What am I supposed to do?

[Bounder]

Sad,

 

Your story seems to like mine only starting a few weeks earlier. My ex and I were together three years this summer. We had a major bump in the orad two years ago when i cheated on her while abroad (I had a freak out about where I was going in life one night), but called her the next day and worked like a dog to get things back on solid ground, which they were....so I thought. When we fought she would bring up my mistake, saying she couldnt get over it, and then take it back a few days later and things would be ok again for a long while. I was crucicfied many time sfor it, and did my best to say I was sorry....but eventually I forgave myself.

 

In March of this year, she freaked on me, drove up (she lives two hours away, we commutte and spend summers together) and said I wasnt what she wanted, that I was too mabitious with my academics, that she wanted to live more, have no strings, be selfish and explore, and that my life was too planned out. Of course, it was end of semester and the stress was piling up. I dropped everything, went to counseling, worked on myself and she came back a few weeks later after a long talk about what I wanted to change and what she wanted to change. At one point during the break up she told me she hooked up witha guy the day after we broke up. And when I hung up on her she called me back to say she had made it up, she just wanted me to get over her.

 

When she said she wanted me baclk afew weeks later, I asked about that night and she said she had never been with anyone else, couldnt do it, not after what I had done and how it felt. So, we were off to the races, trying new things, travelling etc. I dropped my thesis work to put more time in us, did more romantic things, and got a lot of great sex and "your the best boyfriend" for it. She, however, seemed to be getting more chatic, rejected for her masters program, denied a job she wanted...no plan and scared. Then, I leave for a short holiday with family, she emails me every day saying she misses me, and one night about a week in calls me at my hotel to say that a guy had tried to kiss her but she ran away. Then she pushed me into talking about where we were going, how come I didnt talk about marriage, why wasnt I willing to move to Korea if she went (she had mentioned this once). I said I didnt realize that jorea was that important, we could talk about it when I got back, and that I wanted to marry her, but we needed to focus on us and building a base again for now.

 

A week later she calls me to break up with me again. I was "not the one for her right now" even though I had been "amazing"; she was still having doubts. Said she had compromised her values by taking me back two years ago. Says there was no one else, just needs to think of herself. I try hard to be there for her, then one of my friends warns me that she was fooling around with a guy, and that when I came back she would pop it on me.

 

So, I have been back in town for almosta week, saw her at a party with the new boy, was devastated, but strong, even met a new girl that I kissed and want to date for a while. This made her jealous and she calls me saying it was hard seeing me and not being able to talk and stuff.

 

This girl is messed up and yet I still love her. I am angry at the lies, how she could have told me she loved me, could never lie or cheat on me and does it twice, all the while getting jealous of my female friends and yet part of me still feels the power to forgive if she showed things were different. But now I am just angry at the brutal rejection and lying and feeling quite small.

 

Oof, that was long. All that to say that I have the same urges to call every day, send her stuff, etll her I lover her (all of which I did the first time we broke up and I think might have worked) but now I am afraid that the first time I had convinced her to come back, instead of her coming back on her own. I tell myself she needs to figure out how to get US back on her own if thats what she wants someday. Except for the night of the party when she called afterwards, we havent spoken for over a week. I sent her an e-mail of things she used to say about valuing honesty and stuff to show her how betryaed I felt, but little more.

 

The urge to do something is excruciating though, I know sad. I am lucky to have friends who care, but that doesnt solve the waking up alone and falling asleeop alone, and part of me knows that finding someone else right away will only partially help with the shallow ego stuff.

 

Think about this....yes they are confused, these ladies, but have we really done anything that bad to justify them treating us this way? We can empathize without buckling....it does not give them carte blanche to walk all over us. I wonder how shes doing, but maybe shes not worthy of that worry or cooncern anymore. They're being selfish, face it. It doesnt make them evil people, just not nice to us.

 

I will keep you posted, and I want to be there for you if I can.

[moonunit]

um...not to highjack the thread or anything but...

 

yes they are confused, these ladies, but have we really done anything that bad to justify them treating us this way?

 

yeah you kind of did. you cheated on her in europe. people (men and women) tend to freak out a little when hurt in this way even though they forgive i think it tends to leave some scars and sometimes the ohter partner really hasn't come to terms with what's been done and are angry still. they can lash out in different ways like what your ex did to you after what you did to her. she's not confused...she sounds mad.

