Confused & Need Advice

[M0ssim0]

Hi,

 

Can anyone give me some impartial advice? My girlfriend broke-up with me on Sunday saying that she can't help the way she feels. We currently live together in a house my father owns rent free. She is currently staying with her sister but cannot stay there permantly so will have to move from one friends to the other.

 

She recently in the last two weeks given her job up. She has been working long hours and has been suffering from stress/depression. About 3 months ago her doctor perscribed her drugs and adivsed her to go to counselling. She stopped taking the drugs after a week, against my advice, and never went to see the counseller.

 

I could tell she was unhappy recently but just put it down to leaving her job. She now has no money, no job and no where to live.

 

I meet her yesterday to try and talk about things. She said that she has been unhappy for a couple of months and that she doesn't know what she wants. Even though it hurts seeing her belongings i have agreed that she can keep her stuff here until she finds somewhere. She is coming back on Sunday to help pack her stuff up away into the spare bedroom. I have also agreed to look after her cat until she has got somewhere.

 

She admits that she is scarred. Am i wrong in trying to help her out? I don't want to kick her in the teeth when she is down, it seems like i should be helping her but it was her decision to call things off. I have even offered to give her some money for a bond/deposit on an appartment.

 

Since yesterday we have also been texting each other on our mobiles to check on each other and she text me again today to see how i was coping.

 

I love her to bits and am wondering whether she is just confused and whether her depression might have something to do with it. I could be just trying to cling to false hope.

[RayKay]

I would say her depression possibly has a LOT to do with it. Of course, it also may not, and it may not mean either that if the depression was gone things would change.

 

When someone is depressed, often they remove the most "present" thing in their life, or they look for blame. If she is depressed, and refused to take meds and get counselling to delve into the issues, she transferred the issues onto you and the relationship. By removing you now she feels that might fix things. But, if she is depressed she will soon find that is not the case at all.

 

I am curious as to why she stopped the meds, and also did not go the counselling? Her doctor was wise to prescribe BOTH (that is most successful combination) so it is a shame she did not give them enough of a try if she truly does suffer depression.

 

I think it is fine to do some things to aid her - as in keep her stuff locked away until she finds somewhere stable, and to watch her cat. I think even helping her find a place to a point is fine. But, make sure you DO set limits. I would be very careful about lending her money...to me that would be enabling her. While I know you feel you would be helping, in reality unless she can learn to depend on herself, it is only going to bring her down more as she loses her own independence and even self esteem in herself if she feels she needs others to get her through. It would be different if she was laid off, but she did give it up voluntarily, and I think in that note she needs to find another voluntarily. She chose to break it off with you, so needs to also realize that means you cannot be her saviour either.

 

Keep contact down, texting every now and then to see how search for a place is going is one thing, texting several times a day to see how each other is coping is not. When you break up, it is time to turn to other support networks you have, not your ex. All that does is prohibit healthy healing and leads to mixed signals and confusion.

[Vert]

I hear you bro, and specifically I understand RayKay's advice to be sound. My current ex-gf had a bout with depression last week, and took out her frustrations on me twice which really damaged my view of her for the time being (if not permanently). By trying to remove me from the equation and taking out pain on me, she tried to cure herself of this depression only to find out I'm not the root cause of it.

 

I would say to heed RayKay's advice and just keep contact to a minimum. I've been searching for advice from friends, and I think that is the wisest course of action for you too right now.

[M0ssim0]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I'm not too sure why she stopped taking the pills, she never really started them. I think she felt she didn't need them and she was also worried about the side-effects. e.g. weight gain. A part of me thinks she is confused and is lashing out at the closest one to her as she is scarred.

 

The decision she has taken couldn't have been easy, as it has meant that she is now homeless, jobless, has no money and no boyfriend to support her financially. She could have quite easily had lead me on until she had made other plans. I have to respect her for this and this one of the reasons why i want to help her as reasonable as possible. At the moment i have no bitterness towards her and even though i am the one being dumped i feel sorry for her.

 

I am trying my hardest not to contact her, but it's like an addiciton. Once she has text me back i am ok for a couple of hours. Also a part of me feels that if she is just confused she may just need time and i should hang in there. She has also text me to ask how i am as she is worried about me.

 

Love is never easy is it!

[btbt]

Sounds like you are being a good friend, especially when depression scares so many people away. Hang in there, but hang tough. You might be faced with an emotional roller coaster. I hope both of you fare well.