Can't stop thinking like this...

[Sadness_Creeping]

This is so unlike me, but lately I've been having these thoughts of killing my self, mostly with a knife in my kitchen, or maybe jumping from my balcony...I am on the 9th floor.

I dunno...I cant seem to get this life straight. I always meet these crazy girls who always talk about killing there self. I work a stress case job of tech support in a call center..and its never going to lead me anywhere. The last girl who I was hanging out with ended up telling me that where we work has sucked the life out of her,. I have next to no money and am extremely in debt (about 20g) with nothing to show for it, no education, no car, my aprtment is next to nothing in it, people always say, did you just move in? mean while I've been living this stupid way for the last 7 months.

Everyone I start to be friends with ends up stopping talking to me, either too busy with there own lives, or just feels there is something wrong with me. Everyone tells me I need some confidence, but I know that already. I don't feel like I'm ulgy at all. I hate my cloths, and never feel like i fit in. I miss having good friends, the last few years every friend I've had has used me for money, sex or just someone to beat on. I have no direction, or modivation to find a career.

My family tells me things like hang in there..etc. But for what? for a family? so i can raise someone else in this world to go though all this? no thanks. I even enjoy having sex anymore. I tired that the other day, and it didn't even feel good. felt like a pointless waste of time, even though the girl was sexy, and very nice.

Ive been this way for about a week now, and I cant seem to shake it. Ive felt sad before, but maybe for like a night, or a few hours...but never this long, and never felt so bad about what i have, and how im living my life. I fear that this wont go away, and that this are just downhill from here.

Last night i went out for a bit, to try and cheer myself up, I ended up getting drunk and spending money at the casino. Now i dont have money for food or cigs for the week..i'll be shocked if make it.

The only people that would even care if i was gone would be my faimly, if it wasnt for them, i'd be gone by now.

[flysurfer]

know how you feel dude, about 4 years ago i was the same, i was doing drugs and hanging around people that i could never consider friends one of the most lonely times of my life, you have probally done it already but talk with your family even if it is just so you know there are still people that you can talk to that will listen.

One thing i did do back then was to start taking care of myself, i started running, this was great, bloody hard work but it got me out of the house, it really helped. The only hard thing about doing it was finding the motivation, finding the motivation for me really is the hardest part and i guess you just have to get up and do it, after a while you will rebuild your self esteem then everything else will follow given time.

[Rozsi]

it sounds to me that you might have depression.

 

I have it and it makes the stuff that is bad worse and the stuff that is okay bad.

 

Things that help me --be careful to get enough sleep, eat healthy foods (no sugar!), take vitamins and exercise in whatever way that is something I like.

 

For foods a book that helps me a TON is Eat Right 4 Your Type based on blood type. I was always eating healthy but never felt any better and didn't know why and that book changed my life.

 

getting into therapy might help. medication might help. again these are all just ideas. Also make a list of what you don't like in your life and what your ideal would be. Get very specific. This may help.

[btbt]

I'm sorry you feel this way. When you are depressed, it is really hard to see the world outside of the box you feel trapped in. But chin up! You are so young! You have decades and decades of meeting friends that are right for you and for moving up in your career. You got a lot of things going on -- pick one and work at in earnest, e.g. if you want a better job, work on the things that will help you get a better one. If you've had bad friends, put yourself in different social situations that will enable you to meet better ones. All this will be slow and will take time. There is no instant fix for any of this. You have to start in slow, small steps and believe in yourself. Also, avoid destruction behavior -- like drinking and gambling. Avoid drinking altogether as it compounds your depression. I'd also see a therapist if you can as you sound very depressed. That could be a good first step.

[musicbeats]

Yo bro, I feel your pain. I feel the same way day to day and i dont know how much longer ill be able to bear it. I try to just think positive and that things will be ok but you never know what to expect. I work in a call center too not that call centers make you suicidal or anything but i can relate to what your saying about the relationships and all. Ive had some really hard break ups and it hurts more than physical pain ever could. I wish things were different and i could feel better but ive been let down too many times and i feel like giving up. All the friends ive had i never see anymore and everyones moving on to newer and better things and i cant get out of my hole. SO I FEEL your pain man. All i can tell you is that if your feeling that way go check yourself into the hospital ive done that and it can help if you take medicine and allow yourself time to heal. I wish the best of luck to you man.-Matt