Trying to Heal

[blueyes25]

My ex and I have been apart since 6/24. He has his own set of problems that he is trying to work through and cannot be in a relationship and try to fix himself at the same time - he is in therapy etc. He did not cheat on me, he is not seeing anyone else, we are still in love, there were no crazy angry words, or nastiness to each other. The cruel irony of this love is that we decided to let go for the sake of each other's personal growth and development - mainly his...in hopes that there is a possibility of a tomorrow. Sadly, our tomorrow may never come and facing that is being brave enough to love someone enough to let them go. Long story short, I am broken hearted and scared out of my mind to leave him behind. I know I have no choice and that I have to leave this in the hands of the Universe b/c I have no control over the situation. If it was meant to be, we will return. For now, we have to go it alone and although it makes sense, it really doesn't.

 

Anyway, I now find myself frustrated b/c the longest we've gone without contact is 4 days. Yesterday, we had to swap things. I went over and returned them and left. I didn't say a word. It was too painful. I just dropped off the things and left. I will never forget the look on his face as I left - he watched me drive away and I saw him in the rearview mirror. A good-bye letter was in with his things and today I got an IM saying it was one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever done for him. Well, that is how much I love him. I support what he is going through and know this is the way we have to go, but I am struggling. My heart does not understand.

 

So now I have to start all over again - I hate this - I truly hate how I am feeling and am tired of it. I am frustrated b/c it is all so complicated and yet really so simple. He is not here, we are not together, and there are no gaurentees we ever will be again. Time is everything. Everynight I go to sleep in peace, but every morning I awake to thoughts that I do not understand. I go through my days to the best of my ability, but I am constantly aware that a piece is missing. The feeling ebbs and flows - sometimes it is stronger than others, but ever present. It literally wears me out.

 

Why can I not be at peace with this? His choice was not be in this relationship for now in order to fix himself. My choice was to leave it behind b/c I cannot sit and wait on someone else no matter how much I love them. That would kill me as a person and then I would have nothing left to give anyone anyway. I would be full of resentment and bitterness - neither of which are in my character and not who I want to become. So again, I must accept that this is over.

 

The truth is that I still want to be with him. My heart still believes in us, but I know I cannot help him...he will not let me - and I respect the fact that he is trying to get better. The choice not to be together was more his than mine, and either way it is a choice I cannot change.

 

There are no more questions to ask, nothing more to analyze, and nothing to fear. My mind tries to do all of these things anyway and it is frustrating. There is no reason left at all to contact him. I have to let him go and work through himself. Time, time, and time is all I've got. I just feel so frustrated b/c now I have to start over again with NC.

 

I am scared. I am scared of things I can't control and I know that is not logical. I am trying my best to let go. I have acknowledged that the relationship is over. I feel it and am reminded by this nasty feeling everyday. However, I just feel stuck in limbo b/c I still love and there is nothing I can grab onto to make me feel angry or make me feel finality.

 

So here are my questions:

Does that peace just come one day? Do you just wake up and not love and feel that there is finality? How is this all supposed to work? Is time the only answer?

 

Anyones thoughts on healing would be helpful...I am open to anything anyone can provide. I have never experienced something this painful and had no idea it would hurt so much.

[sentencedtoagony]

this sounds almost exactly like what i am going through, except i am in the role of your boyfriend. i really love the girl but i needed some time alone, but now that i want to talk to her, she won't have it. she seems really hurt and has already gone on to another guy within less than a week. phone calls aren't answered, etc. we've known each other for 10 years, btw.

 

sorry, i don't have a lot of advice, but i just wanted to let you know that someone is experiencing something similar. for a second, i almost thought you were her since she has blue eyes and is 25.

[lakergal]

First, I'm sorry he needs this time away to work on himself... how painful for him, for you...

 

Second, I commend you for the mature approach you are taking. Unlike others who seem to pine away, bug, pester, harass, stalk... their ex's you seem to understand the peace and hope of simply, letting things go.

 

As for when the hurt is no longer there... For a period it hurts like the devil and one wonders how on earth they are going to survive... then one day you notice you aren't AS heart broken as you were before... then one day you realize you only thought about them 10 times that day... then one day you realize you hadn't thought about them at all... then one day you pass a car like their's and realize it didn't even cross your mind that it could have been them... then one day... you don't think about them at all.

 

I don't miss my ex anymore - haven't since the fateful day he got caught the last time in more lies and cheating. However, I've wondered when my intense anger will subside... and it has... albeit slowly.

