6 days NC..

[Jerseygirl]

so i've blocked him online and its been 6 days i think since we have spoken. The last thing i said to him before saying goodnight was "i have one request, dont give me anymore mixed signals pleeeeease" [he gets confused as to what he wants, be it a relationship or just a hook up]. So obviously i know i need to walk away from this confused man, so ive been doing NC for myself b/c i need to get dettached, but i cant help but think it will make him miss me as well. Ive figured out how he works so i anticipate things....over these past few days of not talking ive been checking my phone for missed calls...hes usually not ballsy enough to call me [he has terrible, non-existent social skills, which is another story...] so what he does is IM me, thereforeeee when I got back home from a weekend away i needed to unblock his SN because i miss him... i want him to see im online and IM me now....

 

Im craving him so badly right now...and i know hes been thinking about me....i would NOT break NC but im hoping he does...is that bad? Also, i think about him a lot...is that deterring me from getting over him? Am i supposed to make myself not think about him?

[Mr. Cactus]

If you look at the posts here regarding NC, the general consensus is that it should only be used for healing purpose. That is, you should not be using it in an attempt to win someone back. People here have said that using it to win someone back is very rarely successful. My feeling is that using it in that manner would more likely result in further hurt down the track and undoing all the good work that NC is supposed to achieve. Assuming he "misses you" and caves in, I do get the feeling from the picture you paint that things will just end up being the same between you two. Is that what you really want? To put it another way, let's say you find another person down the track. When that happens it seems to me you would have no trouble forgetting this person and moving on.

 

I fully understand the IM situation. I really do, because I have been in almost an identical situation myself. Although I did not have a relationship as such, I had a very dear friend. But as the dynamics in that relationship shifted to become drastically unequal, I realised I needed "out". I had to fight the urge to have my IM addiction with this person satisfied against the more logical scenario that there was realistically no future between us. She became ambivalent, giving me mixed signals and then became a different person altogether - no longer showing me the affection I craved. It was something I decided I could do without. I had to weigh up the very positive aspects of the relationship against the things that were hurting me. That is what you should do as well, and I think you have to assume when doing that, that he won't change. I haven't contacted her at all in 7 weeks, although - like you - the urges to do so have been incredible. But when I look at the situation logically, those urges have more been because of a desperation to overcome my lonliness - something she was very good at doing of course.

 

The only advice I can give in that respect is to give yourself a night's sleep before you act on any urge. You might find that when you wake up the next morning your perspective will be clearer and you will be glad you did not break NC.

 

I think you have to realise that you managed to live your life before without this person and without corresponding and interacting with them all the time. If you did it before you can do it again. Getting over it is all about maintaining proper NC, giving yourself lots of time, immersing yourself in diversionary activities and putting yourself as number one.

 

Just in relation to your question about thinking about him. My advice would be not to fight it. If you think about him, that is fine. I still think of my former friend very often. But as each week goes by, the context of that thinking changes. The more time that goes by, the more I understand the logic of my decision, and the more clearly I understand the shortcomings in her ability to relate to me that resulted in me going NC. Yes, I miss her like crazy, but I only miss the "good" side of her. I don't miss the bad side at all and I don't want to be exposed to it again. I know if I break NC and try to get our friendship back to where it was, it won't likely happen.

[Jerseygirl]

mr cactus,

 

thanks for your reply and i agree with everything you said however, to clarify, i know i will not IM him I WILL NOT. However, from previous cirucmstances with him ive learned how he works and he does cave in. My problem is that altho i am using NC to dettach myself i also am pretty confident that it makes him miss me thereforeeee i expect to get IMs from him and check my phone frequently. Then when he doesn't i get sad...How should i overcome this cycle?

[darkblue]

I always look at NC as a way to become comfortable with Yourself [withouth your ex]

 

Turn the phone off and don't use your IM. Or block and Delete him.

 

If you want to move on .. this is a good way to go.

[Mr. Cactus]

...i also am pretty confident that it makes him miss me thereforeeee i expect to get IMs from him and check my phone frequently. Then when he doesn't i get sad...How should i overcome this cycle?

 

Hi Jerseygirl,

 

Well I think it still comes down to you using NC for the wrong reasons. As much as it might hurt for you to hear this, I think you are using it as a tool to manipulate his behaviour for your own benefit, so that you can get your frequent emotional "fixes". I'm sorry if you take offence to my way of thinking, but that really is the way I see it.

