guys and commitment

[refused_82]

I'm new on this so I hope my post goes ok.....

 

I guess im just considering somethinga nd owuld love to hear others views on it.........

 

Im not goin to sit here and say how wonderful my ex was and how we never fought etc because i know it really has nothing to do with it in terms of getting your guys advice because many ppl have good rships only to find out their bfs or gfs are seeing other people or whatever......

 

i will say this: we were together for 8 months. I am his first girlfriend, he went to a christian school and suffered v low self esteem etc as teenager and so hadnt had much interaction with girls.

 

were both 23 now. we were friends for quite awhile before hitting it off. he is the most honest person i know even painfully sometimes and even our break up was him answering any question i had and remaining friends with me after.

 

He has this thing tho where he has to achieve goals, i know im making that sound like a bad thing but it kinda is in the way he does it, he does it obsessively and gets v down n depressed when he feels he isnt accomplishing them. this is when we broke up, when he was unemployed and falling behid in his studies. I dont think this is the reason we broke up though, he told me it was because he isnt ready for a serious rship, that serious to him is awaiting marrige like plannin it, and he isnt ready for that. He had this 2 yr plan where hes goin to uni and working full time and goin to europe and then to army reserves for 3 months then joining the police force.

its like he feels he cant do all this while being with me?

he wrote me an amazing email after we broke up sayin how he cant give me a definate reason why he felt the need to break n he gets down and sometimes doesnt even know what hes feeling. that he was wrong to tell me we had no chance of ever gettin back together but he said it so i woulnt stay unhappy worrying about him, and that he didnt know whether we would get back together or not.

 

he said for me to never feel bad, and that he needs to work on himself and his issues b4 thinkin bout a rship let alone a serious one.

 

my question is this: Can guys love you, be happy with you, but feel the need to be independent first????

 

i know in my first love rship i was always thinking in back of my mind how that was it but we ended up breakin up anyways.

 

does it simply mean he never/doesnt loved me?

 

ive had guys who i know never loved me, and even this guy i have accepted our break up and have even remained friends, and i am dating again and im fine n v happy were still mates, its been 4 months and all is fine, thankfully as hes one closest ppl to me, as hes v caring honestetc and we have v healthy friendship

 

i am still wondering for knowledge sake and understanding tho...can guys just break up with u cos their not ready even thothey love u......does the need to get your life in order first etc take over or what?

 

Hes not even goin out much anymore he works n studies so much, he works every night till 6 am n studies sat n sun........its not like hes seein someone else not that i ever imagined that cos i just know its so not him, hes v sensitive and shy....

 

he has major issues with his mum, and v hard time exsprssin how he feels, when he used to try n tell me how he felt he used to cry only, like full on bawling...he could never say how he felt n he used to say he cried cos he was so frustrated he couldnt tell me.......so i never used to push it cos i seen how hard it was for him. i guess thats why im askin u guys stuff instead of him.....

 

any insight?

[Abtmarried]

I'm new too but here goes some advice I think.

To me it sounds as though there is something more to it. I've known some shy guys and in fact most of my bros were shy around women, but never sobbed when asked to express. Maybe he needs some therapy or something happened in his childhood or something that made him fear commitment? Not sure how well you know his past but I'm thinking there is something there that is causing this. If a guy is really in love with you it will last past your grey years.

[Abtmarried]

xx