It may sound crazy ,but please help!!

[lovelyone]

Here is what' s in my mind : few months ago I suspected that my husband was having an affair with his female coworker because of many things which blew up in our relationship and the several phone calls to her which I wasn't aware off.In that time he came up with using his finger in my months during sex,it was the first time he did that after 3 years together.Few week later he called and he said that he would come home later because of work, on that day he was working with her.When he got home his finger was hurt very bad ,few weeks later the nail came off(l and it was the same finger he was using on me as well).what he told me was that his finger was hurt closing his car door which seems kind of impossible to me bcs the finger is the short big finger of the right hand ( sorry don't know how its called).The reason I think impossible is because he use his left hand to close the door fromfrom the driver's seat.I know this may sound crazy or funny , but I think that he had learned that finger thing from her and she bited him during her orgasm!!!!Please every body help is this possible ? Was this a coincidence ?There many things which tell me that he was having an affair with him and this is in the main ones.

I will appreciate your help.

[Blackmsmithdave]

sounds to me like you may be getting worked up over nothing, but have you got any other prouf that leeds you to believe that he is having an affair. what you have is not exactly concret and as to the finger in the door thing, he could be telling the truth if he was carrying something then, he might hav done it by accident, i have never had one specific way or clousing or opening anything. tell us more, so we can judge the better.

[lifeiscash]

Well I am not an expert in this area but here is a link I am willing to give you to tell how to catch someone if they are lying.

 

link removed

 

I hope this helps

 

Life

[annie24]

erm.... "new tricks" in bed, phone calls.... it doesn't sound good. I think the strongest piece of evidence is that you feel that something isn't right. Your gut is usually right.... I don't buy the story of his thumb being slammed in the door. It sounds to me like this is a trick he's learned from another woman....

 

I would read some articles on infidelity here, see what they say, how you should approach the situation....

 

I'm sorry! For your sake, I really do hope the car-door slamming story is the truth!!!

[ladyluck]

my step dad had suspisions of my mom cheating and he stopped by her work at lunch and parked in the parking lot and video taped he makeing out with the man.(he was a co worker also)

 

just curious did you look at his finger for bite marks???

but there's also a t.v. show called cheaters and if you can get on you can embarrass him at the same time

[Shadows Light]

There are many web-sites and books out there that will give you a list of things to look for.

 

One of the things they tell you is that if you "suspect" he's having an affair... he probably is.

 

Another.. is sexual technique variation. If there's a withdrawl or non-interest then it could be a sign. Or a pre-occupation with sex.. it could be a sign. Or all of a sudden he comes up with new ideas or varies from the "routine" that could be a sign.

 

I need to temper this and say...be careful with looking for a "needle in the haystack"

 

I was accused of having an affair when... I wasn't. A few times as matter of fact. Look at those lists... if they dress differently... well hell we women always give ourselves "make-overs"... if they lose weight or are pre-occupied with working out. There u go... if you descide to work on yourself and your body... is that a sign of an affair. Sex Techniques.. hmmm well... what if they are doing what you are doing and cruising these forums and learning "NEW" things to spice it up. To get out of the routine?? That could be misconstrued as a sign. ooohhh yeah.. I started listening to "different music"... was this a sign??? yeah... but for me it was the fact that I learned how to work the computer.. if you get my drift.. so was it a sign... possibly.

 

What I'm trying to say is... if you feel something is off... then yeah.. it is probably OFF. The female co-worker could just be a "friend" and someone he talks to. I'm speaking from experience because I've always related to MEN better than WOMEN... and so its not a surprise to me to be talking to my Guy friends about their relationships and offering them up advice. You never know. Go on a Witch Hunt and you might give him Ideas and push him in that direction.. then you'll certainly find your witch.

 

I think... since you have doubts and this is obviously hurting you. You need to sit down and talk to your husband. You need to get it out on the table. And in a non-confrontational way.

 

And if need be... go find yourself a "marriage counselor" they truly truly help nip these things in the butt and help you work through communication problems.

 

BTW... if he is having an affair. IT IS HIS FAULT. Put the blame where it should be... and not with this other woman. Who knows what he has told her.. or what she has been lead to believe etc etc. I hate it when people jump on the one who's on the outside of the marriage and shift the blame. Who knows what sob story he may have told her and she see's him as this sweet sweet man who needs luv and attention.... The issue is between you and him. Keep that focus. Affair or no-Affair.... something is not right. So nip it in the butt.

 

Good-luck.. PM me anytime if you need an ear.

