bad-faerie Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 A couple of weeks ago, I made the mistake of joining a threesome with my best friend and her partner. They have a son, and I have a son with my the fiance... Things were going okay, until my friend left the room as she was feeling ill from too much drink. Myself and her partner carried on.... She got really upset, which I understand, and he relationship was very rock afterwards. My partner found out almost straight away, as he'd suspected something was going on and checked out my chat history on messenger... Cut a long story short, my partner has stayed with me, but we've called off the wedding. My friend and her partner are still living together, but he doesn't really want to be with her anymore. I've been chatting to him a lot, and seeing him behind our partners backs.... I know this is wrong, and I've tried continuously for the past week to say enoughs enough and we can't see or speak to each other again, but one of us always gives in, and contacts the other.... I love my partner, but this other man makes me feel so different to how my partner does.... I feel so much happier when I'm with him. I know we can't carry on, because both of our partners are suspicious enough anyway... I just don't know what to do... If I didn't have a son with my partner, I'd probably be with this other man instead I don't know what I'm asking for... suggestions? Advice? Anything to help me make a final decision............... x Link to comment
Sugar-Rush Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Hey Girl, My heart goes out to you this is such a hard situation, i have been in simalar ones. You need to take some time out from the situation to think about what you really want, its a hard situation and someone is going to get hurt, so please don't make any quick rash discisions. Do you really really like your best mates guy or do you like the feeling of getting to know some1 all over again and getting butterflys? as fun as that is, its not worth hurting people over. That said dont settle for second best, you only live once and although you have to take other ppls feelings into consideration. You also need to be happy Good luck babe Sugar xxx Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Your son should be your first priority. Link to comment
peaceloveunderstanding Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 amen dark blue. amen. Link to comment
bad-faerie Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 My son IS my first priority, but if my partner and I aren't in a happy relationship, what good will that do our son? He's already really grumpy at the moment, and I'm sure it's because he's picking up that somethings not right... My feelings for this other person... yea, they are nice and new... but I feel so much closer to him than I do my partner... I just need to figure out what I want... Thanks for your advice guys. X Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 My point being, that nothing [or no one!] should come between you and your son. That means stay with your partner. Cut all communications with this other guy. Link to comment
Sugar-Rush Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I have no doubt you are a great mam and i don't think this affects you as a parent in the slightest. Your son can't be happy if you are unhappy. Just keep smiling girl Sugar xx Link to comment
Sugar-Rush Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I disagree with dark blue, i believe 2 parents are very important for a child but they should stay together over there son. If they are not happy that will not be good for a child Sugar xxx Link to comment
Sugar-Rush Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 last post was meant to read "shouldn;t stay together over there son" Durr! Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 My point being, that nothing [or no one!] should come between you and your son. That means stay with your partner. Cut all communications with this other guy. Read it again Sugar-Rush. I told her to stay with her CURRENT partner and NC this other man. Link to comment
bad-faerie Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 darkblue - I dont think my son will be happy if his parents are arguing all the time, do you? If my partner and I were to separate, I would never stop him from seeing our son. But at the same time, I want to bring my son up in a happy home! I am thinking about him above everything else. Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 It wouldn't have to be an unhappy home. You and your fiance could work things out. Give it a shot before considering breaking up with your current fiance. Why should your son have to pay for your mistakes? In only seeing his mother and father certain times. Link to comment
RayKay Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 This is why threesomes are often much better in fantasy then in reality. There are really 6 people affected directly here right now, due to the actions of 3, and now the actions of 2. Don't confuse the initial rush of being pursued by someone new as something more rewarding and better than what you have with your partner. Lust is very different than love, and a relationship borne out of deception and pain is one that has a very hard time maturing into something healthy. Of course your partner is upset & grumpy....I am assuming he had no idea there was going to be this menage-a-trois going on, you cheated on him. And you are continuing to do so. I am glad the wedding has been called off because you do not sound in any way ready yet for that kind of commitment, or very respectful of him and your relationship. He is not the one that should be apologizing right now, it is you that was in the wrong, and you that needs to take the steps to take responsibility for your actions, for your son and for your relationship - which was supposed to be a marriage. You need to cut off contact with this other man. And make a decision to leave your relationship or work on it. But don't start one thing without ending another. That is not a good environment for your son, and as much as you hide it from him, children pick up and feel everything. Link to comment
bad-faerie Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 My parents are separated. They separated when I was 12, and it was very hard for me. They argued for years and years, and hadn't been happy since I was tiny. It would of been easier for me as a child if they'd broken up when they realised it wasn't working. My partner and I ARE trying at the moment, as we have done several times before. I think I deserve to be happy too! Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Your happiness comes after your son's happiness. Have you and your partner even sat down and discussed where to go from here? [on a lighter note, i think this is the first time RayKay and I are seeing things eye-to-eye ] Link to comment
