young marriage

[iloveamarine]

My long distance boyfriend proposed to me and wants me to move out to california. He is a Marine out there. I am working and living in Montana right now. I accepted and am really excited to start a new life with him. There are so many oppurtunities for me out in ca as in school and work wise. A lot of our family thinks we are being unreasonable with this decision. We are both only 20 years old, but I know in my heart this is the best thing for both of us. There is no doubt in my mind this is going to work out, I was just wondering if anyone has any advise on young marriage and how to deal with the family who does not agree.

[annie24]

Hmm... I've heard a lot of stories of young marines asking their gfs to marry them, and things fall apart shortly afterwards. A lot of times, the marines are scared that they will be so busy with work, they won't meet anyone new, so they'll just marry whoever is in their life at that moment.

 

I know several marines who got married at 20, and now at 25, have a young child, and are now getting divorced. I just don't want that to happen to you 5 years down the road.

 

Ok, that isn't what you wanted to hear. If you really think this is the man for you, then sure, go move out there, but don't marry him. What's the rush to get married if you two are really meant for each other and are going to be together when you are old and 85? I say, move out there if you'd like, spend some time with him. Really get to know who he is, and what he is like when he is tired and stressed with his job.

 

If you still want to marry him by the time you are 23, then go ahead! Like I said, if you think this is the man that you're going to grow old with and one day have grandchildren with, then wait until you are 23 or so to get married. Just don't rush into anything, ok? This is a big decision, not one to just jump into - no point!

 

Good luck!

[Blackmsmithdave]

if you are serious then go for it. I have two great friends whop are engaged and they are only 21 and 18. (the guy is 18, not normaly the case) anyways they are a great couple, and they have had some bad times but they are great together, if they can make it work, and i thinkg they can then so can you.

[benevolent]

I guess there are still some unknowns to all of this. Such as, how long have you and your bf been together? Is he living in CA because of assignment or has he lived always lived there? What is your relationship like? How do the 2 of you deal with being in an adult commited relationship? How do you guys deal with conflict? Are you ready to deal with the good and bad of marriage? This is not to sway you from wanting to get married, but if you haven't vested a lot into each others lives and don't know each other fully then this is something that you may want to reconsider or think about.

 

I think I can see where your family is coming from and they probably want the best for you and see that you get a college education, career and have stability. A lot of friends and people that I knew got married pretty young, either after high school or a little thereafter and sadly a majority of those marriages ended in divorce or aren't exactly going so well. Some of them attribute it to just moving too quickly at a point in there lives where they could've done more. Some who planned on college or career sacrificed that because of kids.

 

I think being 20 nowadays is someone different than being 20 of generations past. If you guys have no doubt about this then surely you two can wait and maybe get a college degree and start your career so at least you have something.

[lady00]

I think that 20 is very very young and I agree with Annie...if you're going to get married and be together for life then it won't change anything if you wait a while. If you want to get married then why not go ahead and move in with him and just have a long engagement so that you can get comfortable with the idea before you take the plunge. I think that before you get married you should at least experience living with ther person for a while (now, some don't do this and end up being happily married, but I think that it could only help to live together for a while first). Good luck with everything!

[thoyneeka]

Hi,

 

i'd say take a little more time before getting married. this is a military syndrome. i have a brother who is in the navy and 2 male friends also. they all did the same thing & they all have had problems with their marriages. of the 3, 1 is already divorced at 26, and of the remaining two, they both have cheated on their wives.

 

now your guy & relationship could be different. just know that military life is hard regardless if you're married or not. now a serviceman gets more money and benefits and is able to extend those to a wife & that's partly why they rush to get married. have you accomplished all of your career goals? have you done everything you want to do as an individual. i say set some individual goals for the next 2-3 yrs then get married. or come to some sort of compromise with your family. move out there, but have a long engagement

[tri]

I was 17 when i got married and my parents didnt like it but agreed to sign the forms ,we have been married for 11 years and have 2 wonderful girls .I think it depends alot on the people involved and how mature you are.But just remember this marriage is hard work and you do need to work at it to make it work!

[lady00]

I was 17 when i got married and my parents didnt like it but agreed to sign the forms ,we have been married for 11 years and have 2 wonderful girls .I think it depends alot on the people involved and how mature you are.But just remember this marriage is hard work and you do need to work at it to make it work!

