ever felt like you were cheating after 1 year?

[flutterby]

I was dating a guy for the past month who recently told me that he feels as if he is cheating on his ex whenever he starts to hang out with someone. He told me this after he stood me up for a date. He works with his ex and I also work with him as well. They were together for 4 years, living together part of that time and have been broken up for a year now. He says that he never sees or talks to her other than at work. She has moved on and has been in 2 other relationships since him and told some mutual friends that she will always love him but they will never be back together. She kind of likes to play little head games with him too and its like she doesnt want him but doesnt want anyone else to have him either. He told me that he thinks Im an awesome girl but he has this issue he needs to work on. So we have decided to remain friends although he still flirts with me a lot and calls me a lot. I am wondering if there is anything I can say to this guy to help him get through this? Any guys out there ever felt this way? I know it has to be tough since he sees her at work all the time.

[SimoneTiger]

I know exactly what he is talking about. I felt like I was cheating on my ex #1 when I got together with... Well, another ex I had dated about an year before ex #1 left me for someone else. No actul feelings for ex #2, we were just enjoying each other's presense, but I still felt like I wasn't being true to ex #1. I ended up geting back together with ex #1, but we broke up after another year or two, this time for good--thank God.

 

flutterby, I don't know if you or anyone else will be able to help him with his feelings at all. This is something he needs to get over personally. I am sorry if I sound discouraging, but he must get over his ex without outside influence before beginning a new relationship, or he will always be comparing you to his beloved ex (and not in a good way--just considering "what he lost" by dating you instead of her, my own experience).

 

My advice: stay away from someone carrying this much baggage; you'll both get hurt in the end. Good luck!

[RayKay]

This guy is clearly not healed, and while it sucks for you, it is better he was honest about his feelings right now and put an end to things before they started, knowing ahead of time he would not be able to give you what you deserved.

 

If he is still at point where being with you would feel like cheating to him...things would of likely been rough for the two of you and his feelings would not be fully THERE for you, nor would you have much of a fair chance.

 

Perhaps he will heal and you will have another chance with him, perhaps not, but I do think armed with this knowledge, it is best you do not attempt to get too serious in this relationship at the moment. I too have been with someone who was not "quite over" their ex (though I did not know it yet!), and trust me, it is not a very good situation for your self esteem when you will always be compared to the ex, or he will always be thinking of the pain from that relationship and carry it forth to this one.

 

You can be a friend, and have fun together, just don't close other doors, get out there and continue to date others and keep your options open. In other words, don't hang onto this guy hoping for what may never happen, as you might just miss the one

[Jetta]

He seriously needs to find a new job. The problem is he still sees her everyday at work! That is why there is this unnatural feeling of cheating on her.

[shorty20]

I really would be carefull with this one. I dated a guy, that had just broken up with his girlfriend of three years. He was so great, nice, funny, and georgous, and we had alot of fun together. Then he just backed off. We always hung out in groups with all of our friends, and he totally blew me off. We'd been hanging out for like 3 weeks at the time. Although we didn't say we were together, his friends would say things that made me believe that one day he wanted it. I didn't want to push him though. Then he called me, apologized for blowing me off, and asked to meet up, where he told me he wasn't over his ex, and didn't want to hurt me, and so he wanted to be friends and take things slow... work though his feelings before he tried to be with someone else. Then he ended up kissing me that night... kissing escaladed, and we ended up just becoming really sexual. Eventually, after about a week or two, I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt I was being used. He'd talk about his ex constantly, just random stories, but he claimed he was over her. I told him he needed to go back ot her. Try to sort things out because he was obviously still in love, and he didn't even hesitate. He went running back to her, but when he found out she was already dating someone else, he came running back to me... I really do want a relationship with you now, blah blah blah.... i told him he needed to think about it for a little longer and make sure he knew what he wanted, and he was like "well can you just give me head one more time? I'm really horny" I left that night and never looked back. I finally realized what he wanted, and didn't want him to get it from me. He now has a new girlfriend, and still constantly tells us how he is still in love with his ex... Now, I'm not saying that this is the same thing that will happen to you. I just wouldn't want anyone to make the same mistake, because it did hurt me alot that he didn't have the same feelings for me, and that he could say he cared about me so much and then treat me like he did. Be so so carefull.... I would maybe try to play hard to get.. make him want you, and chase you... thats what i would do.... hope my story helped, but good luck! I hope everything works out!

[benevolent]

This guy, as nice as he may be, is definitely not over his ex or the breakup. He needs some serious time to heal and better himself, especially since his ex works with him and he had to witness her 2 past relationships. Just because someone is 'dating' after a breakup doesn't mean that he/she is ready to engage in another meaningful and committed relationship. For a couple to be together that long and to not have some serious healing time is wrong. Some people just feel compelled to not be alone and convince themselves that they are healed and ready to move on and date. They preach and rehearse their mantras, claim total change, but ultimately it is still the same person who is trying to use another scheme.

 

Dating during post breakup should be about enjoying someone's company and possibly finding that companionship and happiness that the person once had. It shouldn't be a temporary band aid to quell some loneliness or to fill a void. It's not fair to him and it is absolutely not fair to the other party.

 

I often crack up when I read some posts of how people instantly change after a horrible break up and that they are dating only after a few months when it's clearly obvious that they are not over their ex or the sting of the breakup and baggage that follows which is obviously still there.

 

Be a support and good friend to him, but also realise that he needs his space to heal as well. Let him know that it is okay to be alone for a while and that he will heal in TIME.

[flutterby]

Jetta,

I too feel as if this is a huge part of the problem and I wish it was that easy for him to just change jobs. He has spoken to me about it before but not in reference to his ex although some where in his mind I am sure he must realize too that this is a big part of the problem. He makes really good money at his job and has been there for many years. He has a degree to teach but it will not make anything close to what he is getting now nor will it ever. He was talking to me about other options he could look into. He told a mutual friend of ours that he liked me but he was leary of getting involved with someone he works with and the friend said he shouldnt worry about it cause his ex has already been in 2 relationships even though they werent people he knew. I am uncertain whether he was worried about putting a relationship in her face so to speak or if he was more concerned about her causing trouble for us if we did get together or if he was worried about the possiblilty of having to work with 2 ex's some day or all of the above. At any rate I dont know how he can put any distance between them so he can heal?