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I feel like such an IDIOT

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The other night i acted like such a fool. There are a group of guys who I've chatted to and been involved with for over a year now. I was seeing one of them and he treated me like crap and I got really hurt. His brother always tried it on with me and I really fancied him too and we ended up sleeping together once i'd broken up with his brother. then there's their friend who always tried it on with me too and when i was drunk I slept with him too. I know that makes me sound like a #### but to be honest I saw them sleeping around with anyone they could get and I suppose I was just a bit jealous and wanted to be 'one of the lads' too. Well over the past few months I decided to treat myself with more respect and leave these guys totally alone and I have felt much more positive about myself and my life for it. But over the past few weeks the friend who I'd slept with before kept texting me saying how much he had loved it and how he wanted us to do it again. At first I was like "no way" but then I decided it was just a bit of fun and agreed that we should. but the other night when i saw him, i was so nervous that we had said we were gunna go home together I drank way too much and was absolutely out of it. According to my friends (I can't actually remember) I was arguing with them because they wanted me to get in the taxi with them but i was refusing because i wanted to go home with this guy. Apparently all his friends found it hilarious and on the way home I was talking absolute rubbish to this guy saying that i wanted to be his girlfriend and stuff when that isn't true! Anyway it was a complete disaster and i can't even remember if we had sex and i made a complete prat out of myself infront of my parents because they were waiting up for me coz my friends had rung them saying they had lost me.


I rang the guy the next day to ask if i needed to go to the chemist, but the second he knew it was me he made some excuse and hung up which was really rude and hurtful. All i wanted was a bit of fun that night but it turned into the total opposite.


I am so confused and frustrated and angry. Sometimes i just want some fun, other times i want a serious relationship. i seem to take it really personally when these guys try it on but just want some fun because i seem to crave acceptance from them for some reason. I am jealous that they are men and i am a woman because they seem to just have fun and not get attatched to the women and use them but i and other women get attatched to men. sometimes i feel ashamed of being a woman and getting so attatched so i try to prove to myself and others that i don't always get attatched by sleeping with these men then not talking to them for months afterwards. trouble is i do get attatched and it makes me angry that they don't.


I don't know what i want. I think i want a serious relationship but then i am ashamed to get attatched and be all needy and pathetic. i always feel very flattered when these guys want to take me home with them, but at the same time i hate them because i know they just want "some fun". I don't know why i am so jealous and want to be like them because if i'm honest they are not very nice guys and deep down i know they aren't really happy. Am i turning into them and using people to create a sense of self-power? what's going on? i don't want to be a horrible person. i want to feel normal.


Why are so many men like this? Why am i like this?

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I agree with reflectionless,


It sounds like you have low self esteem and are looking for acceptance through sleeping with these guys. It doesn't sound like you really feel good about sleeping with them, as you had to drink yourself into oblivion in order to justify sleeping with a guy whom you know is only using you.


It isn't really flattering to be used for sex, and I suspect you are starting to realize that now. These men don't respect you. You are going to need to find other ways to gain your own self respect and learn that you deserve and will earn respect from other people, when you have it for yourself.


Have you considered taking a class? Learning a new skill is a good way to boost your self esteem and help you to feel good about yourself. Also, spending time with friends who aren't interested in bedding you, but truly care about your welfare, may help you see your own worth.


Try to lay off the booze too. It clouds your judgement and helps you do foolish things you regret later, which doesn't do anything to promote self esteem.


Lastly, stay away from this group of guys who claim to be your friends. Trust me, a true friend would have your best interests at heart, and it's clear that these selfish guys only have their own interests at heart.

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