i am losing my grip

[martyj]

so posted before about my situation.

 

I am seeking help for my addictons and have been told i shouldnt use narcotics again but i am not an alcoholic although i have chosen the best path to follow is abstinence.

 

So my ex filled my head with words such as she finds it really hard and she misses me and loves me and that i havent lost her.

 

I clung to that as i am having a really hard time getting over this and then realised it meant nothing and it has put me back so far that i feel worse then when i did a month ago when we first finish which was due to my addictive nature.

 

At first it was dont call or i will change my number then it is i love you i miss you it has screwed my head up so much i am having trouble coping as it is what with facing up to my addictions etc.

 

I havent asked for help but i did ask for her to not give up on me as i would beat it but even though she said all those words there is not one action to back it up in fact she has washed her hands of me again,

 

I need to find a way out of this as i know alot of the same people and indeed i am supposed to be djing at a club where all her friends are on Saturday and to be honest i dont wanna give that up but at the same time my mental health is at a real low right now.

 

Any help i feel like i have been totally played with and messed aound and screwed over.

[reflectionlessmirror]

You need to realize how much of an impact your addiction affects a relationship. I just ended a relationship because he would not stop drinking. Drinking all the time, and he acts like such a jerk when he drinks. Now he is calling me, trying to keep in touch, and frankly, i just dont have the resources to deal with hiim. I would rather not see him at all! This situation may be similar.

[martyj]

of course i know how much my addiction affected my relationship thats why i have been to a clinic and got myself a community addiction counsellor and have also informed my work who are sending me on a program. I turn into two different peole if i use and lose control of my being so i am determined to beat it.

 

I understand what you are saying totally i wanted to be in contact with her in fact i wanted a reconcilliation and she said all those words as she knows i am seriously dealing with it but didnt want to make any promises.

 

I just feel like i am losing my grip on reality and falling into a slump. i really do love that girl with all my heart but right now i am coming accross as needy insecure alone and scared pretty much cos i am due to finally accepting that i have a serious problem.

 

the last month has gone from her pulling away and then coming back with all those words which were probably meant but i am pretty weak in the head and really dont know if i am coming or going half the time.

[reflectionlessmirror]

Maybe you should contact her and tell her what you are feeling. I tcant hurt really. And yes, I applaud you for getting help. My ex never will. He doesnt believe he is an alcoholic, funny enough though, everyone else in his family agrees with me that he is! Call her and see. However do not call her if you are not ready to make her your #1 priority. Addicts sadly put there addiction first. If you are no longer using you will be able to put her 1st in your life.

[heloladies21]

You still sound very confused and that's ok. It just means you need more time to figure things out for yourself. Try a good dose of No Contact and let things settle down for a while.

[martyj]

thanks i already have told her and she said she is finding it really hard but it is for the best in the long run

 

She is about to go away travelling for a few months so she wont be around anyway i asked her if we could keep in touch which at first she said no then yes and now back to know as she wants to move on she adi this a few weeks ago and then changed her mind.

 

Being in this position of finally seeking help i have pushed it too far out of despair as i know that my addiction killed it and she says she cannot wait around for stuff to happen again.,

 

Dont get me wrong i feel lousy inside for it and asked for a chance when she gets back after Christmas as i know that inside my heart and head i am gonna break this pattern once and for all as i am so tired of living like this and hurting people i so care for.

 

I maybe think if i just go away and do it then one day our paths will surely cross as there are too many similar friends not too.....

 

it just seems a hard road to go down on my own although its only me that can change it. I really for this girl and she knows that so much but she has to protect herself.

 

underneath these addictions lies the problem which is a scary fault but i so want to break it that i have to for my own sanity and i promised her i would as well as myself.

 

I hope i can post in 6 months with a success story

[reflectionlessmirror]

You need to use this time as a time to work on yourself, become the person you want to be. Maybe it is just not meant to be that you be in arelationship during your recovery phase anyhow. heal your self, then heal you relationship. If it is meant to be then you WILL be posting your sucess story in 6 months! Best of luck.

