why am i me??

[wierdo]

well here it is.

 

i have been emailing this guy for a couple of months.. we met a couple of weeks ago, hooked up for a glorious weekend. then i sent a text that wasn't replied to, and an email. waited a day. got a fairly nice email back. sent another email. got a semi impersonal email in return.

 

sent a text, which wasn't replied to. called him up. he sounded happy to hear from me. but me being me i said " i just wanted to know where this was going" because i hate not knowing at the start.. especially when you get no contact for over a day. and he said "i'm not sure what i'm answering here.. blah blah.. not sure about a r'ship, but happy to keep seeing each other etc.." and so i got embarrassed and said i should go, i feel like a bit of a tool, but he kept the conversation going.. you know.. hows your weekend, what's going on..etc.. and then goes "well thanks for the weird phone call..." i go.. "oh, expect a lot of that.. you know, what are you wearing etc" he says "well i can handle that one.. a tie and a bell" and we have a giggle etc.

 

so i was pretty happy with that. the next day i send a text again that says "hey, want to catch up tonight" he says "not tonight dude, already made plans, sorry" so i was like "sweet. hey didn't mean to freak you out, just feel like a tool when i don't know what to say.. have a good one"

 

so now he hasn't text back, it has been a few hours.. and i'm going through the same old routine.. ong, what if he's being polite and trying not to hurt my feelings etc..

 

what's your opinion?

 

oh, and i really want to write a nasty letter to my dad.. i don't think i'll have the guts to, but that's how it goes i gues..just the usual abandonment issues.. why did you leave, why don't you accept that i AM your daughter, it wouldn't hurt to come and see your grandchild, do you realise the impact you've had on my life, why don't you call.. all of that BS..

 

why am i struggling to come to terms with it? you know i have been to counsellors, and talked till i'm blue in the face, but i still don't have any answers.. which i think is what i need.. no use asking father cos he doesn't care.... OMG!!!! why is it all so frustrating??

 

ok, even freaked self out just now..

 

i guess i just want to know if there's any way i can make it right??

 

thanks guys

 

weirdo

[arwen]

Ok, weirdo, one thing at a time!

 

First of all, to be honest, the guy doesn't seem into the idea of a serious relationship with you. If I were you, I would simply cut him off. It sounds blunt, but it is. A guy who fancies you doesn't call you 'dude'.

 

Second of all, I'd suggest to approach guys a bit differently. I recognize your feeling here, wanting to be sure, etc. Honestly, I think you scared him away by the where-is-this-going chat after only one meeting.

 

I have the feeling, and that is just MY impression, that you are really vulnerable. Don't let guys take advantage of you.

 

Then there is the situation with your father that I am not really familiar with at this point, as I understand he left and you are left with some big issues. You feel tired and angry of all the counselling you needed to go through because of him leaving. Have you read 'Reinventing your life' by Klosko&Young? You can look at up at the main page of enotalone, I am sure there is a description of it.

 

I have dealt with anxiety of abandonment/rejection, both due to a childhood in which I was bullied for 10 years at school and nearly lost my mother at the age of 11 (she had a severe and aggressive form of cancer and it's a true miracle she's still here). It is not weird that you have these issues, clearly they find their source in having grown up without your father because he simply left.

 

Your topic is titled 'Why am I me?'. I hope you will soon have the power to say 'It will be great to be me, and I will work hard to make that happen!'

 

Ilse.

[babybear]

You are right here, you should know what is going on and if the guy isn't honest with you then it's not worth it because you will just keep getting worried like you are doing now and if this is happening NOW what are you going to be like later on if you develop deeper feelings for him?

[Blackmsmithdave]

the guy doesnt seem to want anything deep right now, and i agree if he really liked you he would not call you dude. i wouldnt.

also if you want to know if something is going to be serious then try to be a little calmer and more smoth about it or you may make him run away. lol

[wierdo]

meh.. okay, i know i chased the poor guy away.. i really need to relax..that's what my sister said too..

 

i'm not going to call any more.. it's one thing to look like a stalker, quite another to feel like one...

 

 

i've had a bad run with guys is all, and i think i'm chasing them away before i can get hurt myself..

 

i need to date a shrink i think. lol

 

thanks folks.. was having a really bad day that extended itself i think..

 

no doubt i'll be posting again in a few weeks.. being a pisces doesn't help...

 

lol

thanks

[arwen]

Hey weirdo!

 

I think being insecure can also make you attract persons that you really don't need. Good thing you will stop contacting him. Who knows he will be like "what the heck?" and start calling you, at least you'll have your power back here, and not be in control of everything. That can be suffocating on both sides.

 

I am a Pisces too,... anything bad gonna happen I should know about ?

 

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[RayKay]

Well weirdo, I do think maybe you scared him a bit when you got SO aggressive right after meeting him about where things were going.

 

Relationships are not "decided", they are developed mutually. Early on, both partners are still testing the waters so to speak, and allowing their feelings to develop...rushing someone to commit before they are not sure of their feelings or desires just turns them right off. They feel trapped and backed into a corner, and wonder what that "pressure" signals for the person as a whole, or for the relationship.

 

People want to develop/evolve into a relationship as it feels right, when it feels right.

 

When things are right, they just are, and they will progress, but you should not be forcing a timeline on how they should happen so early on..it would scare ANYONE away I think!

 

I think you really need to deal with that sense of abandonment with your father - many people had parents who left/divorced (myself included) but healed and do not source that as their "issue" so the fact that you source that YEARS later is a big indicator that you really need to confront that with more or different therapy/counselling in my opinion before you can more forth to a healthy relationship. Otherwise, this fear will ALWAYS translate into reality...we create our own realities by allowing our fears to translate to our actions...I am not sure how much help you have had, but you may need to look at other options on how to stop placing blame and resentment, and look a healing and forgiveness in order to move on.