Just don't know what to do now........

[darkblue]

So, if I DIDN'T have a son.... would your suggestions be the same??? Why should the fact that I'm a Mum, mean I'm not allowed to be happy in life??

I haven't made any decision yet. That's why I posted on here... because I wanted a bit of support and help in deciding. I've stopped speaking to this other man until I get my head straight about everything.

 

We are giving you help in deciding.

You should be able to live a happy life, but with a son comes responsibility and the fact that you can't just go and have a three-some with a man or run away from your responsibilities.

 

The part that i've highlighted... Do you intend on still seeing this man?

[RayKay]

So, if I DIDN'T have a son.... would your suggestions be the same??? Why should the fact that I'm a Mum, mean I'm not allowed to be happy in life??

I haven't made any decision yet. That's why I posted on here... because I wanted a bit of support and help in deciding. I've stopped speaking to this other man until I get my head straight about everything.

 

If you did not have a son my answer would be the same. You do not start something else without ending another, and truly realizing what you are choosing.

 

Yes this man makes you feel all tingly, but that happens in new romance. Look at his poor girlfriend...YOUR supposed best friend...and how he has hurt her. Look at her son and imagine your son there. Now put yourself in HER shoes, because in a couple years that will be you.

 

Then again maybe it IS best you leave your fiance, so he has the chance to find someone who will not treat him in such a throw away manner. I understand he might not have been always there to treat you like a princess, but this is when you communicate, seek therapy etc...not cheat.

[darkblue]

So, if I DIDN'T have a son.... would your suggestions be the same??? Why should the fact that I'm a Mum, mean I'm not allowed to be happy in life??

I haven't made any decision yet. That's why I posted on here... because I wanted a bit of support and help in deciding. I've stopped speaking to this other man until I get my head straight about everything.

 

Even if you did not have the son, You would still have the partner...

[chai714]

Bad,

Leaving your fiance and betraying your best friend would not make you happy. It would do the opposite. In the bigger picture, you would end up with low self-esteem, no best friend, and a lot of hurt feelings.

 

Happiness does not come from other people. Remember, others can only enrich your life but should not be your only source of happiness. True happiness from within, and it starts by making the right decisions, instead of doing what feels good. Often times, what feels good is not right. You can decide to play "victim" if you want, but you're the perpetraitor and nobody is keeping you from being happy, except yourself.

[bad-faerie]

The part that i've highlighted... Do you intend on still seeing this man?

 

I don't intend on seeing him behind my partners back if that's what you mean? I'm taking some time without speaking to him to figure out what it is I want. If I want to be with my partner, I won't speak to this other man again. If I want to be with him, then I need to speak to my partner, and go with that decision.

x

[darkblue]

The part that i've highlighted... Do you intend on still seeing this man?

 

I don't intend on seeing him behind my partners back if that's what you mean? I'm taking some time without speaking to him to figure out what it is I want. If I want to be with my partner, I won't speak to this other man again. If I want to be with him, then I need to speak to my partner, and go with that decision.

x

 

I feel you are being selfish.

You do not love this other man. You do not have a son to this other man.

You were not engaged to this other man. In my book, that's lust.

 

He may make you feel like a queen, but he is not the father of your child.

Your partner may not be the most compassionate character, but you have a son to him. Everything you decide can be worked out. But what one is going to make you feel happy? really happy...

 

Past the lust is your son.

[RayKay]

She is a grown woman who clearly love her son very much, this is about her relationship not her son.

She only asked for some friendly advice

 

Sugar xxx

 

Her son IS part of her relationship whether you deny it or not. That child is born of her AND her fiance.

 

Her decisions DO affect that child.

 

And when you ask for advice, you don't always get someone telling you you are doing the right thing. No one is being mean to her, but people have the right to have different opinions. I am not going to say she is doing right thing or she did the right thing and enable that. And that is my opinion.

[Hope75]

What I would like to know, is how is your relationship with your former best friend? Have you destroyed the friendship?

 

As Ray Kay said, imagine yourself in her shoes. Imagine your son where her son is. Imagine your bf sleeping with someone behind your back, and risking his whole family's happiness for some selfish lust.

 

How would that make you feel?

 

Would it be fair to your son?

[Tried]

Beliefs beliefs beliefs, everyone is simply expressing different beliefs. Some people say that she should focus on applying what she calls good to her sons feelings first. Some say that it is her feelings that come first. And some say that her feelings should be attended to because if she is unhappy and her husband is unhappy then the child will suffer the most of any scenario. Since we are all pitching in our two cents and you are all wonderful for sharing anyway ill do the same. I think whats best for the lady right now is not for people to try and define her beliefs for her. People may not know what they want very often, but they can identify emotions. In the end the advice that we give is in addition to the feelings that that person is already feeling. She obviously wants her son to be happy and puts a huge focus on that, she also wants to be happy herself for reasons including that she wants a healthy environment for her son, but in the end i am going to stop trying to put my ethical decisions on her and tell her that i support her in the decision that she makes. I have heard her speak and seen her compassion for her son, those around her, and her desire for people to just be happy. I believe that her happiness is dependant on the happiness of the people she is responsible to help so I am encouraging her to use her inner self to make a decision. Sometimes it feels that if we don't have our inner sense of right and wrong we have nothing despite that it differs in everyone, so i encourage her to use it.

