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Complicated Love Triangle

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I have been seeing my boyfriend for 3 months now (before that we were friends for about 5). I love him, but am not in love with him, at least I'm not there yet. At the same time I have also been spending a lot of time with and hanging out with (though not really "dating") a good friend of mine whom I either have been in love with or have very strong feelings for. To make a long story short, my boyfriend has gone away for the summer and I have been continuing to hang out with this guy. Last week I spent the night at his house, we did not have sex (I insisted), but did play around and slept together. Today, this guy told me that he has just started to date a girl who is a friend of mine whom he has been in love with (which I knew/at least suspected about). My boyfriend is coming to visit in 2 days. Should I tell him about what happened? If yes, should I let him decide about whether or not to end the relationship, or should I just pre-emptively end it myself? I think that this only happened because of my strong feelings for this particular person, and would not happen with anyone else, but I can't be sure. I appreciate any advice.

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Always build a relationship on honesty and trust.


There is ways that he will potentially find out for himself in the future, so it will be best to tell him. Don't go into the nitty gritty detail, but tell him the big picture. I would not pre-empt anthing, but wait for him to deal with it how he sees fit, unless of course you are not interested to be in the relationship anymore.


....lastly, it is always a good idea to rather break up first with one partner, before playing the field.....

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"The truth will set you free." I'd tell him, not the entire story, that you've been seeing someone else while he was gone, that you almost had sex, but insisted no too. Let him decide where to go from there, since you are in a relationship with him he does deserve the right to know what's been going on behind his back. Just keep in mind for the future though, if you were dating a guy who came close to cheating on you with some other woman, how would it make you feel if you found out. Just curious, people are smarter than we give them credit for. Cheaters get found out all the time....


Take care

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Thanks for the advice. I decided to tell him when he comes to visit me for two weeks on Wednesday. I feel bad to have to spoil our first day together, but I know that I have to do it if I want to stay in this relationship. He's been telling me on the phone these last couple of days how much he misses me and how he looks forward to seeing me, and can't wait to hold me, which makes what I have to do that much more difficult. I also know that he will never find out if I don't tell him, he does not know and there is no chance (I am pretty certain of that) that he will ever meet either of the other people involved here. But, I agree with both posters - the truth will set me free for better or worse. And I guess that this is an obvious symptom that something has not been working in our relationship, I think know what the something is actually.


Mostly, me not feeling like I could open up emotionally/psychologically to him just because we never discussed those sorts of issues, or because based on his previous reactions I felt that he wouldn't understand, or has shown little or no interest in things like that. Of course, I can't just write this off and say that it's his fault or he is not deep enough for me because I never confronted him with the fact that this has bothered me so much. He also has shown little interest in meeting and getting to know my friends, though I have made no serious effort to introduce him, but when I insist that he come and hang out somewhere with some of them, he usually does not object. I mean, if I were starting to date someone, one of the first things I'd wanna do is to meet my boyfriend's friends and know and check up on all of his exes.


It's hard because I think given a choice, I would have done the exact same thing with the other guy, even given what I know now. I have had very strong feelings for him and just wanted to be with him. At the same time, I know that he used me, albeit unintentionally and that he does not love me whereas my boyfriend does. So I am really frustrated with myself for having done what I did despite knowing that.


Just for the record, this is the first time I've done anything like this, cheated on someone I mean. I know trying to rationalize it does not make what I did any better, but I honestly believe that I was under this guy's spell. Today, i wrote him a very extensive letter and broke off our friendship/relationship of two years. I told him all the things I felt for him and about how much he's hurt me, apparently he's done this kind of thing before, that's what I hear from the girl whom he is planning to start dating who came over tonight to have a talk. In case anyone is interested, the ages here are 26/26/21.


Happy Independence Day!

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Definitely being honest is important in your relationship. But also you said you've only been dating your new guy for 3 months and that he is away for the summer. You are involved in a young relationship and need to decide if you really want or like this guy or if you truly are ready to be involved in another relationship right now. Maybe you aren't and you should just date for awhile until you aren't thinking about someone else. If you really are not interested and you're just hanging on to him to have someone, don't be selfish. Give the poor guy a break and let him go.

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