What am I supposed to do?

[SadnConfused]

Here is the story. I became involved in a relationship almost 3 years ago. I was 24 and she was 20. My girlfriend and I started off a wonderful relationship. We loved hanging out together. We went to tthe same college. We spent every night together. She would come and stay with my family. I would stay with her family. We loved going out, going to dinner. We did this stuff more than on a weekly basis. She said she loved me. She said our relationship was so perfect that every one she had had previously was not even close. I did everything for this girl. I would leaver her little notes or one of her favorite candies on the winshield of her car so it was there after she was done with work. I took care of her when she was sick. I was there at the drop of a hat when she needed me. I surprised her with gifts and shoes and clothes. We shopped together awesome. Nothing was uncomfortable between us we shared everything. Nothing was ever strange between us. We often talked about getting married and planned things we wanted to have at our wedding. We attended like 7 or more friends weddings together.

 

This leads me to the issues that have come up. Once in awhile her ex boyfriend would call. She said they were just friends and I accepted that. She was not from the same town as I am and when she would go home she would hang out with him once in awhile. As time went on I realized he is just a friend.

 

Moving on to the problem. She broke up with me Last July. I was working in a city next to her home town at that time. When she came over and told me I was devistated. She said she needed time to live her life a little bit so she didnt feel like she missed out on fun and had second thoughts when she was like 35 years old. I did not know what to do with myself. I left town for the weekend to go and be with my family. I turned off my cell phone. By the time I had to come back to Milwaukee there were 6 messages on my phone from her crying her eyes out and telling me she does not know what to do without me. I did call her and we cried together. We eneded up hanging out later that night and every night after that. I had graduated from college a couple of monthe before this happened. I did not like my job and decided to go back to grad school at the same college. Partly so we could be together again and partly to better our financial future. We were back at school for about a month then I decided to go up to my parents lake house for the weekend. She could not go because of work. When I came back into town and my phone came back into service I called her and jokingly said so you have any hot dates this weekend. (we did not have the title of BF/GF) She replied actually I met a nice guy. Again, I was devistated. I cried and prayed. We still talked once in awhile. She dated this guy for about 3 months. Around Christmas time she broke up with him and told me it is not the same with him. She saw she could never be with him. She came back to school after Christmans break and we were back in seeing eachother again. We did all the same stuff as usual, fun stuff spending the night, sex, ect. When school came to and end she spent a couple of nights with me. I was graduating with my masters and was going to be looking for a job so I was not going to be in the same town as her. She said I see myself being with you. If we can make it through this everything will be ok. The last thing we did before she moved back home was make love. We were not able to see each other for a few weeks. There were calls and texts that said I love you and appreciate you and I miss you. One of my friends from college was getting married in a town by hers We were going to the wedding together. We spent the night in a hotel for two nights and had a wonderful time. She said how much she loved me. She had to work the day I was leaving. I said I would wait around for awhile before I went home to see if she could get off a little early. I went and hung out with her dad for the day and finally decided I had to get back home. I was on my way home and I got a call 30 min. down the road. She was crying and saying she wanted me to stay. She said I will get you a hotel and pay for it. I sad I would love to and I love you please dont be upset I hate it when you cry. anyway a week went by and she would call me 5 times a day and tell me how much she loved me adn text me how much she missed me. On the weekend I went back to the lake house. On my way out of town she said how she wishes she could go and she misses my family. On my way home when I came back into service there were two messages. One said I love you and wish I was there and I am going out with some people from work tonight. The next one on Sunday was cold and said hey hows it going hope you had a good weekend. I tried to call her and could not get ahold of her. A day later she called and said I was watching movies with a guy from work. I was sad again. She has been hanging out with this guy for a week and she says they are dating now. She just told me she loved me? What is going on. She called today and said she was out on his boat with him all day.

 

Please give me some help. She says she does not want to do things half way with me. if we are to be together someday WE WILL BE TOGETHER like really be together. What should I do? I love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her. How do I get her back? She says she wants to be friends with me and be involved in my life and know what is going on with me. I want her to be my wife someday. She has to still love me doesnt she? Should I give her time to see no one will be like us? What if it is too late? Will she fall in love with this guy from work? Please help I cant go on anymore.