 

sad's situation is different. he didn't do anything. it's his ex. but that's just my two cents

[jng92130]

Yes, cheating is a big hurdle. In my experience, it's insurmountable. Years ago I fell in love with a girl *before* I learned that she was promiscuous to the nth degree. A few month into our relationship, I dropped her off at her apartment where she was going to get ready for a night out with the girls. No big deal, right? She asked to borrow a few dollars for drinks. Ok, no problem, hon.. here's $10. I left, and then later that night called her apartment. No answer. Worried, I went over there to check on her, letting myself in. Another guy was in bed with her. They were sleeping soundly, unndoubtedly exhausted and (I hated to think but knew nonetheless) quite satisfied. She had always been fantastic in bed. A sort of struggle ensued, and I left a few minutes later extremely upset and vowing never to see or talk to her again.

 

Over the next few days, she begged. I relented. We were together again. A few months later, she cheated again. Having no experience at all with this sort of thing, this sleeping around and promiscuity, and never unfortunately having heard the proverb about fooling me twice, I relented... again... and took her back. Wash, rinse, repeat one more time. Altogether she cheated three times. And stupid, stupid me, I took her back. But deep down, the damage had been done. And when the time came two years later for us to consider marriage, I knew that however much I loved her and lusted after her and however great our chemistry was, I didn't *trust* her and had never really forgiven her for those incidents from two years back. I told her all of this and she said that she wished she could take back all she'd done. We were comfortable and happy together, but at the time I just couldn't let those incidents go.

 

So, with that out in the open, we ended things and moved away.

 

There's a Seinfeld episode in which George's mother finds him in the bathroom playing with himself, and she cries out that she found him treating his body "like an amusement park ride". I thought of that sometimes after those incidents -- that she treated sex not as an act of deepest intimacy but as a sort of night-time roller coaster, an amusement park ride. That unpleasant thought stuck with me and finally doomed any future we could have had.

[SadnConfused]

Gosh, I have been feeling better. I have thought more about the things she did to me that were wrong. We havent talked since last Wed. All of the sudden she called at 730 am today! to talk briefly. I was completely out of it sleeping (you know) and I picked up out of instinct. What the hell does that mean? She was following her sister to a place to get her car fixed then they were going to work (they work the same summer job). She said she called to say hi, and that we havent talked in awhile... She was worried about getting to work on time... Sort of a long drive so close to work time and in rush hour in Milwaukee. I have been feeling better. Sunday the 7th of August is International friendship day. I have some things to send her, a card and such. Should I? what the heck is going on?? please respond!!!

[Urlacher]

Whats up Sad, I cannot believe how similar your story is to mine. Even down to the little details like how long you waited before the two of you had sex. So much of reading your thread reminds me of my situation. To be honest, I don't have much advice to offer because I am still in the same boat. I know many friends and people here will say just don't talk to her, make her miss you, etc. You just have to trust your instincts. I know there are the desperate times where you are crying alone and just feel like reaching out to her because you don't know what the next 15 minutes of being alone will bring.

 

I don't know, playing the NC and trying to make her jealous routine just seems "high-school" to me. We both know the person we were with. You sound like me, you think if you continue to show her the good things in you, being a friend like asking her how things are going, hows work, even the package you sent, that will show her and remind her of the person you are. Some might say you are being a doormat or what not, who knows. I don't buy the whole notion that you or I are weak because we talk to them or still show we care. Next time you talk to her, ask her what she would be doing if she had to walk the shoes you are in now. Ask her if she would give up fighting for what she believed in.

[SadnConfused]

Really bad day today. I am so sad. I want to hug her, massage her feet, lay in bed together, watch a movie together, go out to dinner... Does she think of me? Does she care about me? I feel like hell. My life is terrible. You would think that by the time a person has lived awhile, gotten a masters degree and had some fun they would be happy. I am not. I just am not happy. She made me happy.

[Bounder]

How did she make you happy? can she do that anymore if she isnt in to it anymore? i feel the same way sometimes, have an MA, great career prospects, love what i do, but theres still a hole.