[martyj]

thank you i definitely will beat this i have promised myself and will not give in to temptation as i know how the snowball effect works

 

I asked for the chance as her going away is a blessing in disguise to give me time to work on myself i didnt ask for a reconcilliation straight away but when she comes back but i feel that she is gone for good

 

i still have to beat this whether she is here or not but she refuses to bargain and says that i need to do it for myself and she is not a prize at the end of it.

[reflectionlessmirror]

yes. Do it for yourself. This failed relationship should be incentive enough for you to want to change. You should have any problem with the temptation to use again because you have a first hand "war wound" to remind you of how addictions ruin your life, relationships, work etc. In your case it ruined your relationship. You sound like you have learned. That is a priceless lesson!

[socalguy123]

good luck martyj. and congrats on already taking the two biggest steps towards recovery---> admitting you have a problem, and acting on that by seeking out further, professional recovery help.

 

work hard at it, and when you feel alone, think how far you've gotten. you've really got to fight this fight, on your own. fighting it for your ex, or anyone besides you, isn't bad, but don't forget to give credit where it's due--which is your effort, willpower, determination, strength, and sense of humor.

[perseverance_rules]

I just found out that my brother is an addict himself. I cannot believe he would go that route ever in his life, but I can understand how it happened with him.

 

My brother is 6'2" and very much over 400 lb. maybe more. He has gone from job to job and home to home, only to go right back to being broke every time the family and or friends bail him out financially. We all thought that maybe hes just in a funk for the last few years and needs to find a different path and career.

 

He has never had a girlfriend as far as I know, and loses friends as fast as he gains them because he trusts no one. Its a sad thing for me because a few years ago I lived with him while I was struggling and helped him get his self-esteem back. He started dressing nice, cutting his hair regularly, and basically I helped him feel good for one of the first times in his life. Once I moved on, he moved to his own place and did ok for awhile. During that time one of his friends became an addict and he tried to help him, but in the end cut him out of his life...which is why I never thought he would resort to any drug use....but he has now.

 

I talked with his best friend today, who is his only true friend hes had since he was around 10 years old. the only person who is still around him and helps him.

 

MY brother is 36 years old and most people were always there for him, but thought also that his path wasnt right and he would never amount to anything if he didnt give it more effort.

 

Im not too sure what to do as I too am in a dilemma of my own. Things like depression and not trusting anyone could lead to this in time, and thats what it has done to him. He has called out to his friend for help, but when he tries to be there, my brother denies it and argues with him.

 

The best thing out of this I think is that the person who is the addict has to truly want the help and not be in any denial about it.

 

My 5 friends who have known me since i was a kid and his long time friend are thinking about going to him this weekend and confronting him about his addiction and to show that we have always been there for him. Im not sure if this will help him, or make him further in a funk and get defensive on us...but we can only try...maybe in the end he will realize we love him and want him to make something of himself.

 

From your post it looks like you are ready to get help, but you have to be honest with yourself, and never give in to the thoughts that no one is there for you. They are, they may not be physically always there, but people DO love you.

 

ANy thoughts on this people?

[martyj]

thanks everyone

 

Social guy thanks man. Obviously i am in love with this girl but the more i fight it and well she will be travelling the world for the rest of the year the more stronger i will become because of it so when i do see her in the future i will be so strong and recovered it wont matter if she has someone else or i have someone else etc.

 

Perserverance Rules regarding your brother i dont think that going around and confronting him about it is wise as it may offend him especially if he is in denial about the fact that he is indeed an addict he may not see himself as one.

 

You are right he needs to accept that he is indeed an addict as no one else canmake that decision for him i indeed can go and get drunk now or use drugs but what stops me is i have accepted it in my own head and also can look at the relationship i killed cos of it. To me its well if i want my life to go around in a vicious circle of meeting someone falling in love and messing it up through drink then thats fine i can go ruin my future but i have decided i have a choice and until your brother does then i fear that nothing you do will change that.