 

I can really see only two options for you. You either use NC the way it is meant to be used, and thereforeeee ask him not to contact you in any way for a pre-determined period...or, you stop NC and try to sort things out with him.

 

If my own experience is anything to go by, I don't think your desire just to have him contact you is not untypical at all if you have feelings for him. I just think the way you are going about it is the wrong way. Try to see things from his perspective rather than your own. If it were me, I would probably feel that you were playing little games with me and I would grow tired of it quite fast. I realise you are hurting, but don't you thnk you are being cruel dangling that carrot in front of him all the time, knowing that you are going to get the same Pavlovian response out of him time after time? Do you really want to be like that? I don't think it is fair to him, regardless of the shortcomings be might have as a person.

 

Personally if it were me I would be going complete NC for about two months with an arrangement for both of you to touch base after that two months is up. Maybe that time will give both of you are clearer perspective on things.

 

As to how you might specifically break the cycle, I don't think you can until you realise you are not doing either of you a favour by using the NC the way you are. You seem have become addicted not to him not so much as a true boyfriend, but as a means to quick emotional fixes. Reason with yourself that it is not right, that you (and he) deserve better and that if you can hold out over time without any contact your perspective will be much clearer. I hope in the meantime you can try to extend your social circles, perhaps even find interesting people to chat with online. It will help you gain perspective of things and to reduce what I call those cravings of yours.

 

Realise too that parting company with someone is extrmely painful no matter what the circumstances. Even people with messy breakups will still miss the good parts of the old relationship. It is only in very rare circumstances that someone trying to break away from a relationship feels nothing but 100% relief. So realise your emotions are normal - it's just the way you are acting things out is not healthy for you.

[Mun]

You need to keep reminding yourself that he doesn't give you what you want in the relationship. How long have you waited for that? Tell yourself you deserve more and he knows this--so if he wants you then he has to offer more. And do NC because he is not the boyfriend you wanted. If you don't, then you are just going to go back to the same routine as soon as you make contact with him again.

 

PS I'm guessing that even without the imz he knows how to reach you should he have something important to say.

[Jerseygirl]

hey, thanks for the replies.....

 

mr cactus...i feel like i need to give you more background. Ive opened up to him, ive told him what i want, without being needy. I told him i have too many feelings for him to just casually get together like we do. He then agreed that it was unfair of him to be giving me all these mixed messages resulting from his confusion of what he wants. He also thought it was HIS fault that i was getting hurt but i told him it was my fault i keep putting myself into these same situations. Anyways,i told him to please not give me anymore mixed signals....ever since then we havent spoken. So he knows why im unhappy and what i want...theres not much else to discuss with him as he is confused to what he wants....

 

Muneca, i do know i deserve more...its so hard though. Now, i dont have a problem with breaking NC bc he and i are not phone talkers to begin with....and online i will not IM him....but what do u suggest? to block him anyways? And also, eventually when he does contact me , bc i know him....and if he brings "us" up or tries to initiate something i can be like, wait you need to remember what i told you in the summer, right? i just want to know how i should act if he contacts me and if he thinks he can go back to me in the same cycle (which is likely bc in the past i kept going back, but this time i want him to know im serious)...

[Mun]

If he contacts you then you treat him casually, like a friend, but you don't give more of yourself (like you would to a boyfriend)

 

If he starts the "us" talk you make statements like " I am looking for a relationship, not sex buddies" Never say " i want a relationship with you" Instead keep the statements about yourself and what you want.

If he knows he doesn't have that to offer he will be smart and leave you alone. If he changes his mind he knows where to find you right?

 

The reason you don't tell him you want this from him is so that he feels he has the option to be with you or not--never feeling pressured into it ( nobody likes that and it just pushes ppl away) He has a choice and he knows exactly what you are looking for.

 

Now the BIG mistake would be for you to tell him all this and then go back to doing what you were doing. He would lose all respect for you, and you would have no credibility. You don't want that--you are worth so much more. Remember that

[Jerseygirl]

thanks muneca.... thats exactly what i was thinking to say if he brought it up... not looking for a sex buddy...

 

i think ive done pretty well so far...i've put the blame on MYSELF, not him, for me getting hurt, and i made it clear that it was ME who had the problem of just generally not being able to do such a casual thing with MYSELF having too many feelings...nothing about him, i told him he did nothing wrong (which actually is somewhat of a lie, but its not like he intends to hurt me at all)....