 

wow...congrats Tri! You make some excellent point here...it does vary on a couple-to-couple basis which ones will work out and which ones won't. It really depends on the people involved.

[cleverme123]

First off I almost married someone in the Navy at 19. I left where I was stable and did things on his terms. It wasn't like he could move...So off I went moved to VA and tried to start things. Military life is hard, very very hard. If your mind is made up and your heart is set be prepared for deployment, being by yourself lots of times. If you start a family mainly being a single parent. Expect the possibility he could go to war and not come home. Expect drinking, temper flare ups, smoking, and some times disgusting behavior, expect infidelity.

 

All these things are very real let me finish my story...The reason I didn't marry. All these things were very real, they go to far off places meet women of many different cultures and do risky things. The drinking, the constant temper and anger flare ups led me to run. If you want to be with him, make a long engagment to make sure its for you.

[annie24]

Yeah... cleverme brings up a good point.... an old friend of mine in the army was stationed abroad for a long period of time and he always told me about how the other guys would visit the prostitutes on the weekends....

 

I think benevolent brought up some really good questions. If you two are long distance, have you ever really spent a lot of time together, living in the same area? You have to see how he deals with anger and things not going well. Will he talk things over, or will he drink?

 

I'm not saying all military guys are like that - not at all. Just, make sure you really get to know what he's like day in and day out - when he is healthy and happy, and when he has the flu and has bad things going on.

 

I grew up in CA and I think it's a great place to live. Like you said, lots of schools, lots of job opportunities... sure, I'd recommend moving out there, but there's no reason to rush into marriage.

 

good luck!

[cayla]

ok my point of view if you love him and you think that it can work then do it but i got married when i was 16 and i am now 18, and i am no longer married and it wasnt what was planned... mean my family disowned me for along time, casue i got married at a young age.. my own brother wont talk to me.. i am just tryin to understand why u wanna get married at a young age... you might not know if he is really the one for you.. yeah me and my x talk and all that but we both agree that we got married way to young and things didnt work out at all... we were to busy for eachother... mean yeah we were happy for a bit, but that all went a way in time cause we both didnt know wht we wanted in life.. we both know that we didnt want to be married...

[iloveamarine]

I have been best friends with this guy for three years. We did not start dating until January of this year, but we know each other inside out. He has always been there for me in the past and never lets me down. I went to school, college, this last spring and will probably be returning in Jan. of this next year. I still get to do what I want out there and know all of the risks of him going to Iraq. Thank you for all of your opinions. Some are exactly what I needed to hear.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

I think that it's great that you want to get married at a young age. Too many young people today don't want to take on the responsibility of marriage and family, so I really am pleased that you are willing to take on that responsibility.

 

I think that you should get some premarital counselling before getting married. It's important to get things settled before you get married. Especially regarding how you will spend your money together. Money conflicts are often in marriage, so be sure that you have ironed that one out before you marry. You should make a budget together. Budget how you will spend your money for one year atleast. This is really really important!!!!!

[peaceloveunderstanding]

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee careful. please for the love of god.

 

true story: i was with a guy who was on the rebound of marriage. he was out in california in the marines too. he was only 20 when i met him. i was 22. i didnt pay much attention to it at the time, but i found out he was with his exwife for two months before he proposed, they got married two months later and after being together a TOTAL (boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, and married) of nine months, they divorced. hard to believe the crash and burn intensity. however, i fell for him so hard and so fast, i was blinded by it too, and much like her, he asked me to marry him after only being together a relatively short amount of time. its partly insecurity, its partly a dependency, its partly desperate to have something. i was so close to marrying him. so close. we had the marriage license and everything. a lot of things happened between us, so it didnt work out. im very fortunate that it didnt. my life would have really been different. the guy i was with didnt have his act together, he cheated on me a lot, he ws immature, he didnt know how to control his anger, he was just developed into a guy that i knew i couldnt spend the rest of my life with. not to mention, sacraficing something for the sake of my family just didnt seem worth it. it took so much strength, but i left him.

 

the point is, please really think about what youre doing. people change so much between there late teens and mid twenties. there is no deadline to get married. please make sure youre at a place in your life where youre stable - financially, emotionally, with your education, with whatever youre deciding to do with your life - before you make this commitment. its important, in my opinion, to live with someone before you marry them. how else do you know if they pick up their towel after they shower, if they always put the toilet seat down, if they clean up after themselves? these may sound like little things, but its things you cant experience in a long distance relationship.