[bad-faerie]

I didn't post on here to get people to make me feel more guilty than I already do! I've lost friends, I've almost lost my partner. Does it sound like I don't feel bad about whats happened??

I just wanted help in deciding what to do. I'm sorry if what I've done has upset people on here, but this is my relationship, and I'm thinking about how it's affecting myself and my son AND my partner.

I didn't come on here looking for sympathy, but I hoped I wouldn't get the same response I've had from everyone else I care about....

[Hope75]

Look,

 

There is a reason that you have gotten a negative response from the people who care about you, and the people you asked for advice on here.

 

Yes, you know that whay you did had a ripple effect and hurt alot of people, including yourself. You know what you did was wrong. You feel badly about it.

 

What I am asking you, is what do you plan to do about it?

 

If you leave your partner, and pursue your best friend's partner, you destroy two relationships and two families.

 

If you try to work things out with your partner, and leave your best friend and her partner to either work it out amongst themselves, you would be doing the least amount of emotional damage.

 

You have alot invested in the relationship you are presently in. You planned on marrying this person, and you have a child together. Are the issues that drove you apart workable? Do you still have feelings for him?

 

And then there's the other guy. He is still in a relationship with someone you considered a close friend. He may not be happy, but he has an obligation to his gf and son to try and work on that relationship as well, and neither of you can give a sincere effort with your partners so long as you are seeing one another, so that is a step in the right direction.

 

I'm not telling you what to do. I'm presenting you with some insights I've gathered from your post, and asking you what you think you will do.

 

Ultimately, this has to be your decision. The decision you make will affect alot of other people. That's why we and your friends are concerned.

[Tried]

Im sorry bad-faerie, i think that this site does the most good when we try to make it as beneficial as possible and try not to always make it an outlet for our beliefs. What i was trying to tell you in my last post was not only that your decision is going to be made from within yourself (which is obvious) but that the real answer lies within yourself and YOUR own happiness. If you happiness wasn't linked to your partners and your sons, than i would say that it was ok for you to stay with your original partner, but clearly you view that as high potential for grief in yourself manifested as grief in your household. So go with your heart on this one because it is your heart that is the pillar which holds up everyones happiness in this situation. If you are going to be unhappy because of a love lost (if you stay with your partner), indeed there will be conflict in the household. And that is the danger that we are trying to avoid here, not some fundamental absolute truth about how it is "just wrong to leave the guy". Truly putting these people's happiness and your own happiness first seems to be the goal here, so lets stay away from our fundamental suppositions, and just define good as: making these people happy. Why should that principle be marginalized in the face of one with no results? EX: She stays with the guy and clearly will feel that she has missed out on a big opportunity in her life, this disrupts the notion of keeping the household "together" in the first place to a degree that Faerie knows better then we do so she needs to use her heart to decide. After all: "What happens to a dream deffered?" -Langston Hughes

[Hope75]

Tried,

 

I don't think we are telling her that it is wrong to leave her bf, (at least I don't think that is what I am telling her) what I am telling her is that there are consequences for her actions here, and she needs to weigh those before deciding. Yes, I do think it would be selfish to consider her feelings alone when there are five other people tangled up in this mess, including: her bf, their son, her "best friend", the best friend's bf, and their son.

 

I am not giving her absolutes here. I am telling her that like it or not, she has an obligation to consider some of these people's feelings in conjunction with her own when making her decision. It is not just about her. If we all pursued our own wants and desires without taking other's feelings into consideration, the world would be chaos.

[bridget74]

I understand how you are feeling, having cheated very recently. It has been several weeks, so I have had some time to sort out my feelings. I think I cheated because I was not happy in my relationship, but too weak to leave it. Having an affair forced the issue. Feeling guilty about ruining a relationship, made me feel like I needed to pursue the lover, to make the end of the other relationship seem like it had to happen, you know, because the other person was worth it. In the end, I am now with no one. I dont' think that is a bad thing. I just wish I had ended the other relationship better, and showed that person the respect he deserved. It is too late to change things now, but evaluate what you really want. You may find, that really you just need time for yourself.

[Tried]

I don't want anyone to think i was attacking them, the advice given in this post has been valuable.

[7CardStud]

Wow, talk about a sticky situation! I think you need to cut all contact with this other guy... Why risk a marriage for a potential relationship. But you just have to ask yourself, do you still love your current b/f? If no, and you don't see anything good coming out of your relationship, then end his misery... He has been through more than you can believe.

 

I guess guys can't be friends with girls unless they want something... IS TRUE for a lot of men.