 

Keep doing all the GREAT things you are doing for yourself... I wish more people, including myself sometimes, had the wisdom, restraint and reserve you have shown.

 

Pat yourself on the back - go easy on yourself - and remember, one day at a time!

[blueyes25]

Sentencedtoagony - Thank you for your post...I know I will not be able to move on in a week or 3 weeks, so I am definitely not your girl. However, we should chat. I don't know if you have IM, but I have yahoo and msn IM. Maybe I could help you and you can help me. I'd like to hear more of your story and what it was you were looking for when you needed time etc. It made me feel better just to know someone else was there on the other side.

 

Lakergal - Thank you so much for giving me a pat on the back. It made me feel encouraged. I am trying to be mature and I am trying to do the right thing, but it is hard. Sometimes I want to be a baby and sob and beg and do crazy things...but I never have. It would not change a thing. In fact, it would not honor what we had and it would make things worse. I feel like it would be easier to have had him cheat on me or lie...it's worse b/c there is nothing for me to be mad at him for. I just have to take it day by day I guess and pray it gets better.

 

Thank you both again!

 

A

[lakergal]

Blue - trust me, you never want a boyfriend to cheat/lie to you - the devastation to the self-esteem, confidence, etc is devastated... completely.

 

I had a bf who there was nothing "wrong" with him or me... I had to go my separate way because we were too different - thoughts, backgrounds, interests, financially, career, etc... It did not mean he was less of a person, or that I was - I just needed to find someone better for me or be alone.

 

The break up was not painful for me - and I think after a short time, it was not for him either. We handled it much like you are handling yours, and our self-esteem, confidence, hope, love, and life are not worse for the wear.

 

When I ran into him a few weeks ago, we were able to be friends again - just like we were 10 years ago... he has a GREAT gf that suits him PERFECTLY ...

 

Keep up the great work - you ARE doing the right things - and someday, you'll either be with him again OR you'll be able to be friends with him with a great bf as well... did that make sense?

[lakergal]

BTW - it's okay to cry, sob, and feel bad... that's part of the healing... and the letting go.

 

I truly believe that if we don't cry, and don't let go, we can never really re-attach to them.... or to someone new.

[blueyes25]

Lake - It makes perfect sense. I was only saying that about the cheating thing b/c people keep trying to tell me anger helps, and that I should get angry, but I am not. I just feel sorrow. Also, I do cry and sob and feel bad, but just to him...I feel it would make things harder for us.

 

I wish this was easier b/c we share interests, goals, beliefs, friends, and lots of other things. In fact, he told me that it is not that I am not right for him, but that he is not right with himself. These things I know b/c I've watched him retreat into his owndarkness and it is not pretty. Therapy and such are helping him, but it is so sad. He has to fix himself and does not want to waver in his decision until he feels like he is truly ready. Obviously, he cannot know when that will be and it is not fair for me to wait. There are no gaurentees that everything will work out. We both agreed that if love is strong enough it will survive. I take comfort in that. He says he believes that he loves me that much...but does not want to mislead me in anyway - says he cannot say that this love is strong enough until it proves itself to be - but thinks we have that chance. Does that make any sense?

 

Like I said, so complicated and yet so simple...b/c either way you look at it, the outcome is still the same - he is not here, and we are not together, which means I have to go it alone.

 

I just feel mostly sorrow...thank you for your understanding.

[blueyes25]

....

[ReadyorNot]

Hey, I just wanted to say that its great that you are taking the approach you are... I think you will heal faster the way you are doing it..

 

I was once (back when I was 17) the crazy ex gf, doing crazy things, driving past his house, crying, begging etc etc...

 

And I have also taken the mature approach that you are taking...

 

It feels SOOO MUCH better to be the person you are being now... it gets easier... and you dont end up looking stupid (like I did when I was 17)

 

It took along time for me to get over my ex (the one when I was a crazy psycho)..

[blueyes25]

Thanx for the reply...I just saw you are from Canada...A is from Edmonton, Alberta...you crazy Canadians! Anyway, I know I being mature, but I still don't feel very good at all and I am worried about the whole NC thing...I swear IM is a B!$*#. I need to get it OFF my work computer. Maybe he will realize some things now that I am gone...and I am glad I am not bein' that girl either...I don't want to look back and cringe b/c of some weird thing I did when I was upset...that is usually what stops me b/c I have my moments where I do want to be crazy...but like I keep tellin' myself...it will not solve anything...it will not change the situation.

[ReadyorNot]

I don't want to look back and cringe b/c of some weird thing I did when I was upset....

