Do you have to MISS someone in order to have a good union?

[moonunit]

or is it just a selfish or nieve excuse?

 

As a recent dumpee into nc finally, it's given me a LOT of time to think about how he handled the breakup and what he did and things he said throughout the breakup as well as the relationship and slowly, my eyes are opening.

 

My question for you guys is this, maybe it's not really a question but I'd appreciate some opinions.

 

My ex told me on a few occasions that he needed to "miss" me at times. Because we lived in that horrible situation (in the house with crazy old roommate and only had two rooms to ourselves there was no real privacy between us) it was hard to have a lot of free time to ourselves b/c simply there was no where else to go. it was obvious neither of us wanted to hang in the living room or backyard b/c said roommate would "attack" us instantly being as lonely as she was and would not understand that sometimes silence is golden. On a few occasions he asked me if i would go over to my mother's apt (where i had to sleep on the couch!) so he could get some alone time. I asked why he culdn't go to his mom's b/c she had a 3 br home and a nice guest bedroom. He said it wasn't an option.

 

We're both around 30, both still "kids" I admit but somehow I think I'm a little more adult than him as I've lived alone for great periods of time and he's always had roommates or lived in a dorm. So I think how dare he ask me to leave our home and stay at my mom's place so he can have some alone time. The thing is...he didn't pay my bills nor the rent. We split everything down the middle. So in essense, he was asking me to leave the house that I was helping rent out. Thinking about it right now drives me to fury.

 

Anyways folks, question is I guess, or your opionion, he used to say something like you need to miss someone for a successful relationship. i need to miss you to appreciate you. and i always thought this was a crock . it screams to me immaturity from someone who doesn't know about how relationships work. true we lived with each other and we spent a little more time together than before, but we lived with each other! i had classes and a pt job (and at one point two jobs, one ft one pt but he complained he never saw me so i dropped one). we weren't on top of each other EVERY day but there were times where we were. i tried to give him space by going to the library, coffee house, gym, movies, friends homes for hours at a time. But you know since it was my home, I figured I should be able to hang out there a little to study and eat and relax a little.

 

this coming from a guy who also complained about my finances (remember, he never had to take care of me or give me any money). when he first met me i was making 50k, but worked 6 days 70 hours for 4 years. and drove 1.45 hours to work and back. so finally i got burnt out and stopped working for awhile then picked up a few jobs here and there but nothing perm. i still made twice as much money as him during last year w/o working and he had complaints about my finances. i honestly think he thought that i should be taking care of him or contributing more than i was. which perplexes me b/c other than the groceries and going out occasionally, we rarely spent. ack! makes me mad to think about.

 

but seriously folks, what do you think - does one need to MISS a partner in order to still want them / appreciate them? Or is this a crock?

[kskm]

Absolutely. There is an analogy for this;

 

 

Men need to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their need for intimacy. Fore example, in the beginning of a relationship he is strong and full of desire- his rubber band is stretched. He wanted to impress her, fulfill her, please her, and get close to her. As he succeeded she also wanted to get closer. As she opened her heart to him he got closer and closer. When they achieved intimacy he felt wonderful. But after a brief period a change took place.

 

Imagine what happens with a rubber band. The rubber band becomes limp. Its power and stretch are gone. There is no longer any momement. This is exactly what happens to a man's desire to get close after intimacy has been achieved.

 

A man pulls away to fulfill his own need for independence or autonomy. When he has finally stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will feel more motivated to give his loev and receive the love he needs.

 

Even though this closeness is fulfilling to a man, he will inevitable begin to go through an inner shift. He will begin to feel the urge to pull away. Having temporary fulfilled his hunger for intimacy, he now feels his hunger to be independent, to be on his own. Enough of this needing another person. He may feel he has become too dependant or may not know why he feels a need to pull away.

