It's been a year now. Things have changed.

[DR1665]

Hi there. I stumbled upon this site last winter one night while I was looking to find a coward's way out. My wife left me (for my best friend at the time, I would later find out) just over a year ago and it stands as the worst pain I have ever known. In the last six months or so, I have really seen my attitude, and my life, turn around for the better. I have forgiven the both of them and managed to get back into the dating scene. I've made some new friends and really made a lot of progress in my life, but I still have this resounding doubt in my mind that I wonder if someone on this site might be able to shed some light upon.

 

It feels as if I can not love another woman the way I loved Sarah. From the moment she and I met, it was love at first sight. The purest and greatest love I have ever known. Now I find myself dating again, and despite meeting a woman who is every bit of what I'm looking for, and that I genuinely enjoy being with, I don't feel that I can tell her I love her, as love, for me, means something more now.

 

I wonder if I have raised the bar too high. Knowing how love felt to me then, and what it means to me now, am I wrong to be stingy with the word? If the feeling is not there, surely I can't say that it is. I don't see myself as being scared of getting hurt again, as this is the risk we take in the game of love. I firmly believe that, the greater the risk, the greater the reward, so I am willing to work to make things happen the way I want. However, I do not feel the same feelings I felt when I first met Sarah. It was unlike anything I have ever known. Just a pure, unmatched love that I honestly felt radiating outwards from my core, and now I feel as though I should be in love, but I'm just not.

 

If it felt like that before, shouldn't it feel like that again? Or should I stick with something that I know is good and has a lot of potential in the hopes that something similar will grow out of it? It's kind of hard to explain, but I'm not saying I compare the beginnings of this relationship to the beginnings of the previous one, but the feelings are not as intense or moving, and I don't want to allow my psyche to just settle out of fear of being alone. I've loved and I've lost. Tis better than to have never loved at all, and I would have no trouble being alone, but just what the hell is going on in here.

 

I know there are a lot of people on this website who know what this pain I went through feels like and I sincerely wish you all comfort and peace of mind. My only advice would be to let the ones you love be free. It is truly the best way to show them you love them. Live your life with a clear conscience that you have done the right thing, and karma will repay you handsomely.

 

Thanks for the read.

[Reilly2856]

I don't think you mean to, but you are definitely comparing all of your present realationships with the one you had with Sara. It is clear you care immensely for her, and if I may be so bold to say, you still love her. The thing is you keeep that love you both shared alive in your daily life. This in part, hinders your ability to give each girl you meet the chance to get to your heart. I think it's a good idea to take things slow and not be forced to say I love you when you don't feel it. However, I think you should defiantely find a way to deal with your residual feelings for Sara and overcome your past. You can never have what you had with her. In fact, you may have something BETTER with someone new. But that won't really happen till you open yourself again to someone's love, and perhaps even to the possibility of being hurt in love agaiin. Strange, but those two concepts go hand in hand. We love those who hurt us the most. First step for you is going to be is to allow yourself the time to heal, and get over your wife. Then go out and meet ppl, for as it stands, your not really giving any of those girls an honest chance at a relationship with you when you still feel so strongly for Sara.

[Blackmsmithdave]

wow, i bow to you sir, not something i normaly do to anyone (too much pride). i am truly amazed that you were able to forgive sarah and your once best friend. What they did to you was more truly cruel. I have experienced something similar but not on such a big scale.

 

About the lady in your life at the moment, well i would advice that you keep going as you are, try not to compare things, it willonly remind you of the love you have for sarah. These girls deserve more. treat them the way that you feel, if you cant say you love them yet, then dont, honesty is one of the greatest virtues. Try to let go anything that you have for sarah and dont compare, make a true fresh start. i wish you all the luck in the world.

[wierdo]

i know you forgave Sarah and your best friend and now you are comparing your gf's to Sarah.. why? no offense, but she cheated.. do you really want that again? sounds like you need to do some rationalising

[chai714]

We're all affected by the culmination of our life's experiences. When we experience one thing with one person, we expect to experience the same thing with the next person. All humans are unique, period. With that being said, it's clear that you can not really expect to have the same feelings because 1) you now have expectations or ideas of how you should feel and 2) each person is unique.

 

Unfortunately, in the dating world we find that most people we date are NOT compatible or as fantasy dreamers call it, "the one." At the same time though, it's not fair to compare the new to the old because the new takes time to prove herself. If you feel frustrated in the dating world, take a breather and work on even more self-improvement. Good luck.

[jasminebose]

Maybe the reason you can't allow yourself to feel as deeply about any new girl is because the last time you really let yourself love you were hurt so badly.

I think you have done really well to get so far in your life already (forgivness and moving on ). Maybe you are just expecting too much too soon from yourself. You need to give yourself time to heal and learn to really trust a woman again. When you do that I bet you will find someone to really love, who will treat you well and love you back too.

Good luck

JZ.

[disEnchantid]

Hi DR,

I completely understand where you are coming from, and while I certainly don't have all the answers I can say with some confidence that you are probably still dealing with emotions from the break up, and may not be ready to really be in a new one. That being said...I concur with a previous poster that most of the people we date are not "the one" and it is rare and special to connect with someone and feel that core-radiating love. For those of us who have experienced that, it's tough for those who come afterwards to measure up to that. I would urge you strongly not to settle for someone who you *think* you should love, but have patience and find someone who you don't have to rationalize your love for. It may come in the most unexpected place.