bad-faerie Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 He is not the one that should be apologizing right now, it is you that was in the wrong, and you that needs to take the steps to take responsibility for your actions, for your son and for your relationship - which was supposed to be a marriage. I haven't in anyway blamed him, or told him he needs to apologise. Things have happened over the past year, and he hasn't been there for me. It's nice to feel like someone cares for you isn't it? And that's what I get from this other man that I haven't had from my partner for such a long time. I've felt like I'm just a Mum and nothing else. He complains if the houseworks not done, or if dinner's not on time. He is trying now, because he realises that that has had a big effect on me. I am taking responsibilty for my actions and everything else. If I wasn't, I wouldn't still be here! Link to comment
bad-faerie Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 Your happiness comes after your son's happiness. Have you and your partner even sat down and discussed where to go from here? [on a lighter note, i think this is the first time RayKay and I are seeing things eye-to-eye ] Yes it does... and what I'm trying to say, is that if my partner and I are arguing, and no longer getting on, that will make my son an unhappy child! My partner and I have discussed things. We called the wedding off, and are trying to start over again. Whether it works or not is another question! Link to comment
RayKay Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 My parents are separated. They separated when I was 12, and it was very hard for me. They argued for years and years, and hadn't been happy since I was tiny. It would of been easier for me as a child if they'd broken up when they realised it wasn't working. My partner and I ARE trying at the moment, as we have done several times before. I think I deserve to be happy too! Many people have had their parents argue for years and years. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing, but most people do not learn how to communicate effectively, or take advantage of learning some conflict resolution skills. Disagreements do not need to mean divorce. Ultimately yes maybe your parents should of split sooner, but divorce is not easy on a child or a family either, and maybe they really did want to work things out...you cannot fault someone for that. They just did not have the tools to do it. How are you trying right now? You are still seeing this other guy, aren't you? Are you two in counselling and marital therapy? There is a difference between "trying" and "doing". If you are still seeing this other guy...then all the "trying" is NOT going to translate into doing. It is sabotaging the effort before it even has a chance to help. You MUST stop this affair. Immediately. Then you should call a therapist, and get both joint and individual counselling. Link to comment
Sugar-Rush Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I don't think you happiness should come second to your son, children live trough there parents, if your not happy he won't be. In an ideal world you wouldn't have these feeling for this other man and u and your partner could kiss and make up. Just be strong and think carefully, even though u got caught up in this mess u seem very sensible and level headed, i know you'll do the right thing for u, ure son and everyone involved Sugar xxx Link to comment
chai714 Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Bad, Your partner is upset with you and rightfully so - you cheated on him, yes? Would you be upset if your fiance slept with another woman, or participated in a 3-some behind your back? The psychology is this: you have decided what you want (your best friends partner, which means breaking up with your fiance). Now, you're coming up with reasons that make sense to you and make you feel good about seeking what you want (to leave your fiance and possibly seek your best friends man). Would this really make you feel good about yourself? No. This is impulsive (and probably lustful) behavior, which would result in you feeling bad about yourself in the end, because you would have thrown away a friendship, dumped a (from what I know) loyal fiance, and gained nothing. What do you think you should do? What would make you feel good? What is the right thing to do? Is there a difference between what would make you feel good versus what is right? Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I don't think you happiness should come second to your son, children live trough there parents, if your not happy he won't be. In an ideal world you wouldn't have these feeling for this other man and u and your partner could kiss and make up. Just be strong and think carefully, even though u got caught up in this mess u seem very sensible and level headed, i know you'll do the right thing for u, ure son and everyone involved Sugar xxx So you think she should leave her current partner and persue another man out of an act of lust? Who wins in that situation? Link to comment
Sugar-Rush Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 No i don't think that I think she needs to sit down and think about what is truly right for her and how to move on productivly sugar xxx Link to comment
RayKay Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I don't think you happiness should come second to your son, children live trough there parents, if your not happy he won't be. In an ideal world you wouldn't have these feeling for this other man and u and your partner could kiss and make up. Just be strong and think carefully, even though u got caught up in this mess u seem very sensible and level headed, i know you'll do the right thing for u, ure son and everyone involved Sugar xxx Children also LEARN behaviours from their parents. If a child sees their parents cheat on one another and see it is okay to just do so when they are unhappy, what does that child learn for THEIR future relationships? Yes children live through their parents, but it is also the parents who should be striving to provide for their children a stable healthy home. Maybe this does mean the parents must divorce in some cases, but cheating and having an affair, leaving their childs other parent and splitting family up because their hormones are raging is NOT healthy or happy for that child. Nor is it a promise that the child will be introduced to a happier environment with their parents and their parents "fling". Link to comment
bad-faerie Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 So, if I DIDN'T have a son.... would your suggestions be the same??? Why should the fact that I'm a Mum, mean I'm not allowed to be happy in life?? I haven't made any decision yet. That's why I posted on here... because I wanted a bit of support and help in deciding. I've stopped speaking to this other man until I get my head straight about everything. Link to comment
Sugar-Rush Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 She is a grown woman who clearly love her son very much, this is about her relationship not her son. She only asked for some friendly advice Sugar xxx Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now