core.

You seem to be doing good...if it's possible try to avoid this guy. He really IS a sick person, and NO one can save him!!!

Stay strong and keep working out