 

Too often we try to look for someone who fits a specific bill of what we think is right for us, and when we meet them and sparks don't fly we feel as though we are simply incapable of loving anyone else the way we loved our exes. Sure every relationship is unique, but to settle for a relationship that you think cognitively works would be to deny yourself the chance of meeting someone who satisfies you both cognitively and emotionally. You can and will love again, it's really just a matter of having the confidence to have patience, something I really need to work on too ;-)

 

best of luck to you!

dE

[DR1665]

First of all, let me just say thank you for the sincere thought that went into all the replies. As a veteran of many an internet community (mostly car-related), it is nice to have someplace I can talk about this without a third of the replies being "F*** her mom." (Yes. I've been told that countless times, as a matter of fact. It's a funny thought, but they mock what they do not understand, and humor makes for a wonderful crutch).

 

I can appreciate the notion that perhaps I have not yet completely healed and might be picking at the scab right now (don't you just love a good metaphor? O ). I also agree that no two people are completely alike, and that it is unrealistic to expect things to be the same as they were before. Without mixing the exact same chemicals in the same amounts under the same conditions, it is impossible to get the same flavor Kool-Aid (look at me with the comedy tonight! LOL).

 

As I see it, I owe it to myself to simply be myself and enjoy my life. I shouldn't have expectations of what love will be like, since it's not going to be the same (although I do hope it's the same underlying feeling, albeit with someone new). That said, I think the underlying issue might just be that I still, in fact, love Sarah. I know I can't be with her, and I honestly do not want to be with her in light of what she's done to me, but she is still a wonderful person and she's just as lost and confused as the rest of us are about life. She's just trying to find her place and make her own dreams come true. I can not fault her for that. She just went about things in a bad way... a very bad way.

 

So am I supposed to just stop loving someone completely in order to save my own skin? A great part of who I am today, the good and the bad, is largely due to her being in my life. Conversely, much of who she is as a person, is because of me. I watched her turn from a smarter-than-average teenager to a sharp, responsible woman and I am quite proud of her aside from her one, um, mistake.

 

I think I will definitely continue to date under the premise that I have been dating: Love is just friendship set on fire. It's something my soon to be ex-mother-in-law said to me one time. (The divorce should be final when I go to my default hearing on July 11th.) I don't think I've ever heard truer words spoken about love. With that thought in mind, I am not dating in the interest of finding my true love or even just someone else who hasn't had "any" in a while that's looking for a good time at a party. I'm looking to find friends. We could all use another good friend, and the law of large numbers leads me to believe that, the more friends I can make, the better my chances are of finding that one who sparks that fire again and sets me on fire.

 

Thanks again for all the replies. I do appreciate it.

[may55]

Let me just say I really enjoyed reading your post. Although i was not married, I spent over 5 years with the same man, and was planning our wedding when he left me over 2 years ago.

 

I hated him, fell back in love with him wanted him back, got over him, didn't get over him, and finally have accepted that he has moved on (he is living and getting married to the same woman he left me for - which I recently just found out).

 

Anyway, at age 30, I have started to date again (took some good girlfriends to force me too), even started to fall in love again with someone. But it never has been the same. And there has been no one since that i have felt as strongly for than my ex. Friend and family always tell me I will find someone, keep looking. But I think when you love someone deeply like that, then have it end so suddenly, it is diffucult to just move on and "be OK."

 

I have come to realize myself that I may never love like that again. I like that you are starting to say similar things. Maybe some of us do. But regardless we can still enjoy life and be happy.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you enjoy your life and live well! And if you do end up finding love like that again. Let us know. I'd love to hear what happens to you!

 

That be

[DR1665]

You ... seem worried that you won't find anyone as special and wonderful as your ex was. While your ex's may have been all that you can dream of I'm sure you can dream of something more, that is to be with someone that Won't dump you and Won't treat you badly. If you could find love plus not being dumped and not being treated badly, would it not be better than what you experienced with your ex's?

Good call. However, I am not looking to duplicate the relationship, just wondering why or if I will ever experience that Earth-moving love at the start like I did this one time before. I will never settle for anyone who would cheat or betray me like that (Should it go down like this again, I'm taking everything and beating his a** at the get-go. )

 

I truly believe love grows as you get to know each other in a relationship and with time it will grow further then the love you experienced with your ex's and thereforeee it could feel even better.

I feel this way too, but my original question was am I wrong for noticing that I do not have this instantaneous overwhelming feeling of excitement when I did before? I think the answer is no, so I will continue to date around in the sincere interest of making some new friends.

 

Try to think back at another time in life when you were dumped and think of the same worries you had then that you would not feel such a great love in your life ever again, then you met your now ex and you Did feel an even greater love with them. In your current situation in life you can feel safe that you will, in time, experience an even greater love than your ex, a love that could and will last forever.

Good point, however, having "loved" a couple times before, and definitely been saddened by breaking up, there is a connection to Sarah on a deeper level that I have never known with anyone. I was even engaged at one point before I met Sarah. I do know all about the ups and downs of love, but I have never known a love so deep and a bond so close, as I have with Sarah.

 

The way it seems to me now is, I know I can not be with her in that way again. I still love her, but it's more like a little sister. She knows she can not be with me. She still loves me, but more like an older brother. On the rare occasions we speak on the phone, we end the conversations with "I love you." She's told Uber (his SN elsewhere) that he has to accept the fact that she will always love me. So despite being apart under such ugly circumstances, we both still love each other very much. There is a definite difference between love and in love.

 

Still, this thread is good for thought and is helping me work through some stuff. Thanks again, and god luck with things, may55.