Please help me to get through the NC

[C.C.]

Hi all. I have previously posted my story on the other place, but after reading some of the threads here, i thought this is probably more suitable for me for what I am hoping to achieve at this moment.

 

I have come to realize what NC really means after reading so many great posts here. It means to bring yourself back instead of thinking to bring your ex back.

 

I know how important and great it will be to do the NC, but it is just so difficult in my situation and to do it alone. I love him so much and will be there for him if he wants to come back to us one day, but I really want to move ahead at this point because I have started to feel unhealthy to keep wanting to bring him back Please help me to get through this. I need your support and advice.

 

Thank you,

C.C.

[Echo]

Hi C.C.

 

I am sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I too am doing NC

on my on/off ex of over five years, after he told me he had slept with someone else a few months ago. It was my decision to do NC...if it were up to him he would have kept things as they were. it makes me wonder how people can be so self centered and selfish.

I get sad about thngs..but then I try to remember all the crappy things he did to me, leading up to this, and that's motivation for me to maintain NC. I also started a training regimine, (started today) and I am going to focus on making myself stronger, not only emotionally but physically. it is great for stress and anxiety. I know a lot of people have a hard time focusing mentally, but working out really does help with your focus. I know I could sit around and boo hoo about him...but all that will do is get my face wet. It won't bring him back, or help ME move on.

An important thing people tend to forget about when going through this..is themselves. YOU are the most important thing now..NOT him or HER.

So if you can be strong enough to focus on YOU for the time being...then that's a start. You can also keep posting here. You might find you're posting less and less. Do whatever it takes to make YOU better...

These people are awesome and know what they are talking about.

Best of luck!!

[C.C.]

Hi Echo,

 

Thank you very much for your input, and I think you are very brave and smart.

 

My problem is that my ex is not seeing anyone at this moment, and he still has feelings and loves me, but didn't think that we are compatible. It is just too much for me to bear to know someone whom I love so much still cares for me but doesn't think that it will work out.

 

I got mix feelings from him lately when he asked if I had anything interesting planned for the weekend, or saying something like when he saw something it just made him think of me. I don't really know how to feel about it, but one thing for sure that I don't want to allow any of these to control my own emotions. I want to be strong, not confused. A Part of me really want to do NC, but I get weak from time to time, and was wondering if I should contact him to see if he would like to get together for the weekend because I have a feeling that he would probably say yes.

 

Any thoughts and advice, please? I am drowning...javascript

 

C.C.

[btbt]

Yeah, NC is really hard and takes a lot of discipline. Maybe give yourself some mental cues. When you find yourself thinking of him or wanting to talk to him, immediately think of something else, like the problems you had in your relationship, or a dream you have of a new and better relationship. Or you can ask a friend to help you out -- when you feel like calling or e-mailing him, call the friend instead. This is kind of like the strategies to get over addiction, which sometimes a relationship is a lot like! Good luck and be strong!

[Echo]

Hi C.C.

 

If you feel like your ex MIGHT still want to pursue things, but he is ambivalent, then it might be a wise move to move AWAY from him for a while. Let him come toward you. It's strange how when you feel someone slipping away , your first instinct is the grab ahold out of fear. That's the worst thing to do. HE is the one who is unsure, so maybe he needs to not be so sure of you. This doesn't mean you cannot talk to him...just make it harder for him to do so. He should be making the effort, not you. Doing NC will help with that, and at the same time give you the distance you need to pull yourself together and focus on things YOU want.

If he calls...let him get your voicemail, and try to pin you down. Just because the phone rings , doesn't mean you have to answer it. Be unavailable the next couple of weeks. He will either miss you and do what he has to to get to you...or he will disregard you...then you will have your answer. Whatever you do....do this for YOU, not for him.

Hope that helps some.

[regret1]

NC is verrrrrrrrrrry hard...I am withdrawing all the time. I have relapse. I have headache. Try to be strong. Just today, I picked up the phone 4 times, I had to slap myself to put it down. It is so hard, when you love someone so much to let them go. This is the first time I have ever loved someone. Yes, I wonder if I could love someone like this ever again. it is scary.

[blueyes25]

You are NOT alone! There are plenty of us going through this crap...and it is not fun and hurts really bad. This is an understatement I am sure.

