Ugly, lonely and nobody loves me!

[GremlinX]

Well that got your attention didn't it!

 

Just something I've been wondering about is why do a lot of us shy types do this to orselves? The ugly part that is.

 

Do we seek some kind of conformation from others? Is it an easy excuse, a cop out, to blame or explain our lonelyness on something other than who the arrow really points at. Us!

 

Is it something deeply rooted in our past we just can't seem to shake and it's holding us down.

 

Take me for instance. I don't think I'm ugly. I'm not gonna set anyone's heart aflutter but compaired to the rest of the world I ain't half bad. Yet there's that nagging feeling somethings not right.

 

Could it be because I onced weighed 250lb and for a long time thought I was some hidious freak? I won that battle, didn't like what I was and I'm at a nice 158 now. But at times I cannot shake that image of what once was.

 

Is an unfounded fear like this holding you down?

 

Look deep inside you and face the, um, UGLY truth!

[Meow18]

Maybe you just don't have a lot of confidence in yourself? If you were once overweight, you could have lost a lot of self esteem from thinking you were "hidious".

 

I think that what matters most is how you feel about yourself. If you think you are ugly, then that's really going to hurt you more than if someone off the street told you that you were ugly. You might feel good about yourself now, but you probably just got so used to not thinking that you were anything special when it came to looks. You just might not have gained all of the self esteem you should have about yourself.

 

I think everyone should have confidence in themself. Of course it's not easy. You are stuck with your looks and your body. It's going to be with you forever so you might as well love yourself the way you are, ugly or not.

[dizzy_bruce]

Yeah I agree with what Maggie said, confidence is real important.

 

I know some people that, to be frank, aren't much to look at, but because they are really confident and have strong personalities they become attractive and really fun to be around.

 

Nobody really wants to hang around with an insecure person that's like 'oh I'm so ugly aren't I?' or 'oh nobody loves me boo hoo' etc.

 

So yeah, if you change your personality and whole thought process you'll be fine.

[GremlinX]

I don't go around thinking I'm an ugly person. I've been on a 6 year confidence road that's finally made progress! Compaired to who I was 10 years ago you wouldn't know it was the same person!

 

I'm just asking people that if you're like me and had a low self image once do you find that every so often that little ghost comes back around? Do you tell it to take a hike or run and hide from it?

 

Honest I'm not depressed or feeling sorry for myself. No sitting in the cornner going "Boo hoo hoo" and twidling my thumbs. I've had enough of that to do me for a lifetime!

[Meow18]

I know what your saying. Of course I think that things like that would haunt everyone. It's not just about looks either, anything in the past can come back and haunt you that wasn't a pleasant experience.

 

But if you have confidence in yourself, that's great! I don't think you should worry about this ghost coming back every once in awhile. It's a part of you.

[dizzy_bruce]

That's good that you built up your confidence so much. Do you have any tips hehe?

 

I reckon alot of people on this forum have a low self-esteem or an insecurity of some type.

 

I used to be pretty insecure about my appearance and whatnot, but that is common for a teenager. It's really hard to ignore something like that, it can really eat you up. I guess you just got to put up with it, or get a facelift or something hehe.

[ShySoul]

People take that attitude because its easier then questioning why they haven't found someone yet. At least that way they can have an answer and have something to blame, even if its themselves. Otherwise they will drive themselves crazy wondering why they are alone and why they haven't met the right person. Of course, this just causes more questions that still drive you mad. Why was I born ugly? Why would anyone want to go out with an ugly lousy like me?

 

The trick is to stop putting so much focus on it. Do things you enjoy. Keep yourself busy. It could be doing anything: playing a sport, doing theater, diving into your work, reading, writing the next great american classic novel... If you are having fun doing other things, you won't have time to reflect on your appearance. You'll naturally gain confidence, and you will meet people too.

[Blackmsmithdave]

some people use 'oh im ugly' as an escape from other problems that they may have, but its mostly in my experience becasue the person wants someone to turn around to them and say no your not, your good looking and wonderfull, etc. etc.

 

if you once considered yourself ugly then you may have a deep rooted idea that you still are irregardless of what peolpe say to you.

[volution]

Someone really should write a book about self-deprecation and how to escape from it. I have been guilty of thinking about myself as 'ugly' and 'worthless' many times in the past. I think many many more people suffer from these self-defeating and sabotaging thoughts then any one of us realises...

 

There is a book I bought recently called "I can change your life in 7 days" by a famous British hypnotist, Paul McKenna. I haven't started it yet, but it comes with a free CD and has got some pretty good reviews...

link removed

[traz]

I used to be overweight too, I lost 50 pounds and now I feel better than ever. However, I do understand what you mean...sometimes I feel like I"m still that same overweight, unattractive person...it's all psychological heh.

