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I fell in love with a woman in month two of a 3-month relationship. She has 4 kids, and I quickly became part of her family. She had me meet her mother, brother, etc. She asked that I go with her and family to Easter services, asked if she could come with me to high holiday services in the Fall, asked me to spend a weekend with her in Ithaca, asked me to come to Ocean City when she would be renting a house with her kids.


When she broke up with me, she first said that the chemistry wasn't there. I was devastated. When I told her that I would be torturing myself trying to figure out what I did wrong, she then confessed that an old boyfriend, who was married, contacted her about a month before. (In a difficult period for her years before, they had a deep relationship.) She told him she was involved with me and that was that. Then, a few weeks later, he decided to get a divorce. That's when she broke up with me. She said she considered dating both of us but couldn't do that to me.


OK, I can't fight a ghost. But it's the "chemistry" comment that has been torturing me for 8 weeks. I have not contacted her, but I'm tempted to ask her if I did something wrong sexually, if she wasn't happy, why didn't she say something. We had great sex in the first 2 months, but I did notice that in the last month she had trouble climaxing. I was willing to do anything she wanted, but she just said that sometimes one isn't in the right frame of mind to experience an orgasm. I'm scared to absolute death of being told I was inadequate. Or maybe this guy re-entering her life created confusion, and I could accept that. All I know is that my depression over this loss is getting much worse, I'm not eating or sleeping, and I can't just suffer in silence. Do I maintain NC or seek answers?

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I doubt if it had much to do with you as such - but much more to do with the feelings that had never gone away for her ex. It was a crappy thing to say, because it sort of put the blame on you instead of her taking responsibility for ending the relationship with the truth.

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In my opinion(from past experiences), this woman is VERY confused. She does care for you deeply, if shes asking you to do all these things with her. Its just that, when the past boyfriend that she cared about also very deeply comes back into the picture, she most likely had alot of mixed feelings. She will soon find out, after it dosen't work between her and that one guy, that she made a huge mistake and will want you back. Until than, you should just try and forget about it and just have fun till than. Date around alittle, but try and not get too serious until you know that your feelings for her are gone. If you don't than you might end up hurting the person that you are dating, if she comes back into the picture, just as she did you.

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Baker, I agree with DN & self_cutter_101. I think her difficulty climaxing was more about HER and her conflicting feelings vs. anything you may or may not have done. If you're not eating or sleeping, then you probably should apply NC for your own sanity.


This article touches on the relationship between emotions and orgasm.

link removed

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The other posters are right on.

I just wanted to add that it sounds like this woman has a lot of issues regarding relationships. What happened to the father(s) of her four children? She is seeing you for three months, but then starts seeing an old boyfriend, who is married and got a divorce for her? I can already see how that relationship will end up. She will end up being confused about her feelings with him (or he will dump her), and will probably start contacting you again. This isn't your fault--She is flakey. She just doesn't sound stable at all when it comes to relationships, and HER feelings are of top priority to her. I feel sorry for her children. They bond with you and then she goes off with the other guy, creating confusion once again in her children's lives. It's truly pathetic.

I know you are upset and hurt. But honestly, this woman has a lot of problems and you need to be with a healthy and stable woman. Not someone who is ruled by her ever-changing emotions and feelings. If or when she does contact you again, please be of healthy mind to tell her NO and advise her to get some serious help, at least for her children's sake.

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I gotta' thank all of you. I don't know how I'll feel later or tomorrow, but your comments eased my mind today. Amazing what a broken heart and a bruised ego can do to one's soul. I welcome any other comments you have - so far they've resonated better than comments from the "experts".

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Hi BakerAvenue,


Heard of the saying "there are none so blind as to those who would not see"? Well, I think it applies to your female friend for the moment. Pardon me if I am a tad harsh with my words, but I like to say it as it is.


Firstly, I am quite sure that she is choosing her ex over you based on feelings cultivated in the past, and not so much on the present. Secondly, I am also certain that he is facing a rebound, and as with most rebounds, it fizzles out in no time.


You have two options now. One, wait for her to change her mind and start from ground zero again. To that, I think it is unwise. Obviously she is not too stable in her thoughts and direction. Two, break away from her totally and find yourself again. I am sure that you will meet a better person in future. Someone who's clear about where she is heading at least.


I hope this helps.

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