Does my boy friend want a man or a women?

[aaron2005]

Ok, I am a gay male. I lived with a guy for a few years and I really love him. Yet there has always been an issue of his sexuality. At first he wanted to watch videos of women while we did anything, but that went away after a while because he said he did not want to hurt me, and it really did.

 

I thought things were going very well, as things improved in the bedroom and in general. Yet I don't know if his true feelings ever changed, or he just learned to be a better liar. Well a few months ago I found out that he went to a strip club and wasted 100.00 on female lap dances. While that was the end, I lost it, as he suspected I would. Now he calls me saying it is me that he wants, and he will never do that again. But he does not seam to understand "doing it" is not the issue, because I will always know, even if he never goes to a strip club again, he will still think about women.

 

Now maybe im different, I consider myself a masculine gay guy, although I used to consider my self bi. But for me, it really does not mater gay or bi, I mean I guess I could still date women, but the thing is, when I love someone, I do not think, of or fantasize about other people, especially of another sex.

 

It also makes it hard because of the fact that I have approximately 5 years experience as a psychotherapist and counselor (not specializing in couple therapy I might add), although not in the field anymore my education and experience won't let me simplify things. I am an extremely "deep" person. But who has the problem here, me or him? My "brain" can't seem to overrule my heart, even though I have tried. I think if he loved me, I should be fine, and let him watch a video or whatever while making love, yet when I have tried this, things are so much better for him, and I get very hurt, thinking things are better with a video then me! Personally I attach thought and action.

 

To further complicate things, I know he hates to be alone, so I am positive that if he could have a women, he would, but it is not likely that that will ever happen, so I am the second best, yet I do think he really loves me. In reality, we may all have settled for second best if we compare all the time. I do believe that he has a much more dominant "id" as compared to myself being extremely dominated by my Superego. As you can probable tell by now, I could go on forever but the long and short is, are his desires for women going to go away, probably not! But can I, or should I even want to have a relationship with this person. I mean am I just setting myself up for a continued disappointment as he better learns to repress his true feelings because I essentially make him.

 

This person is also ADHD on medications. The problem is that I am big on honesty and loyalty. I am very good at and have been educated in forensic interviewing, i.e. a trained human lie detector. Yet for one of the first times, I have seen evidence of what the educators in this field explain as making the sometimes innocent confess. Ie I am not referring to the strip club incident, because that is fact, but other little things he has admitted to that he really did not do. Not to be rude or arrogant, but I am also much smarter then my ex, and I really don't care about that at all, im just mentioning it because I thought you should no that I am a big abstract thought person where he is more a concrete thinker, thereforeeee I can over analyze and complicate things.

 

Anyway, sorry for babbling, but any advise would be appreciated.

 

[BellaDonna]

It sounds like he is definintely bisexual.I don't think his desires for women will ever go away. However, that doesn't mean that it's right for him to hurt your feelings and pursue those desires. Whether male or female, infidelity is infidelity. I sounds like he has not crossed that infidelity line yet- but the porn and strip club obviously bothered you.

I know he hates to be alone, so I am positive that if he could have a women, he would, but it is not likely that that will ever happen, so I am the second best

 

I think that if you feel you are second best, then the relationship may not be worth pursuing further. Given the fact that you're a "deep" person- you will constantly focus on this and I don't think you'll be able to find true happiness in this situation. If you are Freudian thinker, you know that his desires (ID) will always be there. His personality has already developed fully (according to Freud anyway) and you will not be able to change him. You may need to find someone who is more like yourself (Superego) in order to find happiness.

 

BellaDonna

[Blackmsmithdave]

Ok if he is Bi then that would explain the women thing, i spose its not just that you have to whatch out for other guys its that you have to watch out for girls as well. its diffrent to arosing a gay, or straight guy than it is to arosing a Bi guy coz pretty much anything goes, just with varying degrees.

 

You are not getting worked up about the video thing if a straight guy insisted upon whatching portn while having sex with his wife, hwo well would that go down, it should be you and him while you are having sex, porn is should noly be for foreplay.

 

lastly i wish you luck in sorting this out and i hope that you are both very happy, irregardless of what may happen.

 

good luck

[miracle29]

Though I personally don't condone homosexuality or bisexual beliefs I still decided to give my advice and my support to you regarding your painful discovery. It seems to me that this young man you are with likes both. And its not about him liking either sex, i think the main problem here is that he is a liar and is cheating on you emotionally. I agree that loyalty is a big deal, him not telling you that he went to a boobie bar lets me know that he doesnt like to be upfront about his ways. I know you love him..but i would seriously think twice about taking him seriously or even trusting him at all! Gay or Straight no one deserves to be treated like that!

[Cadence308]

Your ex sounds confused. It seems when he's with you, he is desiring women, which you say he can't have. You didn't explain further on this. Then when he's lost you, he wants you back and you are all he wants. It seems like he has some deep seated problems.

 

I also encourage you to question why you chose him since you look upon him with pity. You mention that he can't get a woman, that you are second best, but that you could have a woman if you wanted. You say he's not smart and you are much smarter than him. You mention him being ADHD and on meds. Lastly, you comment that you are much smarter than your ex.

 

You say you love this person, but it seems like you are settling into this relationship. You mention that your ex is afraid to be alone. Do you think you might be afraid of being alone, too?

 

I don't think you should go back to him. This sounds like an unhealthy relationship and no contact would be the healthiest thing you could do. Move on!