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Wish he were more spontaneous and thoughtful

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I've been feeling neglected, well it isn't exactly the right way to describe it, but thats the only way to at the moment.


I live with my partner, we've been together for over a year now, also living together for most of that time as well. The relationship is very strong, but I am prone to quick mood changes...perhaps that is just part of being a woman, but I'm not sure about that.

Currently our sex life has slowed down quite a bit as well, but that isn't bothering me too much yet. I figure its just natural after awhile.

Thats the current situation, now here is my issue.


He doesn't celebrate holidays except for birthdays and thanksgiving. I'm not religious, but I feel that holidays help us celebrate the people close to us and bring all sorts of people together for a happy time.


Well, geez, it seems so petty to say this...but it has really been bringing me down and maybe there are underlying issues Im just missing.

I guess I just wish he'd surprise me or bring me a gift or something. Completely un birthday or turkey day related.

We go out to eat all the time, but it isn't special or planned.

I feel like I plan all of our outtings and am the only one doing any surprising at all.


I want to be able to talk to him about it...but it just sounds so dumb to say. Plus, well, it takes all the fun out if you have to tell someone to surprise you.


It isn't the biggest problem ever I know, but I'm just not sure what I should do to get him to show a little more thoughtfulness.

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Tell him.


Tell your boyfriend your wishes. And if I were you I would be specific.


For example: "I would really like it if you told me to book a day, then arranged everything so that the only decision I would need to make would be what shoes to wear. And do not reveal to me in advance since I want to wonder, for some time, what will happen." Insert how long 'some time' is for you.


If you told your boyfriend and with his new knowledge of your wishes tried to fulfill them, would you not appreciate his efforts? Even if you know that he will try to surprise you?


The alternative is for you to say nothing and risk that resentment builds within you because your boyfriend not doing what you think he should be doing.



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Yes, tell him how you feel. I had a boyfriend who was very similar -- no presents on birthdays, holidays etc. -- he said in his family he didn't grow up celebrating those things. I did tell him how I felt, but my mistake was that it was in a berating tone. He just laughed it off. What might work better is if you tell him how it makes you feel -- that it is not an expensive gift you're seeking but a signal that he is thinking about you. If he can't/won't respond you have to decide if you can compromise and if his other qualities make up for it, or if this not giving gifts etc. is an indication of a larger problem.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I know exactly how you feel. I have been with my boyfriend for a year next week, acually. Im not a materialistc person, and I dont want anything huge or expensive... My boyfriend is the sweetest guy Ive ever met, he's very loving and caring. But I just feel like I am alot more thoughtful then he is. For one Valentines day we discussed that we wouldnt do anything big or dramatic he's in college and so am I, and we just were strapped for money. But I made him cupcakes and I got him a card and he didnt do anything. For my birthday... we went to dinner, and even though he was supossed to have something made for me, (it didnt end up happening, something went wrong with the order) But something as little as a piece of paper wishing me a happy birthday and that he cares for me, would have been nice. I mean if he would have walked down the street and picked me a flower, I would have been thrilled. I am more then sure he loves me, and cares for me. He shows it by just being so kind and caring.


For next weekend, our one year. I made reservations to a beautiful country Inn and Spa, he knows nothing about it yet. But I am just worried... that well again, it will kind of be a more of just my efforts put into that weekend, and as small as I think these things are Im just afraid of telling him, because I dont want to sound selfish or needy. Just sometimes, I guess its nice to be told someone is thinking of you....


Just thought I would write and share my story... but I think I'll take everyones advice and maybe talk with him about these feelings...

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