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40, female, husband's Sleep Disorder ruining marriage


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I hope there is someone that can pass on some words of wisdom to ease the ever increasing levels of frustration I feel in my marriage. I have been married for 10 years. My husband was diagnosed with depression for most of our marriage and has consistantly been unemotional and distant. Recently, he has been re-diagnosed with a sleeping disorder and not depression- He has been removed from his meds and has hoped for the "wet blanket" feeling to be lifted from his emotions. This did occur for a bit and he is slowly trying to rediscover his feelings. I have had the fortune to support all of this transition over the years with patience and understanding, however of recent I have reduced my tolerance and have become quite impatient to see the light at the end of this rainbow. My husband does not communicate with me- I have gone for days with less then 10 words between us- I feel like a news reporter when a comment is made because he does not elaborate on any topic spoken- so I have to "dig" for information just to have a conversation. Our intimacy is to say the least minimal. Our child is wonderful thank goodness but does suffer for the lack of his father's involvement in his life on a daily basis which drives me crazy. Because of his sleep disorder- he needs to take naps on the weekend- for a couple of hours in the afternoon- which often cuts into family activities. My husband's family is generally distant and can be rude on occasion- so if divorce is emminent, I would be able to remove myself from his family quite easily. We have been seeing a marriage therapist for 6 months now and it seems she consistantly turns to my husband to suggest some communication ideas- she recognizes the fact that I have had enough, his family is indeed rude to me and that my husband needs to step up with some action- words have lost their credibility. The therapy has helped a little but not enough - 6 months later -I don't feel a huge difference. I have asked my husband to see a "life coach" to try to give him some perspective on how his lack of communication and lack of emotional involvement is killing our marriage. This for me is the last straw. If the "life coach" can't help him- I do not want to suffer anymore. It is aweful to say but did I pick the wrong guy to marry? He is a gentle soul and can be quite generous and kind- I cannot however, live without better communication! Is there anyone that can relate to my situation? Does anyone have any suggestions? Am I foolish to continue this depleating marriage? When do you call it a day and realise it will never change??[/img]

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Your husband seems to act just like me. Everyone that I speak with seems to have to dig for information to have any sort of conversation. I don't want it to be that way, as im sure you husband doesnt either, but for some reason I choose to take that path of least resistance. What attracted you to him in the first place?


Your child is probably one of the key matters in this situation. I know not having my real father around in my life has changed it. And I really wished things would have turned out differently in that respect, but I don't regret it. I cant really offer any help but I do wish the best for you ronniegirl. You and your child deserve a loving husband and father.


One suggestion... exercise? Go for a run with him, and bring your child along. Changes are never dramatic and quick, but a healthier person is always happier. You are what you eat AND do.

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Why did I marry my husband to begin with?- Because I was in love with him ...for his kindness, his gentle manner, his loyalty and committment- these still remain today, however, I do not love the man that does not communicate with me, I do not love the man that shows a lack of emotional connection and I do not love the man that does not show interest in our son in his day to day life. I can say I was a stronger person when I first got married and now I am less than I was. Why?- I believe it has taken a lot out of a person to be "compassionate" for 10 years- it takes a lot out of a person to be both mother and father to a child and it takes a lot out of a person to be the cheerleader in a marriage all the time! What I am most is .....tired- Tired of keeping "it" all together with little respect and reciprication of spirit from my husband. I want my son to have his father around - that is for sure- but I do wonder if he would be a better parent if I were not around- if he had to be a better parent because I wasn't there to do it- Has anyone experienced this deflating feeling in their marriage. My compassion is waning because I am now less than my full spirit. What do you think?

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm sorry Ronnie but I think it's time to call it a day!


My first marriage started to go wrong after two and a half years but I stayed with him for 5. He didn't communicate and no sex for 2 years! I discovered it doesn't matter how hard you try it just doesn't matter. All it does is make you feel depressed and worthless. Women are more emotional than men. We need kisses and cuddles, etc.


It sounds like you have nothing else to 'give'! You've done your best and it's not good enough.


Secondly, I'm sure the atmosphere in the home is not doing your son any good. He'll be able to pick up the vibes even if you're not talking. Is he happy?


Finally, if you do leave your husband don't cut yourself off from another relationship. Marrying my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me (13 years). It's been difficult the last 5 years because I've been ill with Fibromyalgia Syndrome and depression. Last year I self harmed! He's supported me all the way.


I have a sleep problem. One of the symptoms of my illness is insomnia. This causes me to go for months with 1-2 hours sleep a night, if I'm lucky. Suddenly it changes to fatigue exhaustion and I pass out and can't wake up, e.g. like yesterday afternoon I couldn't keep my eyes open. Last night I went to bed with my husband and made love. When we'd finished I got up and I've been on the computer ever since. It's 03.42am. He appreciates my thoughtfulness. You don't seem to have this!


If I'd known he was going to come along I wouldn't have married the first one!


Hope this helps.


Take care. I hope you are happy sooner than later.

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From what you describe I do not think anything you do is going to be able to lift his fog. He does need professional help and it is good you are seeing a counsellor. But my guess is that he needs medical and probably clinical help.


Problem is, he is probably not going to find the motivation to seek this whilst he feels that his family is supporting him (and he will think that, he will not be registering the direness of the situation).


My advice is you need to do something drastic. That does not necessarily mean leave him permanently because you do say that you love him and let's face it you have a lot invested in this marriage.


Why not try a temporary seperation. Explain the reasons (you want him to actively seek help for his condition), let him know that you want things to work out but that he should not count on it. Maybe give yourself a 6 month timeframe.


I can assure you it will shock him and one of two things will happen, he'll descend further into the fog or he will wake up and do something about it.

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Lexicon what you're saying sounds good, but from experience it doesn't work like that for me!


Not sleeping when he needs to will only cause more trouble! Have you ever seen a 2 year old when they need to sleep? They get irritable and make their parents life hell! They also fall asleep when they're eating and their face falls into their food. Sometimes they fall down and sleep where they are. It can be the same for an adult.


Ronnie's not coping too well as it is. I don't think she'd like to go there!


Take care everyone.

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Thank you for all the support and kind suggestions- it has made me feel better.


My husband has been to several sleep clinics and has been medicated with an alert medication for the day to help him decrease the urge to sleep. The moodiness has improved in some aspects but has turned worse in other areas. I have been trying to be less emotional and not so sensitive lately to try to help my marriage survive. I find my husband is VERY defensive at everything. It is like his mood has shifted but his confidence is in the toilet. My son has unfortunatley picked up on all the ques but I really try to reassure him that he is loved no matter if mommy and daddy live together or not and he is the priority of our family. He is happy and well adjusted- doing well at school and has lots of friends- I keep a close eye on him- however he only knows his father to be moody and emtionally distant- he doesn't feel bad about it because that is all he knows- I have a different relationship with my son and am sure the foundation is strong to always be strong. I have asked my husband to see a life coach- he is emtionally immature in some areas of his personality and our marriage counsellor has not been readily available for us- A life coach, I am hoping will help my husband identify this overincreasing defensive attitude and help him readjust to recognize that his wife is not the enemy and start the team building before it is too late- I am starting to look for a new career in the fall and begin either life with him or begin financial independence to have a life without him- right now time will tell. Does that sound like a good plan?

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