 

Anyway, just remember that contacting your ex will not change the outcome of the situation you are sitting in. You cannot talk your way out of a break up if it was not your decision in the first place. You onlyhave control over you! Let him miss you, and if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. These are all things I tell myself everyday. Call a friend or check out this site or do whatever you need to do. Just stay away from that phone, IM, Text messaging...whatever.

 

Stay strong, honey...they say it will get easier...I am only 2 1/2 weeks in myself. Everyday without him hurts, but we are not the only ones...and if others can do it...so can we!

 

Take Care

[jaded4x5]

excellent advice NC is soooo freaking hard lol this site is a wondrful place to vent and receive insite.. thanks all of you on here for helping make it a little easier everyday..

[C.C.]

Thank you ladies for all of your inputs! Yes, this site is wonderful.

 

I called my sister who is also my best friend last night instead of IM him. I tried to find 'reasonable reasons for him in terms of why he is still not sure whether he wants to get back to us or not after 2 and a half months. But my sister told me one simple thing which woke me up like a magic. She said that if I keep finding excuses for him, then I will never be able to move on. It is so true!

 

Echo, your thoughts really help me a lot, too. He has once complained while we were dating that I have never asked him to get together. Before I read your post last night, I was thinking to ask him out for the weekend eventhough I am pretty sure that he would agree to, but then what's the point? I have already told him how much I love him and that I will be waiting for him, so the decision is his. The only thing I can do is to control myself and I want to get back to 'normal' again. I told myself that my heart is open for him, but I am not going to allow myself to wait for ever.

 

It is so hard during the daytime, but each night before going to the bed, I feel better for some reason....

 

I hope I am doing the right thing.

 

C.C.

[blueyes25]

Funny b/c I also feel better each night before I go to sleep...I haven't figured this out b/c it seems as though everyone always says nights are the hardest. I think I am so exhausted by my own emotions and trying so hard to make it through each day that by the time I get to the night, I welcome sleep b/c it will take me away from the pain if only for a little while. The nights are when I have my relief. My mornings are the worst b/c I often wake up to random thoughts - and I mean they are there as soon as my eyes open. It is not a pleasant way to start the day and is very frustrating b/c I feel like I have no escape. I am not sure how to fix it.

 

Anyway, just my random thoughts..I wonder if your mornings are bad too.

[C.C.]

Hi Blue Eyes,

 

Funny b/c i just read through your thread before I check this reply. I really feel for you and think we are somehow in the same situation.

 

it is so hard to not know what they are thinking when we know that they still love and have feelings for us. But if i keep analyzing what he says or how he acts toward me after he broke up with me, I will never be able to move on. I think that you are wise for doing what you are doing now. I wish I was this wise when he broke up with me b/c we would probably have had a better chance to be together again. But I don't want to blame myself anymore. What have happened couldn't be erased. I have at least learned a lesson from it.

 

I can totally relate to what you have described here about your nights and mornings. Yes, mornings are always painful to me. Sometimes, i just felt horrible because i didn't know if I could get through another day without talking to him. And yes, IM is the worst thing at this moment because I used to talk to him through it everyday. Not long ago, I told myself that while I was suffering, he was suffering, too, because in both you and my situations we know that our ex still cares very much about us. And I guess that's why it is even more difficult to just let go of it.

 

But I want to concentrate on myself now. I want to be that healthy and optimistic person again. By the way, I found it very helpful to keep a journal to write down just anything you are thinking at that moment. I do it twice a day, and do it outdoors in the park. I usually find peace in my mind afterward.

 

Hope you are doing well today, and that we keep each other up to get through this.

 

C.C.

[blueyes25]

Hello all!

 

I am having a pretty crappy day. I don't know why - it's just been hard today...I am just so sad and I feel like I could cry all day and I have been fighting it because I am at work. Oddly enough, I do not cry often - sometimes even when I feel like it -the tears won't come. For some reason, they decided to show up today.

 

I am so glad others can relate to mornings...I get frustrated b/c it happens as soon as I open my eyes...I don't even have to make a conscious effort to think b/c the thoughts are already there. It makes me sick inside. I too am hoping that it gets better b/c I feel sometimes as though I am thrown back into hell each morning.

 

As far as analyzing..well, I can honestly say that I am not doing much of that anymore - when I catch myself trying to, I try to refocus. My challenge right now is accepting that he is not coming back anytime soon...sorrow, fatigue, and sadness for the loss is what overwhelmes me.

 

Time is the most precious gift we have. I wish I had more words of comfort for you - but I don't. I wish there was a way to feel better faster, but I am not so sure there is.

