This is a tough one...please help

[jak34232002]

So, I have known this girl for over 3 years. We've had an on-and-off relationship with many many intense moments. In a nusthell, this girl fell in love with me when she first met me 3 years ago. I was not "in love" with her immediately, as she was with me, but I still cared deeply for her. This caring eventually blossomed into love, and yes I fell in love with her a long time ago. We have never lived in the same city, but somehow we have kept our connection alive over the past 3 years. We both have been involved with other people on-and-off too over this span of 3 years, but we still have maintained our connection to each other.

I wrote to her in January that I was in love with her, but at that point she was not ready to hear that from me, and I think she perhaps doubted my sincerity for various reasons. But I was being honest, it's just now that I realize that I was too emotionally available at that point. She was not ready to hear that from me.

So, now here I am. We had ourt first real argument last month. She told me she has a new boyfriend. I have been trying to see her since March to tell her to her face that I am in love with her. Which I am, with all of my heart. She has never heard me tell this to her...she has read it in my writings to her, but never heard me say the words. So now, I realize that I cannot see her. She seems to be keeping me at a distance. I have tried to see her, but it just isn't working. So now I have come to the point where I need to tell her that I love her, and the only way I can do this (so she will actually hear me say it) is over the telephone. I do not want to do it this way, but I have no choice anymore. She has to know how I feel and she has to hear me.

Is it "cheap" to express this feeling through words over the telephone? I need to know from a woman's perspective. I don't care about anything except telling her how I feel. And yes, I can handle anything she has to say. I don't expect an "I love you too" back from her, nor do I expect her to come running into my arms. I am realistic, but I need to get this out, and writing it to her just doesn't seem to do it anymore.

Any advice here anyone?

Thank you in advance.

[questionable]

Hello jak34232002,

 

Some part of that message appeared to come accross as a little too idealistic, I'm all for being hopeful, but what do you think you will achieve by telling her you love her, through your voice into her ears?

 

Unfortunately, at some point she was in love with you, but you wern't in love with her at the same time, and after all the waiting and pining she probably did for you, this girl must have needed a little more acknowledgement than you knew to give and just ran out of patience.

 

I don't have much advice to give, but sometimes it's better to have loved and lost, this is a lesson for you to learn, love is to be loved, cherish what you have when you have it or you will indeed loose it..

 

It's hard, but you will get something out of it if you call her or if you don't. I'm afraid if you call her you might just be setting yourself up for heart break.. After all, she is keeping her distance, and has found a new love in her life..

 

 

 

Good luck, be strong, think positive, learn, and breathe deep.

[jak34232002]

I can handle the rejection. I've seen a lot with her. Just feel that it is important to tell her how I feel. I don't expect anything from her at all. Like I said, we have been thorugh a lot. She comes so close to me and then always backs away at the last minute. Always.

The only thing I want to achieve is for her to hear me tell her that I love her. I have no hidden or selfish motives here.

[smallworld]

Jak, If you feel the need to tell her, tell her. It's not any "cheaper" in meaning just because you say it over the phone vs. in person. Just be careful. It sounds like she may not be open to hearing those words at this time.

[jak34232002]

she called me last night, and I told her straight up. I was as

cool and calm about it as I could be. We talked for a little bit

(good/fun conversation) about regular stuff before I let her hear how

I felt. I didn't put any pressure on her to say anything though. She

said, Wow, I'm flattered. And then I asked her if she knew how I felt,

and she said 'No.' I told her she didn't need to say anything, just

that it was important for her to hear from me what I felt for her. I

said more, but I won't go into detail. I then ended the conversation

and told her that I said what I needed to say and then we said

goodbye.

I didn't want to draw anything out, and make it a long twisting

conversation; I was straight up and I didn't hesitate in any of my

words to her. I felt good and a lot of relief after I hung up because

my whole objective was just to get it out to her for her to hear.

Anyway, somewhat intense. That was the first time I have ever said

that to another girl without the girl/relationship situation placing

pressure on me to say those words.

In the end I don't care anymore how she reacts; all I cared about was

telling her, and that's enough for me.

Obviously, I can't contact her now? I have no idea what to expect from this? Nothing? Will she react?

[arwen]

Hey jak,

 

I can understand your need to express these feelings to her. In fact, I think you need to tell people you love them, and sometimes risk it being not mutual-- or not the time.

 

It's up to her now. In your English saying: the ball is in her court now. Leave her alone to 'swallow' this, if you will start contacting her now, I can pretty much assure you she will feel claimed, and run away.

 

I find this difficult to tell you, because it might not be what you want to hear, but her saying "I'm flattered" would to me mean that she is really not into a relationship with you.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[jak34232002]

yes. the i'm flattered statement made me make the same thing; her way of saying, not interested.

she has never been good about expressing her feelinngs in the past and has continually withdrawn and dodges issues all the time with me but then when i make a move and don't contact her she shows up again.

keep in mind she is 22 years old, but i don't know if that makes a difference?

[Tsunami]

I think that if she is keeping her distance it's because she is frightened. She obviously doesn't feel confident that you love her, and the very thought you could, probably tears her emotions apart. This boyfriend could be her way of trying to move on, she probably thinks you won't ever love her. Now that you are confronting her with a love that (in her eyes) could be untrue, she is frightened to trust you with her emotions incase you don't actully love her.

 

Please, someone nutshell that one for me and say what im trying to say *gives up* english skills deffinately aren't my strong point!

[elveden]

Confidence. Needed. Her.

[jak34232002]

well, it's been a month since i told her sincerely that i loved her with no contact since. so yesterday she calls me. she doesn't go into anything heavy, we just talk and i make her laugh and i play it cool and calm and in control. it was about a 40 minute conversation, but the only thing that was re-established was communication. she initiated it. she didn't say anything heavy though, it was just a good fun conversation. her tone was light hearted and giggly and happy.

i was also the one who ended the conversation and told her that if she wanted to meet just let me know, if not no big deal.

i don't know if she was calling me to tell me something important or not? why didn't she if she was?

or was she just feeling me out?

i mean how can she just call me like that a few weeks after i told her that i was in love with her and not say anything?

my only plan is to do nothing. i will not be desperate and i will not beg. My feeling is that this part has to be all her with no coaxing from me? Anyone have any advice? i would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

J