[lovelyone]

I can tell you more.The communication was not going well between us. He didn't care about me as he did before .He would came home, seat in front of internet , go to bed, get up ,go to work.No talking to me,....When I found the phone calls he said he didn't know who was the phone number.He accepted the phone number was from her later when things got to bad.He said the calls are to her but they were talking about work.He came up with new words whenever we were talking.One time she sent him a greeting card on internet and I cough it. One time he was later to go to work because he was with me at hospital and she called him asking him where he was, when he told her they were arguing.When I confronted him the firt step was to tell all the mistake I did ( defense) and he wouldn't answer my quetions.Those 10 signs, at least 7 were present.It was really too much!!!!He would kiss me 2 secs and cut me off which he had not done before, and my guts told right at that time that it seemed like he was reserving himself for someone else.He asked at the time where I like him to kiss me which he had not done before.He would want me to be touching him all the time,always occupied w/ sex.He instead off explaining to me ,he told me to trust him and don't ask him anything, until I proved to him who he was lying about the phone number.

all this tell me that he might have cheatedon me.

[lovelyone]

Do you think I can tell him what I think about his finger thing?I think he doesn't see her anymore for some reason as he quit the job too.So if he had an affair with her it might have stopped , however this hurt me very bad I don't think I can move on with him if he did it.

[Shadows Light]

Lovelyone... sounds like you need to have a "Come to Jesus" talk. SOON. And for your peace of mind.

 

You don't need to prove anything to anyone... thats just silly.

 

I don't know what a good way would be to open this conversation up with him. You might check it out on the net or a few books in the library about infidelity or relationships. Dr. Phil is an excellent resource for self-help books.

 

What works for me lots of times is writing it down. Go down that list of 10 things... and write down what it is that is wrong.

 

Sit down and go over the list with him. Say look... we have a problem. First of all, I don't know how you feel about his having friends of the opposite sex...but it might make you feel uncomfortable. Let him know that. And tell him why.

 

Look. I don't have a problem with you having female friends. However, things between us haven't been the same. I don't feel close to you anymore and I don't know why? Is there something I am doing or something that is wrong with us?? I can't fix me if I don't know what it is.

Second... you spend a lot of time on the internet. And it bothers me...because we don't spend time together. Its sooo easy to get sucked into the internet and wile your time away... but can we set aside us time....

Third... ask him. Ask him why all the interest in "where to kiss you" or "how to kiss you"... it could be that he just feels inadequate and wants to spice it up... or be better. Or maybe he's trying to hint to you that he needs you to touch him differently or kiss differently.

 

Sometimes I think people are afraid to explore or be adventurous or are too shy to ask for what they want.

 

Let me offer you and example: Lets say I picked up a steamy romance novel off the shelf. AND... OMG the intimacy in it was HOT... the Romance was HOT. And it really flipped my lid reading it. And... the reason it did that is because....hmmm that sounds great... gee, I wish my husband did that for me. Or I wish my relationship was more like that. Soooo ... what if I told my husband, "Honey, I'd like it if you did this... or I'd really like it if you did that.." or if I became BRAVE and did something for him.... would that constitute having an AFFAIR or trying to GROW as a person. You know what I mean?

 

Not trying to confuse you...but don't jump to conclusions and think the worst.

 

You need to talk and get it on the table. You need to open up lines of communications. I think... or I believe that people will have affairs because something is lacking in their lives or because lines of communications have broken down. They go to the area of least resistance and pain. Ok..and then there are a few sickos out there who just want another notch on thier belt loop so they can pound their chests in a NEANDERATRHAL way and shout... I AM MALE... or I AM A WOMAN... hear me roar.

 

Calm down. Get yourself relaxed. And find a bit of peace to sort your thoughts out on paper. Seeing it written down... helps plot your course of action. Be very thorough. And think through your options.

 

Then... Sit him down. And get to talking. And yes... you're gonna have to leverage this... "LOOK... do we fix it??? Are you willing to FIX it???" and if not... be prepared to leave. Find yourself a good marriage counselor.

 

I want to add... and I know this is painful. Plan your escape route a head of time. Be prepared. If this heads south... what are you going to do? How will you do it? Do you have the money to do it? and which family members and friends can you lean on? Just be prepared. It will give you more courage to take things in hand... knowing there is Plan A through Plan Z in place.

 

Calm calm calm... relax.

 

I want to add that my marriage went very very wrong.. and over the years I've tried all sorts of self-help books and to sort it out. And yes, Marriage Counseling. One of the things that I did in the end was SHUT down. My husband likes to throw barbs and things he would say, do or not do HURT. When "I" made the change and didn't BITE...because I wouldn't argue things escalated.. he was after me more... trying to make me react. The more he pushed... the quieter I got. Defence mechanism. And I told him.. I'm done. I don't want to argue anymore. I can't. You take care of your temper and your issues...but I can't do it anymore. ya, know... I think had he looked to himself and what he was doing instead of pointing fingers things may have turned out differently. I couldn't CHANGE him. But I could change myself.

 

Sooooo..... if you can... be open. Be honest. Be non-judgemental and non-confrontational. Talk to him. See whats cooking in that Noggin of his. See if you both can't make changes for EACH other that would work for the both of you.

 

Relationships are dynamic. Nothing in this world stays the same. Things change on a daily basis out in the world.. so How can it not in your relationship???? Work with that. And see if you can't change up the game for the both of you. HUGS to YOU. You will be ok. Believe in yourself.

