ex GF had doubts about my sexual orientation...WTF???

[wannagruv]

the skinny is i'm a guy who's very happy to have been and always be straight. nonetheless, my ex gf ended our six-month relationship because she had MAJOR concerns about my orientation. the moments in question were that a handful of times in the past i'd gone to a gay bar in town. the real context of why i went, and which she selectively doesn't hear/understand, is that i was there strictly to listen to certain DJ's i absolutely enjoy listening to. if that person happened to be playing at a "regular" bar vs. an alternative one, is irrelevant to me. besides, i'm comfortable enough in my own sexuality that i've never had a problem entering that type of estalishment, being comfortable and interacting with the patrons.

 

this was THE major issue that in her mind she was unable to get over; thus, forcing her to end things. there were a few additional concerns she had as well, but they could have been addressed and likely resolved, if not for her being so concerned with the primary issue.

 

after her phone call, i emailed her my NC terms, which is now only in its fifth day. i'm absolutely sure there were no 3rd parties involved or any desire for her to look elsewhere. after much discussion, we both narrowed down the catalyst to this whole unfortunate ending to be what i stated in the beginning.

 

this was an especially tough one for me to handle because even after such a short romance, we both progressed quickly to the point that we even discussed the "m" word, for one thing.

 

what gives? females are especially welcome to provide their insight.

[arwen]

Hey wannagruv,

 

I am sorry for your pain/confusion. From what I read, there can be two things at stake: either she had experiences in the past with exes who might indeed be unsure about their sexual orientation, or this is a plain excuse to break up, and not the reason.

 

Are there any other things in the relationship that raised questions in the past, maybe odd behaviours you just cast aside and didn't think of?

 

To me this is quite an odd reason to break up.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[heloladies21]

Sounds like she made up a pretty ridiculous excuse to break up with you. Stay in NC and keep living your life. Talk to lots of other girls.

[fate or freewill]

I agree, keep NC going here and move on.

 

When someone wants out of a relationship, they can find any excuse to justify their actions.

 

This helps to relieve thier guilt for ending a relationship and hurting the other party.

[darkblue]

Clear your head. Be comfortable with who you are. Move on.

[skyteph]

Maybe she is /just/ unsure about your sexual orientation! Maybe going to a gay bar has put little doubts in her mind and she wants to end it before she gets hurt..?

[Shadows Light]

There is nothing else that she can base that opinion on besides you've gone to alternative bars to listen to DJ's????

 

Personally...it strikes a chord with me because I was married to a guy and there were red-flags all over the place...and yep.. I questioned his orientation.. in the beginning. And then there were times during the marriage that I thought...hmmm somethings not right... and finally.. I found tons of gay porn on our computer... and he said he was just "curious"... hmmmm.

 

I left the marriage........and this was not the sole reason. Just a sliver of the many other reasons. Lot of hard data to anylize and process.... to form an intelligent decision of cutting loose.

 

Anyway... I don't think I'd have left if he'd gone to listen to music a few times at an alternative bar. Not enough data to come up with an anaysis that would cause me to "worry".

 

Ssssssssssoooooooooooo... I guess, unless you can talk to her and reassure her in some way.. then you're better off with the NC and move on. Don't give it a second thought. Her issue not yours.

[bluejeans]

8) That is another concern I had recently just before me and

my boyfriend broke up last time.

He didn't go to the gay bars as far as I know,but one day he

was playing with his nipples in front of everyone,and acted as

though he was just playing around,but it has me wondering!!!

It just didn't look right.

He's admitted when he was younger that he dressed up as a girl before

and I didn't really think nothing of it,until he played with his nipples that

day.

He's always putting down his neices gay friends,but I still wonder

about him now.

He's probably not gay,but who knows?

[wannagruv]

seventh day of NC and counting...

 

here are a few more details about this situation:

 

her commitment was very evident in that she actually moved out here for me, choosing to leave a close support group (fam/friends) and a stable job she absolutely loved.

 

her other major concern was that she had issues with the intimacy not being romantic enough. i actually concur, but we could not work to resolve this because her focus was primarily on the "gay bar" issue.

 

in evaluating this mess, the tragic thing is that a snowflake in her mind somehow turned into an avalanche. ALL of it could and should have been avoided if there was better communication.

 

thanks again for listening!

[wannagruv]

long time no talk fellow ENA'ers. reason being is i was doing in the past two months what i wasn't supposed to be doing as a dumpee...begging, pleading, trying, removing all of my self-respect to get back together. i finally committed to a full NC process last week, and it's been a difficult seven days so far. although i had not called her since, i did send two emails -- the first of which on my first day of NC stated to her what i was going to do (in a respectable manner), and the second was a friday response to her unanswered phone call last thursday (again reiterating my intentions to heal first before even considering communication of any kind or even a friendship. also wishing her the best, good luck finding her perfect guy, etc.).

 

a few minutes ago she called me again and this time left a voicemail, saying to the effect of "i know you're probably ignoring my calls right now...it's understandable...take care". also referencing some nature-induced incidents near my area and making sure i was alright.