 

just make sure youre ready before you go into something like this. not just with your relationship with him, but with yourself too. love lasts a lifetime, but rushing into things and not thinking them through could cost you a lot of pain. good luck.

[PAdreamer]

You know what? So many people are afraid of marriage in general today that most of what you will hear is horror stories and all the reasons why you should wait. But let me tell you why you should listen to your heart and only worry about what the two of you want:

 

Nothing is ever perfect. People fear lasting relationships because too many of us think marriage is the fairy tale ending. We think that a GOOD marriage will be flawless with no problems, arguments, tiffs, etc. We think that the perfect coupls will be happy all the time and "tr-la-la"ing through the fields, hand in hand. SO! The question is, do you understand that marriage takes a lot of work, and that the only way your love will survive is if you fight for it? If you understand that, then there is no reason why you shouldn't follow your heart. I just turned 20, and I will be married in 8 weeks. We have been in an LDR since we met over a year and a half ago. We've gotten a lot of guff in that time about SO many things. Our age gap, the distance, his health problems... But we are where we are right now because we didn't let anyone else tell us whether or not they thought we could last.

 

It's great to get advice because you really do need to stay level headed when you're making decisions about who you will spend the rest of your life with. But if you truly believe that this is the man you want to be with, there is no point in hesitating. As long as you both feel ready, I say go for it! Ce'st la vie!!!!!!!

[abitee8]

i completely believe in following your heart,

 

and yes im incredibly young and most dont think

i know much about relationships never the less marriages

 

but,,,, i truly believe it comes down to the mutual

connection and respect for each other to make it last

 

 

Me and my best friend have been extremely close for

four years. i know absolutely everything about him.

he is practically me in a mans bodyy.

he is in the army and left to basic in fort benning

a month and a half ago.

and he proposed.

hes 18 and i will be 18 also,

its scary the thought

i have manyy supporters

 

lingering thoughts of having to leave california

to go be with him where ever he is scares me

but in the pulse of our connection i know we can

pull thru.

call me a fool or a dreamer.

 

but ladies we only live once, correct?

might as well follow the voice of the heart

and make it worth all while.

 

 

in love with a soldier.

[Sunflour]

Marriage is for a lifetime. Why rush this? Move out to CA to your own place, pursue those opportunities you talk about, make your own life what you want it to be while still dating him and seeing where this relationship takes you.

 

A person is still changing so much at age 20. You probably haven't finished your schooling yet (hugely important), or explored your career options much (ditto). At most you've had a couple of years of living independently. Why not make sure you know who you are as an individual before you try to be a wife?

 

I'm not saying he isn't the love of your life, only that there's no good reason to rush into marriage and lots of reasons to take this more slowly.

[Kumatora]

First off I almost married someone in the Navy at 19. I left where I was stable and did things on his terms. It wasn't like he could move...So off I went moved to VA and tried to start things. Military life is hard, very very hard. If your mind is made up and your heart is set be prepared for deployment, being by yourself lots of times. If you start a family mainly being a single parent. Expect the possibility he could go to war and not come home. Expect drinking, temper flare ups, smoking, and some times disgusting behavior, expect infidelity.

Navy is a different Branch than the Marines, Air Force, or Army. Each have different standards in terms of supporting military families. Lemme guess Norfolk, VA Naval station right? A friend of mine married a guy in the Navy who was stationed there and almost ended her marriage. She swore up and down how much she hated their system and how she couldn't take their bullsh*t anymore. Also, the last sentence is a generalization. Not many people are screwed up like that in the military. I know many people in the military who counter that stereotype.

 

To the OP: I was engaged to a Marine and I know exactly what both of you are going through. I'm not going to give you the negative story since I can't really compare my ex to your boyfriend- that wouldn't be fair, right? I do have one big suggestion for you:

 

If you are planning to move to Cali, especially the southern are where the Marines normally do their desert training, good luck finding a job. The economy in southern California is very rocky right now and I have many friends who are living there who have lost their jobs and had to deal with foreclosure. It is VERY expensive to live in California. I hope you and your boyfriend make it through, but be very well aware of what the situation is in another state before making plans to move. At 20 and planning to live by yourself, you need a stable job. Not many young people around that age are lucky.