[Shadows Light]

The finger thing?? telling him.. well thats up to you.

 

You think he might have stopped seeing her because he's moved on with another job.... well thats a good thing.

 

And if he did have an affair... you would be hurt confirming your suspicions...and you'd have to move on?

 

Well... how much is this relationship worth to you? How much do you love him?

 

Personal experience... would "I" want to know? Probably not. I'd probalby want to get over it somehow and put it behind me.

 

My brother-in-law.. cheated on his wife. He and his wife split up. The wife never knew about his infidelity. They split up for other reasons. And he cheated looking for love and comfort because his life was so messed up at home. NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO. But he broke it off with that woman... and eventually got back together with his wife.

 

First of all..he went back for all the wrong reasons. He wasn't looking for a MATE or a WIFE... he was looking to get away from the PAIN and needed a housekeeper/secrettary/baby-sitter/pair of hands. Anyway... I remember telling him...Do NOT whatever you do... tell her. You will wind up shooting yourself in the foot. Bear the SIN. Carry your own burden and let it be on your conscience. What did he do??? He told her. Did it help??? NOPE. All it did was MASK the problems. So now they were argueing about an AFFAIR. A mistake in judgement he made.. instead of trying to work through their problems. And problem SOLVE.

 

The other woman was out of his life. It was a mistake. He felt guilt. He felt bad about it. He knew he messed up.

 

What they needed to do was stick to the issues... PROBLEM SOLVE how to get their relationship back on track and what it would take to make it better. Not dwell on the mistake. YIKES.

 

OK... move on. Decide what your boundaries are and what you are willing to accept and not accept. Will you ever really know now??? If he has NOT had an affair...and he tells you he has NOT. How can he prove it to you???? He can't. IF he has had an affair and made a mistake... and he knows that it would be the END of you as a couple.. do you think he'll come clean????? NOPE.

 

Maybe he's feeling guilty and so he's preoccupied himself with other things. Who knows. Maybe not.

 

Talk to him... and stick to the issues... Stick to what is happening to the two of you TODAY, what is happening right now. Your wants...Your needs. How and What will make it better.

 

Who knows... he might be struggling how to approach you with the conversation too. Give it a whirl.

[lovelyone]

He means the world to me! We have 2 beautiful children too.It is too hard . To me I believe that if he had an affair the love is destroyed , he may not feel the same way about me.And I don't feel the same way as well bcs of the way he did hurt me.I believe that if he did it was a mistake, he admit to me too that he is sorry he made a mistake but a mistake of calling another woman, That is it!( no affair, he says).

[Shadows Light]

Lovely lady....

 

Sending you out a huge huge hug.... look. This is hard. Having two kids in the mix is even harder. Lots of variable at play here.

 

Calm. Relax. Its going to be ok. Its going to be ok. keep telling yourself that.

 

You love him.

 

Love is a postive energy. The love you created when you created those children is alive and well.

 

Go have yourself a long hot bubble bath...and relax. Turn on the radio... listen to some music..and get your mind off of this for the moment.

 

Tomorrow morning. Call your insurance and see what you can do about finding a counselor. For the both of you. Or just for you. To help you sort out your emtions and walk you through this. It will be ok.

 

Worry about what you can control. You. You can only control your actions and reactions. You are a wonderful woman and a great mom. And yes.. you are a very loving and caring wife. You're out here trying to find information and trying to look for answers.. you care, your a good person.

 

See if you can go see a counselor together and talk this through. Kids huh??? they add strain and stress to any relationship. Gotta love em. I wonder how our parents did it??? or maybe our parents were just more tolerant or just to darned tired to worry about the things we do. Don't know. We're in a different generation allright.

[lovelyone]

Anyone here believe in pschics? What do you know about them? What about holoscopes?Please help.

[Shadows Light]

Lovely Lady.....what does your heart tell you????

Do you believe in psycics?? Have you talked to HIM.... give it a whirl and

somehow... try to find it in your heart to forgive and live with it. Because that is what your heart is truly telling you to do "at this time".... When and if you are ready to leave or walk away from this... you will know... you won't need a psycic to tell you what your future holds. When you are ready to walk away from it ... you will just "do it" So right now... the question is... how do you work through the pain? And how do you get over this bump or crater or pot hold in the road on your journey.

[lovelyone]

At this momnt my mind is always so streesed.I don't do well whatever I wanna do ,I am always thinking about calls ,trying to figure out if he was cheating,however I find out that there is no way i can know what I he was doing without a witness.Well I love him very much ,even though something was reduced from my love since then,and if I walk away now I would be this crazy woman who destroyed my marriage and my family.I don't want to be blamed for that.MY CHOICE IS TO LOOK FORWARD .SEE WHAT HAPPEN NEXT.

[hasany]

It is very hard for anyone to damage a finger that bad, the human mouth will leave a distintive bite pattern that will be dark in one or two spots and then be drawn toward the tip of the finger slightly.

 

I believe the car door... but that does not mean he is being faithful.