 

i still don't plan to initiate contact anytime soon as i am still in the early stages of finally taking care of priority number one...me.

 

wish me luck.

 

quick addendum - one of her original concerns was that i treated her "too much like a pornstar" in bed. for some women, that's probably a compliment, but for her...the more i think about why it didn't work out between us is that maybe she had too much of an idealized, romanticized, hollywood version of sexual expression. on the other hand, although i do not agree (offended, really) of her questioning my orientation, i do agree that i should have been more aware of how she wanted me to share our intimacy together. definitely one lesson learned through this whole ordeal.

[zcloud]

A few years ago one of my previous boyfriends before this last one that I'm on this site for was a DJ. That whole scene is very "gay friendly" if you ask me; and some of these people who do the rave like thing take extasy which makes even the straight people hug and sometimes kiss.

It's part of that culture and if seen as that it's not threatening. I would stay out of gay bars, unless she wants to go. If you're not hugging/hanging on gay men when drunk or dogging em out when you're sober, then she shouldn't worry. Now that it's an issue though it will be hard to convince her, sounds like she has made up her mind on what she wants to believe.

[wannagruv]

so far: i've been frequently going out with friends, finally found a buyer for my home so now actively looking for a new residence, working out more often, showing my perma-smile to whomever i meet, planning a trip to oz/nz early next year, submersing myself in work, trying to finally move on. still...i find myself thinking about her too much, watching my phone, wondering if/when she'll call again. thing is, i already have a response if she were to ever re-attempt contact. i'd send her a polite email telling her unless she was trying to reach me in order to work things out, i'd have no interest in a friendship any time in the foreseeable future.

 

absolutely blows, but i know this is the only way for me to finally get back on track with my life. so frustrating...

[wannagruv]

so after 3 weeks of not speaking with her, she called last monday. she didn't leave a message on my cell but did leave a message on my home number, telling me she wanted to talk and for me to call her back. since i'm not yet over her (and to avoid sounding like a sniveling wuss...again), i refrained from picking up the phone and instead emailed her the next day. my message was short, polite, to the point, saying that i'd be open to chatting if she were interested in having a serious discussion about working things out between us. if not, i understood but asked that she also respect why i couldn't speak with her in the immediate future. no response, so i broke and called her last saturday. luckily it was her voicemail, so i left a message saying that i wanted to make sure she received my email and then asking her what she wanted to discuss. haven't heard from her since then.

 

all of those old, desperate, needy feelings started to come up again (and things were slowly yet surely starting to progress for me in those 3 short weeks). i will resist calling her back albeit without lack of temptation. i probably won't answer if she does call back and instead will listen to her voicemail, if any, and take my cue on what to do from there.

 

in the meantime, i know i've done a good job so far about not overanalyzing, but i'm wondering why she would leave a message for me to specifically call her back to talk, yet, she hasn't responded after my reply. the obvious answer is that she probably didn't want to talk about getting back together, and i'm starting to accept that now. what other possibilities could there be?

[heloladies21]

Much too harsh. Someone on here said it's like using a nuclear bomb when all that is needed is a knife.

 

If she was beginning to entertain the thought of getting you back, you made it too serious and scared her off. If she does contact you next time, be cool and calm and in control of your emotions. If you're still not ready to be that way, stay in NC till you are.

[wannagruv]

heloladies, i've always looked forward to reading your posts on this site. first off, would you provide a link to the "nuclear bomb...knife" thread? i'd like to read it in its entirety.

 

if i did come off too harsh, then all i can say is, "what else is new?" i seemed to have effed up enough times in handling this previous relationship, so it's just another notch on my belt and another learning lesson i have to tip my cap to.

 

i'm curious, though, why you think this?

[heloladies21]

I don't remember the post. It doesn't matter anyways, it was misused by the original writer.

 

Read the original post on NC. It will describe how things should be done.

link removed

 

I think this way cause I can put myself in her shoes. If I just called to talk and you came back with all this serious "Don't call me unless you want me back", I would think that you're mad at me. I'd also feel really pressured by the statement.

 

Don't be mad at yourself. Relax, lay back, avoid pressure right now, and let her come to you. Talk to lots of other girls.

[wannagruv]

so she finally called back tonight, and i decided to answer the phone. i hadn't talked to her in about a month, so curiosity got the better of me. her big news to tell me was that she accepted a contract assignment back in her hometown and just moved back over the weekend.

 

according to her, she needed to tell me this because she hated the way things ended and cared for me enough that she felt i needed to know of her situation.

 

since i had her attention, i shared with her my thoughts as well about her stupid reasons for breaking up with me. i wasn't emotional about it but was straightforward.

 

she asked if she could send a book back that i lent her. i politely declined. she also commented that she felt better now that she was able to speak with me. i am SO glad that i was able to make her happy. my sarcasm aside, she said that i could call her anytime if i wanted to talk. i know it sounds laughable in print, but her voice was quite sincere when she said this.

 

i never questioned her sincerity, which is so frustrating because she was such an uninformed, insecure person but with a big heart. i guess now that she's no longer here physically, i hope it helps with my healing that much faster.