 

Its weird, but when I look in the mirror, sometimes I really can't see a difference between my prior self and how I am now...its trippy.

[wlfpack81]

Maybe it's b/c, in cases like mine, people are just realists and don't mind admitting they aren't good looking? I mean I hate the fact that I'm not blessed w/good looks but at least I see if for what it is. Law of averages says for everyone attractive person there's going to be an opposite. I know most aren't going to like what I just said but hey there's always more than one side to the story.

[ShySoul]

Then wouldn't the law of averages also state that for everyone person that doesn't find you attractive, there is someone who does? Perhaps it's just a case of lousy timing and bad luck?

[wlfpack81]

Well, how about the law of average that states no matter what there'll be those guys/girls who will be single forever.

[ShySoul]

Single forever? Give me some time to run the numbers on that but I'm pretty sure the odds of that are incredibly slim.

 

Hey, the Red Sox won the world series. I've actually had girls liking me. Miracles can happen.

 

If I can have girls interested in me, anyone can.

 

Besides, all the people who the laws of averages say will always be single, there in a monastery right now. And something tells me thats not where your going.

[Caldus]

Then stop complaining and go work out. Anything to improve your appearance if you feel that bad about it.

[GremlinX]

Its weird, but when I look in the mirror, sometimes I really can't see a difference between my prior self and how I am now...its trippy.

 

You know one thing that made me wake up is a picture I,ve got of me in '92 when I weighed 230+. I stood in front of a mirror with the same shirt on I had then (yep I keep things around forver!) and I just couldn't believe it! I filled that shirt out in the photo and now here it is hanging off me!

 

But hey, it's taken me a while to see it and convince myself of it. Exorcise, eating right, the gym, yeah they've helped but it was when I said "No more!" that it happened.

 

Just like this being single thing. I've changed my attitude to that and through belief in myself and taking action something WILL happen! Don't know what it is, I've just got this feeling!

 

I've started making eye contact more, I've had a couple of girls smile at me and yeah I'm still nervous about that 'cause I've never noticed it before and 'cause it makes me feel like I'm 14 when I got sidetraked and went into that downword spiral of self hatred. I'm starting over but I like where this could head!

 

Kyo, wolf, and whoever else: It's about making peace with your past and the biggest thing making peace with yourself! Open your mind to what could happen, what can happen, and look to the future with hope and forget about what you did or didn't do.

 

Sound like a self help book? Good!

[Muppet]

After all this is the "shy" part of this forum.. anyways you said in the first post that something "just aint right", I think thats just paranoia ^^

Wow it took me like 1 hour too figure out what the word was

 

this is my first post! i love love! ^^

[Dre_7]

Its weird, but when I look in the mirror, sometimes I really can't see a difference between my prior self and how I am now...its trippy.

 

You know one thing that made me wake up is a picture I,ve got of me in '92 when I weighed 230+. I stood in front of a mirror with the same shirt on I had then (yep I keep things around forver!) and I just couldn't believe it! I filled that shirt out in the photo and now here it is hanging off me!

 

But hey, it's taken me a while to see it and convince myself of it. Exorcise, eating right, the gym, yeah they've helped but it was when I said "No more!" that it happened.

 

Just like this being single thing. I've changed my attitude to that and through belief in myself and taking action something WILL happen! Don't know what it is, I've just got this feeling!

 

I've started making eye contact more, I've had a couple of girls smile at me and yeah I'm still nervous about that 'cause I've never noticed it before and 'cause it makes me feel like I'm 14 when I got sidetraked and went into that downword spiral of self hatred. I'm starting over but I like where this could head!

 

Kyo, wolf, and whoever else: It's about making peace with your past and the biggest thing making peace with yourself! Open your mind to what could happen, what can happen, and look to the future with hope and forget about what you did or didn't do.

 

Sound like a self help book? Good!

 

You're on the right track. Just like you I used to be 235, then I lost alot of weight and went down to 165. Right after I had lost all the weight, my confidence skyrocketed, I was getting compliments from other guy's girlfriends! I think the key is to maintain the confidence you get from achieving something, if you lost weight, keep working out. If that girl you think is cute smiles at you, smile at other girls when you can..etc. See the thing with guys like us is that until we get that special girl, we need to have our confidence constantly reinforced, the good news is, it's simple. Just like what you are doing, be proactive, and happy with your accomplishments.

Think about talking to a girl you really like, are you going to say..."well, umm, I like you, but I'm not feeling confident because I used to be overweight." lol..wake up, you're a whole new person. All the excess physical and emotional baggage is gone, but I think you're headed in the right direction. Keep at it

[dudecar46]

Attraction...I suddenly remember an old psychology lesson that I will never forget.