[SouthernSon]

This woman is how old? 35 years old? You don't make it clear.

 

The impression I get from what you have told us is that she can't make up her mind what she wants. She wants you there as she is familiar with you and can use you for a safety net when things aren't going well. But she wants to obviously be with other guys, otherwise she wouldn't be hanging out with them so much.

 

When someone uses another person in this manner, for a safety net of some kind, they are using that person as a doormat. It's happened to me before and I don't like it one bit. The first hint of it where that happened, I finally got wise to the situation and left.

 

Why did she keep calling all the time crying? Why did she keep text messaging you little 'i love yous'? And then she goes off to date this other guy?

 

I think I would break off contact with her for a few weeks and get some space.

[SadnConfused]

When We started dating she was 20 and I was 24. She is now 22 almost 23. I just turned 27.

[SadnConfused]

I will try to break contact for awhile. What if I lose her? I know she has to still love me. She admits she is confused. I hope she will realize someday what she is missing.

[Blackmsmithdave]

you sound like the best person in the world to be in a relationship with. She seems either too clinging or well to much the other way. im sorry things arent goin well for you right now and i feel for you i really do. i hope that things work out for you whatever that may entail. good luck

[heloladies21]

If she really cared for you then why would she act like that??? Going around and banging other dudes and then coming back to you at her liesure. It's just not right. You need to take a step back and see the big picture here. You really care for her that's obvious, but you're getting walked all over and that's not the way someone treats someone else that they love. It's going to be hard, but cut her off for good so you can move on and find someone who will love you, not &%$# you over!!!

[SadnConfused]

I need some more help. I can not get through the day. I appreciate the idea of not talking to her for awhile or maybe even ever. I would like some ladies opinions. Can any of you ladies help me out? I love her so much. It is hard to put into words how we are when we are together. She is very loving to me also. It seems like when we are apart she needs someone to hang out with. She is not banging other guys. She has not had sex with anyone besides me since i have known her.

[Jinx]

She seems confused, very confused. Or playing confused to get her cake and eat it too so to speak.

 

If she truly loves you so much, why would she jump for the opportunity to date any other man when you two are away. If I recall from reading the post she did that at least, what, two times after she admitted this undying love she has for you?

 

From my personal outlook, if I had a partner that good, and truly loved that individual as much as she claims to you, I wouldn't be out to date someone else each time the chance rang up. It seems she wants to test out guys, wondering if that love is true. In her comments, from what I see, she isn't truly sure of her feelings and thinking - Grass may be greener on the other side. Unfortunately she hasn't found it yet, and she knows you truly love her despite whatever she does and/or claims.

 

I think you need to lay down the law on the situation to some extent. Allow her to realize that if it is mutual love, its you and her. If she instead wants to spread her wings and test out guys and see the world, she can do so but not cause you pain in the process by crying and pulling on your heart strings when she doesn't find another mister perfect. Time for her to realize, you WILL eventually move on if she can't get her act together. If she can't get it in gear, you will be doing some testing too with possible NC so that your life is easier in the process and can heal these wounds she keeps busting open.

 

Allowing her to continue will just hurt more and more, things like that can end up hardening and making a person cold. You don't want that, as you sound like a fine individual. You need to do whats best for you, you're not the one at fault here. She is the one using you during this process making you a fall back when the world isn't perfect for her doings. That needs to stop. Any pulling away is painful, but if she can't get the idea and be fully commited, theres no future there between you two. If she can't, her love isn't true, as far as I can tell. True love like she states, you commit, not pull away and go out with someone else.

[SadnConfused]

It is so hard. So hard. I know what we are like when we are together. She said she wanted to date other people and have fun before she was finnished with college. Then, she said she wanted a career and to settle down. It is hard for me to meet women. I just got my masters degree I am looking for a job. I am sort of out of the mix. we were together (or for the most part) for 3 years.

