Girlfriend loves but not in love

[jyamada]

My girlfriend and I are both 25 and have been in our relationship for 6 years. We love each other very much - we both recognize how important the other is in our lives and we still care for each other very much. We've talked plenty about our future and about marriage.

 

But as of the last year or so, my girlfriend has lost a lot of the PASSION that she used to have. To put it simply, she loves me but is not IN love with me. There is no doubt in my mind that she cares very much and that she does in fact love me... but that passion just hasn't been there... she just doesn't feel in love with me, and we both acknowledge that fact.

 

She has been a huge part of my life and I have been a huge part of hers. We're at that point where we have to think about marriage and the future, but I just don't know what to feel about the fact that she deosn't feel in love with me. These feelings have been for at least a year or so now and it just has not seemed to improve... and I don't know what to think of it - whether to be patient, whether I should expect change, whether I should keep hoping.

 

I know in the grand scheme of things we're both young and so I just don't know what I should expect. On one hand, I want to be patient and I want to keep hoping things will change, but on the other hand it frustrates me and bothers me a lot that the feeling of being "in love" isn't reciprocated. We've come very very very close to breaking up over this and I just don't know what to think or feel about it anymore.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me?

[Gilgamesh]

The advice your looking for is very difficult to give, as there could be 100s of factors.

 

such as, but not limited to-

 

Is there variety? do you surprise her? has it become monotonous? Is she just with you for convinience and to avoid being alone? is their lack of trust or communication? are there hidden issues? maybe she wanted to get swept off her feet instead of talking 6 years about marriage? how is the sex? really?

 

this can go on and on.

 

What you need to do is put your memory cap on, remember way back when, when you were first dating, try and rememeber what she told you about her dreams, fantasies, and goals. has she gotten those in her life since then?

 

If you cant remember, or she never told you, then ask, find out her widest fantasies, and dreams, and make them come true together, surprise her! stop planning everything and sweep her off her feet.

[elveden]

The only thing which may sort this problem out is communication between the two of you. You have to talk to each other - ask her what it is that seems to have made her stop loving you.. I know that I couldn't bare being in a relationship where the feeling of love is returned - I just couldn't do it. You should talk to each other.

 

No one can really tell you what's right to do in this situation - only you can make that decision. If you feel comfortable in a relationship inwhich your partner isn't in love with you then that's fine - but don't let yourself continue with a relationship if deep down you're unhappy..

 

In my opinion - proceeding with marriage if you're sure she is not in love with you would be a bad idea..

[simulacra]

I agree that going in the direction of marriage when you both acknowledge the said problem may become problematic later on.

 

This "domesticated" love is symptomatic of a longterm relationship. The care is there. The intimacy is there. The everyday compatibilty is there. But sometimes the euphoric, uplifting emotions are clouded by everyday burdens.

 

There should, however, still be moments when you just long for him/her, or think to yourself, "I really really love him/her and I love what we have." Those are the moments when you realize that you are in love with the right person. Ask your girlfriend if she has those intense moments, or is it all just very blase almost? What about when you are intimate? I would find it very hard to be kissing someone and be feeling nothing.

 

One suggestion I do have is to take a trip together. Plan something nice. It can just be a weekend trip, but one where you are free of stresses and away from everyone else. I find that is always a good way to rekindle romance in a relationship.

[Tigris]

Being in love and loving someone is totally different! I'm 41 (correction, it's my birthday!) and I know this from personal experience. I couldn't believe that you could be both at the same time! But it's true!

 

I have been married for 13 years and love my husband however, I have fallen 'head over heals' in love twice since 1999 both times with women! (Don't start judging me I haven't done anything wrong! Just felt like it! Now I don't know what sex I am!)

 

The honeymoon period is definitely over, but surely there's more to your relationship than that, e.g. companionship, etc. She could have a problem like mine. I know what my husband is going to do. In what order he's going to do it, and how long it takes between each 'goal'! It's very boring. Now I don't care if I don't have an orgasm! I call this having sex!

 

The good news is when we go away for a week (just the two of us) we both unwind. It's great no stresses worrying about money, etc. It's like being back on honeymoon! Loads of orgasms! This is making love!

 

If I was in your shoes I would surprise her by organising a break. She'll think you're very thoughtful. Definitely a romantic!

 

Finally, there maybe something that she would like to try but is worried about mentioning it, e.g. toys, talking dirty, fantasies, etc.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Good Luck

[jasminebose]

I agree with the previous posters. What you are missing is romance and surprise. It is easy to lose the novelty when you have been together 6 years. Do you live together? If so, it becomes even more of a routine and you have all the boring everyday chores and habits which so don't inspire being swept of your feet or sweeping your love of her feet either!

 

OK so you need to 'date' again, do fun stuff together you've not tired, e.g. a dance class or cooking together. Something romantic without being overtly sexual. Try and not talk about who's turn it is to do x task or any of the usual humdrum stuff when you are 'dating' but instead to talk (and flirt!!) as if you have just met and fancy each other!! Plan something and make her feel special and appreciated- you will know better than us what she really likes to do/ eat/ where to go. So go with your instinct.

 

I think this is salvagable but you have to be willing to put in the effort.

One more thing, talking marriage and seriously about the future right now is only going to put more strain on the relationship- concentrate on having fun together and dating for a while. The feeling of being in love really does come and go and depends a lot on how committed you are to showing the other person how much you care. Weirdly enough receiving love often makes you feel like giving it- good luck.

JZ