I don't want to see him again, Am I wrong?

[Mun]

I would really like some help here please.

 

I have been seeing this great guy who makes me laugh, and that I always have a good time with. We've been friends for about 4 years, so he knows all about me. Or practically all.

 

Awhile back I told him I wanted to take things slow-- because I wanted to feel him out a bit and not jump into anything physical before I was ready--He was totally Ok with that. He said he never wants me to feel bad or regret anything..blah blah.

 

Last night he says" I'm not ready for a relationship right now....but if all I wanted was sex I would have already tried something. " The thing with me is that I take this to mean " I don't want a relationship with you" and so I don't want to see him again. I know he wants to keep seeing me.

 

So I'm asking I right? or does this literally mean " im not ready"??

 

If we were having sex this would be so easy and I'd know the answer.

[RayKay]

Well, muneca, bit of a tough case!

 

I can see why you interpret it that way, as that is how we advise people to take it usually, isn't it!

 

Now, did he say he did not WANT a relationship, or that he was just feeling a bit of cold feet about it and so was not completely ready? Or...was he saying it because he knew YOUR sentiments about taking things slow and was reacting to that? In other words maybe it was also to protect himself and ease the pressure on the both of you? I mean, you also pretty much told him you were not ready yet when you said to go slow, just not in the same concrete terms, correct?

 

I think you need to explore what he meant by it a bit more...and the only way to do so may be to ask him directly, and let him know how YOU feel right now about the 'relationship'. And tell him how you interpreted that comment. It may be for a multitude of reasons, not just because he is not into YOU, as his other actions seem to show he DOES care. It may be his way of saying "let's take it slow" too...know what I mean?

 

The reason I have the advice above is because he has known you for four years, and you are "taking things slow" on your own accord, so he is not telling you this when you just started to 'know' one another, and not a year into a relationship either...and he may be taking your lead...so I think you need to explore it more before you assume that it means he is "not into you". Yes when a guy is into you, he will make you his, but since you told him to take things slow and not rush, he may be following that lead too, or trying to develop something more stable. It may also be confusing without any intimacy to know how this relationship is different from the friendship before.....

[shorty20]

well... this is a tough one. You're going to have use your best judgment. He may be completley sincere in saying he's not ready for a relationship... he may have issues of his own that he needs to deal with/sort out before he can become serious with someone else... but sometimes, yes I do think that the "I'm not ready for a relationship" is a cop out. I wouldn't cut him out all together, since all he's doing is being honest. It dosen't sound like he led you on or anything like that, so why not be friends? If you can't do that, it's understandable.... I might be able to give you better advice if I knew more of the story.... how did the topic of a relationship come up?? and were you guys serious??? Is there anything that has happened in his past that might scare him away from relationships?? or committment??? how long have you guys been "dating" and who initiated it to begin with?

[DN]

The statement could be interpreted various ways - for example, he could be concerned that, because you said you want to take things slow, he might be perceived as rushing things if he makes any sort of move to get closer to you. So by saying that he is trying to reassure you that he is prepared to wait. The reference to sex could mean that he is also trying to reassure you that, when you are ready to get closer to him, he would want a relationship based on more than sex.

 

But it may not mean that at all.

 

When in doubt about what somebody means when they say something it is almost always best to go to the source and ask for clarification. Before you do that - decide what you want from him, because that should determine how you respond to what he says next.

[Mun]

One thing that comes to mind is that he is going to school right now, but I don't think that's a good excuse.

 

He had mentioned that his ex gf made him feel "pressured" because she constantly wanted him over at her place or insisted that he call to check in with her even when he just felt like going home and resting. He said " sometimes I just wanted to get home and veg out and I couldn't" So I think he has a negative opinion about relationships because of this.

[keefy1972]

I think he has decided to take the role of the "good guy" and is giving you all of the space and wiggle room you want. You are the one that put it right out there about taking things slow and he is just respecting that. The statement about the sex was made as an effort, on his part, to convey to you that he has much more interest in you than that of just a sexual nature. He may have said or done something recently that he thinks you could interpret as him rushing things or putting pressure on you and maybe he's trying to reassure you that that's not the case at all.

