mixed messages with LDR's

[IWOKEUP]

Hi,

It's been a while since my last posting. My first LDR was an abysmal failure. I swore never to go into another again.

 

As fate would have it, I did meet someone else in a chat room who lived thousands of miles away and I was adamant I wasn't into the pain and effort all over again. I even explained why this was redundant and why LDR's are so iffy. He was persistent, open and communicative and over some considerable time, convinced me he was sincere.

 

He said he was looking or a serious relationship that would end in marriage. He also said I was the closest thing he has ever found in all the qualities he wanted in a woman. Funnily enough, I felt the same.

 

We ended up talking everyday and using a webcam for over a year and a half. I finally had had enough and had the opportunity to meet him and get a vacation.

 

We met and he proceeded to send me mixed messages all week. One minute he was cold or used friends, phone or other things as buffers to avoid intimacy. On the other hand, he introduced me to his family and told me it was a big deal for him to do that. I also noticed that his phone/text messages went off all times of the day and night.

 

His friends informed me he was a shy guy, very serious but was very connected to the net and his phone. No kidding, it went off at 2:00 a.m.

 

The long and short of this is, some people (not all) use the internet, phones as a fantasy without commitment to idealize people without taking the other's feelings into account. Projecting, expressing and bonding on the phone is great, but without true plans and slow but progressive action-based discussion after the first three months will scream RUN! Trust me on this.

 

Words are wonderful but can also be cheap. Using work, life or outside problems as an excuse not to fully commit and meet you can spell disaster. If someone wants to be with you? meet you? spend time with you? prove that they are who they are and are careful and realistic about your relationship will show you.

 

Anyone can basically say anything to feed one's ego. We all want to believe we are cherished etc. but the cost for some long distance relationship/internet addicts is the price of a phone call....nothing more.

 

I am aware that some relationships can and do work out but be warned, if one partner is doing all the phoning and the other calls when it suits them or finds excuses not to meet after they have won you, it's time to pack your bags and move on. I wish I did. Would have saved me a lot of grief.

 

PS....I've been back three weeks and he didn't call me once. Yeah, that's love.

[Blurr]

Sorry to hear you've had such bad luck with LDR's. I also have had my share of heartbreaks thanks to internet LDR's. Thats why I've chosen to no longer participate in them myself and actually start seeking someone in real life.

 

I remember when I was younger a lot of my friends were so obsessed with the internet they would spend almost every waking moment on there. Several had internet flings which seemed more real to them than their actual friendships.

 

Thankfully they, and myself, grew out of it and started to live our lives away from this blasted thing. It's funny that you mention the phone and internet as a fantasy. I've said before that if I'm talking to my signifcant other, I prefer to do so in real life...I find the emotional barrier and shield that the internet/phone provide are too insular and leave too much to misinterpretation.

 

I wish you luck in your future relationships and hope you find someone that you can truly connect with

[Dannysgirl]

I'm sorry you've had such an awful time with this LDR. My experience has been just the opposite.

 

I met Danny (now my husband) on a message board. Neither of us were looking for any type of a relationship at the time, I was just coming out of a relationship with a total psycho as was he. We got chatting at found we had a lot in common and a very similar sense of humour.

 

Slowly over the course of four months of escalating emails and phonecalls we fell in love and decided to meet. He flew in to Dublin airport where we met for the first time on December 2nd 2003. We married on December 22nd of last year. I truly could not wish for better. I think that getting to know each other on the inside slowly over that period of time without the physical attraction getting in the way (which was electric when we actually met, he's gorgeous! ) has been a very good basis for our relationship as we have a deep understanding of eachother and I think we really appreciate each other more as a result of the agony of being apart. Having beeen together and very happily married for six months now neither of us could fsthom being apart for even one day now.

 

Don't get me wrong, it has not been all roses the whole way. While we were apart we had terrible arguments mostly due misunderstandings caused by not being able to get your tone accross on IM. However these disagreements made us a lot stronger and gave us a better understanding of each other in the long term.

 

I used to think that people who hooked up online were really sad and that they were 'obviously desperate' because they if they needed to get online to find love then they clearly couldn't find it in the normal way. I cringe when I think about the way that I used to ridicule internet relationships.

I had never had any other type of internet thing before this one so I suppose the lesson there is don't knock it till you've tried it!

 

All I can say is thankgod for the net because if wasn't for that we would never have met and there is no thought that scares me more than that.

 

Best of luck in the future, I'm sure you'll find that someone probably when you least expect it like I did!

[IWOKEUP]

I am happy for you and that it worked out for you.

 

Notice that it took the two of you to make it happen though. I agree, getting to know someone from the inside out can be liberating. Here's my problem. I begged him not fantasize me, idealize me, say anything he didn't mean, we discussed everything under the sun and more on the phone and to eachother on webcams to pave the way for what was to come. I am more grounded than an ocean floor.

 

My problem? he proceeded to forget everything we ever talked about when we met. I'm not sure if he "wasn't into me" or patently scared out of his whits when too many friends and family members encouraged him. I have no idea as I never got any real answers from him but a whole lot of mixed messages.

 

I just recommend to others that they take stock in time and action. These things can be dragged out for years. One can be feeding their egos whilst the other can be deceived.

 

Good luck to you both!

[BlkLagoon]

I'm going through something similar... and it's very confusing, difficult, and worrisome. I spend hours each day turning the situation over and over in my mind- half of me thinks I should quit, the other half thinks I should keep trying, but to be less available for him. I just don't know.

We'd been very flirty over the net for months, then he came out to visit for 2 weeks in June. The visit was mostly great- except for the mixed signals I did get. He explained he was "trying to protect my feelings" as well as his own by suddenly being stand offish after a long talk about the LDR thing. He admitted on his last day here that it had backfired. When he returned home, he was depressed and missed me, and for another month was very communicative with me- going back to the sexual talk, saying next time it would definitely be better, and he'd give in and not think about it so much (the consequences of missing a person more after you're that intimate). He then recently had a week where he was super busy with work, and communication was less than normal. This break in talking as much made me feel strange, even though I knew it was just work, and I opened up to him- explained feelings were developing, and that the distance was getting harder for me.. but not to change anything. He said he understood, and missed me, too... but that he was just taking it day by day. However, I feel that since I opened up he is backing away... maybe I'm paranoid, but that's how I've felt since then. Don't know that it's his work the last few days but communication is still lower... he's set to come back next month for one week. I'm very afraid he is closing off to me, and that the visit will be another mixed signal thing instead of what he said it would be. I don't know if he's scared or what... I know it's not anything to do with how we relate/attraction.

[Miss M]

BlkLagoon...

When we get "mixed messages" we sometimes are inclined to believe the GOOD part of the "mixture" instead of the BAD. But it's actually the BAD to which we should pay very close attention. Those relationships that are genuinely "good" really don't give us that "mixed" feeling... and if you're feeling "mixed" then you should look at what's causing you to feel that way. Don't rationalize your mixed feelings... don't explain them away. They are trying to tell you something isn't right in this situation.

 

Good luck!

[patience]

I agree that LDRs do not provide us with enough interaction to really know a person, and there is a lot of projection, fantasy, and so on. Sometimes we have to go through an experience more than once before we learn that something just doesn't work for us.

 

It seems that online relationships and LDRs appeal to some people, especially people with intimacy issues.

 

I agree that mixed messages are NOT good...and yes, we should listen to the 'no' part!