Should i stay?? and give us another go??

[Sky]

Hi there, I have been with my husband for 10 years, we got together when I was 21 and he was 30. We don't have any children and he has been married before. We have recently split up due to his drinking, we have split up a few times prior to this because of his drinking problem, it was at the stage where he was drinking almost a bottle a night and his behavior would become angry and abusive. I don't know where we went wrong. We don't seem to follow our goals together, we have been trying to move houses closer to town but we never get around to doing it. He had his house with his wife before me and I have always felt that I am in the shadow of another woman and have always wanted a place of our own. half of my things are either in boxes or in storage, while he has all his hobbies and favorite gadgets conveniently around the house. in the past he has always had a good job where he can support his hobbies but never wanted to say spend his money on a holiday with me. Its so hard for me to get him to do stuff that would improve our situation, its like he cant be bothered, and has a lazy attitude when it comes to the crunch. As I am wrighting this I feel like a fool for being with someone who obviously doesn't have the same out look in life as me. We have been separated this time for three months and since then he has given up drinking and promising things will change by us moving house. But now I don't know if I can go back and try all over again, my heart feels heavy, tired, it has a wall up, although I do miss him. I know that if I go back I will have a lot of unresolved feelings like a build up of anger, frustration and I am afraid that I will take it out on him. I don't want to be like that but I have all these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. Despite of our differences, there are things I do enjoy doing with him like hanging out on Saturday night and going to the movies, he has no problem in saying how he feels and is open with his emotions, but when do you know enough is enough? when you know someone hasn't put you as a priority in their life and always put their self and needs first? It would be hard to go back and be loving and supportive and caring towards him because of all the hurt, and lies, how do you know when its time to move on? That you know its not going to work even though you know what the problems are and if your both willing to try to improve the relationship. I am worried if I go back, things will fall back to the way they were, that we will get into a rut,, and he will start drinking again. I am trying so hard to listen to my heart but I have so many feelings going on at the moment that I don't have a clear sense of direction. I know I am the only one who will know what is the right thing to do but I feel useless and wonder if I were to go it on my own that I would find someone I am more compatible with? I found when I was younger I had a zest for life, would go out and try new things and always had hope, hope for improvement or hope that things will get better, now I feel I have been robbed of that, that I have lost hope.. anyway… sorry for rambling and thanks for listening…

[sonjam]

Are you pressed to go back, or are you ok with where you are staying at the moment? IF I had to be in your position, I would not believe all the things he tell me just by him telling me, but I would have to see the changes being made for me to want to go back.

 

How about he puts the house in the market, you shop with him for a new one, and when he/you buy the house you move back, but to the new house? That would be like turning a new leave, and starting over. A very good idea to re-start the marraige.....

[Sky]

Hi sonjam, no I am not pressed to go back to him, I am staying with a friend at the moment,

although he wants to know where my head is so we can make a decision in which way our life should go, either together or separated.

 

I thought about getting a new place together, a fresh start.

Being with someone for 10yrs, I thought we would be at a certain place in our lives by now instead of still trying to get our act together.

 

Leading up to the day I left, he was very abusive because of the drinking.

 

I had tickets to a show in town which I paid for, and they weren't cheap, and he decided last minute not to go.

I couldn't find anyone to go with me at short notice and I was stranded on my own in the city at a show all by myself, I was so angry.

I was angry cos he didnt even care if i was out on my own.

 

When I got home he was drunk, crashed out.

 

The next day he got drunk, I was studying for exams in the bedroom and he was being abusive towards me, picking up the bed and yelling while I was trying to study.

 

This happened for three days,, and he just kept yelling at me "why don't you just go, go on F**k off"

I felt so deflated, and numb, and I was shaking,, so the next day (Monday) while he was at work, (I had the day of) I decided to leave,

I couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't have the energy to fight with him anymore, and it was crushing me.

I didn't know every night when I would got home if he would be sober, drunk, awake or asleep,

I didn't know what I would be dealing with.

so that was it , I took his advise and left..

 

Now he is telling me that he is clean, not drinking, that he misses me, that he is sorry for the way he has treated me,

he feels terrible, he wants another chance to make a go of our relationship,

he wants to be home when I get home from work to greet me and be there for me, to cook for me .

 

I have to admit he sounds like he is in a different place, a better place, but I just have my guard up,

I suppose the only way I will know for sure If I were to get back with him, spend more time with him and see if there is change.

 

Don't know.

Don't know how I feel, if I can trust him, us,

Why do we always take the hard road?

[sonjam]

I hear what you say, but you have to PUT YOURSELF first now. If you don't it will be all of two weeks and you will be back where you started. Next time it will not be as easy to leave.

 

Take stock.

 

What is it you need to be happy? Is it him, is it a new beginning, is it the same house, a new house, promises, him cooking for you?

 

I know you feel numb and desolate right now, but if you just give in and go back, empty promises can quickly become just that - empty. He has to change something FUNDAMENTAL to prove himself. YES he has to prove it, not becouse you want to be hard headed, but because you are wasting your life away in unhappyness with him, and you deserve better, CAN GET better, and need to be SURE it will be different if you go back. TAKE A STAND and demand something for yourself for a change. And don't give in until it acutally happened. Only then will you know he's really honest about his intentions.

 

Remember, he knows you, and he knows exactly what to say to hit the soft spots, and to convince you of something. Actions speak louder than words.