 

As the man pulls away the woman reacts with fear. She panics and runs after him. She thinks that she has done something wrong and has turned him off. She imagines he is expecting her to reestablish intimacy. She is afraid he will never come back. To make matters worse, she feels powerless to get him back because she doesn't know what she did to turn him off. She doesn't know that this is just part of his intimacy cycle. When she asks him what's the matter, he doesn't have a clear answer, and so he resistes talking about it. He just continues to distance himself even more.

 

Without understanding this cycle it is easy to see how men and women begine to doubt their love. Without seeing how she was preventing him from finding his passion, she could easily assume that he didn't love her. Without getting the chance to pull away, he would lose touch with his desire and passion to be close. He could easily assume that he no longer loved her.

 

After learning that he needs his distance or "space" she discovered that he did come back. She practiced not running after him when he would withdraw and trusted that everything was OK. Each time he did come back.

 

As her trust is this process grew, it became easier for her not to panic. When he pulled away she did not run after him or even think that something was wrong. She accepted this part of him. The more she just accepted him at those times the sonner he would return. As he finally got his alone time he began to understand his changing feelings and needs, and he became more confident in his love.

 

The secret is understanding that men are like rubber bands.

 

The rubber band analogy ecplains how a man may care very much about his partner but suddenly pull away or need alone time. When he pulls away it is not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he needs some time alonel time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns when he is avaliable to talk.

 

To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. Be feeling her needs, problems, wants and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feel autonomous. (All from; Men are from Mar women are from Venus)

 

 

 

There is more, but I think that this might put some insight on it. I believe it's true, we all need our alone time.

[darkblue]

To be fair. I don't think All men are like that.

 

I agree most are though.. lol

[moonunit]

i dunno, i think in cases where the other partner clung onto their partners yeah but in my case 2 jobs (at times) and school i was around...but not. i didn't dig the fact that he told me to leave a household i paid a third to live in as well.i gave him space...he wanted more. i guess this is why i never felt like it was 'my home'. i was just visiting. lol and i found out the hard way that i WAS just actually visiitng.

 

but back to the rubberband theory, a lot of it does sound like him but it also sounds like me. i'm so for spending time apart, to do your own thing, alone time defn. we're both only children so we both understood that need which was nice. it honestly seemed as if i gave him a little space and he wanted more and more and more. and seriously i think it was rude to tell me to leave the house and go sleep on my mom's couch. esp when i was the one having to get up and go to work. she lived about 40 miles away from the city and my job (where we lived 2 miles away from it). i felt it was really rude. i gave him much more alone time than i think the average live in gf would, and we lived in a room! so it was much harder but i tried. as for the rest of the rubberband theory...i never pulled on him nor paniced until the breakup. we had our own lives and our lives together , that was clearly understood. i don't think that this theory much pertains to us reading through it as he never pulled away lol until he left that is. it was just the suggestion of me leaving my own home that had me so irritated. it felt like "get out, this is my home you are a visitor, i need my space and you're intruding."

 

i guess im just irked that it was good to ask me to go to my mom's but bad for him to go to his mom's (who lived ten minutes away and had the huge extra space). he could have left the house and got away and got his distance or space but he required that i be the one who left b/c it was just more convenient for him this way. plus...i could stand about 4 hours with my mom (i am an a little older) and that's about it. i might as well have slept in the car or rented a hotel room for the night is how i felt. i think he is the normal male for needing space - which i provided - it was the EXTRA amount of space he required. bah

 

so i guess this was just a general question about missing or maybe it was a general question about is it right for the partner that does need space to ask the other partner to leave or expect them to leave the household for a few days so they can have the place to themselves. esp when that partner pays for half of the w/e.

 

but overall...i kind of think that's hogwash. i gave him space but he wanted more and instead of going to do his thing, he expected me to leave more than i all ready had been leaving.

 

irritates me as i write this and more and more i see all the little isms he had weren't very healthy for me not our relationship. ah well, not going to cry over spilt milk. doing much better now - save a little set back here and there. (ie. i've been thinking about things more clearly)