momma's boy - his mom lied about me and he believes her!

[bear320]

I've been dating this guy for about 6 months now and it's been absolutely wonderful - we had tons of fun together, never had a disagreement, very respectful, sweet, etc. etc. Then, his mom came into town. She came for a weekend and decided to stay for a week to "housesit" while he and I went away for my birthday. On the day that we were leaving for this trip, I volunteered to pick up the dog and take him to the dogsitter while my b/f was at work, b/c his mom had a bad shoulder and the dog tends to pull on his leash. I showed up, said hi, asked what needed to go with the dog, put it all in my car, said "see you in a bit" and left. I was in a great mood, cheerful, excited for the weekend trip. I took the dog, came back, helped his mom make some salads, and we all had a nice, pleasant lunch together before he and I set off for the beach.

 

When we got back from our trip, I got a distinctively bad vibe from his mom. After I had gone back to my place, she apparently told him that some of my behaviors during that five-minute dog interaction had concerned her. He asked me about it, I was of course shocked and upset, and we decided it must have been a huge misunderstanding. I asked what I should do (talk to his mom about it, etc.), and he said "don't do anything, I'll take care of it."

 

Fast forward two days, he calls me on the phone and very nastily says "I gave you two days, you didn't do anything, I can't believe you're lying to me and won't admit what you did to my mom, you have a serious problem, it's over." Through my shock, I managed to ask what, exactly, was such a problem. He seemed appalled that I didn't know, but finally told me that his mom claims that I pushed and shoved her several times, ripped items from her hands, swore at her, then stormed out of the house!!!! She told him that I am "aggressive" and that she is "trained" to spot these behaviors, and I clearly have a problem. In fact, maybe I'm denying it b/c my problem is so severe that I don't even remember what I do!

 

This is the most absurd accusation I have ever heard. I am the most laid-back, mild-mannered person you will ever meet. Every friend and family member I have shared this with has laughed hysterically at the very idea of me ever being aggressive. In fact, I often don't even stand up for myself when I should b/c I hate confrontation. Additionally, her "training" that makes her so sure I have a problem was a brief stint as a drug and alcohol counselor 25 years ago. I am a currently certified and very successful mental health professional who recently completed a rigorous graduate program. I work every day w/ a variety of other trained mental health professionals who give me nothing but rave reviews. Wouldn't you think one of these people would have spotted such a serious "problem"?

 

I am completely shell-shocked by this entire situation. I have never experienced anything like this before, and I honestly never had any indication of potential problems with this relationship. Overnight he went from "I love you, I'm the luckiest man in the world" to "You're crazy and lying and I don't ever want to see you again." I tried contacting his mom directly to discuss this and she won't even return my calls! I need advice -- how do I handle this?? I don't want to perpetuate this whole crazy myth by continuing to call, but I also can't stand the thought of having such malicious lies spread about me. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated!

[bellamcb]

God. What an unusual thing to have happen. It sounds like the mother is nuts and I don't think going through her to straighten this out is going to get you anywhere. I think you should try to talk to your boyfriend and tell him what really happened and perhaps even ask if his mom has ever made something up before because this is so ridiculous. For her to do this, I'm doubting it's the first time. Meaning, it is so crazy there must be other events or experiences he's had that would suggest to him that she is capable of this.

 

If not, then I am at a loss. It's completely insane and to suggest that the problem is so severe that you blocked it is assanine. What's the message there? you've gone 25 years being a productive, health, normal and successful member of society but hidden behind it all is this aggressive freak who hits old ladies? If he doesn't believe you then honestly, he's not worth the time because his mom will ALWAYS be a problem and that would stink. You don't want her being the grandmother to your kids someday much less in your life forever and ever.

 

Good luck!

[Blurr]

Yes, that is quite a bizarre situation. A classic example of an overly protective mom. But the problem is, she had no reason to be so protective. From what you said, you did nothing to prompt such rash behavior or lies from her.

 

It's quite obvious she is unstable and is the type of person who meddles in her son's life, either because she enjoys it or has such a miserable one herself.

 

As bellamcb mentioned, try talking some sense into your boyfriend. You figure after 6 months he would know what type of person you are and not let one little chat from his mom convince her otherwise. I shudder to think that she may have even bruised herself up to provide 'evidence' to him.

 

If he doesn't believe you then it's really not worth your time, as it has already been mentioned, it would just be the first in a long string of incidents from a very unstable individual. You are a strong, good person and you deserve better than to be falsely accused and demonized for something that never even happened.

[bellamcb]

You know, another thought is this: If that HAD happened, wouldn't she have said something earlier? Like right away? If you shoved her etc., then she would have been inclined to not let her son go away with you then. Instead she had a week to think of some reason not to like you and make your son see it through her eyes. Perhaps she saw how much he cares and realized it might be serious, threatening her relationship with him.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I know exactly where you're coming from. My ex of 6 months broke up with me because her mom told her I hit her a week before she left me. Here's the kicker, I hadn't even seen her mom for a month prior to the breakup. Logically, it didn't make sense, but try telling that to my ex. She, like your ex, will believe everything her mom tells her. It sure isn't fair, that's for sure, but from my experience, there's nothing that really can be done. You know you're sane and that she's unstable and that your ex is emotionally dependant on his mommy. If anything, take heart knowing that you did nothing wrong.

 

Honestly, I think she did what she did for the same reason my ex's mom accussed me of hitting her. She saw how attached your ex was to you, felt threatened by it, and did what she could to break you two up so that she wouldn't "lose" her son.

[OceanEyes]

What I don't understand, is wouldn't your boyfriend think, "well, how could we just sit and have a normal lunch if my girlfriend tried to rough up my mom?" Give me a break! This woman has it in for you, which is baaaad news if he's a momma's boy. This old boot will always be in the picture - YIKES.

 

Your boyfriend should know you well enough to say NO WAY, she would never do that. Perhaps there is more to this story than you're aware of.

[bear320]

Thanks for all of the advice so far! A few other relevant points:

 

1) his mom has also rounded up his older sister to back up her lies. (side note, the older sister is 35, single, and still lives at home w/mommy, so clearly she's very adept at controlling all of her children). The sister claims she's also seen evidence of "concerning" behavior, which makes it 2 against 1...no matter than the 1 is telling the truth.

 

2) I tried to gently broach the subject of whether perhaps they weren't used to another woman being so prominent in his life, and even went so far as to say "Is she afraid of someone stealing her little boy?" He swears that she has never done anything like this before. I think that either she has been able to quietly scare away other girls without having to directly involve him, or that she felt extremely threatened by me b/c she saw how close we were getting and quickly figured out that I'm not someone who she could control.

 

And finally, 3) when I asked why this wasn't brought up immediately if it was so concerning, why we had such a nice, normal lunch, and why she would send him off on a trip with me if I was such an aggressive maniac, his response was "I don't remember what she said, but it seemed like a rational response at the time." Come on!!!

 

I know that I am probably lucky to have found all of this out now, because this is clearly not a mother-in-law who I want to deal with for the rest of my life. And if he could so easily believe such things about me then we obviously weren't doing what I thought we were, and he is completely spineless to allow himself to be manipulated like this. It is just such a heartbreaking situation b/c everything was so great up until this happened. I also really believe that he's a good person at heart, adn wish that I could make him realize that he needs to stop letting his mom control his life if he wants to be happy. But, I suppose you can't help everyone.