[nikkers04]

I mean no one can honestly tell you what to do. They don't know exactly what has all went on. But as I can tell...maybe she does miss you but not exactly sure what she wants. And knowing that you want to be with her she got overwhelmed with her emotions and just started spilling things out. Maybe she does love you but when you didn't stay she took that as maybe you really dont want her and of course thats over reacting but thats how some girls think...I blow things out of proportion all of the time. All i can say is maybe call her and tell her u'd like to hang out with her...and see if being with her as nothing more than friends makes you both feel things that you don't currently other than that...all I can say is say screw her she isn't worth you....there is a quote that i try to live by but as you can tell....its not working. Don't cry over the one you love becuase the one you love should never make you cry!

[SadnConfused]

I guess I should tel you all we did end up talking today. I called and and said that I want her to be happy. I love her so what ever you have to do to be happy do it. I said I have plans for my life in which you were abig part of. I need to move on. She said she would like to remain friends and talk once in awhile. And she said thanks for calling I appreciate your call. Was this a good thing to say or did I royaly screw up?

[nikkers04]

I would say its a smart move...i"m young so you might not agree with what I have to say I mean I've only been in one serious relationship and its not going over so smooth right now. But what you did was good...you showed her that you still respect her and want her to be happy. If you need someone to talk to...cuz i know its hard I'm here!

[SadnConfused]

Thanks, I am so lonely without her. The record calls from her in one day is 17. We used to talk that much! Now, I sit here and think about her. Will she think about all we had? One day will she be sorry? I think I must try no contact but, I dont want to lose her. I know she still loves me and thinks she may end up with me or she would have told me that it will never happen again....right? She has told that to other people....

[SadnConfused]

What if this is just a phase?

[nikkers04]

No one truly knows what may happen...Its only you and her. I hope the best for you because I know exactly how you feel. Why would they say there is hope for us if they don't mean it. It makes no sense... I mean if they break up with you thats the hard part. Why try making it better you think they would try making it worse if they wanted nothing to do with you.

[SadnConfused]

I know it would almost be better if she said there will never be anything between us again. This is going to be the first day I am trying to start a no contact. I have managed to do it for like 5 days before. I am worried that she might fall in love with the guy she is currently dating if I put myself out of the picture. You all must understand I thought I was done looking. I thought I was done searching for thelove of my life. I thought I found it. We had plans. I gave her a promise ring and diamond earrings. Does she still think of this stuff? I dont want to hurt anymore. I just want to love and hold her.

[Leges39]

Hey Bud,

 

I will do my best to give you some insight based on my past loss.

 

I am learning more and more it is about timing. She is only 23….mine started looking for independence at 27…..

 

My ex did love me when we were together. I believe that, but as her life changed (going into a tough nursing program, she now had her own friends in chicago, and she had confidence as an independent she did not have before me) and my life was still on the marriage track as a couple while she became uncomfortable looking to explore with her new found independence and confidence she got from our relationship…

 

She no longer wanted marriage with me or at this point in her life. That is what I wanted and what we had planned just three months before we broke up…..my ex told me she needed to learn to be happy alone living alone and that she could no longer depend on me for that…she has a cousin that is in her mid 30's and I am guessing she (as an attorney) was coaching her it may be too early for her to marry when she has a chance to gain an independence and experiences she has never had and could not if she married me….

 

Funny, regarding the other guy, I dated a 22 year old that would tell her boyfriend she loved him, but sleep with me….she would tell me I gave her things and sex her boyfriend did not….but she is back with him….

 

The remain friends thing is impossible…..i tried soooooooooo hard to make that work, but it was tearing up my soul since is still loved her…I still see her since we have the same friends, but it is not easy… and that makes it uneasy for her…

 

I too thought my search was over…..when I met her, she had a promise ring from her past ex…she tossed it in a bar about 1.5 years into our relationship even though she liked the ring…that was a sign for me to give her one….engagement….i stalled and lost my chance…maybe…

 

What to do now? Stop it all. Do not call, talk, seek her out, look at pictures, old notes, etc. I believe she is too young to go there right now and you will only be spinnig your wheels even if she did come back….mine was 27 when she went through the transformation…she too met (but did not date) a different guy at work that began to show her there are other guys out there that may give her what I can't and she wants……….

