Is it worthwhile persuing this...

[berkvis]

Hello all,

 

I've been friends with this lady at work for over 2 years now (she's 38 and I'm 27) and recently things have developed between us. Rumours spread at work which forced me to admit to her that I had feelings for her.

 

Since then, we have been out many times and recently ended up kissing at the end of one night. You see the problem is she still lives with her ex (for financial reasons, or so I'm led to believe) and altough she admits she has a 'crush' on me, she keeps saying she doesn't do relationships.

 

After a work party on Friday night, we ended up kissing again and she said not to mention this at work and not to fall for her as I would get hurt.

Now keeping it quiet at work is ok with me as the rumours have finally stopped, but when I distance myself at work she keeps emailing me asking whats wrong and why am I not talking to her. I can't win! I'm thinking that the reason she doesn't 'do' relationships is because she is still in one with her ex, could I be right?

 

I told her at the weekend that I was going to back off. She asked me not to as she needs to sort things out first, then says lets start all over again as she wants to be close to me. I'm really confused as to where I stand and what to do for the best and I can't seem to ask her directly. I've even thought about writing her a letter to explain the way I feel.

 

Can anyone offer me some advice on what I should do please, it's getting to the point where I can't face work.

 

Thanks

[nightshade19]

ummm.. where to start... first off.. you work together... second.. she told you herself she doesn't do relationships... so what is she doing kissing you?.. just leading you on.. unless all she wants is some friends with benefits thing... third.. she's living with her ex...

Now.. to top it off.. she is giving you all these mixed messages... I would advise you walk.. no run from this lady's advances at all costs.. I can only see you getting hurt possibly.... unless all you want is a physical fling. But still.. what's the deal with still living with the ex??? That's messed up... is he her ex husband or ex boyfriend?

Anyway.. it already seems too complicated and you're not even involved with her yet.. If she's going thru a divorce.. she's still probably got ALOT of emotional issues to work out before she's ready for a relationship and she knows that.. but she likes the attention and affection she's getting from you.

To me.. it sounds like poison.. but it's your life.. but you did ask my opinion.. I'd proceed with extreme caution if it were me...

[smallworld]

Berkvis, If you have to hide or deny your feelings to be with someone, it's wrong.

 

Normally I'd advise writing a letter, but since she's a co-worker, you'd probably be wiser to simply tell her how you feel in person (and not leave a paper trail). Tell her you can't do whatever it is she calls this confusing kissing-but-we're-not-a-relationship thing until she moves out of the Ex's. And then let her go knowing you've done everything in your power to make your relationship with her legitimiate and viable.

 

P.S. We teach others how to love/treat us. What are you teaching her now?

[berkvis]

Thanks for replying nightshade,

 

I don't just want a physical fling, I'm a rare bread I think! They weren't married as far as I know and 'split' before Christmas. She told me he keeps saying he wants to move out but then keeps trying to get back with her. She has told me she is not interested in that. I just don't understand what is holding her back.

 

I agree that if she doesn't do relationships then why is she kissing me. She gets jealous when i talk to the younger girls in the office and I get the feeling that as she can't have me, no-one else can!

[heloladies21]

If you don't want just the physical without getting your heart involved, look elsewhere cause this situation is way too unstable. She's not interested in a relationship so she could flake out at any minute. She sounds confused as hell too!

[berkvis]

Thanks for all the advice.

 

It just confirms what I didn't want to admit to myself. I think it's best to walk away although it ain't going to be easy. Looks like I am going to have to tell her asap.

[socalguy123]

you don't have to tell her anything. just treat her professionally. don't be a jerk, and don't sit here explaining anything to her--you owe her NOTHING.

 

from now on, it should be business as usual. if she wants to play around with you for attention, you've got to be quick and smart and nip it in the bud, make sure she knows she can't do that with you anymore.

 

 

don't feel bad buddy, this happens to a lot of folks (*cough*), where one shows interest, and the other just plays on that interest--simply because they've got esteem issues and need to get that attention on a daily basis.