 

HAHA... so with my ex that I was a crazy psycho with... well we got back together but then broke up when I was 19, so on new years eve I went to a bar that my friends and I often went to, but his band was playing... Oh dear... I thought that if I got plastered before going, that it would be so much better...

 

Yikes... I made a COMPLETE *** of myself.. I am sooooooo totally embarrassed when I think back to that night... honestly, after that night, I made myself very scarse (is this a word)... i didnt want to be face to face with him, his friends or his new gf...

 

This is why when my current bf and I broke up I even blocked his roommate.... we often chatted but I just didnt want to be associated with him at all..

 

 

 

I am from Ontario but my best friend lives in Cold Lake Alberta.. my fiance and I went there in January to visit her and her bf... I wanted to spend more time in Edmonton.. I am so angry that we couldnt... it surely wasnt my fault that we didnt. I may end up living in Edmonton in 1.5 years.. my fiance is just getting into the airforce and Edmonton is one place we could end up.

[blueyes25]

That is hilarious! Well, probably not then, but it is a good story and probably funny to you in hindsight...but I know what you mean...I can't talk to mutual friends right now either and it sucks, but I have to play it safe.

 

Edmonton is beautiful and has a great mall...ha, ha. Anyway, A grew up there and has been in the states since 97'. His family is just getting citizenship here.

 

It's nice to hear you are now engaged...lucky you! See, things do work out for the best. Even hearig that is insprirationl. Maybe this relationship won't matter in hindsight...but right now I can't see beyond it. I think I just have to have more patience with myself.

[Yohji]

Blueyes...i feel your touch, i feel your sincerity...thank you. I read your story at it is much like my own. Although my path began many years ago, the journey is far from over. My story is a novel and a long one to share. I dont want to dishearten you or give you false hope because we each have are own road to travel. I do know by reading your words that you are on the correct path, neither harboring resentment nor disdain; but having compassion and understanding during such a painful time. He was very special to you. Take heart...you will be triumphant. It hurts tremendously now, but eventually you will be able to look inward and realize that you are a loving creature, that he brought out this wonderful side of you; and the pain will no longer be from missing him, but from wanting to share this love with someone else. The challenge here is to not lose your way from this path, but I struggle with this too. Believe that eventually you will find that special person that is worthy of your love...Without love we are nothing. And you never know, my NC turned from weeks to months to years...then suddenly contact again.

[blueyes25]

Thank you so much, Yohji - I really am trying to do the best I can, but I feel so much sorrow and pain - I am crying right now as I write this - it is all just so hard to understand. I keep telling myself I am doing the right thing, but it goes against everything inside of me. I am powerless to change what is happening - so I keep going and praying and hoping that eventually I will get better. It just seems so very far away and I am so overwhelmed.

[blueyes25]

I miss him - I miss him so much and my heart hurts...3 weeks tomorrow - 1 week NC...I am struggling on, but I miss sharing with him. I got a big bonus today and my strategic marketing plan went over well at work...both are things he would be super proud of. He helped me when I was struggling to get a good job...he was there when I was going to thru that ambiguous adjustment period... and he was always there to enourage me to do more...everything is paying off finally...and now he is not here to share in my success - I could have made it thru my hard periods without him, but it was so much easier with him by my side. Now, he is not here to see the fruition of my success and I found myself reaching for the phone...and suddenly remembering that he was not there...talk about painful Also, makes me sad b/c I always leaned on him when I was having a hard time...I never shut him out - and I have to deal with the fact that he shut me out and would not let me stand by him thru his hard times...

 

This sucks!

[C.C.]

Hi Blueyes,

I am sorry that you feel low today. I feel your sorrow and pain. I do, too, want to share with him what I had done at work today. It used to always make him smile when I told him about those little things. It is painful to not be able to share with him. I sometimes wish that I could just tell him that I miss him. He drew a circle that shut me out, but I really hope that one day love and I would draw a bigger circle that takes him in.

 

 

You sound like a very sincere person, and I am sure that he must be thinking of you, too.

 

Hang in there. You are not alone. -C.C.

[blueyes25]

C.C. - You are so sweet! Thank you so much...I feel the same way about being shut out...sometimes love is just not enough...and I am beginning to realize that...it is just really hard. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I hope you are doing ok as well.

[C.C.]

Hi Blue eyes,

 

Hope your evening is a little better sofar. I have been sitting infront of my computer wondering if I should IM him, but I know the answer is no. Let's stay strong!! -C.C.