 

One quote that I cling to, from the cheesy Disney Movie Cool Runnings, John Candy to the failed runner turned bobsled captain about how bdly he wanted a gold medal "If you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it." I know its hard, but think about what you have, not what you've lost. Try. i know i am

[SadnConfused]

We talked briefly today. I said jokingly and sort of laughing "boy, we NEVER talk anymore" She said "I am glad you think that is funny" I said well, what am I supposed to do? ya know. Anyway she was not in a very good mood... Someone egged her car last night while it was parked outside her new boyfriends place. (i think it is a rebound) She suspects it is they guy she is datings ex girlfriend. When will she come to her senses? Do you all think this new guy is something long term? Remember she was telling me how much she loved me 1 day before they hung out for the first time.... I dont know. I am miserable.

[SadnConfused]

This is somthing I have been just typing to release some tention in lik ethe last day or two. What do you all think?

 

It has been awhile since we have seen each other or even had a chance to really talk for that matter. In the past couple of weeks I have been able to do a lot of reflecting about us, life, a ton of things. It is strange. I am no longer upset about us not being together. I have reflections and memories about the things we have done, the things we planned on doing, and how it might be right now if we were indeed together. You are right. One time you said it would be different…. We are both to blame. Sometimes I did give you the impression that there was a lack of trust on my part. I agree, at some points I didn't know what you were going to do next. As you are an understanding person I know you can see things from my vantage point as well… Ex boyfriends calling, random guys calling / hanging out etc. I thought we created a closer connection than to let all of that matter. I am glad for you. I am happy you found someone new so fast. It is really wonderful and I hope it eases your mind and pain wonderfully. Guess what I think about. How you cried on the phone for me not to leave, how we talked a 10 times everyday the whole week after I left, how you said I miss, love, and appreciate you and your family 10 minutes before you went out with "some friends from work". It is called rebound. You need someone to be with. You have to have someone there. You have to have someone to hang out with. You have to feel needed. Evidently I did not give you all of those things. I sure as hell tried. I would have spent my life making you happy. I will meet someone. Someone who will appreciate me FOR REAL. Some one who will give back to me everything I have given them. I know I know you don't want to be 35 years old and wondering what you have missed. Guess what? You WILL be 35 years old and wonder what you have missed. It will be me. You will think about how I treated you and wish to GOD I was there to do it. It will be too late. I will not be around. I WILL have a GREAT life I WILL be happy. I will have a wonderful family and a wife who I treat even better and that I love twice as much and she will love me EXACTLY the same way back. She will be athletic, beautiful and we will love watching our family grow and attend their sporting events. We will be close as two people can be. My parents are. They are 51 and 50 years old. Dated since the 8th grade and Friday is their 33 wedding anniversary. I have it in my blood. That is the way I was raised. I have hoped and prayed that you will not have to deal with Huntington disease. I have hoped and prayed for you to be well. Lets face it there is a chance. It never mattered to me. Wouldn't you like to know that there will be someone there right next to you everyday just because they loved you that much?. I am strong. I am a strong man. I CAN overcome everything and anything. I WILL rise above and make MY life wonderful. I have faith. You do not have faith. You move on to one failed relationship after another. Don't you realize when things are good it takes work and compromise? Finding another fish in the sea is not good enough. Sooner or later it is necessary to make a love bond work. What? Move on to the next failing relationship and think it was just not meant to be? Think this person just was not the person for me? It is called cereal monogamy. This easy way to think of things leads to no love bond EVER. Only a series of highs that leads to a slide downhill to another broken relationship. You wanted it. It is your choice. I am done with thinking and trying. I put in my time. When should I cut my losses?

 

I have never sent this letter, nor do I plan to send it. I am still typing things daily. She does have huntingtons in her family. He mother just died of the disease recently. There is a 50/50 chance for her to have it. It never mattered to me.

[melrich]

You sound as though you are very bitter about this break up. I think it is good for you to get your feelings out on paper and hopefully let them go.

 

Good luck

[regret1]

Really bad day today. I am so sad. I want to hug her, massage her feet, lay in bed together, watch a movie together, go out to dinner... Does she think of me? Does she care about me? I feel like hell. My life is terrible.

 

SadnConfused,

 

I know how you are feeling, because I am like that too, 24/7. I just have to be strong. You too.

[SadnConfused]

How long has it been for you?