 

We were going over the psychological basis of attraction, and I actually asked what determines who is attracted to who. Now, of course, there is no certain answer, but my incredibly intelligent and insightful psych prof gave the class two guidelines:

 

1. People of similar levels of attractiveness are naturally attracted to each other. My prof put it like this: if you are a 5 on a scale out of 10, then you will be more naturally attractted to other 5s. A 5 may look at a 9 and go "wow", but my psych prof said that a lack of comfort prevent these couples from hooking up with regularity. Thus, even if you consider yourself to be a 2, never fret, as the other 2s of the world are surely attractted to you. And besides, it is personality that fuels lasting relationships, anyway; attraction is simply the bait.

 

2. However, in those rare instances that a 5 hooks up with a 10, there are other driving factors that fuel attraction. Women tend to like taller guys, and men tend to like shorter girls because of the whole "man protecting the woman" mentality. Also, muscles on a guy also make him more attractive for the same reason, as does having a little bit of extra dough. This is why you see rich men hooking up with supermodels.

 

Personally, I have plenty of confidence in my 180 lb, 5'10" frame, despite knowing that I am not really that attractive. However, I find confidence in the fact that I am attracted to those females who maintain a similar attraction level, not those 8s, 9s, and 10s.

 

Sorry if I deviated from the topic, but I felt that this interesting informations loosely fits in with the discussion.

[Dre_7]

1. People of similar levels of attractiveness are naturally attracted to each other. My prof put it like this: if you are a 5 on a scale out of 10, then you will be more naturally attractted to other 5s. A 5 may look at a 9 and go "wow", but my psych prof said that a lack of comfort prevent these couples from hooking up with regularity. Thus, even if you consider yourself to be a 2, never fret, as the other 2s of the world are surely attractted to you. And besides, it is personality that fuels lasting relationships, anyway; attraction is simply the bait.

 

I agree, and I think life has a way of natrually attracting us to our "equals."Before I used to be attracted to the model types, then I realized that, since no one that seemingly perfect exists, then personality figures into the equation more. Don't get me wrong, I still want a pretty girl, but the media gives us an image of "perfection" created by make up artists, fashion designers etc. There is such a thing as natrual beauty, expressed in confidence, smiles, playfulness and such. But the mass media would have us believe that attractiveness is all about sex appeal. It is that, but it's a whole lot more.

[dudecar46]

Indeed we all want a pretty girl, but nature intended us all to have different opinions of who is "pretty". Heck, I have been told to my face by some of my friends that the girls I was thinking of pursuing were nothing to look at, when I found them dazzling.

 

It is very strange, but it definitely leads me to leave that anyone who wants to have a relationship with a girl they deem to be pretty will end up doing so at some point and time. However, I have not really pursued anyone as of yet, but that is because of an unrelated confidence issue that I have overcome.

[Dre_7]

Indeed we all want a pretty girl, but nature intended us all to have different opinions of who is "pretty". Heck, I have been told to my face by some of my friends that the girls I was thinking of pursuing were nothing to look at, when I found them dazzling.

 

It is very strange, but it definitely leads me to leave that anyone who wants to have a relationship with a girl they deem to be pretty will end up doing so at some point and time. However, I have not really pursued anyone as of yet, but that is because of an unrelated confidence issue that I have overcome.

 

lol of course, I understand the notion that we are all attracted to something different, lol, but I'd like to think that that's understood. And with liking a girl that your friends don't like. the same thing has happened to me so many times. I like it that way, because I know my taste is somewhat unique at least.

[dudecar46]

I like it that way, because I know my taste is somewhat unique at least.

 

My sentiments exactly .

[ShySoul]

dudecar46,

 

I would have annoyed your professor, challenging him to tell me what a "5" looks like and what a "10" is. As you've said, we all have different tastes so a 10 to you may be a 1 to me. Really, does any of that matter? Not like those outer looks will hold up forever. Which is why the inner beauty counts for infinitely more.

 

As for rich men hooking up with supermodels, its not because of appearance, money, status, or the like. It's because there line of work thrusts them into that world. Wealthy people are around wealthy people, so its natural that they find each other. Chances are lower for an average guy like me simply because I don't have the opportunity. Of course, if I did you know I would wow and dazzle them. And I'm sure you would to.

[dudecar46]

I know that I could have annoyed my prof, but I was able to get his point; even if an actual attractiveness hierarchy exists, his point was still clear; certain people are especially attracted to other certain people.

 

 

As for the point concerning wealth, that is a possibility, but I never really thought about it that much. After all, this discussion happened in a span of 50 minutes, and as with almost all of cognitive psychology, there are no certainties.