You said you wanted to take things slow, and he could be trying to confirm to you that he shares your interest in that regard. Marking up something else as something in common. That sort of thing.

 

Of course he could just be trying to weasel his way out of saying he isn't interested in you anymore. I doubt it, but it's possible. I agree that you should just ask him to be more clear about his intentions because you are a bit confused.

[Mun]

He may have said or done something recently that he thinks you could interpret as him rushing things or putting pressure on you and maybe he's trying to reassure you that that's not the case at all.

 

Well he's let me know he fantasizes about sex with me So maybe that's it.

[nightshade19]

Muneca.. you wrote that he wrote:

 

 

Well he's let me know he fantasizes about sex with me So maybe that's it.

 

Hey.. that's very normal for a guy to do... even a girl about another guy.

He's just letting you know that he does think of you in a sexual way, but he's willing to wait.. I think it's sweet and a bit flattering myself.

I had a boyfriend, who after we made love the first time, called me on the phone the next evening and said he was thinking about me.. or rather as he put it "he couldn't stop thinking about me.. he was going off to play with himself (while he was thinking about me i presumed) and then go to bed."

Guys are funny creatures.

I was kind of tickled by his message.. Unfortunately I happened to listen to it on my cell phone while I was at work and all these straight laced customers were standing right next to me and probably heard everything he said!!

Needless to say.. i asked him not to leave that kind of message on my voice mail as i often had my cellphone with me at work... I kind of wish i didn't tell him that.. I think i hurt his feelings.. but i did like the message itself.. I was just embarrassed hearing it at work.

I would ask him though.. say if even if you guys were having sex.. if why he is not ready for a relationship.

For instance.. if you were sleeping with each other. would he still not be wanting a relationship? if that were the case.. yeah.. then i would say you are wasting your time.. unless you want a sex buddy.. which in this day and age seems kind of dangerous.

Sounds like the guy really likes you to me though.

[HajiMaji]

From the sidelines i dont know what hes getting at, but you want to take things slow. He respects that, but if he does like you and does want a relationship with you and you are standing off a little bit, thats gonna put some stress on him and might be why 'hes not ready for a relationship'.

 

I dunno though, youre gonna have to talk with him, but he does seem to like you.

[Mun]

said he was thinking about me.. or rather as he put it "he couldn't stop thinking about me.. he was going off to play with himself (while he was thinking about me i presumed) and then go to bed."

 

Hey he's told me something like this before and it caught me off guard. I mean, yea it was cute. He said " you don't know what you've done ( to me)"

 

Anyhow, I talked to him and he said not to overthink ( analyze ) things. He told me to relax, and we agreed that "relationships" get complicated. So far it's been fun, he is pretty honest and I trust him ---which is kind of scary for me. I think I'm going to focus on what he does rather than what he says--that should tell me what I need to know right?

 

HajiMaji, you're right, this has gotten stressful when we'd rather be having fun.

[Luciana]

Muneca, I agree that taking things slow is much better for a longlasting relationship. Especially when it means becoming intimate.

 

However, I do not like the sentence "I am not ready for a relationship". He knows you for 4 years, so there is not much else to find out about him.

He seems to like you but I am not sure he is besotted/enfatuated/passionate about you or he would jump to the chance of entering a relationship. He might want things to remain in the friendhsip level. Isn't that what we do to those guys we like and have fun with but are not attracted to? We keep them as our male friends.

 

I also have learned from my experience with men that guys that criticize their former GF's also have something to blame aout that, and that one day you might feel exactly like she did.

 

But I want to be positive for you and suggest that you have a real tete-a-tete with him about how both of you feel and decide whether you want to "date" formally or just keep on being buddies.

Good luck!

[Mun]

Thank Luciana,

He isn't going anywhere, not even after I ask to slow things down . I think I'm just going to let whatever is going to happen...happen. I have a problem with that because I'm a control freak...yes I admit it. So we will see just what happens here.