 

I just try to keep remembering that the reason I hurt so much, is b/c I love so much. I am proud of myself for loving and trying to give him what he needs. I am also proud of myself for trying to take care of me and sticking with my decision and with his. You all should also be proud of yourselves too! It won't take the pain away, but it reminds you of the strength that is in each of us.

 

Take care!

[C.C.]

I don't know if it is a good thing to know from our heart that someone we love so much might one day come back when they are ready and want to. I had been there and kept that hope for more than a month, but it took me to nowhere.

 

It is when I decided to let go of that hope, I start finding little peace to myself. I start eating a little, sleeping a little better, and feeling a lot better to be me. I kept telling my self that I owe it to myself. I cry from time to time, and I feel the sorrow of letting go what could be wonderful. I am constantly fighting with myself. But If I don't let go for now, I will not be able to move on whether he comes back one day or not.

 

It's so hard, but it certainly comfort me a lot to know that I am not the only one who's going through all these pain. Each night, I tell myself that tomorrow will be better. Thanks, everyone!

 

C.C.

[C.C.]

Thanks for your post, Onlyhuman. It really helps to keep a journal. I like writing it outdoor rather than in my place because it allows me to think straight and better. I won't have phone, computer or anything that will enable me to contact my ex. The only things I have at that moment are my own clear thoughts, the sky, and the wind. It is interesting that nature has such great power to help me to calm myself.

 

Hope you would also find it helpful when you start writing your journal.

 

C.C.

[temjin132]

hope is the hardest thing to kill and whats contributed most to my misery. I've learned to let go of hope, and it helps. a lot. im doing my best, trying to be logical about things. i hope you guys are doing better, you're not alone.

[stickman]

HOPE....that's the thing. I never give up. In my job, I cant give up. That is what is killing me. It's just not in my nature to give up on anyone or anything. I hate to fail.

 

I feel giving up on her is like giving up on myself. She dumped me and is proud of herself for doing what had to be done she said. Said that we were both miserable and started to bring out the worst in each other. It did not have to end that way. She gave up on US and found another guy in record time.

 

We all have "issues". They take time to correct. I cant see that she could change hers THAT quickly. But, she continues to contact me out of the blue with little tidbits. I cant take it. Somehow, I must find the strength to totally cut myself off from her so that she knows she has lost me forever.

[dstanzler]

After months and months you'll heal up and feel better. Just watch out for those terrible UPS and DOWNS. If at any point in time you feel great and are not thinking of your ex be weary... it may come back hard. But becoming strong and single is something to look forward to. Being alone and okay is a great feeling. I have been on NC for about 3 months and I feel great most of the time but when I work the night shift some bad thoughts drift back.

 

Consider these two thoughts as NC milestones (they were for me):

 

1. When you laugh after so many exhausting days.

2. When you realize you haven't checked for your ex's message in a day.

3. When you can discuss your ex without feeling nasty.

4. When you can say "I want my ex to be happy no matter what."

5. When you can say "I like being single I have more time to myself."

 

But that took me 3 months . I still have setbacks though. During month 1 blacked out in class... that was about my worst... and I was thinking a lot about suicide.

 

Oh, and if you gain like 10 pounds thats actually pretty good... maybe not for a beach body but it will show that you are healthy and functioning again.

 

Just take it a day at a time. Post here. Check out the forums. It helps to know that so many are experiecing the same issues that you are.

 

Love,

Dave

[C.C.]

Gosh! I thought I was doing ok, but I am getting weak today. I will be away for the next 4 weeks which will help me to do the NC. But this weekend will be the last chance for me to meet him before I leave. One side of me really want to ask him out, but the other side of me is afraid that I will get more pain if I break this NC.

 

This is so hard! We are both not seeing anyone, and still care for each other. He didn't ask me to leave him alone or anything like that. Is it ok if I contact him for the last time before I leave? Or would it ruin everything if I do? Any thoughts? Advice? Thank you.

 

C.C.

[C.C.]

I ended up not contacting him yesterday, but he IMed me in the evening after 5 days of my NC. He has never initiated any contact before I started the NC.

 

I responded to him because I didn't want to be disrespectful. He said that he saw me on and just wanted to say hi. And then said something like he hoped that the weather for this weekend will be nice and such. I didn't know how to think of it. I don't know if he is waiting for me to ask him to get together, or just said it.

 

Does it mean that I broke the NC when I responded to his IM? What are the rules of NC?