[Leges39]

it still happens to me and it was a year ago this week.

[gradle]

don't send that letter sad. please try and be strong, you're doing so well.

stay good and go have some fun...

[SadnConfused]

I have resorted to drinking. I have never done this before... I have two rum and cokes sitting infront of me right now. I did get a job.... Medical Clinic Management Coordinator...way to live up to the standards, huh? I am hating life.

[Bounder]

Mind if I join you for the drinks? If your still online, wanna chat? Pm me man

[gradle]

seriously, i could use a drink myself

[Demond34]

You're only 27, your life is not over. I know it feels like that most days but you have alot going for you. Be proud of that and one day Miss Right will be right in front of you. You'll make it through this and you'll be a better man b/c of it!

[WildChild]

Sad, I have just spent the last 1/2 hour reading everyone's posts. Many awesome insights and perspectives. Many heartbreaking stories and heartfelt pain that everyone of us can relate to. Many things ran through my head reading this. At this point I will ramble my thoughts.

 

Staying strong is one of the toughest things to do. Loving someone and losing them is like a death, your world has come to an end as you knew it. There are stages of grieving....everyone goes through it (even those who break our hearts), it is human reaction, it is God's way of healing us..how we go about dealing with it and how it ends lies with the person it happens to.

 

She was 20 when this started...you both gave each other fulfillment. People's needs change, sometimes without even them realizing it. Growing and aging brings those changes. Some people are capable of being that young and making it work for the rest of their lives i.e. your parents. Others are not. As much as your ex wanted it, her needs changed...it does not make you a bad person or that you weren't giving all you had (which was gr8 by the way!). People and you were so on the spot with the posts that you don't want her to be 35 and miserable because she did not have a chance to be young and experience things...would you want to put yourself through that many more vested years and find out at her age of 35 that she is miserable. You think it is hard now, think about it then...probably children by then, more memories.

 

I believe she does love you, but her love may have changed. You had a wonderful life together...of course she doesn't want you to be miserable. My parents had a horrible relationship and divorced when I was 13. Still to this day they still love each other, but are not in love with one another. I will always love my exhusband because we have known each other for 15 years, but I am not in love with him anymore nor is he with me. He told me (as he was having an affair) that he still loved me. I believe he did. Again, emotions change from day to day, hour to hour and minute by minute....grieving and healing stages.

 

I believe she doesn't know what she wants. She wants you, but wants to experience life. Do you want her to be experiencing these things that she has been doing for the last year with you as her boyfriend? She would then be dating people behind your back, sleeping with others behind your back, sneaking behind your back. The pain that would bring you would be ten time worse my friend.

 

Writing your feelings down is the best therapy there is. You can put out anger, grief, humor, sarcasm, love. They are your thoughts, no one elses. A year from now you may read them and laugh.

 

People seek others with similar experiences to relate. People so desperately want answers on how to deal with things, and the advice they give makes sense because we can relate. But until you are ready even if you think you are, all advice will fall on deaf ears until you are ready to move forward.

 

Having no contact with someone you love or care for is one of the hardest things to go through. You wonder if I don't call, will they forget about me, will they not think I care anymore, will it piss them off? When they do contact us or they answer when we call, we start thinking maybe they do want us back and get our hopes up. Saying don't call or have contact is easy for everyone of us to say who has been through it, but in the end we have all struggled with it. I personally looked at it like an addiction. I made myself at first go hour by hour. Then those hours went to day to day. Each hour and each day I looked at it like a success. Don't put a time line on how long it should be before contacting them...take it hour by hour, then day by day. You will have good hours/days, and bad hours/days. But each time you make it through without contacting her, you have made one more step in success for YOURSELF! Your emotions are normal as long as they stay in perspective and don't get out of line.

 

What does her boyfriend think of her contacting you? Does he know, would he like it? Why was her car egged? Was it random or did she piss someone off? Did he piss someone off?