 

I know it is confusing, especially after all the I love yous and the cards, etc….it is what it is and you must stop all with her and move on…..get some working out in, keep eating, buy some things, meet new people……there are more out there…..i started dating a girl that really blew my mind by giving me things that the ex never did but I chose to live without…..move on.

[SadnConfused]

I can take most of what you said to heart but, there are a few things that are different about her. First off she does not just throw sex around. We waited for almost a year before we got into it on a more than regular basis. I dont think I am worried about her having any sexual experiences at this point, if she did I think it would end her relationship faster..... The next thing is that she will be graduating college in december. She always said she wanted to be married by the time she was 24. She will be 23 in Oct. I know things change but do you think there is any chance she will come around? Your message seems to be so concrete. Should I give up that easy when we just spoke about how much we love each other less than 2 weeks ago? I am going to try and not speak with her for a while. She will be coming back to the town I live in for college in Sept. Maybe by that time she will have had some time? I just dont think I will be able to live thinking that what if we would have tried it again. At least then there could be some closure, right? she told me that she would like to have me be part of her life. She wants to know how I am doing, what I have been up to and how my job is going. Does that not say there is a chance and she does still love me?

 

 

I read something one time that said - enfatuation you can get over in a day or two. Love you can get over in a month. Good love takes a year. Great love you will never get over.

[SadnConfused]

So why did she say she loved me to my face less than 2 weeks ago? Why did she call me 5 or 10 times a day that week after i left? Why did she cry when I left her town the last time and offer to pay for a hotel for me to stay one extra night? Why does she send me a text message on the 4th of July? Why does she not say there will never be anything between us again? Why does she say if we get back together we will REALLY get back together nothing half assed? Why would she say any other relationship she has had in her life was nothing compared to us?

[Leges39]

Why did my ex tell me who was standing up in our wedding just three months before it ended? why did my ex tell me she wanted my mother's engagement ring for her? Why did she tell me it was because of nursing school she had to move out? Why did she tell me her sister and families were rooting for us to be back together? Why did she say she thought about us and a future after the breakup? Why did she continue to keep our picture up in her living room for months after the breakup? Why did she cry in my arms and wish we never broke up? Man, I could go on and on too……she once told me she got so ill about the breakup she was throwing up……

 

In my eyes, they have to sugar coat it to make it easier to swallow and on you and me.

 

she continued to give me hope turning me into a basket case. it either is or is not.

[SadnConfused]

How long ago did all of this happen again?

[SadnConfused]

She sounds psycho. Never going to hold a stable relationship. Maybe that is how my ex is too. I will find out someday then I guess. I would prefer messages in which people think have to do WITH my situation and what they think. Yours and mine are similar in some ways but i think different in many.

[Leges39]

august 1 of 2004 she told me she was moving out.....did not come to me to talk about it, but just told me that it was final....in sept, she told me she wanted to try to stay and work it out (right before we attened a wedding for the people downstairs), but after the wedding she decided to move...she was out by oct. 1, and i did all i could do to help because we were "still dating" as she said....then as she started pulling away but keeping me close we broke up by mid oct.......we went back and forth trying to be friends....by march...she finally told me the truth....christmas and new years was such a roller coaster....

 

i lost a lot of weight and started counseling just trying to keep what i thought could be resesitated.....when all along she knew the truth but could not tell me out of fear of losing me all together when she still felt lonely herself...alone in her new place with no car and only my friends to turn to.....

[Leges39]

i think you are wroing about the phsyco thing....all of my female friends and counselor just see it as a weakness the dumper has toward a dumpee they really did love...it took her time to finally end it for me...

 

i tried to help....good luck.

 

just don't let yourself get hurt....demand she be truthful now!

[SadnConfused]

Has she not laid it on the line for me? She does not want me out of her life nor has she said we will never be together again. This is a time when I should probably let her figure out her life. It is hard for me I want to talk to her and be with her. I have never went back to an ex before in my entire life. One time I was dating a great girl for about 8 months. I broke her heart. Almost two years later I almost went back to her. Does anyone think that she will realize what she is missing?