 

People often turn to self destruction i.e. you are drinking now, something you never have done. Are you keeping that in control? Are you happy or proud that you have done this to yourself? Is she worth you doing something to yourself you would not have done should she still be with you? Do your parents know? Be careful, do not mask your pain with something. I know, I have lived with it on both sides. My exhusband lost his dad at the age of 23...he turned to drugs. When things have gone wrong in my life, when it feels like I can't get through it I have turned to alcohol (and it runs in my family.) I struggle when things get tough to not turn to alcohol, but I know myself enough and have enough foresight within myself to know when enough is enough and to quit or to not drink at all. Are you prepared for what you might do once you are drunk? Things you may do or say? It sometimes makes you feel better and to let loose, but somedays it may bring out your depression. You have worked hard for what you have by going to graduate school, are you prepared to possibly lose all of your efforts or hard work if you begin drinking too much?

 

You have wonderful qualities, you deserve someone who shares your passion. One day you might meet someone who is even more better than your ex and brings you more happiness than you even thought possible. Maybe one day, it will be your ex. No one ever knows, it is not our place to know. We are given one life to live, not many people can say that they were given a second chance to live. What we do with our lives is a road mapped out for us already. We will have happiness, sadness, loss of life and new people/lives brought to us. Each thing that happens to us is an experience we are to learn from. Each thing will make us a different person through all of our experiences whether good or bad. It is up to us to learn from our mistakes, learn to let go of those things are not good for us, learn from our happiness. To turn to ourselves and grow, but to know ourselves enough to say enough is enough. You will come to that point, and when you do you will be much happier in your life. More happiness will come to you because you will be allowing it to come into your life and not blocking it over grief and dispair. You are a good person, you know that and so does she. Do not worry so much about her and what she is doing with her life. I'm not saying to stop caring about what happens to her, but don't worry about if she is going to call or what she meant by what she said. Heal yourself, concentrate on the good things in your life, focus on yourself. Only you can do it and in the end you will have found your answer.

[FCTex]

Bravo.........

 

Just..... Stunning post..

 

I've been sitting here crying, because I'm just so hurt right now, and I feel like I have no help, or hope..

 

Your post, just made me stop crying..

 

 

Your totally right in every aspect of what you just said.. I will live on. Someone out there deserves all the great things I have to offer, and who knows, it could be my ex, who might come back around from wanting to be free, and realize that what she had and what we had, was the greatest thing for both of us..

 

I don't want her to experience whatever she's doing with me. It wouldnt be fun to be drug along for the process, be it whatever she does. And all this happening is changing me as a person.. I'm learning from what I lost, and the things I've done.. If anything my love for her has grown, but in a different way..

 

Thank you for your post. It.. It really means alot to read that. To see someone who's picked it up and moved on... I makes me feel good to have a personal goal to not contact her.. for me. because I know if she really wanted to talk to me, she would. She wouldnt fight it back, and when the time is right, everthing will fall into place, be it whatever happens. I find some peace in that..

 

Tonight I attempted to contact my ex.. Twice. Once by e-mailing her back some song lyrics from a year ago, which were very special to us, and personal.. and with a note attached to tell her I was thinking of her, and came accross this e-mail. Mentioned how her physical location to me, is closer than ever and if she needs me for whatever reason, a 5 sec call, and a 20 minute drive, i could be there to help her. i told her I loved her, and wished her the best in school.. I didnt send it. I saved it as a draft, and kept it in my e-mail.. I sent her a text message tonight.. but as I got ready to push send.. it said that the text didnt go through. I took that as a second sign, to just close the phone. I didnt contact her tonight, and it tore me up. but I found a personal goal in it, that I kept from doing it. I felt better, letting go..

[NewPhillyGuy]

It's just not right what this girl is doing to you. You are both young like me, and I do realize that growing up is hard to do. I've been in so many tough situations myself where I wasn't sure what to do. However, that's not a reason to toy around with someone's heart like that.

 

I don't think there's any good reason which can justify what this girl is doing to you. It just seems like she's not settled and wants what she wants no matter whose feelings get hurt. It's tough for you because of your long history with her. I praise you for getting your masters and going on with your life despite all of this. That's a great accomplishment, and says so much about you as a person.

 

As hard it might be, you really need to break contact with her. Stop calling, emailing, texting, whatever. You need to tell her you are tired of her crap, and want nothing more to do with her. Tell her you've wasted enough of your time on her, and you want to make room in your life for someone who will truly love you and care for you. In time, she might wise up and change her ways, and maybe you will get back with her. However, I personally hope that you will meet someone so much better, and I'm sure that you will!